Summer of the Samurai

[Tungro]

Since no one signed up for the roleplay version I decided to make it a fanfic...

Book 1: Strangers
Prologue

A peaceful evening spring drizzle had found itsef over the abbey of Redwall. Scarl, the aged and previous abbot of Redwall, now the gatekeeper, was making his standard rounds of the abbey wall when he saw a figure on the path outside of Redwall. He called down to his constant otter companion Oshaw Riverpaw, he was a younger otter, but a good thinker and was learning swordsmanship lessons from Abbot Wedeln,
"Oshaw, get down to the gate and see what this stranger wants, will you!"
Pleased at the chance to do something Oshaw ran to the gate armed with a stout stave and a short sword under his cloak. Wertan called down,
"Be you friend or enemy?"
As the stranger looked up he revealed himself more. Werten could not help starring at the curious creature, he was bigger than the average mouse, had feet like a hare, tall circular ears a long tail. But his robes was even more curious it looked like a light and sturdy material with strange patterns. He called up to the wall top,
"I am Hashino the Scholar, and a friend to all. My clan has been destroyed by a band of ferrets. I am seeking a peaceful new home."
Oshaw opened the gate a said,
"Well come on in I will introduce to our abbot to assess you and if he is satisfied he will have you chores and room assigned if you are interested."
"Thank you very kind young otter, please take me to your abbot."
And thus started something no Redwaller had ever dreamed of...

[The Grey Coincidence]

Not bad if I may say so myself.
First note is purely grammar/punctuation tips. Use paragraphs whenever a new character saysor does something. This prologue is short (so it's not really heavy on the eyes... BUT if it were longer the wall of text wouldn't exactly put a smile on most faces).
Samurai in Redwall is something I've never encountered before, yet feel like it is an interesting cross of my interests (Kung Fu Panda and Redwall). I'm assuming the newcomer is a Pika, but I'm not sure. I look forwards to seeing how you do (and then ending up needing to catch up on your work as well as others...)
Regardless not a bad start (and sorry(?) about the roleplay. Just not something I do really...)

[Tungro]

Don't quite know what a Pika is but the plan was for him to be a Jerboa,

My plot idea is actually something me and my three brothers made up some years ago.
The idea is that the stranger that came is a jerboa from the far east (their culture is modeled after japan) who was sent by his clan to find a new settlement because there is a famine in their land. After staying at Redwall for several seasons he slowly gains influence (the abbot is growing old and senile and he takes care of him) and when a dibbun wandering the forrest gets eaten by an adder he tells the Redwallers that his clan has a way to deal with adders so he sends word to his clan to send a score of soldiers to take care of them. They bring gunpowder and kill the snakes in the quarry. The abbot dies and makes him abbot, he makes stricter rules and chores enforced by his score of soldiers. Oshaw incites unrest but before they can act the clan reaches Redwall and brings cannons and rifles (late 16th century style) and in a desperate attemed the Redwallers run away to Salamandastron to get help from the badger lord taking with them some plans for cannons that Scarl secretly sketched after the clans. The pager lord forges several cannons (also a bronze cannon named Sunflash) cannon and eventually there is a big battle.

If anyone wants to help me in creating this fanfic, feel free!

[Tungro]

Your allowed to post on top of yourself here right?
Might be a while before someone says something...

[The Grey Coincidence]

Well... *That* sounds interesting... Don't think I've really seen 'samurai' as villains very often (they're normally 'oh-so-noble' and stuff so I like what you're doing).
Well sure I guess I can help. Not sure with what yet but I don't mind lending assistance.
And also yes, I post on top of myself- which I assume to be alright in the Fanfiction boards- so long as you're not doing it for the sake of doing it.

[Tungro]

Thanks! I might be a little slow in getting started though, not that great at writing...

[The Grey Coincidence]

Practice makes perfect- noone starts out as a great author

[Tungro]

I will try to get some done today...

[Tungro]

Not totally happy with it but thought I might put it out anyway...

Chapter 1
The First Day

Revision in process.
To view the original, expose the spoiler.

Spoiler

To say the least every creature a Redwall was wary of the newcomer, all except the Abbott Wedeln who said to all that asked,
"I see no reason to doubt him. His intentions are clear. As he is a learned scholar I have appointed him as an assistant to our gatekeeper and recorder, Scarl. To work with him and study the ways of Redwall. I have no doubt he will make something of himself one day!"
As the Abbott was taking his afternoon walk through the orchard he looked back at the days events with satisfaction, Hashino had alreay been a great help and to have only been there one day! He had helped Sister Moondrop, the old but kind herbalists and infirmary keeper by introducing a new herbal solution that calmed upset stomachs, and much to the dibbuns delight it tasted good! And just a few minutes ago he had substituted for Brother Frelaf as the teacher for Abbyschool. Providing a special lesson telling of the history of his clansmen. The squirrel maiden Daisy Barkfar wondered to her constant hedgehog companion Brail Forbacx,
"I bet a apple to an acorn that I have seen his kind before... But I can't put my paw on it..."
Brail suggested,
"Let's ask Oshaw's pa ifin he has seen anything of the sort before. He used to be a scout for old Ruggan Axehound's bad of warriors."
Wergn Riverpaw was the Abbey carpenter. He repaired any furniture or any such items that needed mending. In his spare time he crafted barrels for the Abbey celerbeast, and on very special days he would make little boats for the dibbuns to play with in the pond. At that moment he was napping in a cut out barrel in the shallows of the pond.
"How do you suggest we wake him up?" asked Daisy
Without waiting to give an answer Brail scooped up a pawful of bank mud and threw it with all his might. Fortunately for him it fell short and only a few droplets of water fell on Wergn. However it was enough to wake him.
"What do ye young whippersnappers want with me now! Taint near tea time is it? Have vermin stormed the walls? Don't jest stand there, out with ya!"

[close]

[The Grey Coincidence]

It's pretty good- could use a spell-check though. The names are very reminiscent of Redwall and I like Hashino (as a name). I can't really think of any improvements beyond some words and their spelling. Perhaps you could show some abbeybeasts being doudtful and the abbot refuting them- and if you don't want to show the lesson and the infirmary bit, how about use them in dialogue- ie, 'I see no reason to doubt him. Furthermore he has already....' and so on. You don't need to edit the chapter if you don't want to, but for next time focus more on showing 'key scenes' rather than every scene in exposition format. Think about what's important and use a variety of techniques to present it.
Ahem, evidently I could think of something to say.

[Tungro]

Thanks for the tips! It is just a draft anyway and I think I might change it up a bit. Have to see what the day brings...

[The Grey Coincidence]

No worries. Giving advice I have no business giving is my specialty!

[Tungro]

STATUS UPDATE:
If anyone is wondering I am playing Shogun 2 as a excuse way to get back into the 'samurai mood'.

[Sebias of Redwall]

Just read the prologue and chapter I. Both are very good! Like Grey said, grammar is always a good thing to keep a sharp eye on, but I only saw one or two little mistakes so it's no big deal. (Though me correcting someone else's grammar is terribly ironic. Some of my first chapters in my book make me squirm.) 
Keep writing!