Overcoming Odds

[Quickpaw]

AN: This fanfic is my first, and is a third person POV story. Do enjoy and please review! Constructive criticism and suggestions welcome, flames not. -_-

Chapter 1: On the Prowl
Razer was a fiery, beautiful ottermaid, and she lived in the wonderful and peaceful village of Grasshollow. However, today felt different, darker, for some reason. It wasn't just Razer who felt it, either. Every beast seemed uneasy. When you saw the faces of these woodlanders, all you would see was paranoia.

Eventually, a public meeting was held in the center of Grasshollow, in which every beast attended.
"As we all know, an bad omen has struck us all!" The mayor mouse, Mayor Greely said.
"And something bad is obviously coming our way. Whether it be storm or drought, we stand strong together! No matter what evil invades our land, we will fend it off as a union! Now, we are gathering volunteer to build a wall, and others for a militia. To join, simply write your name on one of many sign up sheets we have posted around town. They will be collected tomorrow, and we will begin work the day after!" Mayor Greely finished, which was followed by tremendous applause.
"Now, return to you business." the mayor said before leaving.

The town was now at ease, and every beast was relaxed, feeling safe together. Today was a good day after all! Yet, Razer still had that terrible feeling. As she was about to leave the house, her mom stopped her. "Where r' you off ta', youngin'?" She asked.
"Ma, I'm my own women now, can't I leave without bein' questioned?" Razer snapped back.
"You're goin' to join up in the militia, aren't ya?" her mom said.
"Yes, I am. And you can't-" Razer started to say.
"It's ok, sweety. Ya can go, I won't stop ya. They could use someone like you." Her mom cut her off.
"Oh, thank you, mom! Thank you thank you thank you!" she said, hugging her mom. Then Razer ran off, her mom wayltching her happily as she did.

Meanwhile, outside the village...

"Chief, when da we strike?" came a voice from the darkness.
"Soon, Stubtail, soon..." Replied Warslash, leader of the Killclaws, a vermin horde of slavers only thought to be a fairytale that parents told their children so that they would have good behavior, or the Killclaws would take you away.

END OF CHAPTER ONE. IDK IF MOST CHPTERS WILL BE THIS LENGTH, AND I HOPE IT DOESN'T SEEM TO SHORT! PLEASE R&R!

[Quickpaw]

I am waiting for a review before next chapter, though I might just write it eventually anyway.

[cairn destop]

As you requested:




Let me preface my remarks by saying they are intended as constructive.  As the author, you are free to accept or reject. 

I am not Saint Stephen King.  What I tell you here is based on comments submitted about my own works.  Call it lessons from the school of hard knocks.  No doubt some of these very points are things I still do, which means I'm still learning.



1 ---- Way too short.  Consider the proper length of a chapter to be somewhere between 1,000 and 2,500 words.  Longer than 3,000 words can be trying on the eyes.

2 ---- This story is presented to us by a disinterested observer.  If the story teller isn't interested, why should the reader?  This is the difference between telling a story and showing it.  Showing the story will get your reader involved.

3 ---- Put line breaks between the paragraphs.  It will look a lot more professional and it is much easier to read.

4 ---- The best scene break is a few blank lines.  Avoid using the word "meanwhile" as a scene change.

5 ---- The characters have no personality.  There needs to be a fleshing out of the characters.  Conflict, such as that between mother and daughter is fine, but don't have it for the sake of action.  We need something more to identify with these characters.

[cairn destop]

I would be remiss if I didn't offer some example to demonstrate what I mean.  Therefore, I am presenting an alternative version for comparison. 








The rat crawled backwards, careful not to disturb the bushes lining the hilltop.  Once he passed the large brown rock, he stood.  A quick brush of his paw removed the leafy litter that stuck to his shirt.

He trotted down the hill and followed a small trail.  The path led him around the next hill and to a clump of bushes.  He circled them and waved to the hidden sentry.  When he reached the largest tent, he knocked on the pole.  A gruff voice called him inside. 

Two officers sat at the table.  The rat came to attention and threw a smart salute, which the larger rat returned.

"Chief," said the rat, "I thought I should report this to you right away."

"Well don't just stand there, make your report," said Chief Warslash.

"Everything remained like it's been the last three days until an hour ago.  The villagers held a big meeting in the central square.  I couldn't hear anything from my observation post."

"Want to share your thoughts, Captain?"  Chief Warslash picked up his canteen and took a long drink.

"There is no way they can know about us, Chief.  This camp is secure.  We'll fall on that tiny village like wolves on an unguarded flock of sheep." 

Chief Warslash stood.  "Return to your observation station.  Report back when relieved.  We'll attack soon, but I want to know if there are any rams among the sheep."

The rat rushed out of the tent.

[Quickpaw]

That was a great review! I will try much better in the next chapter.

[Quickpaw]

AN: I am pretty sleepy right now, but hopefully music can give me some inspiration. I will say that I had the middle and a little bit of the end planned out, but not so much the beginning. PM me or write what you think publicly for reviews.

Chapter 2: Preparations
Razer ran straight to the roster, grabbing the quill and signing her name in perfect cursive. She loved being better than other beasts, and looking from her writing to others', she grew a big smile on her face. Now to wait til tomorrow to start the working.

"Who, what are you?!" Warshlash screamed, terrified. He swung his sword at the beast approaching him to no avail. "Impossible!" he shouted, on the verge of going crazy. The creature disappeared, leaving Warslash to search all around, not finding anything. He turned to see an arrow connect with his forehead, then blackness.

Warslash jumped up in his cot in a cold sweat. It was only a dream! Yet, it seemed so real. Who was that archer? And why was he worrying about it?! It was just a dream, nothing else! A plump rat entered the tent.
"What?!" shouted, causing the rat to stumble back a little.

"I, uh, j-just wanted ta say…" the fat rat started.

"Well?! I don't have all day!!" Warslash snarled, raising his fist.

"W-we're ready with da oil, sir!" The rat said quickly.

"Ah, good, Bellytooth." Warslash said, calming down. "Prepare the men, now!"

"Of-of course, chief!" The rat responded, scurrying off.
'It would soon be time, and the villagers would call him master. The ones that lived, that is.' Warslash thought to himself. He took a hunk of cheese and ate it, giving of a disturbingly evil chuckle.


As Razer was leaving, she ran into one of her old friends, Mari.
"Hey, long time no see!" Mari said. Mari was a mouse that was slightly older than Razer.

"No kiddin'! How ya been?" Razer replied.

"Oh, ya know. I've been picking' berries for the bakery, as ussual." Mari sighed.

"You're still doin' dat? I thought ya were bent on leavin' yer ma's bakery!" Razer said, a bit shocked.

"Well, with the thing that's happenin', I came back to learn more. Who knows how much cookin' stuff I might need ta know!" She explained.

"Well, good luck ta ya."

"An' wot 'bout you? No wait! Let me guess, you were signin' up for da militia, weren't ya?" Mari said.

"How did ya know? Have you been spyin' on me?" Razer asked.

"Ha ha! No, Razer. Ya just haven't changed a bit. I know ya too well! You'll always be that one-track minded, bold otter!" Mari told her.

"Ugh! Ya sound like my mum!" Razer pouted, making Mari laugh even more.

"Well, anyway. I gotta go. Bye Razer!" Mari said before taking off.

"Bye." Razer replied. She then ran off towards her house to catch a few z's before she headed to the barracks tomorrow.


"Now men. Pay attention!" Warslash yelled to his vermin horde.
"Today, you rest, and get a good sleep, too. Because tomorrow, we conquer!" this was followed by monstrous applause.
"Tomorrow we fight, tomorrow we take, tomorrow…we kill!!" He shouted, getting an even louder reaction. "Tomorrow, my men, marks the fall…of Grasshollow!!!"

END OF CHAPTER 2. MY CHAPTERS WILL PROBABLY BE SHORT, BUT THAT MEANS THERE WILL JUST BE MORE OF THEM INSTEAD. THERE IS A REASON I DO THIS. IT IS BECAUSE I WRITE THIS ON MY ITOUCH, AND IT RANDOMLY LOGS ME OFF, MAKING ME LOSE ALL MY WORK! VERY ANNOYING. >:|

[cairn destop]

Much better.  The spacing does make it easier.  If your I pad has a habit of crashing, try using it for outlining your chapter.  Once you can get to a reliable machine, try fleshing it out there and don't forget to save often.  I too have had that frustration, you get the perfect dialogue or action, and then you forget to save.

If you intend keeping chapters very short, consider writing each chapter in a flash fiction style.  This is economical on wording, but also requires the author not to waste whatever words he uses.  You'll want to keep in one character's point of view throughout the chapter, otherwise, you'll be head hopping.  Check out the term "flash fiction" via an internet search.

I know it is a dirty word to most here, but I cannot stress the importance of an outline.  First thing you need to do is forget what your teachers taught you about outlining.  It is not a rigid structure; it should be a flexable guide.  I cannot tell you how many revisions I did to my story outlines before I even wrote that first chapter.  Used right, it can highlight problems before you paint yourself in a virtual corner.







Like I said earlier, flash fiction should remain in one character's viewpoint.  Think of it as driving a car down the highway.  The trip becomes frustrating every time you change lanes.  Do it too often and a pleasant trip becomes hard work.  In the space of 500 words, the story's POV character changed three times.  It starts with Razer, switches to Warslash, back to Razer, and finishes with Warslash.  It is a loss of focus.


she grew a big smile on her face ---- One of the biggest mistakes, and boy do I do it, is forget that a character cannot see themselves.  She might think she has a big smile, she can even know she is smiling, but only others can describe it as big.  What you need is to include Mari at this point.  She can comment on Razzer's expression.

Having Razzer portraied as somebody that must excell is good, but the line is tell us this.  Either her friend's comment about the script or a line of dialogue will change this to showing.  Consider:

Razer ran straight to the roster, grabbing the quill and signing her name in perfect cursive.

"Let's see somebody else do better than that."

"Are you showing off again," asked Miri.

At this point, you can combine this with the return shift to Razer's point of view.  That segment has a lot of good things offered.  We learn about Miri's family and her ambitions, as well as some things about the main character's personality.  Overall, this was a good section.

Mari was a mouse that was slightly older than Razer. ---- At this point, so what?  It isn't important to the story and is an infodump.  I do see where you might want to differentiate, so put it in where it is a better fit.  Instead of "Ugh! Ya sound like my mum!" You could reword it and get the detail in.  "Ugh! Just what an otter needs, a mother mouse."

One habit many writers get into, myself included, is the exclamation point.  When you overuse it, it losses its power, becoming another period.  Kind of like the boy crying wolf too often.  Limit it to something that needs emphasis, such as a life changing moment.  Even a shouted command can be described as that to avoid the exclamation point.

She then ran off towards her house to catch a few z's before she headed to the barracks tomorrow. ---- Our main character has a boring life if this is her entire day.  Having her maintain a semblence of normal activity adds dimention and might offer more opportunities at revealing more about your character.  Consider:  She then ran off towards her house.  She had a load of laundry to do before she could even consider going to the barracks tomorrow.  Wouldn't be proper appearing in a dirty dress on your first day.

A plump rat entered the tent. ---- Too abrupt.  The rat is entering the tent of his superior.  Is it logical to have him barge in there unannounced?  This offers you an opportunity for a bit of banter.  Consider:

"Chief, is eveything alright?"  The voice came from somewhere outside his tent.

"If that's you Bellytooth, get in here and make your report."

He turned to see an arrow connect with his forehead, then blackness. ---- Such things can happen in a dream, but the more realistic the events, the more terror you generate.  It is the phrase "connect with" that causes this problem.  Consider the phrase "flying towards" as a possible substitute.

Warslash jumped up in his cot in a cold sweat. ---- Nice, but unfinished.  Consider a little more descriptive passages to show his reaction to the dream, such as "He examined every corner of his tent, wondering where the unknown archer hid."

It was only a dream! ---- This is either not needed or an opportunity at internal dialogue.  Again, you may want to cut down the exclamation points.  It isn't needed here.

A nice touch with the stutter speach.  Be sure you remain consistent with this character if he is used later in the story.  If you do not continue his first word stutter, it comes across as an error of consistency.

The ones that lived, that is.' Warslash thought to himself. ---- If you intend this as internal dialogue, the normal way of showing this is by putting the thought in itallics.  It also saves words since only the POV character can have thoughts.  The ones that lived.  I do wonder if this is an error.  Slavers want to maximize the number captured, while this infers he doesn't care how many are killed in the attack.

The last segment is a good effort at the cliffhanger.  The more you can build up the anticipation, the better.  This chapter had two, which might have downplayed the last one.  Again, this is due to the lack of focus within this chapter.  If your chapter focused on Razer, her anticipation of tomorrow is effective.  If your chapter focused on the slavers, it is the anticipated attack. 

[Quickpaw]

AN: Ok, I like the flash fiction idea. It will help a lot, especially since this chapter is a good place to use it. I'm actually thinking about just doing the entire story as Razer. Also, I would like to make this clear, Warslash is more of a conquerer than a slaver. He sieges a place and then enslaves survivors. Hope this one is better, cause I think I might like writing fan fictions more then reading them.

Chapter 3: The beginning of the end.
It was mid-day, and Razer was just getting up. She looked at the window to see everyone hard at work, and she slapped her self on the forehead. Oh bad stuff. I'm late for training! she thought. She was liking the days where she had nothing to do, it gave her time to relax and think. Now that school was over, she could do that.

Unfortunately, that would all end today. At least it was to join the militia. It had always been her life dream to be a soldier, but the village was too peaceful. Lots of people were conserned about her rash and violent behavior, which had slowly died down over the years. She had actually only realized this recently, and was glad to possibly get a chance at being her old self.

Razer was out of bed quickly, and hurried her self through morning chores. This was all she had to do until today. Razer was out the door and sprinting to the barracks. Many people she passed said things like "Hello" or "How are you", but Razer only stopped at one, which was "Razer! You're late."

Razer stopped and tripped, face planting in the dirt. She looked up to see a buff, angry badger looking down back at her. Razer was creeped out by this badger's stare, but what was the worst was that he only had one eye! "I'm Garsh, your instructor. Now get inside before I don't let you." The badger said, arms crossed. Razer quickly got to her feet and inside, fear plastered on her face. The badger walked in behind her, slamming the door. Razer promised herself that she would do anything to get on his good side.

Sat down next to a cute otter. Maybe this class had it's perks. As Garsh went on talking about how many ways you can kill a vermin with a spear, Razer was staring at the boy. The boy looked over at her, and a blush was instantly on her on her face. The otter smiled at her, and wrote a note. He carefully handed it over to her, making sure that Garsh was to busy admiring a sword as he talked to the class.

Razer took the note, hoping it wasn't something meen. She opened the note and was relieved at the words. Al it said was "My name's Elrick, What's yours?" Razer wrote her name in the best writing possible, and handed it back. Elrick opened the note and smiled. "That's a nice name." he whispered. "Thanks." Razer giggled quietly.

Class was almost over, when screams were heard outside. Garsh shot out of his seat, sword in hand. "Come on soldiers. I know you haven't learned much, but if we face an enemy, know this, slash and dodge, two key factors of close quarters combat. Now, follow me." he ordered, charging out the door. The sight upon leaving the building was unbearable.

END OF CHAPTER 3. YOU CAN GUESS WHAT THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE ABOUT.

[cairn destop]

Ah.  Those notes do explain things about Warslash.  And here is something that I am always working on in every story.  Within my mind, I know character X is thinking or doing Y.  Problem, my writing does not clarify that to the reader. 

Best suggestion, find a willing reader and ask questions about something you know should be clear.  If they give you an answer other than the one expected, you goofed.  Like customers, the reader is always right.  I can point to passages that give me that impression, can you counter that?

Take it from one who enjoys writing, read.  If you're into these fan fictions, check out some of the other stories.  What you should be looking for is what did this author do that you think made his or her story special.  Did you like how they portrayed the character?  So what does that author do that you don't?  Reading other stories with this intention will improve your writing because your looking for what they do better than you.  If you can find "The Chrimson Badger" by Highwing, read it.  This is considered the best in Redwall fan fiction.




Oh bad stuff. I'm late for training! she thought ---- Since you have designated this as internal dialogue, the words "she thought" are not needed.  Eliminate it.

The badger said, arms crossed ---- As a stand alone sentence, this makes no sense whatsoever.  The first three words sounds like the dialogue tag for the previous sentence.  I can guess why you included the words "armed crossed," but it didn't work as it comes unsupported by the earlier passages.

SPAG alert ---- Dialogue is always a separate paragraph.  If the character gives more than one line, it is part of that paragraph.  When another character responds, that becomes a separate paragraph.  Thus "I'm Garsh ... let you." becomes a paragraph of its own.

Sat down next to a cute otter. ---- A fragmented sentence since it is missing the subject.  No doubt a typo.  Always check for those green and red lines in your word processor before uploading.  If you're not using a word processor and haven't performed both a grammar and spell check, shame on you.

Again, the story relies too much on telling rather than showing.  It becomes a report.  You also missed so many opportunities to enhance your character.  Yes, I know you're trying the flash style, but its destroying the personality of your main character.

What I'm seeing here is a reasonable first draft.  Once you have that, become a reporter and ask the story the big five questions.  (Who, what, when, where, why, and how)  Those will give you the areas to add flesh to your bare bones.

Let me show you the use with this chapter.

Paragraph 1 ---- Why does your character contradict herself?  (She likes to sleep late, but wanted to awaken early)  Why did she oversleep when she wanted to get up early? 

Paragraph 2 ---- How can you show her fighting spirit?  Do the other villagers appreciate her attitude?  (Again, a good time for some dialogue with another character to highlight what she was and what she wants to be.)

Paragraph 4 ---- This section offered you a lot of opportunities to describe the town as she runs through, as well as the training facility.  Overlooking them eliminated the setting for your action.  Her meeting with the badger instructor has a lot of potential, which could be brought out by expanding. 

Paragraph 5 ---- So much potential lost here.  What attracts her to him?  Why does she like him?  How do they know each other?  Such questions and answers could lead to a fuller description of the training facility.  Right now, it sounds like a classroom with a teacher lecturing.  Ask yourself, what is the best way to teach such things?

Paragraph 7 ---- A good effort at giving us the cliffhanger.  It is a bit more effective since you kept the chapter focused on one theme.