The Mysterious Stranger Discussion

[Rainshadow]

  This is where you can talk about my Fanfic, The Mysterious Stranger.  What do you all think of it?

[W0NWILL]

I won't say much, since you don't have much up, but so far it's good.

[Rainshadow]

  Thanks!  Yeah, I had to get off so I had to cut it short.  Plus the fact that I didn't want to have the prologue and chapter 1 in the same post.

[cairn destop]

The young creature ... from Redwall Abbey. ---- Up to this point, you did well showing us the POV character's situation.  Then you shifted to telling.  Suggest eliminating all except "She ran ... Redwall Abbey." where you again shift to showing the action.

Luckily the ... was warm." --- all telling, suggest eliminating this segment.

Suggest you take a care with the exclamation points.  Think of the story regarding the boy who cried wolf.  If you overuse this punctuation mark, it will lose its impact.  Most readers will change it into a fancy period when there are too many.  A good rule of thumb is to limit it to one or two per chapter at most.

So far, a good start.  We have an unknown danger and a beast most woodlanders would consider an enemy.

[Rainshadow]

  Thank you very much for your advice.  I'm new at this, so I need all the advice I can get!

[WarriorOfMossflower]

I like the plot so far--sort of twisty and mysterious. Keep it up!

[cregga rose eyes]

I really want to know if it was Gavia or one of his beasts chasing Shadow, or if there something more menacing about...

[Rainshadow]

  You'll know later on.  For now, I'll just let you sit and think awhile! 

[Redwaller]

It's AWESOME!!!

[Rainshadow]

  Thanks!

[Lord Gorath]

It's real awesome. Here's mine so far:
                                                    1

GARMOR,  THE  CORSAIR CAPTAIN OF BLOODGULL,  LOOKED THROUGH THE WINDOW.  He  had  just  attempted  a  land  raid  and  was  sailing  away,  down  south  through  the  Great  Southern  Sea.  Nobeast   wanted  to  see  the wrath  of  Garmor  Bloodskillet  when  he  had  failed a raid.  Three   humongous  waves splashed  against  the  side  of the deck,  busting  barrels  of  stolen  raspberry cordial  which  he  had  gained.  Bortummbalk,  the great  isle  of sea  rats  and  otter  corsairs,  came  into  clear  view.  Jamurt,   a   hefty  otter  corsair,  asked  the  battle-scarred  wolverine  captain  a question.  “Cap’n,  ar  the  barrels  o’  me  good ol’ cordial  there?”   Garmor   commanded  one  of  the  corsairs  to check on the cordial.  “Yes,   Jamurt,  yes.” Garmor hid  a  sly  smile  from  the  otter, and slipped out  a  whip  from  behind his back.  “Jamurt,  you’ll  get  never  get  your   cordial.”  He pulled his whip from behind his back. “Never!” A  few  lightning-quick cracks  of the  whip slew Jamurt.  By this time, BLOODGULL  had harbored.  “Drop anchor!”  Garmor shouted.  Rats  on the shore had already put up long planks for their fellow Sea  Raiders to get down.  Once   Garmor was down on the ground and inside  the great castle of Fort Morfanger.   Garmor  was kneeling down to the great corsair warlord, King Gormoff Burgrong Mairtspur.

Is it good?

Got that much done in 15 minutes...

[Rainshadow]

  That's pretty good!  Though, one suggestion would be to have a little more description of your characters, so we can tell them apart.  Oh, and one more thing:  You should make your own thread so you can continue writing about it!  And trust me, I'll definitely be reading more about it!

[Lord Gorath]

You know how big a smile that gives me? Like this  big.

[Redwaller]

Pretty good Lordy!(mind if I call you Lordy?)

[Rainshadow]

  Don't worry guys, I haven't forgotten this!  Truth is, I'm kinda taking a break from writing for a bit, since I have lots of stuff I'm already doing.  I might start this up again sometime in April, since I get more free time, but if not, sometime after the RP tournament.