The First Fighters First Chapter ( Tell me if it's good!)

[Buckler The Leg Buckler]

This is about the time before Lord Stonepaw, the allegiance between hares and badgers, and how vermin came to be a threat to Redwall and Salamandastron. Please give me your comments, as I am doing more chapters.


The First Fighters   
Chapter 1
   
   

   Onyx Starstripe the badger was walking alone. He needed to find some shelter that he could use for the night. He had heard from a bird that the vermin lord and his scouts were moving closer to here. Facing an enemy in the black night would be risky, so Onyx wouldn't chance it. He looked behind, and saw a black shadow. They had seen him. Onyx grabbed his sword, and hid behind the rock. He heard two vermin talking, "Let's find that badger and kill him. Zyrne Boldclaw will grin when he sees that one's head."
   Onyx was worried. Zyrne Boldclaw was a lethal killer, a black bear of huge size. Woodlanders had told him that Zyrne had come from the seas far away, and had grown his army to over 1000 recruits. All around his world, woodlanders had been fleeing to a place being built called Loamhedge, where it would be peaceful place of happiness. Sometimes Onyx thought of fleeing also, but always made up his mind that he needed to stay to defend his home. Onyx grabbed his trident and killed the two vermin in a single blow.
   As Onyx was looking for any food that they had, he heard the bushes rustling. He turned around to find his friend Trekka, a hare with black fur,a fur jacket, and a long  sneering." Why did you kill 'em? They would be better off interrogated from a professional than used as your own fighting hide. " She picked up the dirty fur and threw it to Onyx. " Do whatever you want with it. I've got enough problems back in the tribe village."
   Trekka walked away south, and soon could not be seen in the distance. Onyx looked around for any more vermin, and then went back to his small abode, a cave embedded into a colossal mountain. It had a furnace, a stone shelf, and a makeshift bed, using leaves as the mattress.
    Onyx laid on his bed, and thought of his strategic battle pan used to battle Zyrne. Hit that way, slither there, Onyx's head was thinking like a well-trained sergeant. Tomorrow he would take a small force of Trekka's tribe and hit some key spots. Tomorrow. Tomorrow.
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[winifred]

I like it!!!!!!!!!!!! It's cool how it's way bcak in time. The different perspective of having Loamhedge as a refuge other than Redwall is a frsh change and it's really intersting! I can't wait to read the rest!!!!!!!!!

[Buckler The Leg Buckler]

I'm makin' it as I go, so yah.
Thanks for the comment!
I'll try to get Ch. 2 out soon.

EDIT: Can someone else comment? I'd like some more feedback...

[Tam and Martin]

I love that!

[Buckler The Leg Buckler]

Thanks Tam and Martin! I've been stuck on what Zyrne is doing, so I'm trying to think of ideas of what he should do.

[Tam and Martin]

Well still it's Great. I may post a story on here not sure....

[KitrallStreamrippler]

Well done!
Here's an idea for Zyrne's doings: What if he attacks Trekka's village? You definitely don't have to use this, but I hope it helps you to come up with more ideas.

[Buckler The Leg Buckler]

Thanks Kitrall! Maybe I will do that...