~A Rat with a Heart~

[Gabe The Warrior]

This is my first fan fiction ever, so please no judging or badgering (heheh.. badgering.. get it?) , but constructive criticism is accepted. Forgive me if I'm a terrible writer...

Feel free to read the Synopsis unless you don't want to create any ideas for the story for yourself, just go ahead and read right through. Hopefully my story doesn't turn out to be a cliche. (Note: I could edit and update the chapters at anytime so be on the lookout.)

UPDATES (AS OF 5/26/13):
-Finished Chapter 2
-Changed the title of Chapter 2 w/ minor edits
-Minor edits in Chapter 1

Quick Synopsis:

Synopsis

 A young rat, Squeak, unwillingly prepares for his first raid and debut as a searat pirate. However, unexpected turn of events lead him to the doors of the well known welcoming Redwall. There he experiences peace in Abbey life, but how long will that last?

[close]

~A Rat with a Heart~

Chapter 1: Squeak

It was a rare peaceful morning aboard The Big Czar. Hot rays of sun from the bright blinding skies shot down on deck as the young sea rat laid curled over, clutching his small stomach and recuperating from last nights' insane carousing.
   Squeak wasn't much used to drinking ale and regretted taking his first chugs at it after being pressured in doing so by his shipmates. Squeak awoke steadily with paws groping his pounding head, struggling to get up and stood as he moaned in agony and pain while rubbing his poor stomach. The young rat glanced around, and spotted many other rats lying on the ground snoring louder than the waves in the sea. They all were still knocked out from over-drinking. Squeak hid a small chuckle as he found it funny that some were drooling and muttering strange gibberish in their sleep. Amid past all the lying drunkards onboard, Squeak spotted a lone rat in armor standing over near the front edge of the ship staring outwards into the sea.
  "Good morning father!" Squeak smiled happily as he came stepping closer to the rat in armor that never even once turned to glimpse back, only silence greeted him.
   Then it occurred to the young rat that there was an immediate change in mood from last night's frolic, and the cheerfulness from it was all gone. Squeak had momentarily forgotten his father's intimidating demeanor and quickly ceased his smiling and prepared to expect the unexpected. Squeak silently cursed his slipped tongue under his breath.
 "Why are you greeting me? Did I allow fer ya ta speak ta me?!" A cold voice erupted from the figure turning to Squeak.
  Squeak stood still in fear and utter silence, regretting his stupid decision to speak with the rigid rat in armor, especially using the word father.
 "Good morning father?" said Scratcher sarcastically. "You call me Captain! Understand?!" I don't have time for one of your meaningless greetings! If you have time to say such rubbish, why don't you use that time to start waking up the others!! Make yourself useful for once you pathetic swab!"
  "S-Sorr-!" Squeak stammered.
  "Aaarrgggghhh!! Quit apologizin' you wretch!" said Scratcher cutting in. "That's all you ever do you good for nothing!" Scratcher raised an arm as if to strike, but instantly circled his arms around the terrified rodent's neck embracingly. His voice eerily became calm and tender.
  "Listen lad, put your arms down."
Squeak who had braced himself moments ago nervously did as he was told.
 "If it weren't for you bein' me son, I'd have thrown you overboard seasons ago! I don't know why I still keep you frittering around on this good ol' ship. I don't even know who you take after! But yer too kind, yer too nice all the time!  You're not fit for m' crew! Why don't you take example from one of the other crew beasts? Learn something mean an' nasty from them, ey? "
  Squeak looked up at his father as to say something but his father halted him with a gesture of his paws pointing out towards the sea.
 "See that land mass 'ver there? That's where you'll make your first debut as a pirate! I'm sure you'll learn the joys of plunderin' treasures from them villages. There's nothing like it, the blood lust thrill of raiding a town." Scratcher said with satisfaction and eyes aglow.
  The saddened look on Squeak's face didn't match the ecstatic face of his father's. Talking about his debut as a searat pirate made Squeak's stomach churn. He had seen it before from aboard The Big Czar, the burning villages, the slaughters, the screams, the blood, the violence. He did not want to see more, nor did he want to become a pirate.
 His Father laughed evilly in a disturbing manner, overjoyed about the idea of it while pounding Squeak's back with a paw heartily.
 Squeak's face was painted with grief.
  "But, what if- What if I'm not fit to be a pirate? I don't like violence . . ."
Scratcher eyed his son as if what he had just said were blasphemy to the god of all searat pirates, as he took it an honor to be a pirate. He instantly went on shouting madly with disgrace.   "Not fit? You are my son! I don't care if you like it or not, you will do as I say! You'll be raised up to be a great pirate in my name so that that others may hear of it's greatness across the sea, do you hear? You'll learn to like it! Now get on with it! Go wake those happy drunkard fools! And get ready yourself for your first pillage tomorrow!  I don't want to see your weak little heart jumpin' out before we get there! Now go before I change my mind an' make you jump overboard the ship m'self!"
  There was a literal squeak from Squeak as he dashed off to do his father's bidding.
  "Y-Yes father er- Captain!"

Chapter 2:  The Vittles

It was around midday aboard The Big Czar as the sun's sickening rays dazzled down, shining profusely against the bark of the ship, emanating a hot damp haze of heat. There was a foul stench of sweat lingering in the air in the confines of the bulky vessel beneath the cabins. Voices choked for air as chains rattled, stirring the oars of the ship mechanically.
  "Hey you! Squeak! It's your turn to look after 'em!" a voice bursted across the ship.
  Hearing his name, Squeak sprang up and made his way tip-toeing through the pack of searats, careful not to bump or agitate them with his presence, while they lounged around sprawled out on deck  attempting to lax from the ball of fire.
  "Here, it's your turn!" Rargo repeated as Squeak made his way towards the oversized rat whose cheeks we're slightly hinted with crumbs. He shoved a heavy ragged bag with small holes into the little arms of Squeak, which he could barely manage to hold.
  The young rat looked down at the sack of vittles and back up at Rargo. "But I already did it last time! That's not fair!" Squeak cried aloud. "I did it yesterday!"
  "Then you get to do it again, runt! I'm not doing it, it's too hot for me down 'ere! You do it! I can't take much more of this blasted heat!" Rargo demanded as pores of sweat began to drip down his whiskers.
  "B-But, I already-"
"Ey? What's that? Are you defying me!? Someone with a higher p'sition than you?!?" Rargo spoke bitterly with an accusing tone.
  "N-no I didn't mean to!" said Squeak taking a step back.
"You know, they call that Insubordination . . .?  You know what that means, ey Squeak?"
Squeak didn't know what the word meant, but he had heard of the word being used several times when his father raged against his crew.  Squeak quickly shook his head apprehensively knowing it was a word that ended one's life immediately after it was denounced on anybeast.
"Y- yes er- I mean no! I mean..." Squeak blathered.
 There was an awful silence as an angry air was forming around the impatient overheated rat as he decided what to say next to Squeak.
 ". . . You know! I ought' to report ya to the cap'n and sees how your father likes it when he finds about you not obeying yer superiors' orders! Watching the cap'n turn all sappy and soft around you just cos yer his son makes me sick. I'd love to see what he'd do to you and finally get what you deserve when he hears about this!"
  Squeak shot out a hand in impulse to stop Rargo while almost dropping the sack of vittles and begged mercifully.
  "No! Don't do that! Please don't tell my father that!" His pleas could be heard aloud the ship, startling some of the shipmates on deck, directly looking at him with slight annoyance.
   Squeak knew that his father's passion for being a pirate was greater than any other searat he had encountered, and that he held a lot of honor in sailing the seas. But disobeying a superior's orders was considered dishonorable on The Big Czar, something Scratcher held in high regard. Squeak had already made the mistake of disagreeing with his father this morning, and he did not want his temper to rise with the chance that he might actually murder him.
   Rargo  grew a wide smug expression on his face, forming grotesque creases around the flabs of his fat cheeks.  Rargo was beginning to enjoy tormenting the young rat, feeling the power of judgment of Squeak's life in the palm of his paws. "What was that? You want me to go tell him right away?" Rargo mocked.
  "Please no! Anything but that!" Squeak said on the verge of tears.
Rargo was about to continue agonizing the poor little rodent when he spotted a loaf of bread poking out of one of the holes from the bag that was given to Squeak earlier.
  "Tell you what Squeak, if you let me sneak another dozen of what ye have there in that sack, I'll let ya off th' hook".
Squeak was left standing there anxiously puzzled with his sudden demands and strange change of attitude. Momentarily confused, Squeak immediately understood when he saw Rargo eyeing the bag eagerly with greedy paws.
  "Well hurry on with it and give me the sack of vittles! If ye do, I might forget about yer blunders! Hurry I can hear m' stomach grumbling a'gin!"
Without further ado, Squeak opened the bag as Rargo jammed a pawful of bread out of the ragged sack into his traps, chewing fiercely like a mad rabbit.
  Squeak stood watching in amazed disgust as small chucks of bread bounced off of the lardy choppers into Squeaks face that were shielded by paws. Squeak saw this many times around other shipmates, but Rargo was horrendous. Squeak however was somewhat relieved that Rargo had turned his attention towards the food.
  Rargo paused. "Well?! What are ye staring at mate? Get on with yer work! Stop staring at me with those googly eyes before I stab 'em with me butter-knife!"
 With that said, Rargo gave a swift kick at Squeak's tail towards the door, giving Squeak little time to react or make a sound, and was thrown down the steps where the prisoners were held captive.  
 "And if ye tell the cap'n about our little secret, then I'll end your life a little early!" Rargo yelled down the steps before slamming the door into the heat infested room.

(To be Continued in Chapter 3...)


Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm writing good or not. Is it still interesting? The dialogue? Does it feel out of place? Is it soothing to read? These were my concerns when I was writing. Please tell me your thoughts about it!

[KitrallStreamrippler]

I think it's good! It has a nice feel. And I don't know why you're worried about the dialogue- it's perfectly fine. Welcome to the forum, by the way.

[Gabe The Warrior]

Any more comments? I feel like my fiction hasn't been noticed very much yet.. hahaha

[WoodlandWarrior]

The dialogue is pretty solid.  You have good interaction between Squeak and Scratcher that establishes their relationship while also establishing their personal characteristics.  So well done so far.

Now the thing about cliches, all stories have them.  They can be unavoidable.  But that is not necessarily a bad thing.  In high school creative writing they trained us to avoid cliches at all costs.  While this is a valuable lesson in early writing classes you'll learn as you develop, this changes.

When I took college writing courses, the use of cliches was accepted and even encouraged.  However, note that it is to a degree.  People like certain cliches within certain genres, they expect it to a point.  It makes the story familiar (not in a bad way) and relatable.  Just watch the over-use of them.

Hope that helps and good job!

[Gabe The Warrior]

Thanks for your input, WoodlandWarrior.

I'm glad that I was able to convey the characters well. And I'm hoping to improve more on the nest chapter, it required a lot of thinking and minor changes.

About the cliches though, it's true that cliches are good, but I believe that they are good only if the story is executed well. If the execution of the story is good then the cliches won't matter. Am I right?

Anyhow, I'll be extremely careful about my cliches. Hopefully people won't see my ideas as cliche, but rather more original.

[phoenixfoden]

thats great i look foward to more
you seem to like the rats in redwall dont you 

[WoodlandWarrior]

Thanks for your input, WoodlandWarrior.

I'm glad that I was able to convey the characters well. And I'm hoping to improve more on the nest chapter, it required a lot of thinking and minor changes.

About the cliches though, it's true that cliches are good, but I believe that they are good only if the story is executed well. If the execution of the story is good then the cliches won't matter. Am I right?

Anyhow, I'll be extremely careful about my cliches. Hopefully people won't see my ideas as cliche, but rather more original.

Spot on!  I am anxiously awaiting to read more.

[Gabe The Warrior]

@Pheonixfoden,

It's not that I tend to like the rats more, actually, I love all the characters equally no matter how Good or bad, kind or evil they are. It's just that this story's protagonist just happens to be a rat. I felt bad about the other species in the book that didn't get a chance to be a protagonist, because they're either were always looked on as baddies or not fit to be the main character. I'd thought I would do something different. I do believe that some rats can are good, and I want to show that. For example if you ever read Mariel of Redwall, there was a part where a villain named Graypatch got injured, and one of his subordinates stayed behind to help him. I thought that part was pretty touching.

If I were to have a favorite character, it would definitely be Cluny the Scourge. He was my first interest and one of the reasons why I liked the first book. His demeanor as a warlord leader, and the way he spoke caught my attention. He was so maliciously evil, his threats that he made were craftily witty.  My favorite parts where when Sela the healerfox and chickenhound were begging for their lives, and Cluny felt in control.. heheheh.. Also the part when Cluny went insane inside the abbey, very lovable~! <3

I think I have an evil side to me sometimes.. xD

[phoenixfoden]

i too thought the rat from mariel of redwall was cool his name is blaggut.im looking forward to reading more 

[Gabe The Warrior]

Thanks, I certainly will. I'm currently in the process of writing the next chapter.

[rachel25]

i too thought the rat from mariel of redwall was cool his name is blaggut.im looking forward to reading more  

actually he's from Bellmaker but never mind I really like this story and if this is your first fanfic then I can't wait to see how you do when your more experienced   keep writing this is a good story and it has an origanum feel to it Just one thing it's nothing much and might only be me but the blue text is a bit hard on the eyes if ya get what I mean wot wot 

[Gabe The Warrior]

@Rachel25,

No problem! I changed the font to purple, is that more pleasing to the eyes? I hope it is.

I'm glad you enjoy my story so far, but I won't be writing soon. I'm feeling a bit out of it at the moment. I'm not feeling to well. To be honest I'm kind of depressed, I don't know why. It's just one of those days where your life feels empty.

[KitrallStreamrippler]

I know what you mean about feeling down- days like that aren't any fun. I hope you get over it soon. (Music helps sometimes: I recommend Queen or maybe Elvis Costello if you can find any.)

[rachel25]

@Rachel25,

No problem! I changed the font to purple, is that more pleasing to the eyes? I hope it is.

I'm glad you enjoy my story so far, but I won't be writing soon. I'm feeling a bit out of it at the moment. I'm not feeling to well. To be honest I'm kind of depressed, I don't know why. It's just one of those days where your life feels empty.

thank you for that  hope you feel better soon I'm really liking the story and can't wait to read more 

[Blazemane]

Great work so far.

I really like the glimpse of good (fatherly love) that we get to see from Scratcher when he talks with his son. The way he longs for plunder and killing and the fact that he's keeping slaves in the ship leaves him undeniably in the villain camp, but even then, I get the sense that he hasn't actually lost sight of everything. And that's interesting to me.

I'm also interested in seeing how Squeak is going to react when he's thrown directly into a raid with all of these doubts in his mind. In fact, if he ends up running away because he doesn't want to harm others, I wonder if his mind will turn back to the slaves on the ship and to whether he should try to free them or not.

Anyways, I hope you get the chance to continue. Also, while I can't give you any guarantees that my days of "life feels empty" mean the same thing as what yours do (so I can't say for certain, "I know what you're going through"), I do at least have my own version of them from time to time. In fact, I was feeling a bit like that tonight, staring at something I was trying to write and just... clicking my pen over and over and over and wondering what the point of writing anything at all would be.

As far as your feelings affect your writing, I should say that, as hard as it is for me to recognize it myself on nights like tonight, some of the best results of writing and reading come simply from enjoying a created world--and as far as that enjoyment goes, there isn't necessarily anything fancier or deeper to it, although I could be wrong; enjoyment is a gift itself.

Though if that didn't make any sense, I'm terribly sorry. In fact, I'm over here asking myself what exactly it is that I'm trying to get at. Heh, well, that's a big help.

Anyways, if you ever feel like you want to talk about anything, I think most of us are pretty open to that sort of thing (and also open to discussion on private message rather than public forum). I don't know how much help I can personally be when I'm feeling my own brand of "emptiness," but then... maybe we can hold each other up.

Hope to see more of this story soon!