Neither Seek Nor Shun The Fight feedback

[KitrallStreamrippler]

Since I have already gotten several comments on "NSNSTF" (as I lazily abbreviate it), I decided to make a feedback thread. Any constructive criticism is welcome, even if it's just calling my attention to a spelling mistake or a misused comma. (Of course, bigger stuff is good too. ) Fire away!

[Blazemane]

I've just finished reading your last two updates to the story (perhaps I read the first of them much earlier on, but anyways...) Your paragraph structure, as it relates to dialogue placement, is flawless as far as I can tell. And you already seemed to have had a rhythm set up for how dialogue is put into the prose (whether or not to say "he said/she said, whether to describe a character's actions before or after their dialogue, etc.), so it seems to have fallen very naturally into Jacques' style of "dialogue-at-the-end-of-paragraph."

I continue to enjoy Redsand; he seems incredibly patient and kind. And I'm hoping that Starbreeze and Hazel stay safe, but I'm looking forward to seeing them go on their adventure all the same. By the way, is Starbreeze meant to be from the same bloodline as Breeze and Starbuck?

And I think I may have figured out most of your riddle now!

If a treasure of battle and peace you seek,
Remember it's part of something the strong use for the weak.

Part of a sword? So...

The treasure- a bury from the words of a Warrior dear...

A ruby from the sword of a Warrior dear

Begin with nots, knot the ones that you tie,

nots
- - - - - -    s t o n -

Add mop to that and you're nearly ready to try.

mop
p o m - - -   s t o n -

Finish it off with breakfast, lunch, or supper's other name,

meal
p o m m e l   s t o a n

Then change one letter so it sounds just the same.

a => e
p o m m e l   s t o n e

Now that you know exactly what you're looking for
(A sonnet minus n that was there before Boar),

I'd mentioned this before, but "sonnet" minus "n" is "sonet," which can be rearranged into "stone."

The place to start is the Infirmary,
Speak to one there that serves us all faithfully.
Tell them your findings and then ask them this:
'Where is the old remedy for a wound from Baliss?'

This is the part I'm still stuck on, even with everything you wrote in the last update. What have Corksnout Spikkle or Torilis or Baliss got to do with all of this?

Fire away!

Chimps are going ape;
Giraffes remain above it all.
Elephants remember--though just what I can't recall.
Crocodiles are snapping up
fresh offers from the...

I mean...

[KitrallStreamrippler]

By the way, is Starbreeze meant to be from the same bloodline as Breeze and Starbuck?

And I think I may have figured out most of your riddle now!

The place to start is the Infirmary,
Speak to one there that serves us all faithfully.
Tell them your findings and then ask them this:
'Where is the old remedy for a wound from Baliss?'

This is the part I'm still stuck on, even with everything you wrote in the last update. What have Corksnout Spikkle or Torilis or Baliss got to do with all of this?

Fire away!

Chimps are going ape;
Giraffes remain above it all.
Elephants remember--though just what I can't recall.
Crocodiles are snapping up
fresh offers from the...

I mean...

Sorry, I have I make this quick, and this will likely be my last post before I leave tomorrow morning. So:

1) Thank you- your comments are quite constructive, as usual.
2) No, Starbreeze isn't intended to be their descendant- just a coincidence.
3) You've got it! The main part of the riddle was focused on the pommel stone.
4) What have the characters from Doomwyte got to do with this? You'll see soon enough- its not really the characters themselves, but that entry of Brother Torilis' in the infirmary book is important.
5) Hm... Your poem/riddle is intriguing, but as of now, I haven't the faintest idea of what you could mean.

[Blazemane]

1) Thank you- your comments are quite constructive, as usual.

I'm glad. And you're welcome!

2) No, Starbreeze isn't intended to be their descendant- just a coincidence.

Oh, o.k.

4) What have the characters from Doomwyte got to do with this? You'll see soon enough- its not really the characters themselves, but that entry of Brother Torilis' in the infirmary book is important.

Hmmm...

5) Hm... Your poem/riddle is intriguing, but as of now, I haven't the faintest idea of what you could mean.

I was just quoting The Lion King. Zazu comes to give Mufasa the "morning report," and Mufasa says "Fire away!" In a special edition re-release of the movie, Zazu starts singing the song that I wrote.

Often times, when people say "fire away," that's where my mind goes...

[Blazemane]

That shrew marching song was awesome! I love how you kept the rhythm-schemes consistent in the verses, with the first two lines of each verse corresponding with one another and then the next four of each verse doing the same. It reads like it has its own momentum, like a song should. It seems like it belongs really well in the Redwall universe.

And I like Skipper and Tallo's friendship. The way they greet each other comes across to me as both witty and warm--and I like seeing Skipper act with that sort of "traditional" otter playfulness. The last thing I want to try to say is that you should be making him a walking stereotype, and I have also enjoyed the calmer dynamics of the friendship he has with Abbot Ordlin, but what you wrote here does fit well with the way Brian Jacques' wrote--you gave him some of those sort of "Skipper hallmarks" in a very believable way. It worked well for me.

It's nice to see Clove coming to the fore a bit, too; she seems like she's got the best mind out of any of them for solving the poem.

Starbreeze also seems a lot like the way Jacques would write an eager young Long Patroller, and his word-choice and dialect seem properly hare-like. I just hope his antics don't get him and Captain Witherton in trouble...

On one last note, it finally occurred to me that the name "Witherton" matches really well with Hazel's commanding, down-to-earth personality. She gives a glare and the right threat, and Starbreeze stands corrected.

Great writing!

[KitrallStreamrippler]

Thanks, Blazemane! I always enjoy your in-depth comments, and they help me pinpoint what I'm doing well on and what I may need to improve. I'm glad to hear that you enjoy the story so far, but it may be a little while until the next installment, because there's a vicious Writer's Block in the way... *sigh* Thank you again for your comment, though.