The Mountain of the Fire Lizard

[W0NWILL]

Can it be? Has W0NWILL finally got off her lazy butt and started writing again? Well, since I'm currently in love with what I've done so far and writing this by myself, I got a real chance at finishing this one. At the very least a greater chance than my past fanfics. So not very large. But I'll try.

Chapter One:

On the shores of the western sea stands a lone peak; Salamandastron, the Mountain of the Fire Lizard. Of course, the origin of this odd name has faded from the collective memory of the beasts living there. But the funny thing about legends is, they never do truly die. They always live on in the minds of a few.

~~~~~

Far from the western shores, deep in the forest of Mossflower, is the Abbey of Redwall. There, good honest beasts toil, unaware that their lives, and perhaps there very understanding of the world, were about to change.

Areha, mother Abbess of all Redwall, woke early that day, just like the countless other times since she first because Abbess. Snow had fallen during the night, and could be seen through the frost-covered windows. Areha grabbed a homespun brown cloak from its peg by the door, thinking it would be enough to ward off the chill, and exited her room.

Passing by the kitchen, Areha waved to the molewife diligently cooking, before the Abbess picked up the tray set aside for her breakfast.

"Hullo marm." Friar Gurchee waved back, "Oi aspects ee's just loik you loik et? Oi added summ grub fer La'ek boi ee gate'ouser."

Areha drank in the wonderful smells coming from the warm, honeyed oatmeal, topped with finely cut chestnuts. The cheesy scones on the side were begging to be dipped into the oatmeal, or ate with a thick helping of butter, "Perfect!" she exclaimed, "But has it ever been anything else?"

Gurchee shuffled her footpaws in embarrassment, and became very interested with the dough she was kneading, "Oi wuddn't durr give ee Muvver Abbess anythin' less than ee best!"

"I'll make sure Lagek stops stuffing his face long enough to thank you." Areha joked, carrying the tray from the kitchen and towards the gatehouse.

The rising sun reflected off the snow, making it sparkle with a million shades of white. The air was cold and clear, and smelled of winter. Areha did a little cheerful hopskip down the steps, and after almost dropping the tray, straightened up and tried to look like an Abbess. This first snow reminded her of her dibbun days, when she would get into no end of trouble with Yikkle and Gurchee. The three biggest scamps in all of Redwall had all grown up to be fine beasts, she reflected. Gurchee had become the friar, the best cook in Mossflower, Lagek now slumbered diligently in the gatehouse, guarding the abbey, and she was the Abbess of Redwall. Not a bad job, if she did say so herself.

Reaching the gatehouse, Areha knocked on the door with her foot.

Lagek opened the door, slightly bleary-eyed. It took him a few seconds to recognize the beast standing before him, "Seasons, Mother," he said, "Y'know how early it is?"

"Early enough for you to get up." Areha said, leading the way up to the walltop.

Nearly every morn, Areha and Lagek took their breakfast on the walltop together, and a little bit of snow wouldn't change that. They breakfasted in silence, enjoying the warm scones and oatmeal and the quietness of Mossflower woods.

Lagek suddenly leaned forward, shading his eyes with a paw, "Is that somebeast out there?"

Areha peered to where he was pointing, and gasped as the cloaked and hooded figure collapsed, "Come on! They need help!" she cried, rushing down the stairs. Her nature called for the immediate help of anybeast in need.

The two old friends ran out to the small figure crumpled near the edge of the trees. It wore a thin brown cloak and had rubbery black skin, not quite scales, but not entirely a mammal's skin either. The strangest part about it was the bright yellow blotches on its body.

"It's some sorta lizard," Lagek observed, "He's very cold. We should bring 'im to Brother Sorrel."

The two beasts, dragging the limp lizard between them, hurried back to Redwall.

[The Skarzs]

Nice job! Can't wait for the next chapters!

[Captain Tammo]

I have ideas pumping through my head as to what's going to happen next! What are your plans for the fanfic, exactly? As in length, frequency and consistency?

[W0NWILL]

I plan for three books, like in the actual BJ stories. So it will be pretty long.

First book will deal with a legend of the past. Second will focus on the Long Patrol and Salamandastron. I can't talk about the third book without major spoilers, but there's going to be epic fights. That, I am 100% sure of.

I usually write in bursts. One day, I'll be typing 100 words a minute, the next, have massive writers block. So don't count on too regular updates. But since summer break is soon coming, you might expect an update every other week or so.

Also, this is a heavily AU story, in case that puts you off. Things will happen here that you wouldn't see in a regular Redwall story. Like the lizard protagonist, and other things that will become more clear as the story goes on.

I think that's what you wanted to know. For heaven's sake, don't use such big words!

[Osu]

Oh gosh oh gosh I love where you are going with this! Consider this fic stalked, madame! *grabs a tent and camps out in thread*

[Darkenmal]

Interesting idea; I could see many different avenues for this story. From what has been told so far, it looks to be concise, well written, and intriguing. I like it!

However, I do have some criticisms. First, and most obvious, is the length of the story. Ordinarily I wouldn't mind, but since you said that you want this to be as long as a regular Redwall tale, the chapter's length should be a lot longer. Not really a criticism all things considered, but something you should keep in mind when you are writing in the future.

Second, the structure of your story made this hard to read. Please consider spacing out your sentences so that it isn't a block of text. It may seem simple, but it really does help a lot. For example:

Chapter One:

On the shores of the Western Coast, stands a lone peak, Salamandastron, the Mountain of the Fire Lizard. Of course, the origin of the name has faded from the collective memory of the beasts living there. The funny thing about legends is, that they never do truly die. They always live on in the minds of a few.

~~~~~

Far from the western shores, deep in the forest of Mossflower, is the Abbey of Redwall. There, good honest beasts toil, unaware that their lives, and perhaps there very understanding of the world, were about to change.

Areha, Mother Abbess of all Redwall, woke early that day, just like the countless other times since she first because Abbess (every instance of Mother or Abbess I capitalized, as it was in the books). Snow had fallen during the night, and could be seen through the frost-covered windows. Areha grabbed a homespun brown cloak from its peg by the door and exited her room, hoping that it would be enough for the chill. (just some more meat that I think adds to this sentence.)

Passing by the kitchen, Areha waved to the molewife diligently cooking, before picking up the tray that had been set aside for her.

"Hullo marm," Friar Gurchee replied bacj with both a smile and a wave, "Oi aspects ee's just loik you loik et? Oi added summ grub fer La'ek boi ee gate'ouser."

Areha drank in the wonderful smells coming from the warm, honeyed oatmeal, topped with finely cut chestnuts. The cheesy scones on the side were begging to be dipped into the oatmeal, or ate with a thick helping of butter.

"Perfect!" she exclaimed, "But has it ever been anything else?"

Gurchee shuffled her footpaws in embarrassment, and became very interested with the dough she was kneading, "Oi wuddn't durr give ee Muvver Abbess anythin' less!"

"I'll make sure Lagek stops stuffing his face long enough to thank you." Areha joked, carrying the tray from the kitchen and towards the gatehouse.

The rising sun reflected off the snow, making it sparkle with a million shades of white. The air was cold and clear, and smelled of winter. (Good description) Areha did a little hopskip down the steps, and after almost dropping the tray, straightened up and tried to look like an Abbess. (This sentence seems off to be and rather... strained. I think you could add more to this scene to flesh it out.) This first snow reminded her of her Dibbun days, when she would get into no end of trouble with Yikkle and Gurchee. The three biggest scamps in all of Redwall had all grown up to be fine beasts, she reflected. Gurchee had become the friar, the best cook in Mossflower, Lagek now slumbered diligently in the gatehouse, guarding the abbey, and she was the Abbess of Redwall.

Not a bad job, if she did say so herself.

Reaching the gatehouse, Areha knocked on the door with her foot. (This produces a very odd and rather amusing picture in my mind, but I think you should change this. A light kick maybe?)

Lagek opened the door, slightly bleary-eyed as his eyes focused on who was standing in front of him, to which he jumped when he recognized who it was. "Great Seasons Mother," he said in a incredulous tone. (Could be edited better but I'm starting to get sleepy. )

"Y'know how early it is?"

"Early enough for you to get up," Areha said, leading the way up to the walltop.

Nearly every morn, Areha and Lagek took their breakfast on the walltop together, and a little bit of snow wouldn't change that. They ate breakfast in silence, enjoying the warm scones and oatmeal and the quietness of Mossflower woods.

Lagek suddenly leaned forward, shading his eyes with a paw as he stiffened, drawing the attention of his two companions.

"Is that somebeast out there?"

Areha peered to where he was pointing, and gasped as the cloaked and hooded figure collapsed.

"Come on! They need help!" she cried, rushing down the stairs, her momentary panic overruled by her desire to help a creature in need. (added, I think this helps add to the scene.)

The two old friends ran out to the small figure crumpled near the edge of the trees. (could use more description, like in the sentence above.)

"It's some sort of lizard," Lagek observed. "He's very cold, Brother Sorrel will have to see him."

The two creatures, dragging the limp lizard between them, hurried back to Redwall.


My third and final criticism is your grammar and spelling. I sincerely apologize if I am sounding rude, but I think this chapter would be a lot more effective with better spelling and grammar. I've underlined all the changes I made, feel free to implement them or not.

I hope I haven't been too forward, as I am not really that amazing at editing, although I am trying to get better, I still make tons of spelling and grammar mistakes all the time. I probably went a little overboard on my editing, but I feel that you could benefit from this. If not, it was good editing practice for me. I hope you continue writing this and that you enjoy it. I certainly did.

Cheers!

[W0NWILL]

It's completely fine! One thing you'll see often in my stories is that the first few chapters are relatively shorter than the rest; I like to get the story rolling before I make longer, deeper chapters. So don't worry.

I did skimp a little on the revision and editing to get it up more quickly. I also guess you don't see the format so much when you're typing it directly into the forum from handwritten(thank goodness I've got access to a good computer now, and don't have to worry about having to copy it from paper anymore!). Thanks for pointing my mistakes out. I have also made a few edits according to your suggestions, thank you.

@Osu: Thank you for the creepy nice gesture.