Nyroc Brushdale: The Journey to Genesis

[Luftwaffles]

Dude, I had totally forgotten about this fic (I know, my priorities are a mess) but I have read it in its entirety now and I have nothing less than sheer praising for you. I don't know how you did it, but you somehow managed to write an incredibly addicting story in just a few lines (I'm talking about the latest update). Keep it up!

[Søren]

Wow, thanks man! I had to stop when I went out of town, but hopefully I can get back on it soon.

[Søren]

Here's a tiny bit, I'm still working on the complete next installment though.

_______



After 4 long years of study, Nyroc Brushdale was proudly among a huge crowd of students who had just left the graduation ceremony. It finally seemed like everything was in place for him. It had been a rough few years, and competition in the school was relentless. But he endured. Though not without sacrifice. To be the best in the Academy, you had to be practically locked into your pad, constantly studying. He didn't have much of a social life. So when a group of his closest "friends" asked him to join them to celebrate, he agreed. He needed to "mingle" with other people, or so he was told by his instructors.

The group walked into a crowded room. This was supposed to be one of the Academy's "student hangouts". There was loud music that Nyroc recognized from his roommate's music catalog. Tons of student were piling in, moving to the music apparently and squishing around him. While trying to find a place of refuge among the happy students, he was able to slip into a corner, away from the crowd. He took several deep breaths. "Remember, socialize. Be brave, and say hello. Or dance. Anything."  He stood up straight, confidence restored, took a step forward, and promptly ducked out through the nearest exit. He couldn't take that kind of pressure.

"Why can't I handle it?" He asked the apparently homeless hedgehog on the curb. "I mean, I'm good with studying and can work under pressure. But I just can't talk to ... people." He sighed, looking to the hedgehog, (Sir. Stumps he called himself), for advice. Stumps squinted at him, and abruptly asked, "Am I getting paid for this?" "No" replied Nyroc. Stumps simply stood up, grabbed his bag, nodded to Brushdale and walked away. Nyroc watched, not completely surprised. He felt like he didn't have anyone to talk too. He stood, and quietly walked down the lonely street.

[Skyblade]

Lovely story, Soren!

I think you need to fix the formatting, but I figure you're aware of that ~

Keep writing.

[Søren]

Lovely story, Soren!

I think you need to fix the formatting, but I figure you're aware of that ~

Keep writing.

Thanks!
(Wait, what do you mean? It seems ok for me.)

[Skyblade]

I'm talking about the dialogue I'm no expert in writing, but I think in general it needs to be more formatted.

Here's the third paragraph of your story, which is a big block of text. A very well-written block of text, don't get me wrong! But still

"Mr. Brushdale, what have you to offer to this academy that the next promising young badger can't offer?" Said Adriana Fog, the head instructor at the Air Fleet Academy. "We only accept the best, and I ask you: Why does that include you?" The question threw Nyroc off. "Well..." He started. The head instructor, a stern looking mouse, stared at him. She was intimidating to say the least, despite her meager size compared to Brushdale. "...I'll be honest, I've worked all my life to be able to have this opportunity. I've worked hard, and long. This has been my goal, and will be my goal. And I'm absolutely determined to get into this academy. My whole life I've dreamt of being somebody great, who can make a difference. I want to be the person who can make a change in the world, and to really change it. I've got the passion. I just need the knowledge." The instructor looked up. "This academy isn't for knowledge. It's not just somewhere you pop into to learn something from time to time. This is a life long commitment. Its not only for you to gain knowledge, but technique. I'm afraid that if you can't realize that, then I can't sponsor your entrance into this academy." "Please ma'am! All I want is the chance to prove myself. Isn't there something I can do?" The mouse looked at him sternly, then faintly softened her face. "There is a contest. In one week. A flying contest, the winner gets a scholarship into this school. But you've only got a week to acquire a ship."

I'm going to re-format it to show you what I mean.


Generally, you want to start a new line when a new character starts talking:

"Mr. Brushdale, what have you to offer to this academy that the next promising young badger can't offer?" Said Adriana Fog, the head instructor at the Air Fleet Academy. "We only accept the best, and I ask you: Why does that include you?"

The question threw Nyroc off. "Well..." He started.


Another thing, dialogue tags ("said" and the like) are generally lowercase:

Mr. Brushdale, what have you to offer to this academy that the next promising young badger can't offer?" said Adriana Fog...

Third paragraph reformatted

"Mr. Brushdale, what have you to offer to this academy that the next promising young badger can't offer?" said Adriana Fog, the head instructor at the Air Fleet Academy. "We only accept the best, and I ask you: Why does that include you?"
The question threw Nyroc off. "Well..." he started. The head instructor, a stern looking mouse, stared at him. She was intimidating to say the least, despite her meager size compared to Brushdale. "...I'll be honest, I've worked all my life to be able to have this opportunity. I've worked hard, and long. This has been my goal, and will be my goal. And I'm absolutely determined to get into this academy. My whole life I've dreamt of being somebody great, who can make a difference. I want to be the person who can make a change in the world, and to really change it. I've got the passion. I just need the knowledge."
The instructor looked up. "This academy isn't for knowledge. It's not just somewhere you pop into to learn something from time to time. This is a life long commitment. Its not only for you to gain knowledge, but technique. I'm afraid that if you can't realize that, then I can't sponsor your entrance into this academy."
"Please ma'am! All I want is the chance to prove myself. Isn't there something I can do?"
The mouse looked at him sternly, then faintly softened her face. "There is a contest. In one week. A flying contest, the winner gets a scholarship into this school. But you've only got a week to acquire a ship."

[close]

I'm not trying to force you into writing like this, but I think it's cleaner and more standard this way. You might want to consider editing the story. Hope it helps, and keep writing ~

[Søren]

Ohhh, ok. Thanks.

[Delthion]

It's not a big deal. I write the same way you did, and I personally don't really care one or the other!

[Hickory]

*waits for next chapter*

Anyway, I actually have to correct what Sky said...

When you start a new line or paragraph, you do this:

...blah blah blah.
(indent)And then I went to the grocer's and bought some milk for the cat because he needed some different food because he was sick because he ate a really really really old dead mouse which had somehow survived rat poison and had eaten two-month old cheese....

Or....

...blah blah blah
(enter)
(No indent!)And then I had to go out to Petsmart buy some really expensive prescription dog food since my Schnauzer was super dooper sick and needed some quality food. Now I have to go out to Petsmart to get a new dog because our old Schnauzer died from being too obese from eating all that quality dog food.

[Søren]

Whatever, this wasn't really supposed to be an ultra-serious kind of fanfic anyway. I can't go back and make proofreading changes just yet. I've stalled doing this, I've a lot of writing to do with school before I can resume.

Honestly, the story I wrote in my head is much, much more interesting.

[Captain Tammo]

Honestly, the story I wrote in my head is much, much more interesting.

Story of my life, lol

[Skyblade]

My apologies if I gave misleading advice.

Are you continuing this, Soren?

[Søren]

I will, when I get caught up on school writing, (and if I get motivated). So it could be a while. I've not given up, just am trying to get my life together.
And I'm sure your advice is fine, I just can't go and fix it right now. The whole thing about "Said" being lower case, blame that on my iPad's autocorrect.

[Søren]

I take that back, after a sudden riish of motivation, I have a few paragraphs.

"I've got to be the worst engineer ever, Harry!" A young badger girl sat on a stool in a downtown cafe. It was late, and she had one too many dracktaginos. She stared down into her cup of black, milky thick liquid. The otter bar tender/barista, Harry, shook his head at her. "Just because the Orbital Defense Division didn't accept you onto that station doesn't mean you aren't a good engineer." he said, trying to cheer her up. The girl was a regular at this time of night, and was especially down tonight. He took the cup from her hands. "You won't be able to sleep tonight if you keep downing these things." She glared at him kiddingly. "I'm not paying for that!" she said.

   Nyroc was tired, aimlessly walking through the streets. He was exhausted. And hungry. He saw to "Open" sign of a cafe on the corner. "Maybe I can get something to eat." he thought. He walked in, observing the scene. A otter was washing some dishes, and another badger sat at the bar, with 5 empty cups in front of her. Nyroc walked up. He took one look at the girl and could tell she was very beautiful. Just...not fully there at the moment. She seemed to be half dozing, half talking to herself. "Is she ok?" he asked Harry. "Yeah, she's fine. Dracktaginos have a tinge of synthol in them, put her out like a light. She's a regular." Harry looked at Nyroc. "Never seen you before, what will you have?" Brushdale glanced at the sleeping girl again, and said "What ever she's having."

   That night, he laid awake, staring at his dorm room ceiling. That girl, he didn't even know her name, fascinated him. Nyroc never knew many other badgers, besides his parents and his weird uncle Kyle. He never seemed to see any while at school. Especially no one like her. He was thankful to have the room for one more night, because the nights ahead for him would be busy and draining. Moving into a new place, finding out he's not the only badger to live in the city, was all a lot to take in.

[Skyblade]

I'm not one for romantic stories Was this inspired by V, by the way? You could really write some realistic love scenes.

I'm going to keep reading this story; it's interesting. Well, if you keep writing.