When the Bells of Danger Toll

[Gonff the Mousethief]

Before I begin, I would like to say this is based of of a series of videos I have watched, so a little of that material may show. I have never written any thing like this before, so it is a learning experience. Please bare with me if I ma slow to upload to get new chapters out.

TAGS: [ACTION] [SAD] [DRAMA] [GRIM] [ADVENTURE] [EERIE] [FLIP] [THRILLER]

Preface

When the Bells of Danger Toll,
Not many will come to rise.
More will stay abiding at home,
While the brave answer the call.

Not all look the part,
That we want our saviors to be.
All that matters is a large enough heart,
And the will to want to live free.

Hard is the journey,
To face the dreadful foe,
But if you look it in the eye,
You will forever be, a hero.

Prologue

Neik Tol looked out across the water as the small boat drifted off. It was the last hope. No one else would come forth, not even those warriors of Redwall or Salamandastron. They would never trust the old Otter. Never. "Wacked out is he!" some said, or "Can't get his head out o' the dreams!" others would tease. Yes he had been wrong, but this time, oh this time he was right. Lord Vulpuz of Hellgates would rise, and no beast in the whole planet could stop it. Except the seven. And they would not stop it. They would start it.

Poneight Basha Gzo (Pronounced Ponyay Basha Gshow) sat at the mast, making sure the sail was kept North so the small vessel they sailed on would arrive in the correct amount if time. The ferret and his brother, Mecshan (Pronounced Mecshaun) knew the ways of survival on water and land, but Mecshan was a more knowledgeable scholar. Both had done there time in prison on many islands and countries, and broke free from them as well. However, he was skeptical of the others. So much tension was built that many where sacred to talk. This could call for weakenss and a unlikely time of demise for the others. Standing next to a old bench on the side of the ship was a badger whose name was Jerard. The monster stood masculine with his tunic struggling to stay together against his bulging muscles and the belts that were around his back and waist seemed to want to pop as well. He had been trained by a group of searats to be a bloodrath machine, but he escaped and went on with life, never returning to the sea until now. Sitting next to him on the next to him on the bench was a small mouse, who was in nothing but rags, and gazed at everything he saw. The poor thing, young he was. The wild lands where they ventured to would kill him. Apparently, his parents never took care of him, and left him only a couple weeks back. Oddly, his name was Derand, a powerful name with a quick yet menacing tone. On the opposite side were a hedgehog and mole playing cards and enjoying themselves with two large pints of Ale. The hog was Kyrll, and the Mole Mitt. They had been life long friends, and just recently got into the sea-trading business. Finally, in a small corner sitting by the extra ropes and sails was a lonely fox named Bersailles (Pronounced Bersi). He looked sickly and had not spoken a single word since the crew had joined up. Plus, he had two large shackles on his wrists, that by the looks of them, Jerard could not pull off. No one knew where he was from, but it seemed as though he was a prisoner, and a beaten one at that. Poneight's heart went out to him. Maybe the Cold would take him out before Derand.
"Sickly bunch o' lads aren't they Mecky?"
The bright ferret turned his attention from manning the wheel and looked to his younger brother.
"Looks that way to me Pon."
"Who you callin' sickly!" boomed a loud, deep voice. The crew's attention turned to face Jerard who was staring eye to eye with Poneight. "I was BORN healthy, I fight the Ill!"
The ferret chuckled at the remark. "Not talkin' about you, y' brute. You seem well off t' me."
"Sickly in the head he is though!" piped in little Derand. The mass of creature turned to gaze down upon the premature mouse. His deep black eyes stared into the bright green ones of Derand.
"You better take that back MOUSE!" he exclaimed spitting a little into the scrawny body of the child.
"Never!" He hopped down and ran through Jerard's legs, and hopping onto the area where Poneight and Mecshan sat.
Red turned the eyes of the Badger as he turned around and took a mighty step, rocking the boat to one side. He pulled out his broadsword from his scabbard and charged the tiny mouse. The other creatures on the boat gazed as he took a giant leap and landed in front of his target. Jerard lifted his sword, but was knocked in the jaw by Mecshan, causing his eyes to return to a normal black, and his legs to go limp. With a loud creaking of the wood, the badger fell backwards next to Mitt and Kyrll, passed clean out.
"Jaw weakness. Every Badger has it. Used it to escape a couple of times. Remember the jail at Sala and Hyter?" Mecshan replied to the faces of awe he stared at.
"Remember quite well actually. Took that sucker of a Badger Lord clean out!" At saying this, he glanced over at Bersailles, who had a rare smile on his face. The ferret smile back, and was about to return to his mast work when Kyrll, the hedgehog, passed clean out onto Jerard. A laugh came from his mole friend.
"Hurr, lookit loike I win thurs un!"
"Looks like they really are 'sickly',"Derand said as he hopped back down to his bench. Laughs came from all five, yet only a chuckle from Bersailles. Captain Poneight smiled. Maybe there really was something not broken in that fox. With that thought, he spun back around and moved the mast due North. There adventure had only begun.


Here were the seven. Poneight the Captain, Mecshan the Brains, Jerard the Might, Derand the Nimble, Mitt and Kyrll the Un-wound, and Bersailles, the Reserved. These were the ones who The insane Otter of Mossflower Wood had sent out to find and stop the evil. However, he did not know the risks and tragedy which lied ahead.

[The Skarzs]

Intriguing premise, I say. However, there were a couple spelling mistakes (there instead of their, a lowercase letter at the beginning of a sentence), as well as (in my opinion) an improper writing technique. Please take with a grain of salt.
  When you were telling of what they said of the otter, I feel it would have been better to just say "He can't get his head out of his dreams!" rather than "Can't get his head out o' the dreams!", and "Whacked out is he" would more easily be written as maybe "He's crazy!". You are referring to more than one creature saying a similar thing, and it is impossible for them all to have the same dialect or use a term such as "whacked out". You were telling of what creatures said, not how they said it; dialect and accents are for dialogue, not narration.
  Your style seems to lean towards using words like "plus" and "buff"; while this is indeed a writing style, it's rather lazy and I don't like reading those words. "Plus" is another narration vs dialogue thing, and "buff" is slang.
  Lastly, the whole scene of the seven was rather confusing and vague.
  When I went to reread it I realized "Oh, they're on a ship? I didn't know that". Make sure to keep the setting in perspective, or all your readers will end up losing all sense of space, location, and everything other than bodies or heads floating in empty space.
  As for the descriptions themselves, they were far too condensed and close together. Some way to improve that would be to add some action in, giving both descriptions as the characters speak, are spoken to, or are observed moving.
 
  Poneight Basha Gzo stood at the wheel of a double-masted ship, keeping the course headed directly north. He turned to his brother, a ferret who was currently consuming the information of a tattered book. "Hey, Mecshan, [insert dialogue hinting the two brothers' survival prowess]."
  "[Blah blah, better than prison I guess, blah]"
  [Interruption by badger] [First impression of badger; perhaps he has the baby mouse strapped to his back or something.]
  "Alright, tell that mole and hedgehog, Mitt and Kyril, to end their game of cards." Poneight peered at their mugs. "And tell them to stop drinking or they'll fall overboard." He looked at the huddled form of a fox at the railing who was staring down at his shackled wrists and paws. Even though he hadn't made even the slightest of a whisper during the trip, the poor beast had apparently had them on for a while, and even the great strength of Jerard could not break them. Perhaps the cold would take him first, the ferret thought.
  "We're quite the motley and forsaken lot, aren't we, Mecshan?" Poneight's face pulled into a sneer [or some other action showing his personality]. "I don't think they'll stand a chance."

  Finally, I feel this last bit of information:

had sent out to beat back the threat of Evil by rising it from it's opened grave.

. . . gives too much of what is to come. It would draw the reader in more if they weren't sure  exactly what they were going to do. Will Vulpuz be awake when they get there? Who is Vulpuz? Are they really going to let him rise? or how will they stop him? These questions would be what the reader wants to be shown through the story, not told right off the bat.

[Gonff the Mousethief]

Thank you for your advice. I have been meaning to put this into words, so I was in a rush to fix some of the errors and such. The reason I have no dialogue was that the tension was high as the group had just met. Most of them are reserved, and not used to others like this.

As to why I chose to add the accents, was to make it seem as if Nein Tol were remembering the taunts and jeers. Making them seem as if they were said plainly would take away that effect. Also, I added "others would tease", indicating that many has said things like this before.

I will go back and add more. I just thought that mentioning the Nein seeing the ship leave and Poneight at the mast would give the area of space enough.

I did add the time before in at the end, and didn't realize that it seemed to confusing.

Thank you once more for your help, and I will go and make the corrections.

[The Skarzs]

I was giving what advice I could.

The changes you made gave more insight into the characters' personalities, but it could still use some work in future writings. One thing though. . . I feel that it would be very unlikely that Jerard would rock the ship at all. Sure he's big, but unless it was a small ship (which perhaps it is) then it wouldn't do much.

[Gonff the Mousethief]

It is a small ship as mentioned before. They only really need one person to work the sails, plus the area where the Hedgehog and Moke were was not far from the bench which was on one side of it.

[Mhera]

I'm hooked

[Captain Tammo]

Wow your writing has gotten so much better over these past months, Gonff! I don't know what you did, but keep doing whatever it is and you'll be on bookstore shelves sooner than you think!

I liked the poem at the beginning a lot. Was that yours?

I'm gonna have to disagree with Skarzs' review on this one (hahaha I have no idea how you missed the part where they were on a ship XD). I found the lack of dialogue to display the characters' unfamiliarity with each other to be a relatively good move. You've revealed a bit of the characters so that we're a little familiar with them, but you haven't exhausted all of your backstory and ideas on one chapter, and that's good! You've done just enough to get us hooked, like a movie teaser. This is a fanfiction I'll be keeping on my radar. Can't wait to see more of what you've got, Gonff!

[The Skarzs]

I'm gonna have to disagree with Skarzs' review on this one (hahaha I have no idea how you missed the part where they were on a ship XD).

It was confusing enough to cause me to lose all perspective. I've been taking a writing course on fiction writing, just FYI.

I would say more in response, but to Tammo, but I don't need to defend my critiquing.

[Søren]

I'm hooked

Agreed, awesome work Gonff!

[Luftwaffles]

I'm hooked

Agreed, awesome work Gonff!

Agreed as well, this is terrific, Goniff

[Gonff the Mousethief]

Thank you all very much! I means so much to me. As for you Tammo, I hope my edits didn't change the way you thought the story was. I didn't want to explain everything right off the bat, for explanation kills the story. Character development is still to come, so this was just a small glimpse of the protagonists, with some hidden foreshadowing in there,  .

Oh, and yes I did right that poem. Thought it would be nice to complement the story.

[Søren]

The poem was a nice touch.

[Skyblade]

Wonderful, Gonff! Mysterious and well written - bound to be an epic tale

[Gonff the Mousethief]

Thank you oh so much Sky!

Here is Chapter 1. I know it is sorta short, but there is a reason for it. Also, If the end was confusing, I can explain it.



    The small boat, docked and land bound, sat heating in the rough heat of the Summer sun. Dotting the sand were multiple foot prints, those small, large, and odd shaped, along with signs of rope, boxes, and other cargo. Both trails led from the sandy beach and into one of the many "different" forests that dotted the island.

    The shade from the tall assortment of trees cooled down the group as they trekked onward through the forest. Gnarled roots and knee deep holes spotted the very moist and soggy earth. The grass (if you could catch a glimpse of from under the sheer amounts of dead leaves) had a light lime tint while most of it was a dark green shade. To add to it all, there was an awful stench from what smelled like a bog nearby, and a large one at that. And to think that this exotic wonderland was just a glimpse of what lie ahead!

    Swatting a fly away from his face, Jerard spoke out from the silence of the group. "We've been travelin' for hours now! Why haven't we stopped to eat, rest, or even talk?"
"Aye, me feet don't feel so good. Wanna pass out really," commented Kyrll.
"Heh, shood have brut the mead from the boatz!" replied his mole friend.
Poneight and Mecshan both kept trudging through their odd surroundings, trying not to cave into stopping. The trip to the designated location was long, and it would do them good to get there before darkness stirred around. It was truly dangerous to be out here then, and fatal as well.
"Hey! You gonna listen to me!" Boomed the Badger, stopping in his tracks starring into the back of Poneight. The ferret glanced over at his brother than turned to face the others.
"I told the lot of ya' that its a far walk ahead, and rest would be better than foolin' around. This is dangerous territory. Now I hear a river up o' head, so we will make a quick stop there and get all o' our heads together, 'ight?"
Mumbles groans came from the group as they traveled forward into the great unknown.

    The river that Poneight thought he heard turned out to be a small tributary pooled up into a lake which led off creating a waterfall over a cliff which lied passed it. Disapointed that they would have to travel past a cliff, the group took off their packs and set down the crates and tools they had brought from the boat. Derand had been carrying the bag of provisions, and didn't want to give it to Mecshan to distribute.
"Derand! We need it! We all are weak and tired!" Still, the young mouse refused to give iProxy-Connection: keep-alive
Cache-Control: max-age=0

up.
"No! Its mi-" He was cut off as Bersailles kicked the sack out from his paws and handed it to Mecshan without saying a word. Everyone stared at the fox as he took a seat back on his crate. He was confused as to why everyone was looking at him and pointed at Mecshan directing the attention away from himself. The ferret was having other emotions. With a face of stone he dropped the remnants of the bag out onto the ground. Out pored apple cores, burnt bits of bread, half a jug of fresh water, and an un-opened jar of strawberry preserve. The enraged ferret glared up in unison with the others at the mouse. Derand's innocent face was red, as he stared at the ground.
"Sowwy..."
"SORRY! THAT IS ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY YOU PEST!" boomed Jerard as he stood towering over the mouse. His masculine hand reached down and grabbed the mouse, picking him up to his eye level. Derand looked deep into his eyes as small flares began to flicker like a spark in a wildfire. It grew into a flame, than a fire, turning his eyes blood red. Death was all that the child of a mouse wished for at this point.
"I'll CRUSH YOU SPINE AND EAT YOU FOR LUNCH RAT!"  Tears flowed down the poor child's face as the grip of the Badger grew tighter.
"Jerard! Stop!" yelled Poneight. "We all make mistakes! Plus we have enough for now!" The Badger turned around and looked at the pile of trash on the ground.
"THIS WOULDN'T FILL A BUG'S STOMACH! HE CHOSE WRONG, AND HE WILL PAY!" With these last words, he threw the Mouse into the pile of remains and was about to stomp on his face, only he couldn't move his foot. Still being clouded by Bloodwrath, he tried moving the other, but to no avail. Suddenly, his balance was gone and he fell backwards with rope tide around his legs. His fall shook the ground and angered him more. Everyone was confused as to how rope had been tied around him. They all had been paying to much attention to the yelling that they had not seen Bersailles tie his legs together! The weakling of a fox hopped onto the chest of Jerard and muttered one single word. "No". With that, he helped Derand up, (Who was not injured, just a tad scraped), then grabbed an apple core with enough flesh remaining and sat back down once more. The group was in silence once more. Poneight spoke up as Jerard was cutting the ropes off his legs.
"Jerard. There was n' reason t' burst out lik that. You cud have killed him! Now, he will be punished by not getting a meal for the rest of the day." The mouse's eyes widened at that statement, with Mecshan nodding to him. "We cen not have outbursts lik this. We are a team, and have a mission to do. Mec, show em' the map."
His brother pulled out a scroll which seemed to have gone through some wear from the years. He unrolled it and placed it on a crate in the middle of the group for all to see.
"Now, here is the forest we are in." The Ferret pointed to a small green patch near the edge of the island. "Here is where we need to set up a base and travel to by tonight" He moved his paw to a desert region at least another six to seven leagues away. "We have till Dusk to make it. You remember what Neik said about what happens afterwards, right?" They others nodded with grim looks on their face. "This stop has taken up precious time. Just get a small amount of food and get packed. We leave in five minutes." With that, he rolled the map back up and started to pack. Poneight nudged him as he did the same.
"What time you reckon it is eh?" Mecshan looked up at the beaming hot sun and glanced at everyone's shadow.
"I'd say three-ish. We need to hurry. The Island sun set at Six, and it will take us at least four or more hours to get there. Plus, this scaling this cliff will be hard."  
"Aye. Well keep an eye out. This whole place gives meh the jitters."

    Everyone had their packs and items ready, and got in a line, this time with Derand on a close watch by Mecshan.
"Right mates! We are heading west along the cliff 'till we fine a nice place to g' down!" Poneight signaled to the others. They nodded, and began to walk.

SWWIZZTT                

An Arrow covered in fire shot through the brush of the woods and landed in the shoulder of Mitt, knocking him off of the cliff!
"MITT!" cried out Kyrll looking over the cliff. Another one zipped out, nailing him in the leg, sending him sprawling!
"Get down!" shouted Poneight ducking near the edge. He peered over to see where his comrades had landed, but as he looked, his vision went black as a sling stone knocked him clean out. The dead-weight of his body carried him over in the same fashion as his friends. Mecshan's heart jumped as we saw. While he was trying to think of a way out, one of the crates caught fire from an arrow. There was no way out except off of the cliff. With a loud gulp, he yelled, "JUMP!" He hurtled himself off of the cliff face. Bersailles was in a panic and jumped quickly after, his weak body gasping for air. Jerard was about to sprawl off, but saw Derand not leaping. Now was his chance. While the small Mouse was chewing his paw nails, the badger booted him off, and jumped shortly after, only seeing two fire arrows fly above his head as he took one last breath...

[Skyblade]

Good work! You have well-developed characters; it's interesting to read about them. I also like your writing style.

There are a few spelling errors, and you might want to clean up the formatting