They Weren't the Heroes We Wanted

[Eulaliaaa!]

  So, I've been thinking. What if there was a Redwall fan fiction about superpowers? It may sound dumb or cheesy, but I think I might be able to pull it off. If I can't make it good, well, at least I tried. I hope you guys like it...

Ch. 1

The heroes came here on one terrible day,
When we were desperate enough to not turn them away.
We were forced to accept them, to forget and forgive,
In hopes that those outcasts could help us to live.

   The fox's expression gave away her shock as the odd squirrel across the bar locked eyes with her. The fox, Stashi, closed her mouth after letting her jaw drop slightly, then shifted in her chair and tried to ignore the squirrel. His orange eyes flickered with red and yellow, resembling a fire and standing out with his ashy grey fur. Though they were cold and unforgiving. Both of the travelers stood out in the bar, from their clothes, to their behaviour, to the unearthly look in their eyes. Stashi pulled at the neck of the bulky black trench coat so that it hid more of her face. Her belt had several daggers thrust into it, and she knew how to use them.

  The squirrel she was ignoring began to fidget with the sleeves of his reddish-brown jacket, then pulled the black flat cap on down farther over his eyes. The broadsword slung sideways across his back reflected the light of the torches in the room dangerously, though he rarely ever needed it.

  Both travelers were interrupted by a small group of woodlanders wandering up to the squirrel, their self-appointed leader pushing him, "Ey matey, this 'ere is our... bar. An'... you're in it. Now why doncha jus'... leave an' save yerself th' trouble, K?" He belched loudly.

  Stashi watched as he looked up at the drunk mouse, an expression of boredom on his face, "This bar isn't yours, mouse. Leave me along, I haven't finished my drink yet."

  The mouse shoved him harder this time, "Does i' loo' like I care? Now leave, an' ne'er come back!" He shouted.

  At this, the fox rose from her seat, rushing over to the mouse and his small group, "Hey, don't you talk to him like that! Leave him alone!"

  The squirrel leapt up, "Stashi, go! I don't need you, you've hurt me enough!" He roared.

  Stashi turned to face the squirrel, "Ashen please, let me help you. I'm sorry, please, let me make it up to you," she begged.

  The mouse chuckled, "Eyyy, why you fightin'? Tha's no goo', mateys," he stumbled over the words drunkenly.

  "Stashi no," Ashen yelled, "There's no way you can make me forgive you. Leave, I don't know why you're here, leave."

  "You think I knew you were here? No, this was a coincidence, Ash. Just let me make it up to you, I'm begging you. Please forgive me," she pleaded.

  Ashen slammed his fist down on the table, sending sparks everywhere, "Shuttup! Don't call me that, vermin. Go away!" At that last part, his fist lit on fire and he swung his arm at her, missing Stashi and hitting the mouse instead. Fire shot from his paw, hitting several other creatures. They all screeched in agony as he watched, terrified.

  "Hey, what's going on over there?" Someone yelled. A hedgehog pushed his way through the crowd, seeing several dead beasts on fire and a squirrel with a flaming paw, "Did you do this?" He demanded.

  Shocked, Ashen nodded his head. Several guards started surrounding him as the hedgehog stepped away, "How do you do that?" He asked, shaking with fear.

  Before Ashen had a chance to respond, Stashi pushed him forward, knocking the guards out of the way as she yelled, "Run!"

  Immediately Ashen began to run, out the door and down the street as she followed him, "Faster, they're right behind us." She glanced behind her, watching several guards chase after them, and the bar burning to the ground. They ran down several streets, taking lefts and rights, until they made it to the gate. The guards were far behind them, being unused to chasing creatures.

  They ran out the gate and into the nearby forest, the distant yells of guards still in the small town sounding out into the night. Both ran until they were out of breath, leaning against the trees for support.

  "What is wrong with you?" Ashen suddenly snarled, turning to Stashi.

  She shrugged, "I wasn't going to let them punish you for accidentally killing th-"

  "No, not that," interrupted Ashen, "Why were you trying to help, huh? I could've handled it, I don't need you stepping in to help. I wouldn't have used fire if you hadn't gotten in the way."

  Stashi straightened up, glaring at Ashen, "How many times do I have to apologize until you forgive me?" She demanded.

  Ashen shook his head, "I don't forgive backstabbers and murderers."

  Stashi's trenchcoat moved slightly, and her bright green eyes darkened, "It was an accident, you idiot. I hate myself for hurting her, but I didn't know," she yelled.

  "You killed her, now I have no one. You're a murderer," he accused.

  "You have me, Ash. Just forgive me. Remember when we were friends? We would always hang out together, tell each other jokes, get into trouble. Now you hate me, and I'm trying to apologize."

  "What did she do?" Asked a voice, it came from the bushes to their right.

  "What?" Asked Ashen.

  An otter jumped out of a bush, "You heard me. What did she do?" She asked. Her fur was brown, and she wore a grey, hooded tunic and sandals covering her feet. A sling was attached to her belt, but it didn't look like it was used often.

  "Nothing, it's none of your business. Who are you?" Asked Ashen.

  The otter laughed, "I'm Giggles Riverdog, pleased to meet both of you. And of course she did something, or else you wouldn't be mad at her," she explained.

  "I'm Ashen Flamepaw, nice to meet you too," Ashen said.

  "I'm Stashi Featherwing, what do you want?" Stashi snapped.

  Giggles laughed again, "I want to know what's wrong."

  "She killed someone and expects me to forgive her, now stop asking questions," Ashen said.

  The otter looked at Ashen, "Will you forgive her?" She asked.

  Ashen shook his head, fire beginning to crawl around on his paws, "I will never forgive that vermin, she's a murderer," he snarled, glaring at Stashi.

  "Woah, how can you do that with your paws?" Giggles asked, amazed as she pointed at Ashen's paws.

  The squirrel quickly stopped the fire, "No, it's nothing. I swear, I'm not able to do that," he tried covering it up.

  Giggles laughed again, "Wait... so, he can control fire, but what can you do? Are you able to do stuff like that too?" She asked Stashi.

  The fox shrugged, "I'd rather not talk about it," she muttered.

  "Don't worry, I won't judge. C'mon, I wanna know," Giggles said.

  Stashi glanced at Ashen, "I'd rather not, please just stop talking about it."

  Giggles jumped around, "Ok fine, but I won't tell you what I can do either." She laughed.

  Ashen glanced at Stashi, then looked over at Giggles, "What can you do?"

  Giggles stopped jumping, "Not saying, not until Stashi tells me. And hey, how about we stick together until those guards stop looking for Ashen. I don't have a home, how about we stay with Stashi for the night? I'm sure she wouldn't mind us staying at her home," She said, covering up a look of mischief with a big grin.

(So, I hoped you like the first chapter... it may have come off as a little cheesy, sorry, but I can write more if you guys want.  )

[Skyblade]

I think this is an original idea. Great writing style! I read it and enjoyed it, and strongly encourage you to continue if you wish

[Eulaliaaa!]

Thank you  (I know that last bit was a little rushed, but I was just trying to figure out how I would end the chapter)

[Skyblade]

I personally thought it was a good cliff-hanger, but I wouldn't know

[Eulaliaaa!]

Well, the whole introduction thing was rushed.

[Luftwaffles]

Your idea is refreshingly original, Eul. And I'm already in love with the characters

You know? For this only being the first chapter you wrote, a lot of stuff has happened and we already know some things about our main characters. I don't appreciate over-exposition, but I do love it when a story gets to the point and you did exactly that... and because of it, I'm now irremediably hooked.

I'm really enjoying the emotional struggles between the two major characters and I'm looking forward to see how their relationship evolves. If you keep this energy, this can be a really great story.

So, how about if I DEMAND more chapters? !

[Mhera]

Nice work, Eul. I'll read more if you want to write it

[Wot, wot!]

Oh my goodness, this is amazing!!! I'm already sucked in   Your style is incredible Eul

[The Skarzs]

Firstly, I'll give the good.
  This idea is refreshingly original, like Sierra said, and your characters have backstory that gives them depth. Often in fan fictions writers tend to use Mary-Sues as main characters (something I noticed and have begun adjusting in "Mossflower Falls"), but you've not done that. While it's unclear of what is really going on in terms of storyline, I'm still interested in seeing this continue.
  Now for the criticism. ( )
  Like I said last, we don't know what the conflict is really, or if there is a bad guy. There doesn't seem to be any place for the story to go (though you obviously have something planned), so it is a bit bland. There were some issues that I found confusing, like when you were describing Stashi. "Her pants were tucked into her tail, black boots, and she had several daggers etc." Read it over; it makes little sense. While it made sense when you were describing Ashen, it seems that you are trying to too quickly show what you want them to look like. Slow it down, reveal a bit in movement and dialogue; you'll see it paints a far better picture.
At the beginning, you suddenly mentioned Ashen's name. That was almost making an assumption that we already knew his name. Instead, what you might have done is leave his name unknown until Stashi says it (since she's the main character).

There were a couple other confusing moments, but they were minor and can simply be improved by practice in writing and reading over what you've written.



  I hope the amount of criticism outnumbering the good isn't too hard on you; I'm only trying to help. It's still a good story, and I encourage you to continue to write.

[Eulaliaaa!]

Thank you everyone, I'm glad you guys like the story. I'll write more when I have time/am in the mood 

@Skarz: I try to avoid Mary-Sues like the plague, no one wants to read about a perfect character. Personally, I want a character that struggles with not only the main villain, but themselves as well, it makes them more realistic. I like characters that way.

I don't want people to find out about the bad guy immediately, I'd rather introduce the main characters first. For the second chapter, I'm planning on writing about the main villain, then switch back to the three main characters on the third chapter. And about describing Stashi, I actually don't see what's wrong with that sentence  but I'll see if I can space it out a bit. And I like the idea of waiting to give the reader Ashen's name until later. I just thought that the reader would make the connection easily, but maybe not. And thank you for the criticism, it was actually really helpful.

[The Skarzs]

I still don't see how it isn't confusing. I must not understand what you mean. I did make the connection that the squirrel was Ashen pretty easily, but in my [humble and unwarranted] opinion it's kinda sloppy.

Glad you found my criticism helpful. I'm not trying to be biased or forcing my ideas on you, I'm just putting things forward that you may find useful.

[Eulaliaaa!]

Actually, I'm glad you pointed those things out. I went back and edited a few things (especially the ending. I decided against giving readers their powers all at once. I'll give it time before we discover Giggle's and Stashi's abilities. Though if you read it, you'll already know  ).

[Eulaliaaa!]

Ok, so here's another chapter...

Ch. 2

Earlier in the day that Stashi, Ashen, and Giggles meet.

 The ferret stood in the middle of the dark cave, his eyes darting around wildly. From his long, curved fangs to his tattooed arms, he could've been easily mistaken for a warlord. But he was shaking so hard that he had to kneel, staring at his paws as they trembled in the dim light.

 "You failed, Quickpaw?" Asked a smooth, hissing voice.

 The ferret nodded.

 "Do you know what happens to those who fail me, Quickpaw?" The soft voice asked.

 The ferret shook his head, "Ah, I won't do it again! Please, give me another chance, I'll do anything," he whimpered pitifully.

 A quiet rustle came from his left, and he turned to see a pair of red eyes staring back at him from the shadows, "You wish to make it right, Quickpaw?"

 The ferret shuddered, unsettled by the way his leader kept saying his name, "Aye." His voice came in a shaky whisper.

 "You'll do anything, Quickpaw?" It asked.

 "Yes master, I'll do anything you want!" He blurted out.

 "Die," came the voice.

 "D-die, sir? B-but why?" Asked the ferret.

 "You failed me, so you must die. That way, you will never fail again," at that, the ferret's leader emerged from the shadows. Quickpaw gave a strangled cry of terror, backing away from the adder. Its white scales shined dully in the dim torchlight, and its golden crown was placed to the side of its massive head, "Do scream, I want the others to hear the punishment of failure," he hissed softly.

 "No, wait! I'll do anything, please, leave me alone, leave me-" the ferret's cries for mercy were cut short as the adder sunk its fangs into its victim's body, enjoying the taste of blood and the ferret's weakening attempts to escape. That would teach his followers to never disobey when given orders. Tomorrow, he would take his horde and arrive at the great sandstone abbey he had decided to conquer. They had seen his scout, who had payed dearly for that mistake, and would surely know that there were more vermin lurking about. Never had there been such a warlord as the great adder Silverscale. Silverscale the Terrible, the Murderer, the Conquerer, the Great! Surely they would bow before him when they see his might, they would willingly give him their abbey! Oh the abbey. He had never seen such a building, such a glorious home. It was made for him, he was destined to rule Mossflower in that abbey.

 With a laugh, he stretched out on the cave floor, calling out to the guards, "Bring me food, I am hungry. And prepare to leave tomorrow, for we shall take the abbey!"

****

 "Vermin? How many?" Abbot Pine asked, a worried look on the hedgehog's face.

 "I'm not sure, Pine, he just said that he would tell the others," replied Skipper.

 "Hurr, 'e wur a narsty ole varmint, oi'll tell 'ee that," Sister Soilclaw said, fidgeting with her apron.

 "I know, Soilclaw, no need to repeat yourself. But by the way you described him, Skipper, I think we should be concerned," Abbot Pine said.

 Skipper shrugged, "I'll put guards on the walls, then talk with Badgermum Willow about it. She may know about them, she's lived a long life," he suggested.

 Abbot Pine nodded, "Sounds like a good idea, Skip. I trust that you'll know what to do should a vermin show up at our gates."

 "If'n they do, oi'll bees a hittin' 'em wi' moi ladle, burr aye," piped up the Sister.

 Skipper smiled at her, "Aye, I know you will, Sister, I know you will!"

(Ok, so there's that. Please forgive the terrible molespeech, at least I tried   and I know it wasn't a very long chapter, but some chapters will be shorter than others.)

[Mhera]

Nice work; you're mole speech isn't too bad   Just a quick question, though: what kind of beast is Abbot Pine? (I'm guessing squirrel based on the name, but it's not as obvious as Skipper and Soilclaw )

[Eulaliaaa!]

Thank you. And Abbot Pine is a hedgehog, I went back and fixed that. Thank you for pointing that out