Invasion

[Command Brasstock]

Zann stood on the next to his helmsman, looking over his ship, The Barracuda, and sighed. His raiding trip had not gone well. For the past season, he and his crew of rats and stoats had been raiding the settlements of the small island kingdom of Amijowi. They had found next to no loot and had scarcely avoided pirate hunters as well as several vassals of the kingdom. Zann looked up "Sails on the horizon, cap'n" bellowed his extremely overweight, and oddly named, lookout Buggur. "What type?' Zann yelled. "Sloop,looks like a full trader" replied Buggur. "Simon!"yelled Zann "Yes cap'n?" replied the tiny navigator rat. "How long till we run that ship down?" The rat judged distances. "At sundown, cap'n". The rat retreated back to his navigators room.
Later that night, Zann's crew armed themselves, eager to make something out of the failed raiding season. "Quick and quiet, got it?" Zann told his crew, with malice "Not like last time."
Once they judged that the trader crew was sleeping, they lit torches and threw grappling hooks over the traders railings. Zann could see the ships name was Coral. "Humph, typical." He and his crew took out their cutlasses and stormed Coral. Hooting, hollering and screaming, they quickly killed the crew of mice and otters. The trader was theirs, without even a cut wound. The rat that busted open the cargo hold,named Squig, yelled with delight. "Cap'n Cap'n" he yelled "Its full a coins!" Zann rush over. "The fates smile on us"he murmured, with awe.

And thats the demo of chapter one for my fanfic, Invasion. I will be introducing 2 new characters in the next chapter. Also, Captain Tammo, will i be allowed to use Amijowi as a local?

[Hickory]

Be prepared for an onslaght.

First off, you didn't skip a line before tossing in a dialogue line.  I suggest getting paragraph structure in form before you post the next chapter.

Second, this is an opinion, but is "Simon" such a good namke for a vermin? Unles his character fits the name, you should probably change it.

On the other hand, I love the forboding when Zann says "Not like last time." That was amazing! I love that!

Except for the grammar and spelling mistakes, which are easy to clean up, it's a good start.

[Command Brasstock]

Be prepared for an onslaght.

First off, you didn't skip a line before tossing in a dialogue line.  I suggest getting paragraph structure in form before you post the next chapter.

Second, this is an opinion, but is "Simon" such a good namke for a vermin? Unles his character fits the name, you should probably change it.

On the other hand, I love the forboding when Zann says "Not like last time." That was amazing! I love that!
Except for the grammar and spelling mistakes, which are easy to clean up, it's a good start.

Yeah, the grammar is real bad, and i was trying to make up names on the fly, when i probably should have used a name generator. And it is a first attempt. Thanks for the feedback!

[Command Brasstock]

Please excuse the double post, i just felt I needed to get the next chapter up.

Many leagues away,in a town on the coast, the legendary mercenary company of Commander William S. Brasstock was camping for the night.
"Commander, the scouts bring news." said a mouse, clad in bright bronze armor and armed with pike and shield.
"What of it?" replied the tall, well kept hare.
"Two Vermin groups in the south, both advancing on our position" said the young mouse, gripping his pike tightly.
"Afraid, one one?" replied the commander, turning to face the mouse.
"No sir, well, maybe a little"replied the mouse.He jumped up and down slightly, perhaps out of fear, anticipation, or both.
"No need to fear, The Company of The Boar is the best mercenary group around." Said William, as he climbed into his full plate armor, special crafted for him by the Badger Lord Rissim The Crafter in recognition of his excellent service to the Kingdom of Salamandastron.
"Yes sir, thank you, sir." Replied the mouse, as he hurried to prepare for battle.
Suddenly, a loud noise filled William's ears. The horns signaled that the vermin had been spotted, heading towards William's soldiers. Once William was fully prepared for battle, he left his tent and went to the front of his battle lines. He observed his troops carefully. The Company of The Boar was full of seasoned and battle ready soldiers, as well as lads that had been eager for adventure and had never seen battle. He could see his Toad Cavalry, his most elite men, clad in their shining armor and wielding long lances and sometimes broadswords or battle axes. He was riding a toad as well, but his had amor. He wielded the broadsword Cutter, a fearsome, double edged, well balanced, and beautiful weapon.
"Are! You! Ready!" he called to his soldiers.
A resounding "AYE" returned his call.
"Then" he called with force "CHAAAARGEEEEE"
His soldiers thundered forward with deafening noise, his toad cavalry smashing into the loosely organized vermin front line, tearing through and killing at least 50 of the hundred vermin in one charge. Even before the vermin could even think about what hit them, the infantry charge hit them and killed many before they could even scream. The sound of battle filled Williams ears as he cut vermin down with his sword.
"Aaaaargh" screamed the vermin leader as he charged William with his double sided war axe. William barley managed to side step him. He tried to swing his broadsword for the kill, but at the last second, the leader managed to deflect the blow with his axe. They circled each other until William made a sideswipe the vermin leader countered with a quick block and then swift over hand swing. William side stepped the swing, so close to him that he could feel it take off one of his whiskers. With great skill,he swiped the axe-blade in half.
The leader smiled "You have beaten me."
"Yes, I have" replied William. He then quickly cut the vermin leaders head off.
After that, the battle was over. His Company had only suffered a single wound. A mouse had his arm cut off when he was attacked from behind. The few prisoners that were taken were chained and taken to the town of Imso, the coastal town that had hired his company, to await trial. Afterwards, William was meeting with the town council mice to discuss his company's payment.
"We can give you half over two gold bars or two thousand coppers, your pick" said the eldest mouse, named Jeffrey.
"Coppers will do." replied William.
You have done us a great favor,may I remind you." Said Jeffery.
"My pleasure,good to rid this world of vermin" replied William.With that, William slowly walked out.


Chapter two of Invasion, I hope this one is better. I wasn't really sure about using toads as cavalry. It was the only thing i could think of that fit cavalry that sorta looked like it might fit in the Redwall universe.

[Lady Ashenwyte]

I wasn't really sure about using toads as cavalry. It was the only thing i could think of that fit cavalry that sorta looked like it might fit in the Redwall universe.

Horses. They can be used very well in stories if you manage them rightly. Now, this was a rather exciting chapter, but my critique is that you cannot  kill half of the enemy force in one charge. It would be much more realistic if say, 30, or 15 died. As for the last part, it would be better to leave the mouse elder unnamed unless he comes into play later in the story.

[Hickory]

By the way, it's totally okay to DP when you're posting a new chapter. DP isn't outlawed, just don't do it unless it's necessary. (which it was in this moment)

[Captain Tammo]

Captain Tammo, will i be allowed to use Amijowi as a local?

Go ahead, you've got my permission to use any setting you'd like from my fanfic. I really like seeing these places reappear in someone else's imagination. Looking forward to a great story, Brasstock!

Second, this is an opinion, but is "Simon" such a good namke for a vermin? Unles his character fits the name, you should probably change it.

Oh I beg to differ. I think Simon can be a very good name for the bad guy

[Lady Ashenwyte]

@Tammo:  Did you just reveal the whole plot to your Simon fanfics?

[Captain Tammo]

@Tammo:  Did you just reveal the whole plot to your Simon fanfics?

Haha, of course not! There's a whole lot more to Simon than just a label, trust me!

[Lady Ashenwyte]

@Tammo:  Did you just reveal the whole plot to your Simon fanfics?

Haha, of course not! There's a whole lot more to Simon than just a label, trust me!

Phew...