Veiled

[Jukka the Sling]

Hi!

I plan for this to be a series of snapshots of the intertwined lives of Veil and Bryony, exploring why Veil turned out the way he did and whether he was truly evil or mainly misunderstood. (There must have been a reason for his behavior!)

I go with the idea that 1 season = 1 human year, so Veil is the equivalent of a three-year-old child in this chapter, and Bryony's thirteen. I am also assuming that Veil was brought to Redwall at the age of one (he was born in winter and they found him in spring, and in this chapter it's autumn).

Enjoy!

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"Bwinee?"

The mousemaid turned at the voice of her young charge, setting her basket of nuts down and flicking a wisp of stray headfur out of her blue eyes. "Yes, Veil? Oh, what's wrong, dear?"

Three-season-old Veil had a perplexed and saddened expression on his chubby face. A few autumn leaves crunched into the grass under his small footpaws as he walked closer to the maid who was both foster-mother and friend to him.

"Layna an' Kalsie was mean to me."

"What did they say?" Bryony asked, her expression shifting into something unreadable. She knelt on a patch of grass and held out her arms to the ferretbabe in an unspoken invitation. Veil accepted and sat on her lap, snuggling his head into her shoulder, his brown eyes serious.

"Layna said dat I was a vewmin, and den Kalsie said dat I look funny." He clasped his paws awkwardly and twisted them around, then turned his large brown eyes on Bryony, expecting an answer.

The mousemaid bit her lip, struggling to quell her rising indignation. How could those two otter Dibbuns say such a thing? They're about three seasons older than Veil! Her paw clenched involuntarily, but she kept her voice light as she answered.

"Oh, Veil, that's not true. Layna and Kalsie don't know what they're talking about. A vermin means a creature who is bad, and you aren't bad, are you? You're a very good little ferret." Bryony suddenly grinned and tickled him under the chin in an attempt to distract him, while he giggled in response and tried to wriggle away. She hoped he would forget the otter siblings' other words.

After a moment, she breathed deep of the autumn air and asked brightly, "Isn't it a beautiful day? Why don't you run and play now? I'll go talk to Layna and Kalsie in a moment."

"But I need t'tell you somethin' else," he said, growing serious again. "Why did dey say dat I was a vewmin if I'm not bad?"

Bryony slowly shifted to a more comfortable position, as her leg was going to sleep. "Oh, I don't know," she answered evasively. In actuality, she knew quite well. Layna and Kalsie were the daughters of an otter couple who were former members of Skipper's otter crew. Their opinions on vermin were rather extreme, to say the least. While the adults had never said anything about Veil in particular, Bryony was not entirely surprised that their children were so harsh. "Maybe some creatures don't... understand... what words really mean and how they can hurt others," she continued, taking on a thoughtful look. "I don't really know."

"But I dot you knew everything!" Veil exclaimed, his eyes round with genuine surprise.

The mousemaid smiled. "Oh, not everything. Now, go on, go play." She pushed him gently off her lap before he could ask any more about the ottermaids' other comments. Veil got up somewhat reluctantly, took one of the nuts from her basket, and then, upon seeing some other Dibbuns wandering by, scampered off in a happier mood.

Once he was gone, Bryony sighed and got to her footpaws. She looked up at the sky, twisting a small bead bracelet tied around her left wrist.

"I really miss you, Mum," she whispered almost prayerfully. "I - I wonder sometimes if I'm even capable of raising a child. I'm – I'm only thirteen, you know." She stood there a moment longer, blue eyes even bluer with the sky's reflection, and then grabbed her basket, a determined glint in her eyes.

She had a pair of otter Dibbuns - and maybe parents - to talk to.


Reviews appreciated! Please tell me of A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G that can be improved here. (I promise I won't be offended!)

[rachel25]

I like it. I like how your giving Veil more of a back story and an explanation for his behaviour because I don't believe anyone is born bad or born good. Cus then your straying into that Victorian idea of good blood and bad blood. Which basically means that no matter what you will either be good or bad and you don't get a say in it. And often the people who were considered to have the bad blood were the lower classes. And in this case the vermin, in the Redwallers eyes.
(did that make any sense?  )

[Skyblade]

I have to admit, I did feel some tenderness towards young Veil in the beginning lines. The description of him was well executed. I can't say I felt heaps upon heaps of emotion, but that may just me; I've been a bit numb as of late.

It was a pretty interesting read, and I liked some of the lines, such as:

The mousemaid turned at the voice of her young charge, setting her basket of nuts down and flicking a wisp of stray headfur out of her blue eyes. "Yes, Veil? Oh, what's wrong, dear?"

Three-season-old Veil had a perplexed and saddened expression on his chubby face. A few autumn leaves crunched into the grass under his small footpaws as he walked closer to the maid who was both foster-mother and friend to him.

This is the part that evoked emotion in me. Here, Byrony's actions and dialogue present her as a caring mother-figure. And the description of Veil, like I said, was great.

"What did they say?" Bryony asked, her expression shifting into something unreadable. She knelt on a patch of grass and held out her arms to the ferretbabe in an unspoken invitation. Veil accepted and sat on her lap, snuggling his head into her shoulder, his brown eyes serious.

I like this part too. I feel like the first sentence could be used for foreshadowing, and the overall delivery is good enough to be worth mentioning.

The mousemaid bit her lip, struggling to quell her rising indignation. How could those two otter Dibbuns say such a thing? They're about three seasons older than Veil! Her paw clenched involuntarily, but she kept her voice light as she answered.

Minor thing but I think it's grammatically correct to say "They were".

I also like the mention of why the otter dibbuns may feel the way they do.

Once he was gone, Bryony sighed and got to her footpaws. She looked up at the sky, twisting a small bead bracelet tied around her left wrist.

"I really miss you, Mum," she whispered almost prayerfully. "I - I wonder sometimes if I'm even capable of raising a child. I'm – I'm only thirteen, you know." She stood there a moment longer, blue eyes even bluer with the sky's reflection, and then grabbed her basket, a determined glint in her eyes.

She had a pair of otter Dibbuns - and maybe parents - to talk to.

Quite a bit dramatic, but perhaps fitting for the situation I like this ending. Byrony's self doubt because of her age is interesting. The line "blue eyes even bluer with the sky's reflection" is also quite eloquent.

Is this a rough draft? Because the only thing I would advise is looking the fanfic over once you're done and making edits. If you want to, of course

I'll be reading this. Keep it up; I'm interested in where this story will be driven.

[Jukka the Sling]

@Rach:  Yes, you make sense.  And thank you so much for commenting!

@Skye:  Thank you so much for your comments!   Well, I did read over this several times, adjusting things, but I always have room for improvement.  Thanks again, and I hope you both like the way this turns out!

[rachel25]

Good and I can't wait for the next one.

[Lady Amber]

I loved it, especially how you depicted Veil! I'm looking forward to more!


(Yeah, I know, I already told you that I thought it was great, but I thought I might as well comment here. )

[Jukka the Sling]

Thanks!

[Captain Tammo]

Cool idea with the snippets from Veil's life! I'm looking forward to the next entry!

[Mhera]

Interesting, and well done. I'm looking forward to seeing how this plays out

[Jukka the Sling]

Thank you so much, Tammo and Mhera!