Feral Instinct (A Tale from Redwall)

[LT Sandpaw]

Author's Scribbles Hello anyone who bothers to read this. First off thanks for taking thirty or so minutes of your day to do so, second well, there isn't a second really.

Anyway I started working on Feral Instinct as a pet project, something to do on rainy days or while sitting around bored. I'm an incredibly slow writer so I didn't actually expect to ever finish the first chapter and do the grammar checks much less post it. Somehow I've scratched enough time together to finish the first chapter and start number two so you can expect that sometime next month.

That said Feral Instinct is based loosely off another story, besides Redwall, but I wont say which. I want ya'll to guess. For those statistic liking people the first chapter is 4860 words long and 9 pages on Word Doc. I plan on making it three chapter in total so don't expect any super long novel. I've done extensive grammar checks, and spelling checks, and triple check, but I'm 100% sure something slipped through, so I'd appreciate if you'd point those out so I can fix them. Also any logic errors, or bad wording you catch just quote it and explain what's wrong and I'll get it fixed should it require it.

So yeah, enough of my drabbling here's the story. Please Read and Review, and enjoy.




                                                                                        Feral Instinct


"I say sahs, land ho and all that wot!" A young hare leaned out over the side of a small single sail fishing boat. One paw gripping a rope, the other placed over his eyes to keep the afternoon sun from blinding him, he struck what he assumed was a noble, nautical pose. Behind him a second, much older hare sat up his long ears twitching eagerly. Dressed in a red officers' uniform of the Salamandastron Long Patrol Captain Tramis Barkthorn looked a true mountain hare. From his polished buttons and slick brown fur to his shined boots and bright yellow eyes.

   "You don't say Buddy, where away?" Tramis asked pulling himself to his footpaws. The youth, whose proper name was Budstock Smithens focused for a moment on the evening sun before replying.

   "Well South an' west sah, we're heading straight toward the jolly old it-is-land. Say Cap'n, you think that's the island we've been looking for?" A sea otter, far older than both hares and bearing many tattoos grinned from his place at the tiller, flashing his numerous gold teeth.

   "Bless ye 'eart Buddy sure enough there she lies. What I tell ye, ol' Seaflipper can always find wot he's lookin' for. Aye. Never been lost in all me seasons o' sailin' th' western sea. Tho' I've been 'ere afore so it don' count for much. That bein' mention'd I haven't visited 'er for nigh a score o' seasons. Tho' ye can always count on th' good will o' lord Quint. Nice mousie too, if a bit on th' pompous n' odd side."

   "So you've told us." Barkthorn said good naturedly joining Budstock at the boat's pointed prow. His sharp eyes soon detected what Buddy had already spotted, the small island home of lord Quint. A tiny smudge of gray on the horizon barely visible in the brilliant sunlight was all that could be seen of their destination. Three weeks of sailing on a cramped boat, in close company of the excitable Buddy, and the rather drab Seaflipper was tiring on anyone's patience. Tramis prided himself with being a calm beast even under extreme stress, but he had his limits.

   Feeling a small weight fall off his shoulders at the reassuring sight of land Barkthorn returned to his bunk space. He would need to primp up the best he could before they arrived. Their living quarters consisted of a tarp strung across a section of the amidships to protect them from the worst of the weather. Three blanket sets had been laid out along with bags of clothing and personal items acting as pillows. The small boat had space beneath the top deck, however it was far too small for the three of them, and currently crammed full of food and drinking water.

  Tramis grimaced in remembrance of the cold, sleepless nights when ocean rain pummeled the small boat. Her passengers barely protected and soaked though as they wondered if the fierce waters would suck them under. The hares had been concerned at least, Seaflipper seemed to enjoy a good storm.

   Shaking off the undesirable memory Tramis dug around in his pack producing a small earthenware jar, and brush. His uniform was always in good shape, he had never once let a single stain or blemish appear on the red and black cloth even during their journey. It was his whiskers and fur that bothered him, and he was sure he stank horribly. Sighing Tramis returned the jar of polish and scraping brush to the bag. There was nothing else he could do to his uniform, and his physical condition couldn't be helped either.

   "How long till we make landfall Cap'n?" Budstock called from his position, watching the distant island grow ever closer.

   "Harrha matey I say we make berth 'bout moonrise." Seaflipper answered jovially. He worked the tiller angling the boat to tack against the wind when a breeze caught up filling the triangular sail. "Aaarrr, scratch that'n then Bud. We'll be there earlier if'n this 'ere breeze keeps up. Early evenin' mayhap."

   "Jolly good, can't wait to get my footpaws on good solid ground again. By golly I'm never going to go sailing again if I can help it wot." Budstock declared descending from his perch on the prow. "Open shores, an' mountain passages for me. I'm not cut out to be a sailin' hare."

   "It be mighty 'ard fer ye to get 'ome if'n ye don't set no paw on a boat Bud. Aye, three weeks there, three back. Ye could try'n walk, tho' jus' let me know 'ow far that gets ye." Budstock's face fell and he slumped down slapping his muzzle with his paw.

   "Right, there and back. Uugh how did I let his lordship talk me into going? I'll be nothing but bones, an' fur by the end of this. I haven't even had a descent run in absolute ages. How am I supposed to stay in the bally Long Patrol as a galloper if I can't run? Ol' Bankstep will race me flat when we get home. It'll be embarrassing to no end, and after I bragged he'd never be able to catch me. Say Captain, how about me'n you settle down with this mouse chap. We can just live on the island, I'm sure it's a jolly top hole ol' place wot." Tramis chuckled as he returned to his seat beneath the mast.

   "Buddy if I remember correctly you practically begged to go. I wasn't going to take nobeast at first, but you just had to come. His lordship practically had to convince me to take you. I told him, and you it wasn't going to be much fun, just an invite to visit my friend's home."

Quint had saved Tramis' life during a battle some seasons ago. Tramis had taken the same impression as Seaflipper in discerning the mouse as queer, but he was good company all the same. They hadn't met since Quint had left Salamandastron to return to his secluded island home in the great western ocean. However a recent invitation from him to visit for a season or two had arrived which Tramis couldn't refuse. Rawnblade had been kind enough to enlist the aid of Captain Seaflipper, the skipper of a fishing boat as transport. The seabird who brought the letter had kindly flown between Quint and Tramis several times, to aid in communication. The mouse was expecting them soon promising an entertaining visit, and a wide variety of exotic foods.

"Also," Tramis continued in a lecturing voice. "We have sworn ourselves to the Long Patrol and his Lordship. He gave me leave to visit my friend, not leave to leave the Long Patrol and become hermits on some island. You know that galloper Smithens."

"Ah, I was just joking sah." Budstock muttered in his own defense collapsing into a sitting position. "I just don't want to spend too much time on this blasted tiny boat."

   "'Ey, she's a mighty fine boat young'un, an' don' ye forget it. I'll 'ave anybeast insultin' her whipped by th' otter o' nine tails, aye!" Seaflipper scolded. Budstock threw his paws up into the air and pulled his beret down over his eyes muttering something about there being too many captains onboard. Tramis shook his head at the youth's lack of respect for the rank and closed his eyes. They were lucky that during the entirety of their long trip on the cramped vessel they hadn't erupted into anything worse than a few friendly insults and threats.

   "Wake me when we get close Seaflipper, I'll be getting forty winks 'afore we get there." Tramis called his eyes still closed.

   "Harrha Cap'n Bark, get ye eyes shut. I'll wake ye when we're at th' dock."

   "Rather sah, wake me up too wot."

   "Ahoy youn'un get yer tail up inter th' rigging, no sleepin' fer ye now. Keep a'watchin' fer reefs, aye an' check our water speed, if'n ye want off, work 'ard an' we'll sail in faster n' ye can say high tide."

   "But the Captain's slee-"

   "Ye ain't no Cap'n are ye?" Seaflipper shouted. Grumbling Buddy stood up adjusting his beret to sit between his ears as he stomped over to the boats prow. Tramis lay back trying to ignore the steady stream of smothered curses coming from Buddy's direction. They would arrive soon enough. A life of luxury for a season and presumably a fine meal awaited them on the island.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~


   A paw prodding his back woke Tramis a short while later. He opened his eyes glaring up at his dream-breaker as he sat up. Budstock's grinning face swam in his vision for a moment making Tramis blink in desperation. A horrible lightheaded sensation overwhelmed his senses causing black edges to block his vison. Tramis fell back as his throat tightened, vomit rushed to the surface clogging his airway. He couldn't move his paws, his eyes, his ears. Every inch of his body felt as if it had been lit aflame.

   "Sah? Are you alright sah, do you need your medicine?" Budstock's nervous voice broke though Tramis' trance cracking the veil of momentary paralysis. Sucking in mouthfuls of air Tramis shook his head swallowing the bile that had nearly been gagged into his mouth. Rubbing his burning throat Tramis impulsively spat out a few bits of lunch screwing his face up in disgust. Budstock flinched away no longer grinning.

   "No," Tramis choked out coughing one last time. Gaining control of himself he stood holding a rope for support. "No, I'm fine Buddy. It wasn't that bad this time."

   "You didn't bally well look fine sah." Budstock trailed off shaking his head worriedly. "Anywho Cap'n Seabrains said to wake you, he's bringing us in we're here finally. An' guess the chap who's sitting on the shore waiting for us." Tramis didn't bother reprimanding Budstock for calling Seaflipper Seabrains.
Twisting around so he could see the island he forgot his momentary weakness squinting through the dim early evening light. A mouse dressed in a purple rode, and a turquoise sash stood on a dock, his paw raised in welcome. Tramis waved back his face breaking into a laugh.

   "Hullo old chap. Had a good season lazing about fishing and drinking?" The hare yelled across the short distance that still separated them. Quint's higher pitched and slightly shrill voice came back just as loud.

   "Hullo my friend, you came just in time for dinner. Of course I wouldn't expect anything less from a hare." While he sounded jovial Quint's eyes were narrowed, and his fur had become noticeably grayer. He seemed stooped and aged, far different from the mouse Tramis remembered so fondly. Still he easily caught the rope Seaflipper threw him, tying it off expertly. That done he assisted in pulling the boat in, a strong breeze billowing his fur.

Budstock leapt onto the dock the moment it came within range. Laughing he sprinted in a wobbly gait across the boards rushing past the surprised Quint.

   "Yeaaagh! Land at last. Aaaagh!" His hurried steps were way out of control from three long weeks on a boat. Budstock tripped and went into the water with a splash. Seaflipper roared his amusement while Quint smirked looking at the place Budstock went under in mild enjoyment. Tramis feeling more concerned prepared to throw himself into the water after his overboard companion.

   "Steady my friend you have no need to ruin your uniform, he shall be fine." Quint said holding out a paw to stop Tramis from diving in.

   "He can't swim," Tramis shouted looking frantically into the dark water.

   "He shall be fine." Quint repeated. "But who is he?" Tramis couldn't answer, looking in confusion at Quint who seemed at ease. Not sure whether to ignore Qunit's advice and jump in anyway Tramis found his unasked question answered when Budstock broke the water's surface standing with the small waves lapping at his chest.

   "Baah, tastes nasty. I sure hope dinner tastes better'n then seawater." Budstock said spitting out a stream from between his teeth. Looking around Budstock's blue eyes fell upon the laughing Seaflipper and smirking mouse. His tall ears turned bright pink as he glared back at them. "Bally well laugh while you can you cads. When I'm a general I'll flippin' well wipe that chuckle off your bloody faces sahs. I'll have you saluting, an' polishing boots until you go gray an' your paws fall off wot."

   "If'n ye use yer eyes," Seaflipper managed between hoots. "Ye'd see me fur growin' grayer by th' moment young'un."

   "I doubt you shall ever make general young friend." Quint put in sounding almost sour. Turning to Tramis, who had switched from concern to amusement, the mouse raised a large bushy eyebrow. "Who is he?" He questioned twitching his head at Budstock.

   "That's my companion and assistant Budstock Smithens, galloper in the patrols. Though everybeast calls him Buddy. But he answers to Bud, Stocks, and soggy hare too. And that is Captain, sorry Cap'n Seaflipper. But you've met him before."

   "Why is he here?" Quint asked tactlessly crossing his paws ignoring Seaflipper for the moment The otter didn't notice the rudeness as he was too busy tying up the sail and laughing at Budstock. Tramis took a double take looking Quint twice over. It was definitely the same mouse who had saved his life many seasons before. Yet something was off about him. Something Tramis couldn't quite explain.

   "He... Wanted to come I guess. Here Buddy come on out." Bending over Tramis grabbed ahold of Buddy's paws and heaved him back onto the dock. Budstock stood disheveled on the wooden boards. His uniform sopping wet and his fur stuck flat to his frame making him look surprisingly thin.

   "About bally time sah, I was goin' to catch my death wot. Or die of bally lackofscoffation." Budstock remarked trying and failing to rinse out his regimental jacket.

   "Why is he here? You were suppose- Ah never mind." Facing Budstock the mouse shook his paw vigorously. "Greetings friend Budstock, I must admit you were unexpected, but I believe and hope it shall cause no trouble. Welcome to my home. And greetings too you as well my old acquaintance, Cap'n Seaflipper. It has been a long time since our last meeting, long enough for my ribs to finally heal. Shall we keep it that way?" Seaflipper barked leaping off his boat and scooping the mouse into a rib crushing hug.

   "Harrha matey, we'll fix that'n up right quick. Aye." The otter exclaimed squeezing tighter. Quint's eyes looked as if they were about to pop out of his head at Seaflipper's extraneous greeting methods. Tramis felt for the mouse having been introduced to his transport's captain in a similar way.

   "Oof, let me go you oversized nutcracker, do you want dinner or not? A dead host cannot serve his guests." Quint's loud protests made it through to Seaflipper who released him after one last squeeze.

   "Harrha lead on matey. I've got an' itchin' fer somethin' warm fer me ol' gut. Fish'n clams'n oysters'n such." Quint rubbed his sides ruefully, but the unpleased look on his face had vanished, replaced once again by a smirk.

   "Right you are. It's not exactly finished yet so we'll take the long way to my home. Through the sand and trees. I know how much you would like to stretch your legs, I've taken such a long journey in ships many times. By the time we make it, dinner will have been served and we can eat without delay." His face fell on the still dripping Budstock who winked back. "On the other paw you might have some delay. But it is no matter, the sea breeze will dry your fur, and I have spare clothing at my house which you can change into. Luckily we we're planning on having a hare stay for some time. We prepared accordingly. They should fit you nicely."

   "We?" Tramis asked glad the abrupt side of Quint had vanished. He was acting more like his old self now and the officer felt slightly more comfortable about the situation. "I was under the impression you lived alone."

   "Key word lived, past tense. I acquired a wife and daughter since our last meeting. And I have several servants to cook, clean, and maintain my home. Having a family, it's changed me. It's changed what I would do." Quint shook his large ears as if trying to rid himself of an irritating fly. "Never mind me, let us walk."

   And walk they did. Quint's home island was a beautiful place during the sunset. Large palm trees swayed in the wind, and white sand slid under their footpaws. The island's center was a thick jungle for the most part, but where they walked several small fields growing numerous types of crops had been cut into the landscape. The sand soon turned into lush green grass then a gravel path. The entire scene was dominated by the constant swish of the ocean, and cry of the seabirds. True to Quint's word Budstock was soon dry, the seemingly endless wind made short work of the water leaving only damp clothing and rumpled fur.

   As they passed a series of small hills Quint's house, or mansion as it could be called came into view. Both hares could only stare dumbfounded at the structure, even Seaflipper looked surprised summing up their thoughts in a single sentence.

   "Blast matey, ye've done a few likkle impermovments on th' ol' shack, aye."

   "Improvements indeed." Quint said once again sounding sour. "Not by my choice I might add."

   "Lady Folk tend to have that effect." Tramis murmured. "She must be an interesting creature to have taste like that, it looks like a..."

   "A bally flippin', blasted, bloody, livid castle!" Budstock summarized crossing his paws and nodding in certain satisfaction. "Say sah does Redwall compete with the said castle house plopped down there?" Tramis nodded slowly twirling his whiskers.

   "I'd have to say it does. Not much can compete with Redwall though, you'd understand if you'd seen it before. Still Quint, I must say you are certainly living in style. The way Seaflipper went on about us living in a little shack by the sea I expected considerably less. But I can't say I'm disappointed, simply that my expectations were highly exceeded."

   "Yes, yes it's very nice. And for future reference I was living in a tiny shack on the shore only a few seasons ago."

   "'Ow did ye make so many impermo-"

   "Never you mind, all will be explained eventually I suppose. Now more walking and less talking, our dinner grows cold."

   "Can't have that, imagine a cold dinner wot. Not the ticket a chap wants on his first day visiting after a few endless days o' cold dinners eh." They continued on in relative silence after that. Their legs had been well stretched, and the travelers were itching for a good meal before a long nights rest. Tramis kept his eyes roving across the massive stone house. It looked as Budstock had said, like a small castle. Equipped with a beautiful garden, three towers, and an enormous front door. Some hidden worry scratched at Tramis' subconscious as they approached. For only a single family and a few servants the house was far too large. The high windows and battlemented roof made it look more like a fortress then a home. Not only that but most of the lower windows looked more like arrow slits. Paths leading up to the house were also large and seemed well trodden as if many beasts walked them often. The most concerning feature was the lack of anybeast other than themselves. Even the seabirds kept their distance from the great house.

   Pushing those concerns to the back of his mind Tramis stepped out to keep up with his companions. It didn't matter that Quint had a large forbidding home. What mattered was that he, Captain Tramis Barkthorn had been invited by his good friend lord Quint. Yet troubling thoughts refusd to die making him wonder where his friend acquired the necessary materials to build such a place, and how did he put it together without a virtual army?

   Reaching the front patio Quint and his guests ascended a short flight of stone steps coming to a halt in front of the double doors. Lifting a paw Quint pushed them open in an overly extravagant way. All three of his guests held their breath as if something important was about to happen. Beyond a light squeak of the hinges nothing dramatic did occur except the appearance of a second mouse.

   Clad in a black coat and white stockings he was clearly a butler, his hooded eyebrows and tight thin jaw gave him the look of seriousness, as if he was always scowling in displeasure.

   "Ah Jarm please collect some clean garments for galloper Budstock. Some of the clothes we had prepared last week should fit him reasonably well. After he's changed please escort him to the dining hall. Thank you." Quint motioned for Seaflipper and Tramis to follow him. "We can go sit down, I can smell dinner is ready and it smells quite good doesn't it?" He sounded nervous, as if unsure of what he was saying, and was simply rambling.

   "I c'n sniff out somethin'." Seaflipper grunted sticking his nose in the air. "An' it ain't nice, even tho' yon food be try'n ter block it out. Me nose ne'er lies. Ye got weasels livin' in 'ere no?"

   "No!" Quint said quickly. "That is simply the peafowl, they have similar scents."

   "What is a peafowl?" Tramis asked sniffing the air as well. His own nose could pick up nothing other than the delicious scent of warm food. He didn't doubt Seaflipper's large snout, but he was wary of fully believing it. The otter insisted he smelled like a fresh rose while anybeast near him would claim they could smell only salt and fish.

   "A big bird from the east. They uh, well never mind. They try to get inside sometimes, they're supposed to stay in the garden."

   "I didn' see no pea-frowns when we were a'landlubbin' out there."

   "They stay up in the trees during the evening, but they were rather obvious, how did you not see- Ah who cares. Enough about the blasted peafowl lets go eat. I'm starving." Quint said sounding exasperated and scared. Shrugging the sea otter and hare followed the mouse across the foyer. Budstock and Jarm broke off going off up a flight of stairs. The young hare winked at them as they separated.

   "Save some of the scoff for me chaps. I'm just as bloody as hungry as you blokes, ya' know." Tramis waved a paw in acknowledgement watching as Jarm guided Budstock out of sight.

   "He's a good chap that Buddy. Don't know what I'd do without him. He practically keeps me alive."

   "How so?" Quint asked looking confused. "You're a very capable beast if I remember correctly. Able to take care of yourself in tight situations and such."

   "I suppose..." Tramis dragged. Sensing the conversation was steering into dangerous waters he changed the subject quickly. "That is quite a fancy rug, where did you get it?" He motioned towards a large Persian rug that covered a portion of the foyer floor.

   "I don't kno- I mean I got it from the King of Southsward when I was visiting up there. A nice young fellow. Gave it as a gift. Anyway our meal is still waiting. Personally I'm surprised it's taken so much prompting to convince a hare to come eat."

   "No more need for prompting." Tramis declared rubbing his paws together. "Let's go scoff chaps." Quint once again looking smug led the way into his dining hall. Sure enough a large meal had been laid out across a massive oak table. Three chairs had been set close together at the far end of the table. Two more mice in red uniforms waited by the head chair paws clasped behind their backs. Tramis looked curiously at the seating arrangements before remembering that Budstock hadn't be expected. He opened his mouth to mention this to Quint, but the mouse was well ahead of him.

   "Fetch three more chairs." He ordered taking a seat to the right of the table's head. The two uniformed mice nodded silently and disappeared into a side room. They returned a few moments later with the requested seating slipping them into place. Both otter and hare hesitated unsure what to do until Quint motioned for them to sit. Tramis took a chair next to Quint while Seaflipper sat across from them. The otter, brusque as ever was first to voice the two's confusion.

   "'Ey Quinty, ain't ye gonna sit at th' 'ead. This bein' yer big 'ouse an' all."

   Shaking his head Quint held up his glass allowing one of the uniformed mice to fill it. "No Captain Seaflipper, that seat shall be filled momentarily."

   "Your wife takes the head of the table?" Tramis asked scratching behind his ear. "Where is she, I'd like to meet her, and your daughter too."

   "They will not be dining with us tonight. The chair is for another."

   "Who?" Seaflipper snapped, "Look 'ere matey somethin' real odd be 'appenin' in these waters. Yer pea-frowns, an' that empty chair fer none, an' ya big 'ouse all a sudden. I know ye be funny, but this ain't funny no more. So ye better squeak up."

   "Can I get you a drink sir?" Seaflipper glanced around at the servant who had come up behind him. The otter frowned and then nodded holding up his glass.

   "Aye, uh got'cha any grog?" Using the momentary distraction to not answer Seaflipper the mouse host turned towards Tramis while loading his plate with a wide assortment of food.

   "I trust your journey was relatively comfortable?" The hare looked up from his plate, large portions of exotic fruit salad and steaming pie already half gone.

   "Yes it was fine as sailing on a small fishing boat could be. But you didn't answer Seaflipper, he was wondering, as am I what exactly is going on here." Quint frowned and turned back to Seaflipper.

   "Have your recent catches been profitable my friend?" The otter drained his glass of seaweed grog and glared furiously at the mouse.

   "Wot are ye tryin' to 'ide matey? Yer avoidin'!"

   "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." Quint said starting to sound angry. "Now would you stop trying to interrogate me and taste some of that lobster?"

   "So you do know what we're talking about." Tramis interjected between mouthfuls of cream tart. "We want answers to all the strange things we've been seeing and hearing. And if we don't get them we'll..." He trailed off not sure what they would do if they didn't get answers. Everybeast was rescued from the tension by the timely arrival of Budstock who trotted into the room looking hungry. Dressed in a canvas outfit of olive drab he crossed the hall in a few seconds.

   "I say chaps look at them vittles. Stand aside now ol' Buddy the Hungry is in a scoffin' mood wot." The galloper sat down next to Seaflipper and began loading his plate to the breaking point. Not noticing the awkward silence that hung between the other three beasts he chomped down on an unknown plant commenting on it while holding up his glass. "Mm crunchy, and chewy. An interesting combination, slightly sour though. Wot's this brown crumbly stuff?"

   "That would be sugar sir." One of the uniformed mice answered filling Budstock's glass. "It grows well on this island."

   "Thanks old chap. Wow its bally delicious. Captain sah you ought to try some o' this sugar. Real top hole stuff." Munching his way through two pastries Budstock finally noticed the lack of response from anybeast other than the servers. Looking up from a third helping of stew he stared hard across the table at Quint. "Wot's up with you chaps? You're all sure quiet."

   Quint rubbed his temple sighing in resignation. "I see we're not getting anywhere. So I promise your questions will be answered fully before this evening's completion. To every ounce of satisfaction possible. Simply stop pestering me until later." Both Tramis and Seaflipper nodded in a satisfied way while Budstock tilted his head in bemusement.

   "Alrighty matey. We'll leave ye be fer now." Seaflipper agreed putting down his half-finished lobster. "But once we're done, ye better give satisfacty answers right n' fast ye 'ear?"

   "He hears you Capitan Seaflipper. Unfortunately he cannot answer the questions you so desperately seek. I on the other paw, can." All three guests jerked their heads around to see who had spoken. The two uniformed mice snapped to attention. Quint stood quickly bowing towards the door. Budstock's mouth fell open and he choked on his food. Seaflipper jerked impulsively making the dishes clatter. Tramis could only look on in total shock as a tall, muscular ferret strode though a pair of double doors, a smug smile planted on his face.

[Blaggut]

I read a good chunk of it, will read more later. Here's my three cents:

Could use more commas. I love commas. Read your story out loud in a story reading voice and your character dialogue in your character voice, and just stuff a comma anywhere there might be a natural pause. When unsure, PUT MORE COMMAS! You can never have too many commas.

Also, last names are hard to think up, but avoid last names that are made from words. "Barkthorn", "Seaflipper" etc don't sound like real names. There are good name generators across the interwebs, or you could just use Smith.

The story seems quite well written and the dialogue is good. It has gained l'Legion du Honor.

[LT Sandpaw]

Thanks Bonaparte, your insight is  highly appreciated. I will certainly go over my work and fill in some natural pauses. Thing is I keep thinking I'm jamming in too many commas in some places, and not enough in others. Are there any places you could specify that require a comma?

As for character names I guess its really preference. When coming up with them I just shoved two words together to make a name. Seeing as its a Redwall fic they work as their supposed too. And I really liked the way Barkthorn sounds, not to mention it fits with Tramis. Seaflipper is his first name, and is a bit of an inside joke. Seaflipper doesn't have a last name, at least not one he tells everybeast. So while I'll note the naming problem I'm afraid there will be no changes on the current or future characters.

[Ashleg]

I really like what I've read so far, but I'll read more later.

[Blaggut]

"Here buddy come on out" for example.

Though Brian does use a lot of those last names, they are mostly used for vermin, and he later abondened them. 'Sickear' and the like.

[Skyblade]

I have to agree about the commas. You don't necessarily need more of them; it's just that some of the sentences are run-ons and fragments, and commas can help fix that

Here's what I mean. Comments in blue.

Spoiler

Behind him a second, much older hare, sat up with his long ears twitching eagerly. Here I've added a comma and an extra word to fix the sentence fragment.

Dressed in a red officers? uniform of the Salamandastron Long Patrol, Captain Tramis Barkthorn looked a true mountain hare. This is excellent sentence structure, but the comma is needed to make sure it's not a fragment.

From his polished buttons and slick brown fur to his shined boots and bright yellow eyes. This is a fragment, I'm afraid. You would have to add a comma after that and a complete phrase to fix it.
Example: From his polished buttons and slick brown fur to his shined boots and bright yellow eyes, he looked ready for adventure. (But put something less cheesy than that )

[close]

This explanation would be clearer if I went into detail using terminology such as "clauses" and "comma splices", but I doubt you'd want to hear such a lecture Really, grammar is something that might take a bit of studying. I've self-taught myself by preparing for the Grammar portion of the SAT, which is picky to say the least Hey, I got a perfect score on the SAT Writing section, so I don't think I'm half bad at this.

But that having been said, I've read the whole thing, and I like it. Writers, what is it about them that impresses me again and again?

The title, firstly, is an interesting one.

I was a bit confused at the beginning - it took a moment to pinpoint which beast had which name. But after that, it really picked up. The mouse, Quint, was an intriguing character from the word go and only grew more and more cryptic as the story went by. I'm planning to read the next installment when you have it; this story is rather fascinating.

In conclusion, I'm sorry to say the grammar does suffer a bit. Overall, however, well done. Keep writing.

[LT Sandpaw]

Well Sky I want to thank you for that in-depth review, you have certainly pinpointed my weakness. I basically ignore grammar in my first draft, I tend to get to focused on the story itself and then comb over it for grammar reasons later.

Problem is I miss a lot, so your help is most appreciated.

I actually considered removing all the nick names and sticking with the original call signs, but I just really wanted a character named Buddy, but it wasn't Redwall enough. I was also hoping they had enough of a voice difference that three characters would be identifiable by voice alone, and the use of nick names wouldn't mess things up. I guess I failed in that regard. I'll work on it though.

Thank you again. I'll get around to finishing up chapter two sometime.

[Skyblade]

Well, I got the names after I reread it very quickly. I think if you just reword it a bit, it'll turn out okay. Buddy is a great name, by the way

Don't get me wrong - it's a good story and I'm interested to see how it goes.

[The Skarzs]

This is a very intriguing story, Sandpaw! Can't wait to read more of this in the future. I'm still curious where the title of this comes in, of course.

In response to Bonaparte, there can be too many commas, actually.

Like the others have said, there are some grammatical errors, fragments, and awkward sentences, but I won't beat a dead horse. What I can say in [hopefully] constructive criticism are the following:
When the hares were referring to the badger lord, the term "Lordship" seems to be overused. I can see Buddy using the word, but a Captain in the Long Patrol of Tramis' caliber would likely have more respect for his leader, and at least call him by his full title when he first talks of him.   

"Buddy, if I remember correctly you practically begged to go. I wasn't going to take nobeast at first, but you just had to come. Lord Rawnblade practically had to convince me to take you. I told him, and you it wasn't going to be much fun, just an invite to visit my friend's home."

You also used the word "Practically" twice there, and another word in similar frequency that I can't find now. Just be careful not to overuse words; thesauruses are useful.

The other thing I want to note is that you put dialogue tags in the paragraph above where the said character was talking.

"You don't say Buddy, where away?" Tramis asked pulling himself to his footpaws. The youth, whose proper name was Budstock Smithens focused for a moment on the evening sun before replying.

   "Well South an' west sah, we're heading straight toward the jolly old it-is-land. Say Cap'n, you think that's the island we've been looking for?" A sea otter, far older than both hares and bearing many tattoos grinned from his place at the tiller, flashing his numerous gold teeth.

   "Bless ye 'eart Buddy sure enough there she lies. What I tell ye, ol' Seaflipper can always find wot he's lookin' for. . ."

This is the most easily recognizable example. Right after Budstock speaks, it describes the sea otter, and I was confused. Was that the sea otter saying that? No. . . He was saying the dialogue after that paragraph. It is important to label the dialogue as it is said.

"You don't say Buddy, where away?" Tramis asked pulling himself to his footpaws.

   The youth, whose proper name was Budstock Smithens focused for a moment on the evening sun before replying. "Well South an' west sah, we're heading straight toward the jolly old it-is-land. Say Cap'n, you think that's the island we've been looking for?"

   "Bless ye 'eart Buddy sure enough there she lies." A sea otter, far older than both hares and bearing many tattoos grinned from his place at the tiller, flashing his numerous gold teeth. "What I tell ye, ol' Seaflipper can always find wot he's lookin' for.

Not only is it now easier to discern who is talking, you have a chance to have some variety in the dialogue tags. Put the tags before, after, and in dialogue. In between dialogue is useful for long periods of talking. It can describe action and keep characters from turning into talking heads floating in empty space.
On a similar flavor, there were more than one instance where you used a period instead of a comma.

"Improvements indeed." Quint said once again sounding sour.


"No," Tramis choked out coughing one last time.

The lower text is an example of good comma use in dialogue. When using said, or similar descriptions of speech, be sure to use a comma before the end quotation when a period would be used, and a lower case word starts the dialogue tag.
"Well, let's go," he said dismally.
"Oh," she said. "Do you mean it?"
"What?" the child asked.
"Hey!" they yelled in unison.


Hope I could help!

[LT Sandpaw]

It certainly does Skarzs. I will do my best to keep all this in mind before posting #2 and editing #1. You and Sky have been very helpful, and I greatly appreciate any critique given. And these posts have so much good information to use, you and Sky are being great support.

Gracious.

[Skyblade]

Thanks, Sand! I'm glad to hear it, and do keep writing!

[Captain Tammo]

Hey Sandpaw!

Can't wait to give this a read - it certainly sounds like you've put quite the story together. I'll come back and edit this post as soon as I do. Just for now, I have some midterms to study for