A Fight in Mossflower

[James Gryphon]

This is a snippet I spontaneously wrote that might (after editing) potentially go in a bigger story later. I wanted to write a fight scene, and I think I did an okay job. Let me know what you think.



A heavy fog had descended on Mossflower forest, dampening both the lush vegetation and the spirits of the ill-clad soldiers, who sat shuddering around their meager campfires, watching their leaders bicker.

"Face it, Ludge," a cunning-looking, older horde captain sneered. "He ain't alive by now. 'n ev'n if'n 'e was, who knows 'e'd be on our side? Meself, I always fancied he took more after them."

Ludger, a towering beast of a rat warlord, glowered at the speaker. "Mind who yer 'alking to, cheeseteeth! We sticks with the plan. You git that, Grimeye?"

Grimeye spat into the struggling fire. "Maybe, 'aybe not. What if I don't? It's chancey. 'e prob'ly figured he could strikes out fer himsself, cuts us out of the deal."

Ludger growled. "He's me brother and matey. He never let me down an' he ain't goin' to start now." The warlord's big claws cut into his rugged club's thick wood as he grasped it tight. "And 'ven if 'e did, I guess I can handle Deemer! You do wat yore told and leave the thinking to creatures that know what they doin'."

Grimeye laughed, a harsh, rasping sound. "Hah! It ain't like you got the brains outta the bunch, or at least that's what you tell us. From the very begin it's "Deemer this, Deemer that". From what you say Deemer be running the whole show. He ain't even here! 'course, that's nothin' new. He been using you like a slave and hidin' in that fancy tent from alla' us. What does 'e ever known about runnin' good rats? Hisself, 'e's just a overgrown liddle mousey!"

Some of the nearby vermin murmured in agreement, but they were silenced by a fierce scowl from their leader. Ludger's fur stood up straight, as he came to his feet, roused. "Ya feel yer somethin' special, do ya Grimmy? Ya think ya know a good rat; hop on up here wit' me and you can think again!" The horde ruler grabbed a shield from the ground nearby, and swung his gigantic club in front of him, experimentally.

Grimeye glared up at the burly chieftain, contempt written on his hardened features. "I 'as wit yer father, 'n he stayed clear o' me. Had some wits in him; not like his whelp!" He immediately dove to the side, dodging Ludger's club as it smashed into the dirt he was just sitting on, and rose to his paws, grinning ferally as he drew his cutlass and unwound a sling from his pouch. "'n 'e could even aim 'is strikes."

Ludger howled and charged forward to meet his challenger. Grimeye stepped cautiously away, slipping around the bigger rat's attacks, looking for an opening in his defenses. The old rat was a veteran of countless battles on land and sea; he knew of close combat and the dangers of matching strength with a greater foe. He deftly avoided Ludger's swinging club and slashed out at an open part of his side. The space was quickly covered by the iron shield, however; metal met metal with a clash. Ludger laughed wildly, and kicked out at his opponent. Grimeye dodged, but was too slow to avoid the sudden impact from his opponent's shield as the warlord rammed it hard into his skull. Stars filled Grimeye's vision; the rat struck out blindly with his loaded sling, slamming it into Ludger's unguarded jaw. Ludger grunted, briefly stunned, leaving enough time for his adversary to hop back a few steps and gain respite.

The two combatants stared at each other for a moment, panting. Then Ludger snarled and pressed the attack, all semblance of skill abandoned as he relied on his greater size and strength to bludgeon his way through his enemy's defenses. "Yer gettin' crushed, pondscum!"

Grimeye barely caught the first attack on his sword, wincing as the shocks reverberated up his paw. The duel was not going well; he felt a tinge of fear run through his spine, but he kept up a bold appearance. "ig words ter suit a big lug! Ludger the Lug, eh!" He stepped back a pace, slinging a stone at Ludger's foot. It was a distraction. As the shield went low to block the strike, Grimeye attacked, viciously swinging his cutlass towards the younger rat's throat. Ludger parried with his club, but caught a slash across his forepaw for his troubles. Grimeye leered at the open wound, then threw his whole body into a frantic push, hoping to take the larger rat unaware and use his weight against him. It was an adeptly done move. Ludger was thrown off-balance, and crashed to the ground.

An evil smile formed on the old rat's face, and he threw a stone at his prone foe. The rat chief was agile, though, and a born wrestler; he rolled across the ground, neatly avoiding the rock, and caught Grimeye with a swipe from his flailing legs. Grimeye yowled in surprise, and fell towards Ludger, struggling to aim his sword, as a powerful forelimb shot out, gripping the smaller rat's body and shoving him to the earth. Grimeye fought to get his weapon free, biting and clawing, but Ludger was merciless. He hauled himself directly on top of his dissenter and pushed both of his massive paws hard down on Grimeye's throat. The rat gurgled, his air supply being rapidly cut off. Ludger made a quick movement, and in an instant, the fight was over, life rapidly fading out of Grimeye's broken form.

Ludger slouched up from the ground, and stretched himself. "'hat fixes him. Well, rest of you rats got any other thoughts on me plan? Paws up! Hey, 'ow 'bout you there?"

The addressed rat cringed away and bowed his head. The rest of the company remained silent. The fire crackled, sparks flying up. Ludger shrugged. "That's it, then. Glad we 'ad this talk."

[Lady Ashenwyte]

Interesting premise. The fight sequence was well done, but this part didn't make sense to me.

"The warlord's big claws cut into his rugged club's thick wood as he grasped it tight. "

Slightly immersion breaking, but this short story was good and would be very good in a bigger tale.

[The Skarzs]

Interesting story; I would like to see how Ludger is able to command after having taken out an obviously shrewd and useful creature like Grimeye.

I find that phrases like "the addressed rat. . ." are sometimes too much, and are easier to read if are written as "the rat he was addressing. . .", or even, "The rat he was looking at".
That comes to the next thing I noticed: Too many descriptive words. In some cases, simplicity is better. Good descriptive writing isn't how many adjectives or adverbs you can fit in a sentence, it's how well you can describe something using your vocabulary. Instead of overusing a thesaurus, however, you can use things like comparisons to describe how tall, strong, old, or textured something is.
Here are some changed sentences for example.
"Ludger, who was a full head taller than the other rat, glowered down at him."
"The warlord's claws cut into the thick handle of his club, a gnarled old piece of hickory."

[Skyblade]

Nice! Sounds interesting. I would like to see the whole story behind this.

[Captain Tammo]

I liked the word choice you used in a few particular instances like these:

• dampening both the lush vegetation and the spirits of the ill-clad soldiers
• all semblance of skill abandoned as he relied on his greater size and strength to bludgeon his way through his enemy's defenses
• the rat chief was a born wrestler

to name a few. Not for any particular reason other than I thought they were well done and had some thought put into them, even if it didn't take you long to write it.

[James Gryphon]

Thanks for the positive feedback!

The scene is based very heavily (down to the environment and setting) on one what is possibly my favorite fight from the books, Greypatch vs. Bigfang. It differs mainly in the reversed outcome. It does vary from most duels, I guess, in that it features a shield (not a common factor in Redwall stories, especially for villains). I placed as much emphasis as I could on the physical and kinetic features of the encounter, giving brute force and athleticism its fair share.

On the characters: Ludger is meant to be simply a good rat -- not especially bright, but endowed with a fair degree of common sense and capable of recognizing something good when he sees it. Grimeye is an average rebellious horde captain. The horde itself is also lifted from Mariel, with the strong implication that it consists entirely of rats.

The big question that the story leaves, of course, is who exactly Deemer is, what his relationship is with the horde, and what he's doing if he isn't here. I have some ideas for that, but unfortunately I'm unwilling to reveal any of it at this time, as it would be a huge plot point, and I don't want to give it away in case I ever decide to sit down and actually try to write a complete fan fiction.