Post any dumb or funny jokes here. Keep them according to the rules of the forum.
Please note that I know a lot of dumb jokes ;D :P. Such as:
What do you call a Roman king when he sneezes? Sneezer.
Two muffins were sitting in a oven. The first muffin said, "Is it hot in here?" The second muffin said "Aaaaa! Talking muffin!"
If one's company, and three's a crowd, what's four and five?
Why was 6 afraid of 7? 7 8 9.
Alright, not everyone will get this, but people in cricket playing nations will.
A man's wife is in labour, but he is at the other side of the world while it's happening. He wants to know what is happening, so he decides to call up the hospital. But he punches in the wrong numbers and accidentally called a man at a cricket game! So when he asked "how is it going", imagine his surprise when the man said, "Great! Six are out already, and the last one was a duck!" ;D
@Daniel - I get it! ;D
Okay, here's a good one, here's a good one: so these two tomatoes are walking down the road, a father on the son, and the son was falling behind, so the father went back and stepped on him and said, "ketchup!"
HAHA, GET IT? KETCHUP? CATCH UP? AHAHAHAHA okay. x)
Quote from: Osu on June 25, 2011, 02:20:33 PM
@Daniel - I get it! ;D
Okay, here's a good one, here's a good one: so these two tomatoes are walking down the road, a father on the son, and the son was falling behind, so the father went back and stepped on him and said, "ketchup!"
HAHA, GET IT? KETCHUP? CATCH UP? AHAHAHAHA okay. x)
nice one :P
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Wanna ride bikes?
Quote from: Matthias720 on June 25, 2011, 05:51:02 PM
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Wanna ride bikes?
LOL that is great,
how many lawyers dose it take to Chang a light bulb:
three : one to clime the ladder, one to shake the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company
Hahaha, good ones!
Okayokayokay here's another: if athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? MISSLE TOE! BAHAHAHA!
It doesn't take much to amuse me. :I
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the light bulb has to want to change.
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
Déjà vu.
"Déjà vu, who?"
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
Déjà vu.
"Déjà vu, who?"
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
Déjà vu.
"Déjà vu, who?"
Knock Knock.
...............................
How does a jack russell terrier change a light bulb?
It inserts it as it bounces off the walls.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Who.
Who, who?
Hello Mr. Owl.
Will you remember me tomorrow? Yes.
Will you remember me in a month? Yes
Will you remember me in a year? Yes
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
You forgot me already?
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
U-nique (You sneak) up on it.
How do you catch a tame one?
The 'tame (same) way.
Knock Knock.
"Who's there?"
The cow goes.
"The cow goes, who?"
No, the cow goes "moo!". The owl goes "Hoo!"
Don't know why this joke is even a joke. Wait it's not. But it is funny when a two year old tells you.
Ding-dong.
Who's there?
Fig.
Fig who?
Fig.
Ahaha! Well in that same vein...
I had a tiny preschooler tell me this joke once!
Littlekid: Knock knock!
Osu: Who's there?
Littlekid: ORANGE! (Hysterical laughter)
It was so cute. XD
What did the clear blue box with pretty yellow stars and red dots with big friendly letters that say "Have a nice day!" on the side say to the giant, fluffy, and warm green carpet that was made in Texas?
Nothing. Clear blue boxes with pretty yellow stars and red dots with big friendly letters that say "Have a nice day!" on the side cannae talk. And, for that matter, neither can giant, fluffy, and warm green carpets. Even if they were made in Texas.
Some terrible jokes here:
What do you call a boy when he just came in? Justin!
What do you call a girl with a frog on her head? Lily.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chickens day off.
Terribly stupid joke here.
Knock Knock!
"Who's there?"
Apple.
"Apple, who?"
Apple Tree.
Quote from: Redwall Musician on June 30, 2011, 07:11:40 PM
What do you call a girl with a frog on her head? Lily.
Hahaha, I guess I have a frog on my head!
Here's one:
Q. What do you give sick lemons?
A. Lemon-aid!
And another one...
Q.Why did the tomato blush?
A.Because it saw the salad dressing!!!!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Loud interrupting cow
Loud inter-
MOOO!
I hope y'all don't mind blonde jokes. I don't want to stereotype or offend anyone, but I find blonde joke hilarious! :D
For example:
What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot!
A boy walks in to a restraunt with his pet dog. He makes a bet with the owner that if he could make his dog speek English he would get a free all you can eat lunch. He turns to his dog and asks, "What hangs above a house?"
"Roof!"
"How does sand paper feel?"
"Rough!"
"Who is the fastest runner in my class?"
"Ralph!"
The owner bans the kid for life for cheating. On the way home, the dog asks his owner, "Was it Ralph or was it Jacob?"
:D Good one!
Did you hear about the restaurant that's being built on the moon?
The food's great, but the place has no atmosphere!
Here's a story-type joke...
QuoteSo this guy walks into a juice bar on the top floor of building, says, "Get me my usual, waitress!" and downs it in one go. Then he marches over to the window, opens it, and jumps out. The other patrons in the place are horrified at first, but then, a few minutes later, the exact same guy walks back in. He orders the exact same drink as before, downs the lot, heads over to the window, and jumps out again. He comes back this time as well, repeats the performance, and after doing this a third time, the other customers stop him to see how he hasn't broken his neck or something.
The guy explains that this drink he gets has a special chemical interaction with sunlight, so when he jumps out the window, it causes the wind to have just enough resistance that it slows him down right before he hits the ground and allows him to float gently to his feet. The other customers are skeptical, but one dude thinks it's marvelous, so he orders the same drink, walks over to the window, jumps out, and ends up in the hospital with a broken leg. As she's calling 911, the waitress says, "You're pretty mean when you're bored, Superman."
......somehow, it was a lot funnier when my dad told it to me... =/
Blonde joke:
Three people were going to be executed. The first goes up, and as they are about to shot her she say, "Tornado!" Everyone runs and hides.
The next goes up and as they are about to shot her she says, "Hurricane!"And everyone runs and hides.
The blonde goes up and as they are about to shot her she says, "Fire!" and they shot her.
What did the farmer say when the chicken told him "good day?
"Well how about that, a talkin' chicken!"
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor?
And they thought that joke was a good enough joke for a joke book...
Me: Say roast three times
You: Roast, roast, roast.
Me: What goes into a toaster?
You: Toast.
Me: No! Bread!
It is more of a trick, less of a joke. Try it on someone. It works if they have not heard it before.
Ok. here goes.
Ummm...Knock knock
Who's there?
Grandma
Grandma who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Grandma
Grandma who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Grandma
GRANDMA WHO???
Knock knock
(sigh) Who is it?
It's me.
Who's me?
Aren't you glad it isn't Grandma??
OK I thought that was funny.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Imaya (say I'm a ya really fast)
I'm a ya who?
Laughter!!!!!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Whoo
Whoo who?
Please, don't get so excited, it's just a joke
Knock knock
Who's there?
Auch
Auch who?
Bless you
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!
How do you fix a short circuit? Lengthen it.
Why do bees hum? 'Cos they don't know the words.
8) ::)
I once wished someone Merry Christmas by handing them a card with this on the cover:
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
If you look carefully, you'll get the joke. ;)
Bahahaha, I can't believe I actually got that. I was just musing to myself aloud and then a lightbulb went off.
This is a little long but one of my favorite workplace jokes:
Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in Hawaii with all the money I could want." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to Hawaii.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
The project manager replied, "I want them both back in the office after lunch."
Quote from: Matthias720 on July 07, 2011, 04:21:17 PM
I once wished someone Merry Christmas by handing them a card with this on the cover:
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
If you look carefully, you'll get the joke. ;)
That's really bugging me! I DON'T GET IT! I know there is no L, but still!
Quote from: DanielofRedwall on July 08, 2011, 05:44:19 AM
Quote from: Matthias720 on July 07, 2011, 04:21:17 PM
I once wished someone Merry Christmas by handing them a card with this on the cover:
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
If you look carefully, you'll get the joke. ;)
That's really bugging me! I DON'T GET IT! I know there is no L, but still!
Yeah, no L, no el, noel. Get it? :)
NOEL!!! I GET IT!!!
Once upon a time, there were three strings. They went into a bar.
The first string went up to the counter and said to the bar tender, 'Can I have a beer?'
'No,' says the bar tender. 'We don't serve strings.'
The second string walks up and says, 'Can I have a beer?'
'No, we don't serve strings.' says the bar tender.
The third string ties himself in a knot, then frays himself under the knot. THen he goes up and says, 'Can I have a beer?'
'Are you a string?' asks the bar tender suspiciously.
'No, I'm afraid knot.'
Quote from: Tiria Wildlough on July 10, 2011, 10:55:30 AM
Once upon a time, there were three strings. They went into a bar.
The first string went up to the counter and said to the bar tender, 'Can I have a beer?'
'No,' says the bar tender. 'We don't serve strings.'
The second string walks up and says, 'Can I have a beer?'
'No, we don't serve strings.' says the bar tender.
The third string ties himself in a knot, then frays himself under the knot. THen he goes up and says, 'Can I have a beer?'
'Are you a string?' asks the bar tender suspiciously.
'No, I'm afraid knot.'
LOL! I love that joke! :D
Chuck Norris counted to infinity- twice.
Chuck Norris can speak Spanish in three different languages.
They once named a street after Chuck Norris, but they had to change it. No one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Lolololol! :D :D :D That one's good!
What did the shrew say when the math teacher said that they would be learning about Logarithmic Functions?
LOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOG!
Quote from: HeadInAnotherGalaxy on July 14, 2011, 11:46:36 PM
What did the shrew say when the math teacher said that they would be learning about Logarithmic Functions?
LOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOG!
:D Brilliant!
Here's one, involving a scientist and God:
Scientist: I think I can make my own person. Let's have a competition.
God: Alright
Scientist: OK. First I get some dirt--
God: Wait wait wait wait. You have to get your own dirt.
Quote from: HeadInAnotherGalaxy on July 14, 2011, 11:46:36 PM
What did the shrew say when the math teacher said that they would be learning about Logarithmic Functions?
LOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOGALOG!
Seconded on brilliant.
Be a bit tricky, yeah.
A man walked into a bar and said "Ow".
Did you hear about the restaurant they're building on the Moon?
The food is going to be great, but the place has no atmosphere.
Here's some weird laws:
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
California State Law
A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
New York state law
And a blonde joke:
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "Go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
:D That's a good one!
And then there's:
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?
The wedding was a disaster, but the reception was great!
Two pretzels are walking down the street. One of them was assaulted.
They've figured out how to build apartments on clouds.
The view is great, but the rent is sky-high!
Quote from: Taggerung_of_Redwall on July 21, 2011, 02:57:26 PM
Two pretzels are walking down the street. One of them was assaulted.
I was going to post this one! The version I know has nuts instead of pretzels, though.
you must never be afraid to try somthing new remember a lone amature built the ark and a large group of pros built the titanic
Quote from: Redwall Musician on July 21, 2011, 02:32:03 PM
Here's some weird laws:
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
California State Law
A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
New York state law
And a blonde joke:
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "Go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
I like the first two. But I don't really go for blonde jokes.
Why did (Insert any Redwall Villian here) cross the road?
To conquer the other side!
Quote from: Mariel on June 25, 2011, 04:28:48 AM
If one's company, and three's a crowd, what's four and five?
Do ye no mind a'tellin' me the answer tae that'n?
Quote from: Lady Amber on July 25, 2011, 03:42:39 AM
Quote from: Mariel on June 25, 2011, 04:28:48 AM
If one's company, and three's a crowd, what's four and five?
Do ye no mind a'tellin' me the answer tae that'n?
You forgot to turn
Do into
Dae, assumin' tha' yer attemptin' a Scottish/Northern accent.
Quote from: Mariel on June 25, 2011, 04:28:48 AM
If one's company, and three's a crowd, what's four and five?
It actually goes:
If two's company, and three's a crowd, what's four and five?
Nine!
Somone ah ken told me this.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor, who?
*giggles*
I still think the '76 episode was better.
Ah've only seen episodes 1 and 2 of the original. *sigh* :( :( :(
I haven't seen practically any of the original.
Only once in the entire series was a joke made off of the title "Doctor Who".
And then Matt Smith arrives, and suddenly it happens three times in half a series.
I remember hearing that joke many times before I actually watched any episodes.
I've only seen the first doctor's first episode, a whole bunch of Tom Baker episodes, then everything from the 8th Doctor's movie onwards.
Quote from: Taggerung_of_Redwall on July 26, 2011, 12:32:50 AM
I still think the '76 episode was better.
Which '76 episode?
The invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids were nothing to look at.
It might have been in '76, when someone asked the Doctor:
"Doctor, doctor who?"
"Exactly."
An out-of-character kind of joke
The firzt epizode was probably the bezt.
Sneezes always seemed to be aimed Atchoo!
Note from a parent to a teacher:
Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
This might go over your heads, but I'll post it anyway.
How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?
Quote from: Matthias720 on August 02, 2011, 02:15:52 PM
This might go over your heads, but I'll post it anyway.
How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?
Zure...make fun o' existentialists, will ye? Well :P tae ye!
Matthias: Shall I tell you an Under Construction joke?
Mattiemeo: Yeah dad, yeah!
Matthias: Sorry son but it's not been made yet.
Mattiemeo: ROFL.......I don't get it.
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a deck of cards.
Sit down; I'll deal with you later.
:D Why did the banana go to the doctor's?
'Cause he wasn't peeling well!
Geddit?! Geddit?! :D
A deer couple, a skunk, and a duck went to a restaurant for dinner. When the waiter came with the bill, the guy deer said he didn't have any doe. The girl deer said she didn't have a buck. The skunk said he didn't have a scent. So they put it on the duck's bill.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupt--
Moo!
Doctor, there's a man here who claims to be invisible.
Please tell him that I can't see him right now.
wanna hear a dirty joke? A white horse rolled in mud...
Whoohahahahooh!!!
I don't get it.... :(
Me either. Maybe I don't want to...
An indian, a china man and a canadian are in a airplane. They are about to skydive. all agreed to yell 'Juranamo [jer aw naw moe]' as they leap out
The Canadian jumps. "Juranamo!"
The China man jumps. "Juranamo!"
The Indian jumps. "Me!"
Its not a 'bad' joke...its 'dirty', what happens when a white horse rolls in mud? Its gets dirty!!
Nice...
That is just about the corniest joke I've ever heard. I like it though. Bwahahahahaha
Doctor, how's the man who swallowed the roll of quarters?
No change yet.
Some of these are really bad! :D Especially Matthias' doctor jokes.
That's kinda the point. XD
"Rrgh." Nightfire boxes his ears, sending him reeling.
"I'm not good with jokes though. So I'll let you guys post them, and then I'll laugh. Bwahahahahahahaha!"
The fastest thing in the world, by Wayne Bail
Four are talking inside a bar. They talk and talk and talk. They talk about everything and anything. One day, one of the guys suggests that he considered a jet plane to be the fastest thing in the world. The man next to him nodded in agreement but objected. "I think the fastest thing in the world is lightning." The man next to him nodded and took back his suggestion of the plane. Across from them, one more objects. "No the fastest thing is a thought." For about half an hour the 3 talk about it. But the fourth guy eventually comes and gets into the conversation.
"I think the fastest thing in the world is a bowl movement." The other 3 had questionable faces. "A bowl movement?"
"Yeah. I was in one of those jets, and it got struck by lightning and faster then i could think, i crapped my self."
ok i got one here goes
in the exam room, a patient was waiting nervously for a renowned medical specialist.
so who did you see before coming to me asked the doctor.
my family practitioner.
your GP? what a waste of time the docter said incredulously. what useless advice did he give you?
he told me to come see you
What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off.
I did number one.
Why did the girl nextdoor go outside with her purse open?
Because she was looking for some change in the weather. :P
what do u get when u mix poisen ivy and a four leaf clover................ a rash of good luck lol
why should u never iron a four leaf clover.................... u dont wanna press your luck lol
i know those r good i got them out of a joke book
^ Hahaha. Press Your Luck. All I remember is that one guy winning about $100,000 on that show in two tapings because he knew the pattern.
Why did the turkey nay crozz the road?
Becauze the chiucken beat him tae it.
What does the hare say when he meets people?
Hare do you do? ;D
Quote from: Redwall Musician on July 21, 2011, 02:32:03 PM
Here's some weird laws:
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
California State Law
A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
New York state law
weird Montana LawsIf you are being chased by five or more indians on horseback, you can consider it a war party and shoot to kill without fear of indictment
If a man trespasses on your land, you may hang him legally...
morbid, but interesting
Wrong topic, White One.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens? Because they only said "Bach Bach" ;D
Hahaha! :D^^
There was once a Chinese man, and his wife. The man would go out all day watching the ducks, and when he got back home, there would be a roast duck waiting for him, to eat. But it only had one leg. So the man asked his wife, 'Why is it that all the roast ducks only have one leg?'
'Oh,' she answered. 'All the ducks you raise only have one leg. I'll show you.'
She took him outside, to where all the ducks were sleeping on one leg. The other one was tucked underneath them.
'But that's always how they sleep.' said the man. He clapped, and the ducks woke up, and put down their other foot.
'Exactly,' replied his wife. 'But you never clap at mealtimes.'
^^Tell me if you get it. ;)
The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi. :D
Thoroughbred: I changed it an hour ago. C'mon you
Guys – catch up!
* Arabian: Who ME?? Do WHAT? I'm scared of light
Bulbs! I'm outta here!
* Quarter Horse: Put all the bulbs in a pen and
Tell me which one you want.
* Standardbred: Oh for Pete's Sake, give me the
Darn bulb and let's be done with it.
* Shetland: Give it to me. I'll kill it and we
Won't have to worry about it anymore.
* Friesian: I would, but I can't see where I'm
Going from behind all this mane.
* Belgian: Put the Shetland on my back, maybe he can
Reach it then.
* Warmblood: Is the 2nd Level Instruction Packet in English?
Doesn't anyone realize that I was sold for
$75K as a yearling, but only because my hocks are
Bad, otherwise I would be worth $100K? I am NOT
Changing light bulbs. Make the TB get back here and do it.
* Morgan: Me! Me! Me! Pleeease let me! I wanna do
It! I'm gonna do it! I know how, really I do! Just watch! I'll rewire the
Barn after, too.
* Appaloosa: Ya'll are a bunch of losers. We don't
Need to change the light bulb; I ain't scared of the dark. And someone make
That darn Morgan stop jumping up and down before I double barrel him.
* Haflinger: That thing I ate was a light bulb?
* Mustang: Light bulb? Let's go on a trail ride,
Instead. And camp. Out in the open like REAL horses.
* Lipizzaner: Hah, amateurs. I will change the light
Bulb. Not only that, but I will do it while standing on my hind legs and
Balancing it on my nose, after which I will perform seven flying lead changes
In a row and a capriole. Can you do that? Huh? Huh? Didn't think so.
* Miniature: I bet you think I can't do it just
Cause I'm small. You know what that is? It's sizeism!
* Akhal Te ke: I will only change it if it's my
Owner's light bulb and no one else has ever touched it.
* Andalusian: I will delegate the changing of the
Light bulb to my personal
Groom after he finishes shampooing my mane and
Cleaning my saddle, but only
On the condition that it is changed for a soft blue
Or pink bulb, which
Reflects better off my coat while I exhibit my
Astonishing gaits.
* Cleveland Bay: I'm busy. Make the whipper-in and
The hounds do it.
* Saddlebred: My ears are up already, please, please
Get the &#/~..# light bulb away from me! I'm ready to show, really, I
Promise I'll win!
* Paint: Put all the light bulbs in a pen, tell me
Which one you want, and my owner will bet you twenty bucks I can get it
Before the quarter horse.
* POA: I'm not changing it. I'm the one who kicked
The old one and broke it in the first place, remember?
Now, excuse me, I have a grain room to break into.
* Grade Horse: Guys? Um, guys? I hope you don't
Mind, but I went ahead and
Changed it while you were all arguing
A blond was speeding down the highway a blond cop poled her over and said
"Can i have your drivers license"
the driver looks through her purse "What does it look like?"
The cop "you dummy it's small and has a picture of you"
Driver looks though her purse again and pulls out a mirror and looks at it then hands it to the cop.
the blond cop looks at it for a time then hands it back to the lady
"you're good to go if i had known you were a cop this would have been taken care of a while ago
i'm a blond but i love blond jokes hahahhhahah :D LOL.
What'z the difference between a pig and a human?
One's often fat, lasy, likez trufflez, an' the other iz a pig!
Weird. I love mime jokes, so here's a few to lighten up your day. Unfortunately, some of them are violent. I think the person that wrote them had a bad mime experience in the past. But, I find them humorous:
Q: If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would it make a sound?
Q: When you shoot a mime, do you have to use a silencer?
Q: When a mime gets arrested, do the police bother telling him he has the right to remain silent?
What is a mime????? ???
Someone who wears black and white clothing, and they never, ever, EVER make a sound. Not even a cough or grunt. I don't like mimes. They're creepy:
(http://www.mezzacotta.net/getalong/images/mime.jpg)
Wow, that's creepy. :o It's the kind of thing that would make me afraid to turn my back in bed. :(
Hence the mime jokes. ;D
where did Tammelo and Pasque go after they were wed???On their bunnymoon of course wot!
What does a girl shark nick-name her boyfriend?
Sweet Tooth!
What's a duck's favorite Christmas song?
"Duck the halls with bells of holly!"
What's a kitten's favorite fish?
A pur-anha.
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him.
"Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
Nice. Okay, here is a blonde joke, in the form of a story.
A man was out driving one day, when he hit a hare with his car. He got out and began crying over the creature's body. Then another car drives up, and a blonde woman gets out. "Why are you crying?" she asks.
"I hit this poor little creature, and now it's dead!" sobs the man.
"Oh, that's no problem!" The woman takes a can out of her purse and sprays the creature with it. Immediately, it gets up, hops a few times, then waves. It hops, then waves, hops, then waves...all the way until it is out of sight.
The man is amazed. "How did you do that??"
The blonde woman looks at the can and reads the label. "'Hair Spray. For a maximum wave.'"
Quote from: Osu on June 26, 2011, 01:54:36 AM
Hahaha, good ones!
Okayokayokay here's another: if athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? MISSLE TOE! BAHAHAHA!
It doesn't take much to amuse me. :I
I'm going through these and it does not take me a lot to get amused
These are hilarious! ;D
yes it IS
heres anothe blonde joke (o woe on my hair)
a burnette and blonde and a redhead are running form the cops.
they come to a cliff. they all have one wish before they jump off.
the redhead says i wish to land on money and she lands on money
the burnette says i wish to land on pillows and she lands on pillows
the blonde though trips over a rock and says bad stuff and falls on a pile of bad stuff!!!
Oh yeah, I have a joke like that. :D
Three men are told they can slide down the slide and wish to land in something. The first man says 'Gold!' and he lands in gold. The second man says 'Diamonds' and he lands in diamonds.
But the third man wasn't listening, and as he goes down, he says 'Wheeeeee!' Guess what he landed in? :D :D :D
XD THAT ONE WAS FUNNY
“Not enough info makes for a lot of dead cats."
"Dead cats?"
"You know, 'Curiosity killed the cat.' And I have enough curiosity to start a feline genocide."
"Feline genocide?"
"Yeah. If you don't explain Apollo, the cat kingdom will crumble. Cats all over the world will suddenly plop down in unmoving masses of fur, their food will dry up in smelly chunks of fish, and when people call, 'Here, kitty kitty kitty,' no cats will come running; they'll just-" Walter suddenly stopped.
"What's wrong?" Ashley asked.
Walter stared straight ahead. "I just realized . . . if all those things happened, no one would notice the difference."
Circles of Seven by Bryan Davis.
I love that!!! Can I turn that into my siggie? Please? Please? Please? Not the whole thing, just one part of it.
sure. It's not my work.
Some blond jokes
This blonde went to the pizza place and ordered a pizza. The pizza guy asked her if she wanted it cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Oh, six," she said. "I could never eat twelve pieces."
During her company's periodic password audit, a blond employee was found to be using this password:
GoofyHueyLouieDeweyDaisyDonaldMickeyMinniePhoenix
When she was asked why she had such a long password, she said, "The boss said that my password had to be at least eight characters long and have at least one capital."
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
Because she was trying to make up her mind.
I guess you really like that last one if you post it twice :p
Hahaha, I loved the second one! :D :D :D
it was accidental i meant to put a different one on let me see if i can find it this was the one i meant to put
What did the blonde do when she missed the 44 bus?
She took the 22 bus twice instead.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?
Because it said "concentrate."
How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
The power went out for 5 hours leaving twelve blondes stranded on their way to the second floor on the escalator.
i feel bad for my hair and self
are you a blond too do not worry i am but i still think they are funny!
Don't feel bad redwallgurl. I don't think you are dumb. :)
I know plenty of redhead and brunette jokes, too, if that makes you feel any better. And I'm a brunette! :D Don't worry, we never mean any of the blonde jokes. Here's a few redhead jokes:
Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
A: Say something.
Q: How do you get a readhead's mood to change?
A: Wait ten seconds.
Q: How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
A: There's a hammer embedded in the moniter.
Aaaand a few brunette jokes:
Q: What's a brunette that has dyed her hair?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: Why does a brunette throw water on her keyboard?
A: To surf the internet.
______________________________________________________
A Russian, an American, and a Brunette were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Brunette said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Brunette replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
hahahahaaaaaaaaaaa love the last one! but it sounds like it aught to be a blond joke here are some blond jokes
It takes forever to make a blond snowman
You have to hallow out the head.
How do you make a blonds eye glow?
Shine a flashlight through her ear.
Hah, my nose glows if I shine a flashlight into my mouth. I think that last one is really a brunette joke. :D
While waiting at a cross walk for the light to change, a blonde asked why the signal was buzzing. When she was told that it was to let blind people know when the light was red, she replied, "What in the world are blind people doing driving?"
What's an alligator's favorite drink?
Gatorade!
Nice. :D
A duck walks in a store, and purchases a chap stick.
The clerk asks him: Cash or credit, sir?
The duck: Just put it on my bill
The Alphabet
A little boy's teacher, Mrs. Brown, told him he needed to learn the first four letters of the alphabet. When school finished, he went home and asked his mum 'What's the first letter of the alphabet?'
She was cooking dinner, and she said, 'Shut up.'
The little boy went to his dad, who was in the bathroom, and asked him 'What's the second letter of the alphabet?' His dad said 'In the toilet!'
He went to his sister, who was on the phone to her boyfriend, and asked her 'What's the third letter of the alphabet?'
'Ooh yeah!' she said.
The boy went to his little brother, who was playing with his toy batman. He asked him 'What's the fourth letter of the alphabet?'
The little brother said 'Boom boom Batman!'
When the boy went to school the next day, Mrs. Brown asked him, 'What's the first letter of the alphabet?'
'Shut up!'
'Where are your manners?' she said.
'In the toilet!'
'Do you want to go to the principal's office?'
'Ooh yeah!'
'Who do you think you are?' she yelled at him.
'Boom boom Batman!'
;D ;D ;D
Life insurance premiums are based solely on how far away you live from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't have to mow the lawn; he just looks at the grass and dares it to grow.
Chuck Norris split the Union with a roundhouse kick
Chuck Norris died three years ago. Death is just too scared to tell him.
Chuck Norris used pepper spray to spice up his meals.
Chuck Norris tore the atom apart with his bare hands.
Where's Waldo? Hiding from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a watch. He decides what time it is.
XD I know a lot of those jokes.
Tiria, I loved that alphabet one!!! :D :D :D
trolol these are funneh
Quote from: Ceteruler on February 22, 2012, 01:00:15 PM
Chuck Norris doesn't have to mow the lawn; he just looks at the grass and dares it to grow.
Chuck Norris split the Union with a roundhouse kick
Chuck Norris died three years ago. Death is just too scared to tell him.
Chuck Norris used pepper spray to spice up his meals.
Chuck Norris tore the atom apart with his bare hands.
Where's Waldo? Hiding from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a watch. He decides what time it is.
XD I know a lot of those jokes.
Bahaha! I love Chuck Norris jokes.
another alphabet one
kid: can i got to the bathroom?
teacher: if you say the alphabet.
kid:abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz
teacher: wheres the "p"
kid: running down my leg
(get it?)
*facepalm* I got it, but I wish I didn't have to.
Three men walked into a bar. The fourth man ducked.
A guy compiled a book of Chuck Norris jokes, Ceteruler. Unfortunately, it's a bit mature. That said, my favorite is
Ghosts are created when Chuck Norris kills people too fast for death to process them.
Quote from: Ceteruler on March 01, 2012, 12:21:35 AM
*facepalm* I got it, but I wish I didn't have to.
Three men walked into a bar. The fourth man ducked.
love it!
person: knock knock
person 2: who's there
person: chuck norris
person 2: chuck norris who?
person: CHUCK NORRIS KILLED YOU!!!!!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris who?
Boy, you're tough. You should be running away.
Can we do blonde jokes?
sure?
yeah siure but i already posted a bunch and i forgot one
There once was a blonde a Brunette and a redhead going to get killed by the guillotine the redhead one goes "I shall die faithfully for my country!" and it stops before her neck and everyone says she was saved and they let her go. the brunette goes and says the same thing and it stops before her neck everyone says she was saved and they let her go the blond goes "You know you have a knot in the chain!"
(Gettit gettit?)
Heeheeheee ;D :D :D :D
How do you drown a blonde?
Glue a photo of a guy she has a crush on at the bottom of a pool or glue a mirror to the bottom of the pool
How do you drown a blond?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
iSick and iTired of everything by apple having an i in front of iit.
iphone XD
Two blondes are walking on the sidewalk. One blonde sees a dog. The dog has one of his eyes missing. The blonde turns to the other blonde. She says, "Look at that dog with one eye."
The second blonde covers one eye. "Where?" she asks.
Hahahahahaha, that's great! And the one with the i-whatsits. You have a point. Everything by apple always sounds so self-centered. >:(
It's just weird.
how do you drown a minecraft noob? put a T-shirt saying i porkchop minecraft in the ocean
What do a saxophonist and a lawyer have in common?
Everybody is happy when they close the case.
(I know, that's mean, but you guys are destroying blondes.)
What's black and white and red all over?
A zebra with a sunburn. :P
this is all funny
Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to re-train them.
One day a blonde decided to get a cell phone. After talking with the salesman, she finally selected a model and signed up for the service.
Over the next few days she called her friends and gave them her new number.
A few days later while shopping, her phone rang for the first time.
Surprised, she answered it. It was her best friend. Completely dumbfounded, she asked in amazement, "How did you know where to call me?"
A blonde took her car to the body shop after a large hailstorm had left her car badly dented. The busy owner didn't have time to work on her car at the moment, so he thought he would try and see if blondes really were as dumb as these jokes indicate.
"Oh, those dents are pretty small, you can get those dent out yourself by just blowing hard into the tailpipe." he said.
After going home and trying for an hour, she called over her best blonde friend Betty to see if Betty had any ideas.
After hearing about what she was doing she said "That'll never work, you need to close the windows first.
A blonde was shopping when she found a really striking stainless steel thermos. Fascinated, she picked it up examined it, and finally asked the clerk what it was.
"It's a thermos." he said. "It keeps some things hot, and other things cold."
That was all she needed to hear, and she bought the thermos.
The next day, her boss saw the thermos on her desk, as it really was rather striking.
"What's that?" her boss asked.
"It's a thermos." she said. "It keeps some things hot, and other things cold."
"What have you got in it?" her boss queried after a moment.
She happily answered, "I have hot coffee in it for a little later this morning, and really cold iced tea for this afternoon."
On a plane flight from Seattle to Chicago, a blonde was sitting in economy class. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."
After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up. She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. The co-pilot said, "Let me try." He went up to the blonde and politely tried to explain to her why she needed to return to her seat in economy class.
But the blonde only replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here." Frustrated, the co-pilot returned to the cockpit. He suggested that perhaps they should have the airline call the police and have her arrested when they land.
"Wait a minute," said the pilot. "Did you say she's blonde? I can handle this. My wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde." So he went up to the woman sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear.
"I'm sorry," said the blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class.
"What did you say to her?" ask the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot.
To which the pilot replied, "I just told her that first class isn't going to Chicago."
Why did the cat jump on the computer desk?
He wanted to catch the mouse ;D
Heeheehee.
I'm searching for a truly funny pun. I haven't found one yet. Any of you got some good ones?
That camping trip was in tents. I didn't know if I could survive the pun-ishment. :P
*facepalm* I have heard that too many times to count.
Quote from: Ceteruler on March 07, 2012, 09:37:13 PM
What do a saxophonist and a lawyer have in common?
Everybody is happy when they close the case.
(I know, that's mean, but you guys are destroying blondes.)
My dad plays the saxophone, and he's GREAT at it!!!!
Navy jet pilot: Yes we did it! We are going faster than the speed of sound!
Copilot: What!?
:D :D :D :D :D
My new favourite type of joke is the anti-joke. Some examples:
Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
Knock knock. Come in.
How do you make a clown cry? Kill its family.
How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? World War II.
What is green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
What is brown and sticky? A stick.
What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer? We're both lawyers.
Why did the boy drop his ice-cream? He was hit by a truck.
Roses are red, violets are blue, some poems rhyme, but this one doesn't.
Why did the woman yell at the bin? She was mentally unstable.
Your mother's so poor she doesn't have much money.
Your mother's so fat she should be worried about diabetes and heart problems.
Why did the bird fall out of the tree? Somebody shot it.
A horse walked in to a bar. The barman asked "Why the long face?" to which the horse replied "My wife just died of cancer".
A duck walked in to a bar. The animal rescue squad was called and the the duck was moved to a nearby pond.
What did the duck order at the restaurant? Nothing. Ducks can't talk.
What do a mole and an eagle have in common? They both live underground. Apart from the eagle.
I have more, but I think that's enough for now.
caution, floor may be Sparta when wet. ;D
why is a raven like a writing desk?
there is a b in both and a n in neither.
what happened to the third cookie?
i'll leave that for you to figure out.
Kid: Hey Mom, can I have 20 bucks?
Mom: No. What, do you think I'm made of money?
Kid: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
Q. Pete and Repeat are in a boat. Pete fell out, who was left?
A. Repeat
Q. Pete and Repeat are in a boat. Pete fell out, who was left?
A. Repeat.
See, it just goes on and on!
I actually saw this sign:
Recall Santa:
I didn't get what i wanted.
:D
Quote from: MatthiasMan on April 09, 2012, 05:02:50 PM
Kid: Hey Mom, can I have 20 bucks?
Mom: No. What, do you think I'm made of money?
Kid: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
Ahahahahahahaahahahahahahaa!!!!!
what do you call a girl with a piano on her head?
Joanna.
What do you do if life gives you lemons? (this is a joke for all portal fans that have played and beat portal 2) Hehehe. You have to give me the answer.
don't make lemonade.
(or make flammable lemons)
Well, yes I guess, but what is the other part? ;) I'll give you a hint.
*Man I'm so angry*
GET MAD!
Make grapejuice and then sit back and let life figure out how you pulled that one off?
Just throwing rocks here. :D
I've posted this in another thread, but this thread is more appropriate for it, so....
R2-D2 was the most vulgar character ever invented by George Lucas. They had to beep out every single word he said!
I don't get that...
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to your house.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken. ;D
Why did the rooster cross the road?
To show it wasn't a chicken! ;)
Q. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A. Finding half a worm in your apple!
Q. What's worse than stepping on a scorpion?
A. Stepping on a scorpion nest!
I don't know which is more awkward: Answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
lol........................i dont have any jokes just its so funny..................................................................................................
What failed to come into Noah's Ark in pears? You guys have to guess this one.
the bible never said they came in pairs, OR pears.
Dinosaurs, unicorns, dragons, pegasi. Any mythical or extinct thing.
Knock, knock
Who's there?
cash
Cash who?
No thanks, I'll take an almond though
:P Lol
A blonde listening to an ipod walked into a barber shop and was seated by the barber. He asked her to take out her earbuds so he could cut her hair, but she said, "No. If I take out my earbuds, I'll die."
The barber argued with her for several minutes, and each time she said, "No. If I take out my earbuds, I'll die." Finally, the barber convinced her to take them out. He started to cut her hair. She sat in silence for a couple of minutes, then she fell over, dead. The barber couldn't figure out what happened. He finally picked up her earbuds and put them in his ears. This is what he heard:
"Breathe in... breathe out. Breathe in... breathe out."
Quote from: Rainshadow on June 11, 2012, 04:18:59 PM
Dinosaurs, unicorns, dragons, pegasi. Any mythical or extinct thing.
Quote from: psybox on June 11, 2012, 02:22:31 PM
the bible never said they came in pairs, OR pears.
No, no.
The answer is:
WORMS! They came in APPLES!
Seen on a napkin:
Hey cutey do you want to date me?
Yes: Smile
No: Backflip
Why did the frog cross the road?
'Cause he wanted to join his flatmate. ;D ;D ;D
Customer: Waiter, I can't find any clams in my clam chowder
Waiter: Oh, and I suspect that you want to find angels in your angel food cake too!
Lol
Scene: Boy looking for phone in his house
Boy: Mom, where's my phone?
Mom: It's on the table.
Boy: *Looks on empty table* No it's not!
Mom: Do I really need to go there? *Walks in, points to phone on table*
Boy: WHAT KIND OF WITCHCRAFT IS THIS?!?!?! :o
look at the post above ::) , quickly look back down at this post. where am i? behind you!! :o
Um, so there was this mollusk, and he walks, well, he doesn't walk, he swims up to this sea cucumber. Well, you know that sea cucumbers can't talk, but in jokes, everyone can talk, so the sea cucumber says...
Finding Nemo! I love that film, it's so funny
One of the reasons I love Disney. Okay, this is the Dog Diary Vs. the Cat Diary. I have altered it a little bit so that it's more appropriate.
The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat's Diary
Day 983 of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously stupid. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...
lolz!!!
"Very Clean" Funny Pics To Do List:
1. Wear a shirt that says "Life", hand out lemons.
2. Hire two private investigators. Get them to follow one another.
3. Go into a crowded elevator & say "I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here," with a straight face.
4. Make vanilla pudding, put it in a mayo jar. Eat it in public.
5. Run into a store, ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It worked!" and run out cheering.
6. Change name to Simon. Speak in third person.
7. Follow joggers around in a car blasting "Eye of the Tiger" for encouragement.
I, Rainshadow, do solemnly swear to try and finish as many of these as I can in my lifetime. Can I get an amen?
36 Things To Do In An Elevator
1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside, and ask, "Got enough air in there?"
2. Stand silent and motionless in one corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to open the doors, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open by themselves.
4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask them all to call you Admiral.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
7. Say "DING!" at every floor.
8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
9. Make explosion noises whenever someone else pushes a button.
10. Stare grinning at another person for a while, then say, "I have new socks on."
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. Draw a little square with chalk on the floor then say to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."
14. When there's only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder then pretend it wasn't you.
15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug with the other passengers. Tell them that you will never forget them.
16. Ask if you can push the buttons for other people, but push the wrong ones.
17. Hold the doors open and say that you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi, Greg. How's your day been?"
18. Drop a pen and wait until someone bends to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. Pretend that you're a flight attendant, and review emergency exits with the other passengers.
21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
22. Yell, "Group hug!", then enforce it.
23. Make race car noises when someone gets on or off.
24. Congratulate all for being in the same lift as you.
25. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you just shup UP!"
26. Walk in with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!", then whistle innocently.
28. Let your cell phone ring--don't answer it.
29. Walk into the lift and say, "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."
30. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when others don't.
31. Ask people which floor they want, then say, "Is that your final answer?"
32. Also in your bellboy act, ask people what floor they want. Whenever they answer, give them a glare and say, "You should be ashamed of yourself!"
33. Ask loudly, "Did you feel that?"
34. Tell different people that you can see their aura.
35. When the door closes, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
36. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/181192_353765934695452_1211085280_n.jpg)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/179182_352099044862141_1154221645_n.jpg)
Quote from: Rainshadow on July 01, 2012, 12:11:44 AM
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/181192_353765934695452_1211085280_n.jpg)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/179182_352099044862141_1154221645_n.jpg)
Ummm..... Lesse.....
BATMAN!
HEY! So is mine!
My friend saw a picture on the computer that showed a guy holding a bag full of carrots.
The bag said Ingredients:carrots
Guy:You don't say
blonde joke
a blond was in the middle of a field on a paddle boat and didn't know how to use it. she was screaming for help when another blonde walked by on the side walk.
"help me!" she screamed.
"i would, but i can't swim." replied the other blonde.
Yo mama
Yo mama so ugly that when Bob the Builder got outta his truck he looked at h her and said, "I can't fix that!"
Blonde jokes(and I don't hate blondes, just find these jokes kinda funny)
A blonde was steering a helicopter. She felt cold, so she turned off the fan and died.
My favorite one:
A gingerhead, brunette, and a blonde were running from policemen. The ginger hid behind a cow, the brunette behind a horse, and the blone behind a sack of potatoes.
When the police looked at the cow, the ginger said, "moo"
When the police looked at the horse the brunette said, "neigh"
and when they looked at the sack of potatoes, the blonde said, "potato"
A joke thread, excellent! I love comedy. :D
Haha, and I'm kind of notorious around here for my jokes (most are lame, but funny lame! At least I hope :P).
Anyway, here's two for you:
Ever since my friend became a mime, I haven't heard from him...
Why are lobsters so greedy?
They're shellfish. (lol)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/166009_463834960294425_1600671790_n.jpg)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/601287_462886930389228_139533200_n.jpg)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/538090_461783743832880_1603103414_n.jpg)
Oh yeah!
Lol!
A yo momma joke for all you Harry Potter fans!
Yo momma was so fat, her patronous was a cake!
And another joke:
Three guys walk into a pet store, one buys a parrot, another buys a hen, and the last one buys a Budgerigar. They then go to a cliff, the first guy pulls out his parrot and a rifle. He jumps off the cliff and shoots the parrot, and falls to his death.
The second guy pulls out his hen, and jumps over the cliff, and falls to his death.
The third guy pulls out his budgie, and jumps over the cliff, and falls to his death.
Parrot-shooting, Hen-gliding, and Budgie-jumping
Been waiting for something like this. XD
A man has this EXTREMELY pessimistic friend. Always seeing the dark side of things, always depressed. One day the man takes his intelligent and gifted dog, and his pessimist friend duck hunting. (hello this is dawg. XD) When they're sitting in a pond in a deep section in a boat, the man downs a bird. The dog calmly trots out on top of the water, gets the bird, then walks back. This happens three more times, then when the man finally decides to head back. On the car ride home, he turns to his friend and says "Did you notice anything different about my dog?"
The pessimist replies "Yeah, he couldn't swim."
I love that one. XD
Huh?
I got a dog. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him, Come here, Stay! He went insane.
Ah! here's another one!
A rich man, a poor man, and a child are(is? Geez. :P) riding on a plane. The pilot has a heart attack, and the jet plummets down to the earth. There's two parachutes available, not enough to evac all three passengers. The rich man is a turd, so he snatches a parachute, and jumps out. The poor man says to the child "Take the other one, I'm poor, there's not much for me anyhow." The child doesn't respond for a while, then looks at the man and says "That guy took my backpack!"
BWAHAHAHAHA! I'm easily amused. XD
Quote from: W0NWILL on July 04, 2012, 01:52:33 AM
Huh?
I got a dog. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him, Come here, Stay! He went insane.
The dog could walk on water, but the pessimist saw it as a weakness for lack of swimming. It's not as funny when i explain it. XD
Quote from: W0NWILL on July 04, 2012, 01:52:33 AM
Huh?
I got a dog. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him, Come here, Stay! He went insane.
Lol! Good One!
When asked how he wanted to die, the man said, "peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in the car he was driving."
Quote from: W0NWILL on July 04, 2012, 03:48:40 AM
When asked how he wanted to die, the man said, "peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in the car he was driving."
Awesome! Haven't heard that one in forever. XD
Quote from: Skyblade on July 03, 2012, 12:53:06 PM
Blonde jokes(and I don't hate blondes, just find these jokes kinda funny)
A blonde was steering a helicopter. She felt cold, so she turned off the fan and died.
My favorite one:
A gingerhead, brunette, and a blonde were running from policemen. The ginger hid behind a cow, the brunette behind a horse, and the blone behind a sack of potatoes.
When the police looked at the cow, the ginger said, "moo"
When the police looked at the horse the brunette said, "neigh"
and when they looked at the sack of potatoes, the blonde said, "potato"
BABAHAHAHAHA! My gosh, this thread should be called "Make your day thread" or something. XD
Didja hear the one about the smart blonde?
*laughter*
"Have you heard the me neither joke?"
"No"
"Me neither"
Fear of spiders is arachnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.
Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
That's enough for now, I think.
What do you call a blonde at university? A visitor. :P
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs on the beach?
Sandy.
;D
What happens when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?
The key of a flat minor
( if you don't get it just think about it for a second )
Two Blondes are on opposite sides of the river, "How do I get to the other side?" hollered one blonde. "You are on the other side," the other one hollered back.
So this Chinese fellow walks into a bar with a huge colorful parrot on his shoulder. "Wow", says the bartender, "where did you get that from?" "From China", answered the parrot, "they've got tons of them there!"
Why did the atheist cross the road?
To save the stranded agnostic in the middle of the road.
Why did the theist cross the road?
He was told to.
See the difference? Sorry if this offends anyone.
What do you do if your house is surrounded by flesh eating zombies what do you do?
Hope it's Halloween
I know Chuck Norris jokes can get annoying, but I just love this one!
Jesus walked on water, Chuck Norris swam through land. :D
knock knock
who's there?
Ach
Ach who?
Gesundheit
Haha that second joke is awesome ;)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/539608_361713390567373_1457506534_n.jpg)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/428420_361575013914544_1832864713_n.jpg)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/600350_360576334014412_1306825972_n.jpg)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/394593_358368450901867_1189855921_n.jpg)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/527941_357857447619634_895766483_n.jpg)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/246451_355583787847000_776241579_n.jpg)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/581176_355347821203930_1979232506_n.jpg)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/538440_353292328076146_1900270556_n.jpg)
Those are great :)
Quote from: Rainshadow on July 05, 2012, 06:43:01 PM
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/539608_361713390567373_1457506534_n.jpg)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/428420_361575013914544_1832864713_n.jpg)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/600350_360576334014412_1306825972_n.jpg)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/394593_358368450901867_1189855921_n.jpg)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/527941_357857447619634_895766483_n.jpg)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/246451_355583787847000_776241579_n.jpg)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/581176_355347821203930_1979232506_n.jpg)
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/538440_353292328076146_1900270556_n.jpg)
Hey! 140 MPH is okay! Just gotta get through all that other stuff first though. :P
*Sarcastic voice* Sure. ::)
Quote from: Rainshadow on July 05, 2012, 07:00:30 PM
*Sarcastic voice* Sure. ::)
I just looked at your sig..... PIPPIN IS AWESOME! :D
How did the hobbit ruin the boxing match?
He tried to destroy the ring!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hobbit.
Hobbit who?
Hobbit letting me in?
Why did Frodo read The Lord of the Rings 50 times?
Because it was hobbit-forming!
How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game?
None -- it only takes Tolkiens!
What is Gollum's favorite bird?
A Smea-gull!
Why was it so hard to storm Sauron's lair?
Because no matter how many you opened, there were always Mor dor!
What did Frodo say when he saw the trees dancing?
"That's ENT-ertainment!"
I love the Lord of the Rings!
*Gollum clickls the dislike button*
"This is not our preciiiousssssss!"
Here's a funny riddle for ya!
You're in a room with no windows, doors or any means of escape. The room is indestructible. All that there is in the room is a mirror and a table. How do you get out?
I have heard it be4 but can't remember answer :(
MWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Let me think let me think.... >:(
I can't remember, is it by dying? Lol
No, because your body would still be stuck!
???
Let me think...
Break the mirror? Under the table?
No but you're right to be using the furniture.
I know this one!!! I just forgot what the answer was its been so long! grrr! It was genuise though... Are there any lights? Because there must be a roof if there are no means of escape... right?
Quote from: danflorreguba on July 05, 2012, 08:08:19 PM
I know this one!!! I just forgot what the answer was its been so long! grrr! It was genuise though... Are there any lights? Because there must be a roof if there are no means of escape... right?
Looks like we in the same boat lol
The lights have nothing to do with anything in this. But yes, there are lights I guess.
Im pretty sure u break the mirror at some point
Nope! And, I gotta go. So if you could hold off guessing for a while, I'd greatly appreciate it.
I know!!!!
You DON'T get out! ;D
I think you might have to break the table... nooo... Hmmm.
You do break the table, and you do get out!
Knew u break something! Cant remember what else you do though
How do you warm up a room that's been painted? (ask me why for the answer to this joke)
buy a radiator.
Nope, give it a second coat. Okay, here's another one:
How do you close an envelope under water? With a seal!
Haha that's a good one
Quote from: Rainshadow on July 05, 2012, 07:43:27 PM
Here's a funny riddle for ya!
You're in a room with no windows, doors or any means of escape. The room is indestructible. All that there is in the room is a mirror and a table. How do you get out?
I know this one! I think it has something to do with breaking the table and making a half-circle, or a saw or something
Quote from: Skyblade on July 06, 2012, 01:54:50 AM
Quote from: Rainshadow on July 05, 2012, 07:43:27 PM
Here's a funny riddle for ya!
You're in a room with no windows, doors or any means of escape. The room is indestructible. All that there is in the room is a mirror and a table. How do you get out?
I know this one! I think it has something to do with breaking the table and making a half-circle, or a saw or something
You're close!
There's got to be something weird with the room.... I forgot what it was, like it was a room of something NOT related to bedrooms and such...
I swear I know this!! Arggg!!
Can I have a hint?
You have to look in the mirror for something.
How. Do I not remember this >:(
Quote from: Rainshadow on July 06, 2012, 03:13:00 AM
You have to look in the mirror for something.
I pretty much guessed that.
Do you break the mirror with the table? :-\
Although not sure how that helps you escape
Quote from: Felldoh154 on July 06, 2012, 03:23:43 AM
Do you break the mirror with the table? :-\
Although not sure how that helps you escape
Nope!
Do you cut a hole in the table with a sharp edge of the mirror?
Nope! You don't break the mirror.
Your enjoying this too much. :D
Rain of course! :D
Does it have to do with looking into the mirror?
Yes! It does have something to do with looking into a mirror! And that is true, I am enjoying myself thoroughly.
You use the mirror and the table to build a tank and you drive through the wall :-X
Quote from: Felldoh154 on July 06, 2012, 03:50:34 AM
You use the mirror and the table to build a tank and you drive through the wall :-X
Ha ha! ;D
Is there something about the room that we don't know? Is goofy in some way?
Hey Felldoh, I need your help!
Quote from: Felldoh154 on July 06, 2012, 03:50:34 AM
You use the mirror and the table to build a tank and you drive through the wall :-X
Ah ah ah! *Tut tut* It's an invincible room! And there is nothing weird about the room.
Quote from: danflorreguba on July 06, 2012, 03:51:50 AM
Is there something about the room that we don't know? Is goofy in some way?
Hey Felldoh, I need your help!
I'm pretty sure it's me that needs your help I have no clue :)
Do you guys want to know the answer?
Do you cut the table?
Not yet we can figure this out! I know building a tank couldn't have been too far off the mark :)
Quote from: Felldoh154 on July 06, 2012, 03:55:30 AM
Quote from: danflorreguba on July 06, 2012, 03:51:50 AM
Is there something about the room that we don't know? Is goofy in some way?
Hey Felldoh, I need your help!
I'm pretty sure it's me that needs your help I have no clue :)
I need your help in YOUR topic!
Quote from: Redwallfan7 on July 06, 2012, 03:57:21 AM
Do you cut the table?
You're close! Yes, but not in a way you'd imagine!
Quote from: danflorreguba on July 06, 2012, 03:58:54 AM
Quote from: Felldoh154 on July 06, 2012, 03:55:30 AM
Quote from: danflorreguba on July 06, 2012, 03:51:50 AM
Is there something about the room that we don't know? Is goofy in some way?
Hey Felldoh, I need your help!
I'm pretty sure it's me that needs your help I have no clue :)
I need your help in YOUR topic!
Oh u mean girls vs guys?
Anyway is this the answer?
You rip the table apart with your bear hands and than shatter the mirror and then go cry uncontrollably in a corner?
Do you guys really want to know the answer? Do you give up? Do you admit you're not smarter than a fifth grader (lol I love that show)?
Nooo I got this!!!
What is it then?
Spam, what it stands for;
Something
Posing
As
Meat
It isn't really a joke, but it's funny
Quote from: Rainshadow on July 05, 2012, 07:43:27 PM
Here's a funny riddle for ya!
You're in a room with no windows, doors or any means of escape. The room is indestructible. All that there is in the room is a mirror and a table. How do you get out?
You look into the mirror and see a saw, you use the saw to cut the table, two halves make a whole, you use the hole to get out.
Ha! Had to spoil your fun by giving the answer.
Sorry about double posting.
I knew it! I knew it!
Here's a riddle for you, not sure if you've heard it though:There's a man who works in an office building with 10 floors. Every day he takes the elevator to the 7th floor then walks up the stairs the rest of the way. The elevator is not broken. Why does he do this?
p.s. if you know the answer, please don't blurt it out!
p.s.s. i have 2 hints if you get stuck
p.s.s.s. is there a thread for riddles cause if not i'll make one and we can post our riddles there
p.s.s.s.s. too many p.s.' right?
Quote from: W0NWILL on July 06, 2012, 06:05:46 AM
Sorry about double posting.
That's OK, just don't do it again. ;) ------>(http://redwallabbey.com/forum/Themes/classic/images/english-utf8/modify.gif)
Also, how about we use The Riddler (http://redwallabbey.com/forum/index.php?topic=421.0) topic for riddles in the future?
Okay, I'll post my riddles there from now on
Quote from: Skyblade on July 06, 2012, 10:16:10 AM
I knew it! I knew it!
Here's a riddle for you, not sure if you've heard it though:There's a man who works in an office building with 10 floors. Every day he takes the elevator to the 7th floor then walks up the stairs the rest of the way. The elevator is not broken. Why does he do this?
p.s. if you know the answer, please don't blurt it out!
p.s.s. i have 2 hints if you get stuck
p.s.s.s. is there a thread for riddles cause if not i'll make one and we can post our riddles there
p.s.s.s.s. too many p.s.' right?
I never heard this one :/
Quote from: W0NWILL on July 06, 2012, 06:05:46 AM
Quote from: Rainshadow on July 05, 2012, 07:43:27 PM
Here's a funny riddle for ya!
You're in a room with no windows, doors or any means of escape. The room is indestructible. All that there is in the room is a mirror and a table. How do you get out?
You look into the mirror and see a saw, you use the saw to cut the table, two halves make a whole, you use the hole to get out.
Ha! Had to spoil your fun by giving the answer.
Sorry about double posting.
Aw darn! Now I can't taunt you and annoy you because you all know the answer!
Pfft I knew the answer the whole time :P
*Sarcastic voice* Sure. Uh huh! Of course!
A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"
:-\. That's not funny...that's scary! Random truck drivers with baseball bats and knives destroying sports cars!
Yeah, but the blonde was funny. If someone's gonna ruin your new car, you may as well get a laugh out of it. ;)
. . . . :O
What's green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and if it falls out of a tree, can kill you?
- A pool table. :D
What can you eat with, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
......
A fork, a bed and a toothbrush. (HA, you thought it would be one thing didn't you?)
Haha ya I did :) I like the pool table one :D
Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little girl who was crying and they asked, "little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" and the little girl said, "an apple came down and killed my new kitty". Next they passed a little boy who was also crying. And they again asked, "little boy, little boy, why are you crying?" and the little boy said, "a lemon came down and killed my new puppy." Then they passed a blonde sitting on the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "why are you laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I tooted and the building behind me blew up!!"
Oh! So it's the "Who has the best blond joke?"
There were four people in a crashing airplane, but only 3 parachutes. There was a big-time coach, a priest, a kid, and a blond. The coach took a chute while saying, "I have a very important game to go too," and jumped out. The blond said, "I'm far to smart to go to waste," and leaped out. The priest turned to the kid and said, "You should go, you have a whole life to live," to which the child replies, "We can both go, the blond took my backpack."
P.S. Nice joke Rain :D
You too!
A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.
She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."
"What did you not understand?"
And the blonde says: "Well, at the beginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.
I soooo saw that coming! :D
Quote from: danflorreguba on July 08, 2012, 01:41:04 AM
Oh! So it's the "Who has the best blond joke?"
There were four people in a crashing airplane, but only 3 parachutes. There was a big-time coach, a priest, a kid, and a blond. The coach took a chute while saying, "I have a very important game to go too," and jumped out. The blond said, "I'm far to smart to go to waste," and leaped out. The priest turned to the kid and said, "You should go, you have a whole life to live," to which the child replies, "We can both go, the blond took my backpack."
P.S. Nice joke Rain :D
sorry, I'm kinda slow with jokes...I don't really get it but I think that the kid was saying that they could both die cause the blonde took his parachute?
the joke was supposed to be a coach, priest, blonde and boy scout. the blode took the back pack (all boy scouts have them) instead of the parachute
One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb.
They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb."
The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd.
She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?"
The blonde responded: "November?"
"Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."
So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?"
The blonde responded: "Paris?"
So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance."
The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?"
The blonde replied: "Two?"
"Give her another chance, Give her another chance." screamed the crowd.
Quote from: Griffen on July 08, 2012, 07:53:27 AM
the joke was supposed to be a coach, priest, blonde and boy scout. the blode took the back pack (all boy scouts have them) instead of the parachute
Thank you ^
I don't get Rainshadow's joke either. Excuse my stupidity
Which one don't you get?
Ok.,. That joke was just cruel. Not even the dumbest blonde I know could really miss those questions
@Feldoh: it's not for real!
@Rainshadow: Your last joke is hilarious!
What did blonde people do to deserve all these? :)
I know it's not real lol :o
ok, i have one. there are three ghosts, poop, shut up, and manners. poop gets hit with a car outside of a convenience store and manners helps him up. shut up goes inside to get some soda. the lady at the checkout asks him what his name is, and he answers "shut up". she asks again and he answers the same. she finally asks "where are your manners?" "outside picking up poop"
Quote from: rusvulthesaber on July 08, 2012, 11:16:47 PM
ok, i have one. there are three ghosts, poop, shut up, and manners. poop gets hit with a car outside of a convenience store and manners helps him up. shut up goes inside to get some soda. the lady at the checkout asks him what his name is, and he answers "shut up". she asks again and he answers the same. she finally asks "where are your manners?" "outside picking up poop"
Hahahaha ;D good one
Humph, He messed it all up! It was Trash Manners and Your a Dumbell! And they were driving a car, Trash fell out, manners was helping him up, Dumbell drives on, gets pulled over by a cop, asks for name.... Yeah.... the cop got mad at him for how the Dumbell responded, Policeman asks, "Where are your manners!?" "About five miles down, picking up Trash."
He didn't mess it up, it's just a different version of the joke.
Still good either way ;D
Aha.
If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress? Heh heh
I don't get it.
EDIT: Oh wait, I get it! Hahahaha! ;D ;D
;). Political humor ;D
Yep, I like it.
I don't care much for Politics really, but I still think its funny
Hey! That's MY joke! :D I have this thing that is called, "365 days of humor," There is a joke for every day of the year.
What's today's joke?
Can somebody please explain Rainshadow's last joke to me, please?
Which one was it?
The one where blondes were asked questions
It's saying all blondes are stupid, the blonde misses a few easy question and the crowd of blondes says "give her another chance!" than she gets 1+1 correct and the crowd of blondes thinks she got it wrong and continues shouting, "give her another chsnce!"
Oh, now I get it. Thanks.
No problem :)
What kind of room has no walls?
I don't know. What?
One that doesn't have walls obviously.
Quote from: MatthiasMan on July 09, 2012, 02:25:44 PM
One that doesn't have walls obviously.
But if there's no walls, isn't that not a room? :P
/\ I agree
Quote from: danflorreguba on July 09, 2012, 02:02:08 AM
Humph, He messed it all up! It was Trash Manners and Your a Dumbell! And they were driving a car, Trash fell out, manners was helping him up, Dumbell drives on, gets pulled over by a cop, asks for name.... Yeah.... the cop got mad at him for how the Dumbell responded, Policeman asks, "Where are your manners!?" "About five miles down, picking up Trash."
I like mine better, funnier if the manners are picking up poop, lol, but thats prolly cause i am the one who posted it XD
There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him.
The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play his game.
The lawyer fires his first question "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. The blonde then asked the lawyer "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
The lawyer's face looked extremely puzzled. He spent several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00.
The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word. The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, "Well, what is answer?"
The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.
Heh, I heard something like that.
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "You've got mail!"
Oh, how I love blonde jokes!
what did the tree say to the sky?
Hi(gh)!
A blonde goes into a computer store and asks the clerk "Where do you keep the curtains for computers?" The clerk answers with a puzzled face "Curtains for computers? You don't need curtains for computers." The blonde's eyes widen and she shakes her head as she answers "Hello!?? My computer has Windows!!"
you are quite mean to blondes *snickers in background*
Quote from: Rainshadow on July 26, 2012, 02:28:55 PM
A blonde goes into a computer store and asks the clerk "Where do you keep the curtains for computers?" The clerk answers with a puzzled face "Curtains for computers? You don't need curtains for computers." The blonde's eyes widen and she shakes her head as she answers "Hello!?? My computer has Windows!!"
Lol! Good one Rain!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the possum that it could be done.
Ha, the things we do to amuse ourselves. Most of which are not funny, with the exception of blonde jokes.
o....k.....
the emoticon walked into a bar. :)--------> BAR
the bartender says:
8)- express yourself! dont be so emotionless!
Here's one I heard in a TV show:
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of water. The bartender pulls out a shotgun and shoots just to the right of the man. The man thanks the bartender, gives him a tip, and walks out.
Why did the man thank the bartender and give him a tip?
A: He had the hiccups!
three logicians walk into a bar, the bartender asks "Do you all want a drink?" one logician said "I don't know" the next said "I don't know" the third said "Yes".
There once was a bear and a rabbit and they hated each other. The bear and rabbit then stumbled upon a magical talking tree. The tree said: "I will grant you 3 wishes a piece if you will stop fighting!"
So the bear went first. "I wish all the bears in the forest are females." And all the bears in the forest turned into females.
The rabbit said: "I wish I had a helmet." Rabbit gets the helmet and the bear looks at him funny.
The bear wishes: "I wish all the bears in the country are females." His wish was granted.
The rabbit says, "I wish I have a motorcycle." By this point the bear thinks the rabbit is the stupidest thing he's ever seen. The rabbit could wish for money and have all the motorcycles in the world.
The bear says: "I wish all the bears in the world are female." The wish is granted.
When it's the rabbit's turn to wish, he puts on his helmet, gets on his motorcycle, and says: "I wish that bear is gay."
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Two blondes lock their keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.
Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".
________________________________________________________________________________________
This blonde was driving home one day on the highway when suddenly she saw a dead rabbit. She put on her brakes and screeched to a stop. Behind her were tons of other cars. She got out of her car and began asking all the people behind her if they had a can of hairspray. One person asked her why she had stopped and why she needed hairspray. The blonde told him to come to the front of her car. So he went to the front and saw a dead rabbit laying there. The person gave her a can of hairspray. The blonde replied, "Thank you." And the guy said, "Why do you need the hairspray?" The blonde sprayed it all over the rabbit and said, "The bottle says it revives dead hairs."
Quote from: Rainshadow on August 24, 2012, 07:41:25 PM
Here's one I heard in a TV show:
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of water. The bartender pulls out a shotgun and shoots just to the right of the man. The man thanks the bartender, gives him a tip, and walks out.
Why did the man thank the bartender and give him a tip?
Why?
Simple: The man had the hiccups.
(http://www.thebookoffreak.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/lets-eat-grandma.jpg)
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/525806_357010091054546_778926677_n.jpg)
Haha, I should definitely do that to someone! Just call a random person and freak them out lol.
Quote from: Rainshadow on October 01, 2012, 04:33:47 PM
Simple: The man had the hiccups.
Well, that solves my question. Thankee
^^ Oh, I heard that one before WONWILL. Good one!
A man walked into a bar. 'Ouch!' he said.
It was an iron bar.
Quote from: Tiria Wildlough on October 14, 2012, 05:34:06 AM
A man walked into a bar. 'Ouch!' he said.
It was an iron bar.
thats funny!
A blonde and her husband are sleeping when the neighbor's dog starts barks and wakes them up. The blonde sighs, shakes her fist and says, "Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!" She runs out of the house and five minutes later she comes back with a smile on her face. The husband asks, "So, what did you do?" The blonde says, "Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbor's dog barking all night."
Lol I love blond jokes!
Funny!
Quote from: Tiria Wildlough on October 14, 2012, 05:34:06 AM
A man walked into a bar. 'Ouch!' he said.
It was an iron bar.
HAHAHAHA! :D
Quote from: Rainshadow on October 14, 2012, 02:57:07 PM
A blonde and her husband are sleeping when the neighbor's dog starts barks and wakes them up. The blonde sighs, shakes her fist and says, "Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!" She runs out of the house and five minutes later she comes back with a smile on her face. The husband asks, "So, what did you do?" The blonde says, "Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbor's dog barking all night."
WHOOHAHAHAHOO! (Hon Rosie thought that was funny... even though she's blonde furred. ;D) :D :D :D
Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.
After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."
The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."
Ih us guod ti practiz yuor spelig.
Grammer are importants too.
Ma'ke "su're 'y'o'u' ke'n yo'ur" ac'c'ent mar'ks wel'l.
Remember ,your commas? exclation and! question marks. and always? end a sentence! with a period?
Quote from: HeadInAnotherGalaxy on October 15, 2012, 07:46:09 PM
Ih us guod ti practiz yuor spelig.
Grammer are importants too.
Ma'ke "su're 'y'o'u' ke'n yo'ur" ac'c'ent mar'ks wel'l.
Remember ,your commas? exclation and! question marks. and always? end a sentence! with a period?
And
never begin a sentence with 'and'.
can i say my rated X ones
How bad are they? Lol. :D
Quote from: Rainshadow on October 15, 2012, 04:52:49 PM
Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.
After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."
The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."
Lol :D
What's hard, red, and extremely bad for your teeth?
A brick. :P
Quote from: Taggerung The Otter on October 15, 2012, 10:35:17 PM
can i say my rated X ones
Just a reminder...
Quote from: Redwall Abbey Forum Rules on June 22, 2011, 09:55:58 PM
Rules Of Conduct:
3. Do not post adult content or profanity, in any form. Redwall is enjoyed by many young readers, and we want to keep things clean for them. If you post something which we can't allow in this forum out of concern for our younger visitors, your post may be altered/removed without warning.
Girls =Time x Money
Time = Money Therefore
Girls = Money x Money or Money²
Money is the root of evil so
Girls =(√Evil)²
So in conclusion
Girls = Evil
Hey no fair!
Quote from: Taggerung The Otter on October 17, 2012, 02:40:06 AM
Girls =Time x Money
Time = Money Therefore
Girls = Money x Money or Money²
Money is the root of evil so
Girls =(?Evi)l²
So in conclusion
Girls = Evil
That's not funny, Tagg.
Exactly!
lpl
Not!
so
It was mean!
nah it was a joke...lol
Yeah... a mean one!
no a funny one
No a mean one! I'm not really mad at you just whoever made the joke!
look it up
Hehe, I love this blonde joke!
Two blondes lock their keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.
Finally the first blonde says, "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blonde replies, "Keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down."
lol
What do you call a nun who's out for a stroll?
....
A Roamin' Catholic.
I know, nun of my jokes are good....:P
The lame ones are the best though, if you ask me!
'Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing green monsters with orange spots!'
'Have you seen a psychiatrist?'
'No, just green monsters with orange spots.'
Lol!
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"
After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
They said, "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.
Finally, the blonde entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."
The people from NASA replied, "Why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"
The blonde smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"
P1: Me friend had a blood clot yezterday.
P2: That'z terrible!
P1. Not Really. He'z alwayz wanted tae be able tae tell the time.
Knock Knock
Who's there
Woo
Woo Who
Don't get excited it's just a joke ;D
Waiter, waiter, this egg is bad!
Don't blame me, I just laid the table.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frogs' legs?
No sir, I've always walked like this.
Waiter, waiter, there's a small slug on my plate.
Just a minute, sir, I'll get you a bigger one.
Quote from: Rainshadow on October 17, 2012, 04:45:47 PM
Hehe, I love this blonde joke!
Two blondes lock their keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.
Finally the first blonde says, "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blonde replies, "Keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down."
Hey!! Blonds arent stupid. (Considering I AM one)
Quote from: MatthiasMan on November 17, 2012, 10:21:11 PM
Quote from: Rainshadow on October 17, 2012, 04:45:47 PM
Hehe, I love this blonde joke!
Two blondes lock their keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.
Finally the first blonde says, "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blonde replies, "Keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down."
Hey!! Blonds arent stupid. (Considering I AM one)
Well, not all blondes are stupid. Some aren't the most bright, but I don't believe that if you're a blonde, you're immediately dumb. I just like the jokes lol. (Possibly because my sister has blonde hair and I love teasing her lol)
Hmf. Typical Rainy response. ;) Fine heres a stupid joke.
(My friend told me this. It takes place in America. :) )
A plane is crashing! George Washington, a Mexican, an Italian, and a French guy all board the plane. In order to keep the plane flying they all have to thow an item out the plane.
The French guy throws out a crepe ans says:
"Thats OK, we have too many of those in our country."
The Italian guy throws out spagetti and meat balls and says:
"Thats OK, we got too many of those in our country."
The Mexican throws out a taco and says:
"Thats OK, we got too many of those in out country."
George Washington picks up the Mexican throws him out and says
"Thats OK, we got too many of those in our country."
Lololol. ;D
Quote from: MatthiasMan on November 20, 2012, 02:17:16 AM
Hmf. Typical Rainy response. ;) Fine heres a stupid joke.
(My friend told me this. It takes place in America. :) )
A plane is crashing! George Washington, a Mexican, an Italian, and a French guy all board the plane. In order to keep the plane flying they all have to thow an item out the plane.
The French guy throws out a crepe ans says:
"Thats OK, we have too many of those in our country."
The Italian guy throws out spagetti and meat balls and says:
"Thats OK, we got too many of those in our country."
The Mexican throws out a taco and says:
"Thats OK, we got too many of those in out country."
George Washington picks up the Mexican throws him out and says
"Thats OK, we got too many of those in our country."
Lololol. ;D
Lol!!
A mother says to another, "My three year old son can say his name backwards!"
Do you know his name? Don't look if you haven't guessed
Answer
Bob
Quote from: MatthiasMan on November 20, 2012, 02:17:16 AM
Hmf. Typical Rainy response. ;) Fine heres a stupid joke.
(My friend told me this. It takes place in America. :) )
A plane is crashing! George Washington, a Mexican, an Italian, and a French guy all board the plane. In order to keep the plane flying they all have to thow an item out the plane.
The French guy throws out a crepe ans says:
"Thats OK, we have too many of those in our country."
The Italian guy throws out spagetti and meat balls and says:
"Thats OK, we got too many of those in our country."
The Mexican throws out a taco and says:
"Thats OK, we got too many of those in out country."
George Washington picks up the Mexican throws him out and says
"Thats OK, we got too many of those in our country."
Lololol. ;D
>:( That's rude!
Yeah, that is. -_-
My friend's dad wants to get her a licensce-plate cover that says, "Not all dumbs are blonde." :D
"If your last name is Count, don't ever name your son Noah."
Quote from: Felldoh154 on July 09, 2012, 02:23:03 AM
I don't care much for Politics really, but I still think its funny
btw, like your joke, but do you know what a group of babboons is called?
Ya know, like a flock of geese, pride of lions, that kind f group?
A CONGRESS of baboons
Not making this up, really. Also, owls come in groups called Parliaments.
Ya know, both governmenty things, ya geddit? Yeah, ok forget it.
Quote from: Rainshadow on July 05, 2012, 07:43:27 PM
Here's a funny riddle for ya!
You're in a room with no windows, doors or any means of escape. The room is indestructible. All that there is in the room is a mirror and a table. How do you get out?
You look in the mirror. You SAW yourself there. You take the saw and cut the table in half. Two halves make a HOLE (whole). Climb out through the hole. ;D
My friend asked me that a while ago, lol.
By the way, this reply will probably be more than ten pages ahead of the original question, so I just want to say that I did not look for answers on pages following the original question before I answered.
Quote from: Norham Waterpaw on March 07, 2013, 03:35:52 AM
Quote from: Felldoh154 on July 09, 2012, 02:23:03 AM
I don't care much for Politics really, but I still think its funny
btw, like your joke, but do you know what a group of babboons is called?
Ya know, like a flock of geese, pride of lions, that kind f group?
A CONGRESS of baboons
Not making this up, really. Also, owls come in groups called Parliaments.
;D Nice. Now here's one for ya: If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con', what's the opposite of progress?
Congress, obviously.
Lol!
Why can't George Washington drive a car?
Spoiler
CUZ HE'S DEAD
LOL!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
My sister gets all these stupid jokes that ar hilarious.
What's brown and sticky
Spoiler
A STICK
LOL :D
I've heard that one before!
I need to ask my sister where she gets these! They are so lame but awesome!
A chicken pulling a little wagon walked into the library and clucked to the rather surprised librarian, "Book-book-book!". The librarian said, "Oh, alright, well here's a book you might like," and handed him a book. The chicken left.
Half an hour later, the chicken came back and clucked out, "Book-book-book!" So the librarian gave him another book. When he didn't leave, she put a few more books in the wagon. The chicken left.
An hour later, the chicken and wagon came back again, saying, "Book-book-book and the librarian filled the wagon up with as many books as possible. By now she was very curious as to where the duck was going with all the books, so when he left she quietly followed him. He trotted along, pulling his wagon, until he came to a pond. In the middle was a frog sitting on a lily-pad. The chicken held up one book at a time, getting a new one each time the frog croakily replied, "Reddit. Reddit. Reddit."
a chicken to a duck to a chicken again?
What did the Wall-Mart worker say to the Trader Joe's worker after the Trader Joe's betrayed him?
"Trader!"
How come the chicken gave books to the frog in the first place?
Quote from: W0NWILL on March 20, 2013, 02:47:10 AM
How come the chicken gave books to the frog in the first place?
I don't know! How?
Um, that was a legitimate question.
what do you call a traveling nun
Spoiler
a roamin' catholic
Not wanting to offend anyone, but I personally don't like Religion jokes(Which means that it can be offencing to the religion concerned.). :-\
Oh ok sorry :)
What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff. :)
Quote from: Mattio on March 23, 2013, 07:01:42 PM
what do you call a traveling nun
Spoiler
a roamin' catholic
Actually a friend of mine said a similar joke and they were Catholic and it didn't offend either of us. I think it's actually pretty funny! :D
Quote from: Tiria Wildlough on March 24, 2013, 06:35:59 AM
What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff. :)
sounds like something I would say
Quote from: Romsca on March 24, 2013, 02:14:46 PM
Quote from: Mattio on March 23, 2013, 07:01:42 PM
what do you call a traveling nun
Spoiler
a roamin' catholic
Actually a friend of mine said a similar joke and they were Catholic and it didn't offend either of us. I think it's actually pretty funny! :D
Yes, but some can get offensing. this one's harmless, but be careful about what you post. :)
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
'Cause she had no arms.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Not Sally.
Geddit?
That's rude
In what way? :-[
Why did Newton fall off the swing?
Spoiler
CUZ HE'S DEAD! you really should be able to guess some of these
I have a question- how do you do those 'spoiler for hidden' things? I honestly have no idea.
185 Harry Potter characters walk into a store. The storekeeper says, "Sorry, we don't serve HP characters here" and the HP characters say "Siriusly?" (...That was a stupid joke. I can hear the crickets now.)
You do the spoiler thing by doing this with no spaces, [ spoiler ] you out what you want to hide here [/ spoiler ]
So, a guy walked into a bar... *pang* Ouch!
Two men walked into a bar. You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort.
The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."
The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."
He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."
"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"
"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?'
The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'
"Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either.
Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.' But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure."
"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."
"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?"
"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground."
Quote from: W0NWILL on March 25, 2013, 05:47:23 PM
Two men walked into a bar. You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort.
The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."
The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."
He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."
"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"
"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?'
The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'
"Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either.
Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.' But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure."
"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."
"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?"
"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground."
LOL :D :D ;D!
That would have been frustrating. :P Lol.
Quote from: Mattio on March 25, 2013, 08:46:59 AM
You do the spoiler thing by doing this with no spaces, [ spoiler ] you out what you want to hide here [/ spoiler ]
Thank you! :)
Quote from: W0NWILL on March 25, 2013, 05:47:23 PM
Two men walked into a bar. You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort.
The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."
The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."
He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."
"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"
"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?'
The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'
"Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either.
Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.' But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure."
"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."
"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?"
"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground."
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Romsca, you still haven't answered, how was my joke rude?
Making fun of handicapped people
Ohhhh, woops, never thought of it like that..... I hope I didn't offend anybody.
Quote from: W0NWILL on March 25, 2013, 05:47:23 PM
Two men walked into a bar. You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort.
The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."
The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."
He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."
"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"
"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?'
The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'
"Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either.
Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.' But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure."
"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."
"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?"
"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground."
LOL!
Quote from: Norham Waterpaw on March 24, 2013, 07:05:52 PM
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
'Cause she had no arms.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Not Sally.
Geddit?
Sorry, but I don't get it. :-\
Bob and Phil run into each other in a supermarket. They are old enemies, and Bob takes the chance to insult Phil.
"Hey Phil, you're momma's so dumb she can't read pictures!"
Phil looks at Bob strangely, "She's blind."
Bob pauses, then says, "...Oh, yeah."
They awkwardly stand together for a few moments before Phil speaks.
"And it's your momma, not you're momma."
Bob looks at Phil, confused, "You can see the words I'm speaking?"
"I eat a lot of carrots."
Quote from: W0NWILL on March 27, 2013, 12:04:16 AM
Bob and Phil run into each other in a supermarket. They are old enemies, and Bob takes the chance to insult Phil.
"Hey Phil, you're momma's so dumb she can't read pictures!"
Phil looks at Bob strangely, "She's blind."
Bob pauses, then says, "...Oh, yeah."
They awkwardly stand together for a few moments before Phil speaks.
"And it's your momma, not you're momma."
Bob looks at Phil, confused, "You can see the words I'm speaking?"
"I eat a lot of carrots."
I don't under stand the carrot part?
Carrots help with eyesight.
Quote from: W0NWILL on March 27, 2013, 12:04:16 AM
Bob and Phil run into each other in a supermarket. They are old enemies, and Bob takes the chance to insult Phil.
"Hey Phil, you're momma's so dumb she can't read pictures!"
Phil looks at Bob strangely, "She's blind."
Bob pauses, then says, "...Oh, yeah."
They awkwardly stand together for a few moments before Phil speaks.
"And it's your momma, not you're momma."
Bob looks at Phil, confused, "You can see the words I'm speaking?"
"I eat a lot of carrots."
Lol!
Moved this topic to The Cellars, as the posts here haven't been of the quality we'd like for Cavern Hole. Carry on.
Quote from: Romsca on March 24, 2013, 02:14:46 PM
Quote from: Mattio on March 23, 2013, 07:01:42 PM
what do you call a traveling nun
Spoiler
a roamin' catholic
Actually a friend of mine said a similar joke and they were Catholic and it didn't offend either of us. I think it's actually pretty funny! :D
My church's last priest always used to tell religious jokes before his speech at the staff dinners. It was pretty funny because he didn't really seem a joking sort at first. :D
Quote from: Dawnwing on March 27, 2013, 06:40:37 PM
Quote from: Romsca on March 24, 2013, 02:14:46 PM
Quote from: Mattio on March 23, 2013, 07:01:42 PM
what do you call a traveling nun
Spoiler
a roamin' catholic
Actually a friend of mine said a similar joke and they were Catholic and it didn't offend either of us. I think it's actually pretty funny! :D
My church's last priest always used to tell religious jokes before his speech at the staff dinners. It was pretty funny because he didn't really seem a joking sort at first. :D
Do you remeber any of them?
The priest at my church tells a lot of jokes
Quote from: Ungatt Trunn on March 27, 2013, 07:00:56 PM
Quote from: Dawnwing on March 27, 2013, 06:40:37 PM
Quote from: Romsca on March 24, 2013, 02:14:46 PM
Quote from: Mattio on March 23, 2013, 07:01:42 PM
what do you call a traveling nun
Spoiler
a roamin' catholic
Actually a friend of mine said a similar joke and they were Catholic and it didn't offend either of us. I think it's actually pretty funny! :D
My church's last priest always used to tell religious jokes before his speech at the staff dinners. It was pretty funny because he didn't really seem a joking sort at first. :D
Do you remeber any of them?
Nope, unfortunately; it's been over a year and I've forgotten them.
This isn't really a joke, but it's kind of funny if you think about it.
"The word 'politics' is derived from the words 'poly', meaning 'many', and 'tics', meaning 'blood-sucking parasites."
Lol, can't remember who said that. I like politic/politician jokes.
I once drew a comic about ehy english men just don't understand politics. There was a Tea Party somwere in the U.S.A, but the English men took it seriously! While everybody was bringing protest signs, he broght a picher of tea and mugs. It made my parents crack up!
He has risen?
Yeah, it tends to do that.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much a drink is. The bartender replies, "For you? No charge."
I would tell you a joke about sodium and hydrogen, but NaH.
Wheee, element jokes!
If you don't get them
He is the abbreviation for helium.
Neutrons have no electric charge.
Sodium is Na and hydrogen is H.
;D ;D ;D I like them!
#nook
I got them! Want me to tell a joke about potassium? 'K! ;)
Something a nerd should tell his girlfriend.care you made of Copper and Tellurium, because I think you're CuTe.
Or how about...
Are you full of beryllium, gold and titanium? 'Cause you are BeAuTiFull!
Or...
A nerd and his not-so-smart friend go to a restaraunt. The waiter asks what will they have to drink.
The nerds says."I'll have some H-2-O."
The waiter, understands, and writes it down.
The friend says, trying to sound smart, says."I'll have some H-2-O too!"
The waiter, confused, writes that down.
The waiter comes back, gives them their drinks, and quickly leaves.
The friend gags on the floor for a minute then dies!
Geddit?
The waiter heard from the friend, H-2-O-2, that's the formula for hydrogen peroxide, lol.
Ah, nerd jokes.
LOLOLOLOL!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D
Lol!
It's a lot funnier when drawn as a comic, it takes too long to explain, but it's still funny.
Q: What's a prisoner's favorite punctuation mark?
A: The period. It marks the end of his sentence.
Wow. ;D
185 aliens walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve aliens here" and the aliens say "Watch it buddy, we still have room for one more in our UFO."
185 aliens walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve aliens here" and the aliens say "But we're here to serve man!" (any Twilight Zone fans?)
Just one more:
185 aliens walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve aliens here" and the aliens say "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"
Nightmare at 20,000 feet? Loved it.
Three men walk into a pet store and by two budgies, a parrot, and a hen. They put them in a crate and take them to a cliff.
The first man pulls out the budgies and puts them on his shoulder. He jumps off the cliff and falls to his death.
The second man takes out the parrot and a shotgun, jumps off the cliff, shoots the parrot, and falls to his death.
The third and final man takes the hen and jumps off the cliff. He falls to his death.
Budgiejumping. Parrotchuting. Hengliding.
Quote from: KitrallStreamrippler on April 14, 2013, 02:25:44 AM
185 aliens walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve aliens here" and the aliens say "But we're here to serve man!"
Nice, that's a classic episode. So is Nightmare at 20000 feet.
Octapus: Why are you so close to the surface?
Little fish: I'm in High school now!
What starts with T, is filled with T, and ends in T.
A: a Teapot
A joke I heard: a blonde and a brunette are at a coffee shop, the blonde gets bored ans says "I'm going home, meet you there later." Half an hour later, the brunette gets home, and sees the blonde dangling from the ceiling by a rope around her waist. The brunette asks what she's doing, and the blonde says she's trying to commit suicide. The brunette replies and says that to do that, you put th rope around your neck. "I tried that, but I couldn't breath."
Quote from: rusvulthesaber on April 18, 2013, 08:49:43 PM
A joke I heard: a blonde and a hunter are at a coffee shop, the blonde gets bored ans says "I'm going home, meet you there later." Half an hour later, the brunette gets home, and sees the blonde dangling from the ceiling by a rope around her waist. The brunette asks what she's doing, and the blonde says she's trying to commit suicide. The brunette replies and says that to do that, you put th rope around your neck. "I tried that, but I couldn't breath."
I've heard this one, but the beginning was different.
Here's an anti joke to revive the thread...
A man walks into a bar. Except it was a metal bar, like a pole. So he got hurt.
One more...
Knock knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom.
I couldn't remember how to throw a boomerang, then it came back to me.
Snake 1: Are we venomous?
Snake 2: Yes. why?
Snake 1: I just bit my lip?
Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. They were almost there when they saw a sign that said: "<<Disneyland, Left<<" they started crying and drove home.
Here's one. It may seem boring at first but keep reading it gets funny ;D
A duck walks into a store and asks the storekeeper "Do you have any Grapes?" The storekeeper says "No we don't have Grapes get out we don't serve ducks!" So the duck leaves.
20 minutes later...
The same duck walks into the same store and asks the storekeeper "Do you have any Grapes?" The Storekeeper says "No we don't have any Grapes, Get out we don't serve ducks!" So the duck leaves.
20 minutes later
The same duck walks into the store and asks the storekeeper "D'ya have any Grapes?" The Storekeeper says "No we don't have any Grapes. If you come back again I will nail your feet to the floor" so the duck leaves.
20 minutes later
The same duck walks into the store and asks the storekeeper "D'ye have any nails?" and the Storekeeper says "No I don't have any nails." And the duck asks again. "Well then do you have any Grapes?" ;D
*slaps forehead* ::)
What is big, green, and fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you.
A pool table!
How many ears did Mr Spock have?
Three ... a left ear, a right ear, and the Final Frontier. ::)
*slaps forehead* ::)
Hey, don't blame me. The topic doesn't say "Good Jokes". ;)
Quote from: Buzz_Bumble on April 25, 2013, 03:31:56 AM
How many ears did Mr Spock have?
Three ... a left ear, a right ear, and the Final Frontier. ::)
No, no, no! It's:
How many ears did Davy Crocket have?
Three: A left ear, A right ear, and a Wild Front ear!
I was going to post that one too, although using Daniel Boone, or Billy the Kid, or Col. Custer, or ... :)
What big and hairy and seen running through North American forests?
Well, it certainly ain't gonna be "Bigfoot" that's for certain. ;)
*slaps forehead again* *Beep! Beep! Forehead damage critical! Skull breach imminent!* ;D
Did you know that about 8 days ago (from May 16) was Star Wars day?
May the fourth be with you!
Knock, knock ...
Q:How much dirt is in a 3 by 3 by 3 hole?
A: None, its a hole!
Quote from: KitrallStreamrippler on May 17, 2013, 01:41:23 AM
Quote from: Buzz_Bumble on May 16, 2013, 07:32:53 AM
Knock, knock ...
*cautiously* Who's there?
{silence}
You took too long to answer the door, and they've gone away again.
;)
Knock knock...
Who's there?
You took too long to answer the door, and they've gone away again who?
No. Don't. We will not touch on that joke here. Please.
will you remember me in Ten minutes? Ten weeks? Ten years?
knock knock!
Who's there?
YOU'VE FORGOTTEN ME ALREADY???
Quote from: Norham Waterpaw on May 19, 2013, 12:31:19 AM
will you remember me in Ten minutes? Ten weeks? Ten years?
knock knock!
Who's there?
YOU'VE FORGOTTEN ME ALREADY???
Lol!
Quote from: KitrallStreamrippler on May 19, 2013, 12:08:32 AM
Quote from: Mask on May 18, 2013, 10:48:37 PM
Quote from: KitrallStreamrippler on May 18, 2013, 07:29:18 PM
Quote from: Mask on May 18, 2013, 07:25:39 PM
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock...
(This might not be what you think it is, Won. It came out of a children's joke book, just so you know.)
Who's there?
Quote from: KitrallStreamrippler on May 19, 2013, 12:08:32 AM
Quote from: Mask on May 18, 2013, 10:48:37 PM
Quote from: KitrallStreamrippler on May 18, 2013, 07:29:18 PM
Quote from: Mask on May 18, 2013, 07:25:39 PM
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock...
(This might not be what you think it is, Won. It came out of a children's joke book, just so you know.)
I think Wonwill was thinking more along the lines of that joke going on for flipping ever.
Fixed it! ;D
Made a topic for it!
Quote from: psybox on May 18, 2013, 07:28:32 PM
You took too long to answer the door, and they've gone away again who?
Ummm ... I think you missed the joke. The point was that it takes so long for someone to "answer" the door on the internet that the visitor has gone away again.
Vhen iz ze zky green, an ze grazz blue?
Vhen ye are upzide down.
Quote from: Redwaller on May 19, 2013, 01:07:22 PM
Quote from: KitrallStreamrippler on May 19, 2013, 12:08:32 AM
Quote from: Mask on May 18, 2013, 10:48:37 PM
Quote from: KitrallStreamrippler on May 18, 2013, 07:29:18 PM
Quote from: Mask on May 18, 2013, 07:25:39 PM
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock...
(This might not be what you think it is, Won. It came out of a children's joke book, just so you know.)
Who's there?
Banana.
(@Rusvul: Nah, only a couple of times, I promise.)
Once there was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. Their dates all took them to the same restaurant and they took three tables in a row.
The brunette was trying to be all mushy and romantic, so she turned to her date and said, "Pass the sugar, Sugar."
The redhead, not to be outdone, said to her date, "Pass the honey, Honey."
The blonde was jealous of their romantic talents and said to her date. "Pass the pork, Pig."
;D :D
grapes in the bucket grapes in the mouths everything is good down in the south
Whats that smell
I don't smell anything
it smells like up dog
whats up dog
Nothing Much
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
You know.
You know who?
AVADA KEDAVRA! HA!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor Who?
Quote from: W0NWILL on August 25, 2013, 04:41:05 AM
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor Who?
Correct.
the rev:hey i know a song
shogg:ok
the rev:goes like this 1233346798 o bad stuff o bad stuff in the bucket in the bucket of waste bucket of grapes grapes in the mouth grapes in the mouth makes everything happy
down south
shogg:hahaha
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Vilu Daskar
Vilu Daskar who?
You asked me who was there.
An army doctor, a consulting detective, and a consulting criminal walk into a pool...
And no-one finds out what happens for a year and a half.
Quote from: W0NWILL on September 22, 2013, 05:25:22 AM
An army doctor, a consulting detective, and a consulting criminal walk into a pool...
And no-one finds out what happens for a year and a half.
hahahaha :D lol
Quote from: W0NWILL on September 22, 2013, 05:25:22 AM
An army doctor, a consulting detective, and a consulting criminal walk into a pool...
And no-one finds out what happens for a year and a half.
So very, very true! :D
i get some tests back from the doctor and he says; "oh dear, it's terrible news i'm afraid. unfortunately you've got hiv556, and you've only got 48 hours to live." my mum takes me home and she says; "don't worry son, i'll take you out tonight down the casino and we'll have the best night of your life.
so we go down to the casino and i start to pull slots... i win absolutely everything. after half an hour i'm £1,000 up, and climbing. onto black jack, first three hands i've trebled up. onto roulette and a hit lucky 7 and double up again.
the man behind the chip counter says to me; "young man, you're the luckiest man i've ever seen."
i scream back at him; "LUCKY?? YOU THINK I'M LUCKY?? I'M DEAD IN 48 HOURS I'VE GOT HIV556"
and then he says; "bloody hell you've won the raffle as well"
:)
i forget who i saw tell that joke live, but it will forever stay in my memory
I'm really pleased with myself at the moment. I just finished a jigsaw it only took my five months, on the box it said 2-4 years ;D
I don't like my hands. I always keep them at arm's length.
I used to file my nails, but then I thought, what's the point in keeping them?
I'm not sure if this belongs in the Cellars, but I don't really know, so go ahead and move it if it doesn't. Anyway, this topic is about JOKES!!! You post funny jokes here.
Rule 1. Please don't make jokes at other peoples' expenses.
Rule 2. If someone doesn't get the joke, explain it.
Rule 3. KEEP IT CLEAN!! No jokes about a) cuss words, b) other things that really shouldn't be talked about.
Rule 4. Don't post more than one joke per post. I'm sorry, but that seems dumb to me. Why not make people laugh more? Sorry if that doesn't make sense.
Rule 5. If your joke includes someone's name that you know, disguise it. That's for safety.
That's just about it! All right, here's my first joke:
Harry: This match won't light.
Larry: What's wrong with it?
Harry: I don't know! It lit before!!
Teacher: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Kid: I want to follow in my dad's footsteps and be a policeman.
Teacher: I didn't know your dad is a policeman!
Kid: He's not, he's a robber.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had so many problems!
Vot iz nae goin' tae be 'ere tomorrov until February, but iz 'ere na'?
Anzver
Me! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator! ;D
(Yes I did that one somewhere else on the forum shot me!)
LOL LOL LOL!!!! I seriously fell out of the chair!!!!!
Dumb out od season joke:
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?? (Answer way down below)
He didn't have the Guts!! Get it? No guts!
There's already a topic for this: Jokes (http://redwallabbey.com/forum/index.php?topic=123.0)
Quote from: Redwaller on December 01, 2013, 12:37:35 PM
There's already a topic for this: Jokes (http://redwallabbey.com/forum/index.php?topic=123.0)
Well, in the cellars it doesn't really matter, I doubt a mod will bother to lock or merge 'em. ;)
Um, hello? You're supposed to post a joke here??
Why was six afraid of seven??
Seven Eight Nine!!!
::) I should have seen that coming.
Two melons meet, and fall in love. One day, one melon says to the other "Let's run away together, and get married."
Then the other melon said, "Sorry I can't cantaloupe."
Please someone get this.
I GOT IT!! I think! Cantaloupe, elope! And melons!!
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
He had no BODY to go with!!!
Merged the new joke thread with the old one.
A joke I've heard in my computer classes:
Q: How do you tell an introverted programmer from an extroverted programmer?
A: An extroverted programmer looks at your shoes when he talks to you.
I don't get it :(
Why was the mushroom invited to all the parties?
Because he's a fungie! ;D
Oops, I missed the word "looks" in the punchline. Does that help?
Yeah that helps.
I was out for a walk the other day, when I saw a Justine Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree. So I took it. Never know when you could use a nail. ;D
In my house, it changed to taking the tree. We have wood burners. Its kind of a weird wood obsession.
I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier for my birthday. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
How do you drop an egg on a cement floor without breaking it?
Any way you want, cement floors are really hard to break. ;)
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Tae get tae ze ozer ztripe!
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrup- MOO!
REVIVE!!!
What did the banana say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing. Banana's don't talk.
Quote from: Cornflower MM on December 02, 2013, 12:00:50 AM
Why was six afraid of seven??
I assume it's because seven is a prime number and prime numbers can be intimidating...
Quote from: Cornflower MM on December 02, 2013, 12:00:50 AM
Seven Eight Nine!!!
Oh, it's word play.
Nae a joke, but a tongue-tvizter-
Zay "Free Frezh Fizh Flezh" foive toimez fazt! Mozt difficult!
That's easy. Until you try to say it with the Aussie accent.
Me: Say roast three times
You: Roast, roast, roast.
Me: What goes into a toaster?
You: Toast.
Me: No! Bread!
My efforts went something like this: 'Free fresh fish flesh free fref flish fleh flef flf flf fff...'
Quote from: Cornflower MM on June 11, 2014, 12:40:58 AM
Me: Say roast three times
You: Roast, roast, roast.
Me: What goes into a toaster?
You: Toast.
Me: No! Bread!
Someone pulled that on me before.
How Long Is A Chinaman
I think Head's tongue twister might have gotten me saying Chinese retroflex vowels...
Quote from: The Skarzs on June 11, 2014, 01:24:48 AM
How Long Is A Chinaman
Hmm... "A Chinaman." 9 letters? I don't know.
O.k., so this works better live, but:
Why do elephants have pink eyes?
Spoiler
So they can blend in with the cherry trees, of course.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Spoiler
Works, doesn't it?
Why do elephants have flat feet?
Spoiler
From jumping out of the cherry trees at night.
Why are pygmy shrews so short?
Spoiler
They keep going into the cherry tree groves at night.
::)
The answer to mine is: Yes.
Vron', tiz 42!
No, How Long is a Chinaman.
Roight, 42!
Quote from: The Skarzs on June 11, 2014, 01:48:40 AM
::)
The answer to mine is: Yes.
Oh. I was wondering where your question mark was...
*Said the Eye Doctor to the Child "let me see if you can see"*
What do you call a servant with blonde hair?
A GOLDEN RETRIVER!!! :o :o :D
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor who? *facepalms*
Somebody accused me of having a fake fishing rod. But I told that it was the "reel" deal.
:o :o :D
Teacher: Summarize this lesson in your own words.
Student: Dhshggsj shsvshj jdbsbsh!
Revive :D
Here is a joke with no point. For some reason, I still find it entertaining.
Someone: Ask me if I'm a tree.
Someone else: Are you a tree?
Someone: No.
And one that has a more recognizable punch line:
A person: Hey, someone said you sound like an owl.
Another person: Who?
What did the chicken say to the cow? Nothing, chickens don't talk! Harharhar!!! Hardy har! Haahaahaw!!!! Heeheeheeheehee!!!
You know people who cast out demons are really fit. They always exorcise. ;D ;D
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg!
Two fish were in a tank. One looked at the other and said, "How do you drive this thing?"
Person 1: It's after you! It's after you!
Person 2: What?
Person 1: V, W, X, Y, and Z.
Quote from: Delthion on March 28, 2015, 02:39:51 AM
You know people who cast out demons are really fit. They always exorcise. ;D ;D
Sorry to dig up an old post, but this one really got to me. :'D I have had a few experiences with demons. Scary. :P
What's worse than one sequel?
Two sequels? A prequel?
(I don't know)
Three of them. Or six of them, depending on what you are thinking of... :P
Both are correct.
What's worse than more sequels?
Less sequels?
A director in love with making sequels.
What's worse than a director in love with making sequels?
The world in love with making sequels.
Twighlight's love story.
Quote from: The Skarzs on July 17, 2015, 04:18:26 AM
A director in love with making sequels.
What's worse than a director in love with making sequels?
*Tries to think* What movie are you talking about? Madagascar? High School musical?
Quote from: The Skarzs on July 17, 2015, 04:22:26 AM
Twighlight's love story.
Did you seriously just do that? DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST DO THAT?!
*Bursts out laughing. Contains self.* Sorry... ;D ;D ;D ;D
Ooohhhh, Corn is going to kill me, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT.
Now I'm thinking of love triangle jokes.
You might want to spell it right though... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Wanna hear a love triangle joke?
Speak.
Quote from: Delthion on July 17, 2015, 04:30:55 AM
You might want to spell it right though... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
What?
Quote from: Delthion on July 17, 2015, 04:25:48 AM
*Bursts out laughing. Contains self.* Sorry... ;D ;D ;D ;D
You stay outta this. *Waves frying pan under Skar's nose* Do I even get an un sincere SORRY for bashing one of my favorite SERIES!? You-! GRAAAAAH!
Quote from: The Skarzs on July 17, 2015, 04:30:03 AM
Ooohhhh, Corn is going to kill me, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT.
THAT'S IT! *Starts chasing after with you frying pan, swinging it at your head*
Quote from: Wylder Treejumper on July 17, 2015, 04:30:47 AM
Now I'm thinking of love triangle jokes.
DON'T YOU DARE, WYLDER TREEJUMPER! ONE MORE WORD AND I COME AFTER YOU!
Quote from: Delthion on July 17, 2015, 04:30:55 AM
You might want to spell it right though... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
THEN YOU!
Skarzs it's Twilight. Not Twighlight. ;D ;D ;D ;D
Sure!
Yes.
Quote from: Delthion on July 17, 2015, 04:33:10 AM
Skarzs it's Twilight. Not Twighlight. ;D ;D ;D ;D
. . .
Oh.
And I'M SORRY CORN, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT! SOOOO WORTH IT!
I don't usually watch youtube videos on the forum. And I know next to nothing about The Hunger Games.
I've never read it either. The writing was so horrible I couldn't finish the first book. Regardless, the love triangle in the Hunger Games is probably one of the worst-executed ones in literature- if you deign to call it such.
I heard from a friend that the publishers forced the author to put that in the book...
Quote from: Wylder Treejumper on July 17, 2015, 04:36:17 AM
The Hunger Games!
*Pauses from chasing Skar* Oh boy, here we go. . . *Starts copy-pasting first link*
. . . .
. . . .
I know about this. *Resumes chasing Skar* Oh, wait a minute. Skarzs, you stay right there. *Runs after Wylder screaming bloody murder*
*Holds Corn back. Is battered by frying pan. Continues holding back rabid Corn from demolishing Wylder.* ;D ;D ;D ;D
GRAAAH! *Kicks Del* LEMME GO!
Now I'm really confused. You actually like that piece of dreck? The only thing it's good for is tinder and parodies.
I don't get how it's a joke, Wylder. :P
*Desperately tries to hold Corn back.* Skarzs, a little help?
Quote from: Wylder Treejumper on July 17, 2015, 04:48:42 AM
Now I'm really confused. You actually like that piece of dreck? The only thing it's good for is tinder and parodies.
. . . . What? *Looks over post* Oops. What, you never left out a word? I've never seen a Hunger Games book.
Quote from: Delthion on July 17, 2015, 04:49:23 AM
*Desperately tries to hold Corn back.* Skarzs, a little help?
*Tries biting Del's arm* Let! Me! GO!! *Kicks Del again* *Wriggles with all my might, kicking and hea-butting what I can*
Oh, come on. You know, if something is really bad, it's a joke? Ah, whatever. I haven't even told my favorite joke yet.
HEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!! *Is still just barely holding Corn back.*
Come on, Corny. Everyone's entitled to their own opinions. Besides, I gave you that magic frying pan!
Meh... *Collapses in a heap.*
Quote from: Wylder Treejumper on July 17, 2015, 04:51:08 AM
I haven't even told my favorite joke yet.
I'll bite. What is it?
*Starts flailing frying pan around as I head butt and kick* Delthion, I'm warning you, let me go or I'll use all the pranks I know on you!
Quote from: Wylder Treejumper on July 17, 2015, 04:53:47 AM
Come on, Corny. Everyone's entitled to their own opinions. Besides, I gave you that magic frying pan!
. . .. . Good point. But you DO know I'm really wanting to chase you right because of the love triangle thing, right?
*Del collapses* Thank you, Del! *Starts walking towards Wylder*
(And y'all do know I'm just having fun with this by now, right? Gosh, this reminds me of the times Tam and I'd do this., ;D)
Two women sat quietly ;D ;D ;D ;D
Just in case you guys need it at some point. (http://redwallabbey.com/forum/index.php?topic=7716.0)
Quote from: Wylder Treejumper on July 17, 2015, 04:56:23 AM
Two women sat quietly ;D ;D ;D ;D
...and?
Quote from: Skyblade on July 17, 2015, 04:56:45 AM
Just in case you guys need it at some point. (http://redwallabbey.com/forum/index.php?topic=7716.0)
Heh ;D
*Sighs and facepalms*
That is the joke.
You guys are not the best audience, you know. Usually that one puts the whole room in paroxysms of laughter.
I still don;t get it.
Ohhhhhhh I get it now! It's funny because women can't be quite!
How would you like to die, Wylder?
You know, I've always wondered how that would feel... ;D
Besides, if you are as slow physically as you are at getting jokes, you'd never be able to catch me.
Quote from: Mhera on July 17, 2015, 05:02:43 AM
Ohhhhhhh I get it now! It's funny because women can't be quite! ,,,....
WHO SAYS?!
Quote from: Mhera on July 17, 2015, 05:02:43 AM
.....
How would you like to die, Wylder?
My sentiments exactly.
Quote from: Wylder Treejumper on July 17, 2015, 05:04:17 AM
You know, I've always wondered how that would feel... ;D
Besides, if you are as slow physically as you are at getting jokes, you'd never be able to catch me.
Alright, I admit it. I run in fast spurts, then slow spurts. But that's only becaus etheonly runnign I did for quite some time was across the floor of a ballet studio. Now, Wylder sweetheart, you may want to run. *Sweetly smiles while inching towards you*
The Hospital (http://redwallabbey.com/forum/index.php?topic=7716.0) < --------
Well, I'm not a bad runner myself. My mile time sits at 5:34- which, really, is nothing to brag about... I'm friends with some insane runners and one of them can do the mile in 4:24- but I'd probably be significantly faster. They say a good way to run faster is to imagine you are being chased by a grizzly bear. Being chased by angry women is roughly the same, except for a couple key differences: Angry women have sharper teeth and claws than grizzly bears.
AAARRRRGGGHHHHHHH! *Tosses frying pan away and starts running*
Forget bearbaiting, I just done went womenbaiting!
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! *Is almost close enough to Wylder to leap on him*
(https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSgDPM27jybv159C47-iD7UU7raEpLdhcSswZwbnMtlykzEjXUe)
Quote from: Wylder Treejumper on July 17, 2015, 04:36:17 AM
The Hunger Games!
I like The Hunger Games saga and these videos are priceless. The first one is especially funny.
My dad and I were out grocery shopping.
My dad: I won't need a bag.
Bagger: What about this six pack (of beer)?
My dad: Nah.
Other bagger: This sixpack needs a bag. *points to torso*
Me and my dad: *facepalm*
Heh.
A friend of mine was doing skydiving school. I asked him: "How many dives do you have to land to graduate?"
He said: "All of them."
~Red Skelton.
Quote from: The Skarzs on July 18, 2015, 01:15:55 AM
Heh.
A friend of mine was doing skydiving school. I asked him: "How many dives do you have to land to graduate?"
He said: "All of them."
~Red Skelton.
Tha's funny. ;D
Quote from: Sagetip, the hare on July 18, 2015, 12:34:19 AM
My dad and I were out grocery shopping.
My dad: I won't need a bag.
Bagger: What about this six pack (of beer)?
My dad: Nah.
Other bagger: This sixpack needs a bag. *points to torso*
Me and my dad: *facepalm*
*Facepalm*
Dad jokes make me laugh for some reason.
Son: Dad, I'm ready.
Dad: Oh, Hi ready! I'm dad!
---
Dad: Son, does your face hurt? 'Cause it's killin' me!
Quote from: Wylder Treejumper on July 17, 2015, 04:56:23 AM
Two women sat quietly ;D ;D ;D ;D
Woooooow. Sexist joke is sexist. XD
My humor usually involves inanity as the primary source of giggles- stating the most obvious possible answer, and/or making constant puns.
"Wow, that was terrifying."
"Y'know what else is terrifying?"
"What?"
"Terror."
And the like.
Quote from: rusvulthesaber on July 18, 2015, 06:34:35 AM
Quote from: Wylder Treejumper on July 17, 2015, 04:56:23 AM
Two women sat quietly ;D ;D ;D ;D
Woooooow. Sexist joke is sexist. XD
My humor usually involves inanity as the primary source of giggles- stating the most obvious possible answer, and/or making constant puns.
"Wow, that was terrifying."
"Y'know what else is terrifying?"
"What?"
"Terror."
And the like.
Bahahahahaha! I think I'm too tired - But that is funny./
No, that is false. Terror is the fear of the unknown; horror is the fear of the known. You cannot be terrified of terror because you know what it is.
Quote from: The Skarzs on July 18, 2015, 07:40:45 AM
No, that is false. Terror is the fear of the unknown; horror is the fear of the known. You cannot be terrified of terror because you know what it is.
Hush. Stop being technical.
Corny dear, was that a joke? Because thinking of a world where Skarzs wasn't technical made me laugh. ;D
Puh. Jolly joke.
Quote from: Norham Waterpaw on July 18, 2015, 02:16:52 PM
Corny dear, was that a joke? Because thinking of a world where Skarzs wasn't technical made me laugh. ;D
Heehee, not on purpose! :P
:I
Quote from: The Skarzs on July 18, 2015, 07:40:45 AM
No, that is false. Terror is the fear of the unknown; horror is the fear of the known. You cannot be terrified of terror because you know what it is.
ter·ror
?ter?r/
noun
1.
extreme fear.
"people fled in terror"
synonyms: extreme fear, dread, horror, fear and trembling, fright, alarm, panic
"she screamed in terror"
hor·ror
?hôr?r/
noun
1.
an intense feeling of fear, shock, or disgust.
"children screamed in horror"
synonyms: terror, fear, fright, alarm, panic; More
While some might make that distinction, Google's (Wikipedia's?) dictionary doesn't.
Nor do their roots; terrere and horrere, meaning 'frighten' and 'tremble' respectively.
Regardless, it was just an example.
Relevant XKCD:https://xkcd.com/1010/ (https://xkcd.com/1010/)
Oh, you've read XKCD too? Coolio.
My wife asked me why I carry I gun in the house. I whisper in her ear, "Decepticons." She laughed, the the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster. It was a good time.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have some H20." The second one says, "I'll have H20 too"-- and he dies.
*H2O
Quote from: Jetthebinturong on July 24, 2015, 11:56:53 AM
*H2O
*facepalm* I have no idea how I never saw that sub tag.
How do you make a napkin dance? You put a little boogie in it.
My boss told me to have a good day...
...so I went home.
*Bump*
I wasn't ready to make the decision to buy a new mattress just yet, so I slept on it.
Lol, nice.
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him "What's the word on the street?"
Oh, that's cute.;D
At first I wanted a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
(https://i.pinimg.com/236x/da/4d/58/da4d584a0ec44d8f1db10e58c93049da--good-jokes-stupid-jokes.jpg)
ME: Hey, didja know I can ride a horse bareback?
FRIEND: Yeah, sure.
ME: I can!
FRIEND: Prove it.
ME: Okay, here, hold my shirt.
Verdsteerpre-dodge^-^
*sets a bed for Kade to dodge into*
Should I say Ebanok, or your fluff? :D
*inspects claws* The latter, if you value your life.
I'll fight the both of ye
No, you won't.
Yeh
Nope.
You mock the fluff, you get debuff. *Casts debuff on Verdauga and Ebby, lowering their stats.*
Also
What is a pirates favorite letter?
A letter that can't be read! ^-^
*climbs a tree and looks down on Kade in an exceedingly haughty manner*
Y'all is no fun
Mehe.
Quote from: Kade Rivok on October 14, 2020, 05:31:29 AM
You mock the fluff, you get debuff. *Casts debuff on Verdauga and Ebby, lowering their stats.*
Also
What is a pirates favorite letter?
Most think his favorite letter be "R", but a pirate's true love be the "C"
I've told ye that joke before, gerrouta here
Here's a joke...
Spoiler
My life...
*bang*
o.O
Ha Ha Ha.
(https://media1.tenor.com/images/bf92c212b3480735a9e4841a3ef85174/tenor.gif?itemid=3961540)
Why did the farmer yell at the grape?
Spoiler
Because it was being un-raisin-able.
Harharhar. *is still in a tree, I think*