Redwall Abbey

Hello Everyone! Before I start, I would like to thank Sagetip for the idea of this, and I hope you don't mind that I do this. Well, I would like to do this to help improve my writing and give me something to do. I will be taking request of anything, so Just throw it at me. Here is an expamle:


Nothing More

   The fog and mist slowly lifted. Two shapes were visible before, but now they could be seen in greater detail. The castle grounds were empty, blood stained with dead and rotting bodies filling each way. All that was alive were the two figures.  One was on it's knees, holding the body of the other in it's arms. A sad story had unfolded here, a terrible one at that.
"No, no!" Cried the kneeling man. His armor was ripped and battered, leaving the once bold shine behind in the remembrance of war. Blood covered his forehead where he had been cut, and the red substance flowed down the side of his chest. He had seen much in this past hour, and all of it he would like to forget.
"Why!" He cried once more. His sight was focused on the dying soldier in his arms. Hot, masses of blood were being pumped out of the sword sized hole in his lower chest. He had not long left on this earth, for his breathing was slowing and his eyelids kept drooping down.
"Come on, keep it up, you'll be f-fi-," the warriors words were cut out by his rush of tears. He could not control them. The pain and suffering of watching his brother, who he had known for the entirety of his life, die in his arms. Never would he carry out the feasts at Christmas time, or watch him and his wife grow old together. Never again would he see his newborn twins, or be an honored guest at a veteran reunion party. Oh, for never again would he speak to his brother, who had built him up to be a the great man he was.
"Don't go, please..." He bowed his head down and let the hot wet tears drain out. The dying brother, with his last amount of energy, lifted up his head with his right hand, and smiled, then laid his hand back and closed his eyes, one last time. A breath came to the older sibling, who was in utter shock. It passed through his sweaty hair and seemed to say, Go on, for I am with you. He fell on the body of his brother and started to bawl, for he knew there was nothing more he could do, nothing more to save him, nothing more to share on more moment with him. Nothing more.

That was very good, my eyes actually started watering. I have a request (if you want) maybe you could write about a bird's view when they're flying. What they see, what it's like, what they're thinking.

Sure! I did a Poem like this called As The Crow Flies in my new works thread, but ill do your request anyway. Thanks your for the comment!

Very good as always! I may make a request later.

*Applauds slowly* This is awesome, as ever@ I'll probably request something later, but not at the moment. :)

Hey cool your doing this as well, so out of curiosity I'm going to give you and Sage the same idea and see how it differs between the two of you. ;)



I would like to see a short seen where a group of travelers discover one of their group they trusted is a traitor. They have to decide what to do with him/her whether the kill them or let them go, feel free to have any number of other travelers and species.

Sure! I am finished up the bird one, and I will get to that one next!

Sorry about the wait Eul. I have testing this week, and sadly didn't finish it last week, so Ii will try to finish it up either tomorrow or Thursday.

- PoM

Cool, thank you  ;D

Sorry for the wait Eul, but here it is now!

Bird one shot

   Ah, what a wonderful day it is today. The glorious sun rising in the far out east, a crisp morning breeze flowing through my hair, and the serenity of the forest, sending out a soft, calm aura. Today is a day no one has yet to experience, but how I can tell it will be a good one. I look up to observe the vivid sky, with is clouds rolling around like ships lost in a endless sea of soft, yet light blue. Oh! An eagle! What fun he must have, being the king of the Air, Sky, and Wind. What would it be like to look at the world from above? Mystical no doubt, but I wonder...
    He must look down and observe the mighty mountains. Huge and towering are they to me, always being bothered by the icy storms, but what to him? Maybe just little cones from the ground, or small mounds of simple sugar. Could be that he has a small home inside one, and he looks upon it as a place of rest. Only the great beast could know.
    What would my forest home appear as? A simple mark it rub? A stain from the solid grass beneath my feet even! To me, every inch is just a wonderful and splendid masterpiece. The leaves, so eloquently draped in their green Clothes, or the mighty oaks, who have put on a quite fancy attire. Every shoot of grass tickles, yet is a cushion to my rested self. He won't see this though, the bird. Only a blur of green.
   Now I must wonder, what of the river? Yes, to our earthbound selves we gaze upon a roaring mass of water, spraying foam and engulfing rocks as it flows by, but what about the flying fellow? Could it be just a trickle, or a leak from a loose pipe? Who knows, he way not even care! For what business would a grand eagle like himself need at a river? Food yes, but even that is unreasonable. My guess is as good as yours.
    Now that I sit here and think, I would preferably not  like being a bird. All of the details and beauty could not be seen, nor would the feel of a refreshing morning walk. The grass could not touch my talons, nor would my feathers feel the chill of the winter snow. All I would see would be, bland. No taste, no explanation, no, adventure. What a life though, what a life.

That was amazing, Gonff! Thank you, I really liked it  ;D

Glad you did!  :D

Edit: Oh my Goodness! I accidentally included those other two poems on accident. I typed it all on my phone in notes, and I selected all and Didn't realize they were on there! So sorry!

Sorry it took me almost a month, but here is your request Sandpaw!

I DID take some ideas from Sherlock, LotR, and The Hobbit, so I would like to give them credit. Also, once I finished writing this, I realized I had been reading to much of The Outlander  :P. Anyways, I hope you all enjoy!

NOTE: This DOES co-inside the redwall universe, its just the Northland part.
Of Lies and Truths
TAGS: [DRAMA] [GRIM] [SAD] [ROMANTIC] [AU]
I added tags since this is being entered into the RAFF Contest.


   Oh, the moors. Soft was the land, and fresh was the breeze. Adventure was an aroma smelt by the trio, as their quest, which was longsome, was nearing its in. Together, they visited one last ruin to spend the night, as tomorrow they would be crowned hero's of the Rweride. They found a reasonable area of clear tile and sat down.
"Oh, this journey eh! Sticks a coople rucks in y' britches don't it?" Questioned Aross, the bard of the group.
Lazdrum piped up to his friend's comment. "Not if you're wearin' lus n's!"
"Heh, I don' think y' where laddie!"
"Same 'fer yoo!"
"Quiet y' two brawnies! Me 'ead 'urts! Ploos, we be reachin' Urindow 'morrow, so clog y' pipes! Cytrine called at the two life long brothers. Being the only female in the group was tiresome. Those two seemed to never shut up!
"Suit y' self lassie!"
With this, Aross wrapped himself up in his extra kilt and journeyed off into the land of dreams and mystery.
Lazdrum, however, was not tired at all. Really, the hefty archer was nervous. In his kilt pocket he ran his rough, worn out fingers across a beautiful ring, crafted with the finest and most precious metals. The smith had been so precise, that there was not a blemish or smudge on it. Surely, it was meant for a Queen, and a great one at that.
He had every right to be nervous. Cytrine was a beautiful young squirrel. Her long, black hair was luscious and sparkled in the moonlit night. His however, was a dark brown and scruffy, not giving even a small hint of shimmer. Cytrine's rich brown eyes lit up any dark room, even if they themselves were dark. Everytone of her face radiated great beauty, which was uncommon for the people of this land. Proposal was not easy. Two years have they traveled together, and every day they grew closer. Her brave, bold spirit had saved his left many times, and his agility and theft had saved hers as well. Now the timing was perfect. The pale moonlight shone though a broken window by which Cytrine lie, reflecting off of her hair and milky white skin. This was it. Together they would ride into Urindow as a couple, sharing together the adventures that they had witnessed. With a great heap of courage, the quick bowman got up and quietly walked to his love.
"Cytrine, may I ask you something, I must know," he whispered.
The women turned her head, shaking just a little with sweat rolling down her face."
"Yus?"
Lazdrum wiped the sweat away from her forehead. "What worries y'?"
"Oh, Notin' o' 'portance, carry on."
"Well, I just wanted to say I know. I know how you feel about the whole thing and what your preference is."
With this, Cytrine hopped up, looking up at her friend with cold, dead eyes.. "You do not know! What I did wi' them does no' define meh!"
Lazdrum stepped back from her. "Wot y' mean?"
"I mean the Dardiers! Oi dun't know 'ow you found oot' but I dun't care! Too lung have Oi carried on with y' two, questin' and slayin' just t' get recognition! Moi true self is with them!"
An expression of horror came across his face. The Dardiers where a group of top notch assassins that hunted on flesh in Rweride. The Evil which consumes each and every one of them is one not taken lightly. It transforms people from humans to killing, savage slaves. He didn't know how to feel. Lazdrum could be killed right now on the spot along with his brother. No option wad left.
Slowly, Lazdrum pulled out the silver ring. "Oi don't care, nor want t' hear wot I've done. All I wanted t' ask was, if you wanted to marry meh."
This time, Cytrine stepped back. Had she just told him her secret? If so, why did he still love her? No, this couldn't be real, no one would love her. She was a brainless killing machine in a women's body. No man would want that.
She looked back up with him, tears in her eyes.
"Yes".

After she spoke, her dagger was taken swiftly from her belt and thrusted into her chest, spewing her hot blood over her fiance. A thud could be heard as her dying body hit the stone floors of the building. Lazdrum dived down, and grabbed the women. He looked down at her. The shimmer in her hair seemed to have faded away. All of the life in her eyes was slowly leaving. The bright beauty of her skin was gone.
Tears flowed down the archer's eyes. While crying, he looked down, and saw three words move from his friend's mouth. Slowly they came, each on tugging out more and more of a precious life. As much as they hurt, she said them.
"I, Love, You."



The smell of wind seemed off today. It no longer felt sweet and lush. No, today it was stern, and cold, like a stern force. Through it though, two horses walked. The gray day had not dampened their spirits, but it had their riders. Both brothers sat, looking west to the Capitol of Rweride, Urindow. With a large sigh, Aross plodded down a small hill. Before doing the same, his brother, Lazdrum, looked back to the ruins where they had slept the night. Right outside was a small stone sticking up from the ground. Sitting right in front of it was a silver ring, crafted in the purest of ways. A smile came across the man's face. And with that, he plodded off with his brother towards their final destiny, the end goal of their trip. A solitary tear fell from his eye as his horse moved. He would always remember the good, even if it came from the bad.

wow, That was very well done top marks. It was a bit unexpected so plus for the surprise factor. Well written with the Highlander setting, all in all very well done.

Glad you liked it! I didn't want to do a cliche let them go or kill them off type scenario. It took a while but I got this idea going and well, Tedah!

A request for Sir Gonff? :) How about a story of a righteous warrior's last moments in battle before he gets killed?

Sure thing Madam Blade!

Ok, sorry it took me so long, but here it finally is. It might not be as satisfying as it was meant to be, but I hope my point is made in some fashion or another.
TAGS: [THRILLER] [AU] [SAD] [DRAMA] [GRIM]

I added tags since this is being entered into the RAFF Contest.

                                                           For If the Light   
      
   A war is not something one forgets, nor do they want to forget, for in it, character is built, for better or for worse. Death is the only smell. It reeks and fills the heart and brain of those who have the justice of good inside of them. Blood is the paint which walls and bodies bear. Screams are the equivalent of bird song to those who have the heart of a lion and the mind of a hawk. They do not fight for us, themselves, or any other. They fight to defeat evil, and let the good prevail, for it will not go away, only fade. For a light with oil, no matter how much, will always burn.
   From the wall I saw it happen. Our leader, who had led our small army of 200 against the side forces of the Fivedetey's, was hostage. All of our men were slain, except Lord Gilaphad and me. I was sorely wounded, taking two arrow shots to my right knee and one to my left shoulder. Everything had gone black when I was hit, but now I was awake, and in excruciating pain. My mouth was sealed, for if I cried out, my fate would be sealed. So, while my pain unfolded, my attention was on my Commander. How sorrowful and dead he looked. No life sprang from his eyes. No more joy was in his smile, or justice in his expression. All that was left was, well, nothing. He had no were to go, no more time left to live or anything left to live for. His decision to take on this army was a mistake, leading his men to a doom that was un-escapable. We were the meat at the Butcher's hands. But now, with a sword pointed to his neck, the great Captain and Leader was just a simple hostage, only good for information.
"Tell us of the plans which the Royal House Navy possesses Oh Great "Gilaphad"," sneared a voice which sounded like a loon.
A dark, solitary mumble came from the broken mouse. "Rylit, I swore to nev-"
"Oh yes, you swore this, and you swore that, I know, I know, but either you tell me, or I take your life!"
Upon saying this, the enthusiastic general yelled, creating an echo in the small outer area of the fort's grounds.
"Take it then. My duty is my duty."
"Fine with me! Any last words, Oh Mighty General?"
Gilaphad looked up into his enemy's soulless, dark eyes with his own.
"The Light which stands for all good and right in this world will never go out. The Darkness which consumes you Rylit, is evil and cunning, tearing away at your soul. It will go out. All Darkness is, is the absence of Light; and when that Light shines, all of the Darkness will wither away. Just. Like. You."

Hot blood sprayed on the crazed fox as the thump of a body and sword falling to the ground sounded. His eyes looked down at his victim. He pulled his sword out of the Valiant Man's neck and licked the sticky substance off.
"Ok men, head to Sertuyn! We will out breach the walls, just like this dump." And with that, he walked out of the small Fort's walls and down the gravel path, still shaken by what his foe had uttered to him.

Many years later, the battle plans and war logic found in General Gilaphad's notes where used, and the great Fivedetey was defeated. Today, a statue of him is set at the remains of the Fort. A small plaque under it reads: Darkness is the Absence of Light, and no matter how much oil, the Light will always burn.

That was.... amazing. I'm speechless.

Thank you very much DAB! I hope it wasn't cheesy.

Quote from: Dibbun Against Bedtime on April 29, 2015, 08:37:41 PM
That was.... amazing. I'm speechless.

This ^

No, it wasn't cheesy at all. I liked it very much. You have a brilliant grip on the English language, Gonff. Hone the gift you have.

Thank you not only for this, but also for all the things you have taught me - though possibly inadvertently.

I am glad you enjoyed it! Never did I intend to teach anyone anything, but if you say that I have, then what ever I did I hope I did well.

Sorry for the DP, but Cap'n asked me while back to right him a poem about the forest, and I made two real quick for him, so here they are!

Why must I?

Confined am I, in this era,
Where we love our inventions,
And expel adventure and freedom.
Why must I watch?
A world full of life and beauty,
Ripped from its core by us,
Its guardians.
Why must I stay?
It pulls me,
Rushing exploration up my roots,
Just as we did with toxins to them.
Why must I conform?
The World dreads it,
Peace and simplicity,
Yet it is the pact of our world.
Why must I hide?
If it calls,
Then I will answer,
As if my childhood friend has returned.
Why must I go on?
For it is not about "the People",
We swore to protect it,
And now, our duty calls.

A Home

The sweet smell,
Caused by its own workers.
Shades of green,
Pour down like a rain of dreams.
The wind,
Rustling the age old branches
Oh, the trees,
Each a bone in the skeleton if it all.
Bright is the sky,
Not any gem could match its beauty.
Pure is all,
So simple, yet wholesome.
For the more I see,
A more of a home the forest seems.

Revive

I totally forgot about this thread, but I am free for any more requests!

Wow, That poem was amazing! Great job! I'll give you another request later tonight  ;D!

Thank you very much Cap'n! I will be awaiting your request!

Alright, How about a story of an adventurer/warrior fighting off a large group of enemies?

Sure thing! Do you want it to be a sort of epic, or more of a one shot? Oh, and what if there was a twist like it is not your average fighter?

As for the epic or one shot, What ever you think will fit best! I love the idea of a twist!  ;D

Here it is! Hope it all makes sense. Probably what you  didn't have in mind, but the idea sounded  cool when I made it. Enjoy!

There's Always One Watching



Wretched were the men,
Who camped at my base,
Blood soaked were the weapons,
And bodies controlled by Evil's Face,

Crimes they had committed,
Against humans and the Law,
They take it as a joke,
Laughing when the victim falls.

"Hungry," one complained,
"Tired!" yelled another,
But the leader pitched tents,
And made them sleep with no Supper.

When all was dark,
And not a criminal stirred,
I made move,
Whispering seamlessly though the dark.

Down I cut the fruit,
Hanging on bushes and branch,
Spoke I to the bugs,
Making the men cramp, scratch and itch.

Finally, for my last trick,
I called to my friends.
And with many large grunts,
Winter began.

The wicked men,
Awoken to a froze,
Sat starved, stung, and cold,
With no way to go.

None saw the dusk that day,
Their evil put to rest.
For they thought no eyes were watching,
But they neglected the Ent.

Ooh, very nice! I like that concept too :) Great poem, Gonff.

Thank you very much Sky! I had such fun writing this, so sorry if it turned out wrong Cap'n!

*Hides in Hobbit Hole*

*Knocks on Hobbit Hole door* *Peeks inside*
That was absolutely amazing Gonff! I can't get over it! It was even better then what I expected! The twist was fantastic, I've always loved the Ents  ;D. It was fabulous, absolutely fabulous! Amazing job once again Sir Gonff!  :)

Absolutely! So stop hiding and be proud of your work! You've got talent...and if you think otherwise, you're misled and being a fool.

@Roc: What you said Cap'n made literal tears come to my eyes. I'm just glad I got one thing right for a change. Glad you liked it.

@Sky: I know I shoudl be proud of it, but whenever I get attention/get told something of mine is good, I always think they are lying, even if they honestly mean it. Its something I try so hard to stop. Fool of a Took I am then. Thanks Sky. ;)

@PoM: One thing right for a change? You are putting your self down! Your a great person Gonff, And I'm glad to have you as a friend.   ;)

Could you write a story about a rat and a badger fighting, with both of them dying in the end?

Wow I love the ent poem, Gonff!

@Ash: Sure thing! Sounds like an interesting topic!

@Tammo: Thank you very much Tammo! Means a whole lot!

Here you go Ash! I know its not the best with probably a few errors, but I hope I get my point across. I kinda depressed myself with the ending. Anywho, enjoy!



        In the Hands of Another


"You know it's always musty in the Swamp. Bugs and Bogs was what Ma always said, and was she right. Even at my age now I still don't know why she loved the place. All I ever saw was piles of rotting trees and mud pits which no beast should go near. Ah well, at least tomorrow I get to see the old ant tomorrow! She's going to be surprised!"
Rentar Shuzere gazed up at his accomplice for the time being. The small heron gave him an awkward look, turning his head when the Badger had finished talking.
"Skwaaaah!" yelled the bird as it flew off. A large sigh left the large beast. Hopefully that would not be the reaction his mother had when he told her the news: Him and Madame Syull's daughter were engaged! Madame Syull was not the best of friends with Lily Shuzere. Hopefully, that didn't affect their children's love. Oh how great it felt! Both had known each other since youth, and decided to go to Salamandastorn's schooling/training when they reached the proper age. Now, both in their final year, were about to become one and start a family! What more could his mother ask!
The sun was walking down the blue hill on which it lay as Rentar hiked through the Bog filled Marsh. He looked up at the Sky, watching it change colors from baby blue to the soft, warm pink.
"Never really enjoyed those Sunsets. Every beast in a bird's reach would go on and on 'bout them, while I just liked the sun normal and such. Wot so grand about them anyway?"
"They are pretty y' ken."
Rentar turned around fast at the sound of the voice. What he saw was an old slinky rat, out fitted in nothing but old rags, a blue bandana (Which was patched up in the back with a different color fabric, which means it's probably two smaller shrew ones sewed together), and a rusty, broken sword in his left paw, for he had a stub on the other.
"W-wha-, who are you?"
"Me names Bolgarg, wanderer o' these here parts. Na, wot be a big ol' Badger like yurslef doin' yonderin' so far away from that big ol' mountain ey?"
"I've come to visit me- You know, I shouldn't tell ya. You aren't the type I should be trusting."
"Oh come on mate, I ain't gon 'urt yah," said Bolgarg as he walked closer towards the Badger with his sword drawn. Rentar had his hand ready on his war axe.
"Back away. Just keep on, I want nothing to do with you."
"Fine matey, I didn't want notin' t' do with you either." The rat walked right on past Rentar. He looked back at the rat once he had moved, and continued on his way. While taking a deep breath of relief, he felt a stinging pain in his right thigh. He looked down and saw a dart dripping with green goo protruding from his leg. Upon pulling it out, his vision became blurry and his balance was beginning to be thrown off. To add to his, Bolgarg ran up, and jumped on the badgers back, sinking his teeth into the black and white fur.
"Ah! Get off me!" He shook his body, letting the rat fly to the earth. In an attempt to grab his axe, Rentar's vision shifted for the worse, as he saw multiple axe's spinning in the air. A sharp pain was felt in right leg as the rat hit it with his sword, collapsing the Badger to his knees. Rentar had a sensory over load, as he was half-blind by both the drug and blood wrath, pain from both the dart and the sword, and the surprise from the rat.
"Heh, never knew it s' east t' take down a Badger eh?"
The Badger gazed up at his opponent. His nimble body have an awful feeling in the Badger's stomach. Was this how he was going to go? What about his Mum, and his fiancé? No, he can't die here!
As Bolgarg brought down his sword, Rentar grabbed his axe and met it in mid air, throwing the rat off balance. At once, the badger got up, still in a sickening state, and kicked the rat in the side, breaking a few ribs. Cries of pain escaped the rat upon impact.
"Don't 'urt me! Please! Ii got a loife!"
All Rentar could do was smirk. He set his axe down and picked up the helpless beast, turning around to the nearest bog. It was hard to see in the now early night, but he knew exactly what to do. In a matter of seconds, Rentar threw him with all of his might into the swamp, watching the steaming mud devour Bolgarg. More screams left him as he sank deeper and deeper. At the moment his head went under, a small reed popped up from the goo, and shot one last dart at his foe. It whistled through the air, eventually landing in the Badger's chest. The world seemed to stop when the young beast felt the pain once more. He again went dizzy, and was hit hard with hallucinations. Finally, he could no longer keep himself up and fell to the ground, out cold.

Hours later he awoke. He felt a warm substance around his body, encasing him. The smell was musty and foul, making him scrunch his nose. His senses came to when he felt a pain in his heart every time it beat. Rentar took a good look around. He was half way sunken into the bog! His arms were stuck, his legs were stuck, for the only thing above ground was his head. He quickly drew the conclusion that he had tumbled in while drunk.
"Help! Some beast help me! I'm stuck!" he cried, but to no avail. The Badger let out another cry this time, but for pain, as the mud seeped into his leg wounds and was pressing against the dart stuck deep in his chest. Oh the pain! It seared so bad, he might pass out again just from that. He had to get out. The only thing he could do was try to move his arms out. In doing that, it only sunk him deeper and deeper. The young man started to bawl like a child. He would never tell nor see his mother again, nor his girlfriend. He would never have kids and visit his Mum on holidays. He could never accomplish anything ever again, for he was already dead.

When the sun rose high that morning, creating a wonderful dawn, there was nothing to be seen of either the rat or badger. Fate had bestowed their lives in each other's hands, one for no loss, the other for all the greater.

Hey that was good P-o-M (Did I get it right? :P) Anyway I was wondering if I could request a slave uprising from you, preferably in the bottom of a galley ship in a Redwall setting. But Plot Twist they don't succeed and are either killed or recaptured. Only one creature actually gets away and is set adrift on a piece of driftwood thinking he might as well die from the ocean.

While down below decks the survivors of the uprising are punished.

What I'm looking for is a tragedy oneshot where a small hope is crushed and has to be rekindled say in the future. Something that can only be imagined.

Think your up for it?

Sounds like a good idea SaLt! I'd love to do it!

Edit: The autocorrect on my phone made it say Sounds like idea SaLt! Not Sounds like a good idea SaLt! I'm sorry for that *Shuffles feet*

Cool, I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Edit: Its fine, happens all the time. Anyway I don't mean to sound pushy but how's the oneshot coming?

I'm terribly sorry SaLt. Life and school have just been so busy lately. I plan to re it out tomorrow. So sorry!

Don't worry about it, its better to have a solid well polished work come out slowly then to have a rushed bad one. Take all the time you need.

Sorry for the DP Gonff but is the Oneshot coming along good? I'm dying from the suspense. :P

I'd like to make a request after Sand's is complete. :)

I really like your writing style. It has a thoughtful feel to it but you don't take forever to get your point across. I wouldn't mind requesting something when you have the time.

Sandpaw, I am extremely sorry that I did not get your request! I have written a total of 10 essays and 6 Poems in the last month, so I have had very little time. However, I am free to write so I will finish it up this week, than hopefully get on to Banya's and Rachel's!

@Rachel: Thank you for the complement! It means so much that someone actually sees a unique style in how I write.

Of course we see how unique you're writing is PoM Tree, you're certainly talented writer.

And don't worry about it taking so long, I understand life can get hectic.

See, Gonff? People do like your writing :)

@Sky: You're right again, aren't you Sky?  ;)

Here is the story Sandpaw! It is formatted a little wierd, and tha pacing may be off, but I hope you like it!


Rueben collapsed. His young body could not bear to move the row another time. The
squirrel breathed heavy as a paw patted his gashed and rigid back.
“Mate, I told you y’ could slow down.”
“No. I-I'm not going to. I need to pick up for you.” He looked up and saw the eyes of the rabbit Nigel starting at him. From his eyes he traveled to the stud replacing his friend’s paw on his left arm. When Nigel had first been picked up little over a year ago, he got in a fight with one of the slave drivers. At first they he missed a few licks with a whip, but it didn't work out. The rabbit had meant to hit the deck, but instead did not jump low enough, letting he leather meet his ears. The blow stunned him, leaving him vulnerable. The slaver saw his chance and wrapped the whip around his left paw, and pulled. The force ripped the paw out of socket and tore the muscle to the bone. That night, his paw was amputated and he tips of his ears were cut off, leaving him in a distorted form. Since then, he was paired with the the squirrel Reuben below decks with the job of rowing one of the many oars of the Galspark.
“I told you fur head, I can manage. Plus, you have given me half your rations for seasons now. Lean against the oar and rest, I’ll keep going”
Before the steadfast youngster could continue, on of the slave drivers, a rat named Sleth, creaked the wooden steps coming down to the bottom. With him came a small otter maid, chained in the same rusty attire as the rest of the children. Sleth yanked her over to an empty spot next to an older hedgehog named Brianna, and attached her chains to the bench. She had been placed right across the aisle from Reuben and and Nigel. Once Sleth left, Nigel leaned over and greet the otter.
“Hullo there mate. What’s your name?”
“Marina… Marina Seadunec.”
“Nice to meet you Marina, I’m Nigel Featherwhop, and the squirrel next to me is Reuben Qualster.” After saying this, the rabbit nudged the sleeping squirrel and pointed to Marina. Rueben yawned, then gazed upon the new slave. Both of her legs were in casts made of cloth, and the stub of her tails was covered with a thick bandage stained with red.
“Another one!” he whispered in his friend’s ear. Nigel turned and shook his head and  turned back to Marina.
“So, um, what happened to your..”
“The slave drivers. Me and me Pop where overrun by a pirate ship farther north. They took me and killed him. I've been in the trade for a few years now, and when I was sold, they broke me legs and chopped off me tail to “fit me in”.
“Our slavers!?” bursted out Reuben.
“Yes..” muttered the sorry otter.
The bruised face of the squirrel turned red, and with full force, licked his fingers and stood up, stopping the flame from it’s dance on the candle’s wick. Any chatter below the decks was halted as the squirrel sat back down. That signal was enough to frighten the slaves until the night.

   The Galspark was stopped in the middle of the Ocean, with lantern light beaming out
illuminating the night sky. Above the decks, the crew and captain were fast asleep, but below, the slaves were listening to Rueben speak. The meaning of the candle going out was to have a meeting about a very important issue that night.
“It's gotten worse! Marina Seadunec here has both her legs broken, making her walk with them and got her tail chopped off! The slavers are trying to kill us now! We need to revolt!
“How can we?” questioned a mouse standing in the corner. “We’ve tried before remember? Look at those scars on your back.”
The others there looked upon the scared and torn back of the squirrel. Whip, cane, and blade marks lined the fur less back where his punishment had been set.
“We were unprepared then. But now, they have traded here and there, and gotten the right materials.”
“Such as what? Bread?”
“Blasting powder.” The whole bottom deck went silent once more. “They store it above where me and Nigel sit, so a little has fallen through the cracks. Brianna, hand me your candle.” The hedgehog maiden did as he pleaded and placed the candle in his paw. “Alright everyone, stay back.” At this, he threw a few grains of powder at the candle’s flame. A small ball of fire came from its tip, scaring the babes aboard.
“That is complete madness to use that!” cried out the mouse.
“What other choice do we have? Do you see any weapons!” At this statement, Reuben was able to lift his arms fully with no chain restrictions. The fire had broken through! The group gasped at the scene. They could actually be free! Still skeptical, the mouse piped up once more.
“How are we to get to this powder, and how is that powder supposed to help?”
“We blow up the ship of course!” yelled Nigel who had had enough of the ignorant mouse. “There is a small boat on the top deck. We will get one of us to be taken up here and blow up the powder. The rest of us will be free and ready to hop of the boat and row away,” finished Reuben. The nerves of the slaves were on high as they nodded in agreement.
At about three in the morning, all of the slaves were unchained and ready to go. Reuben
nodded to his friend, Nigel, and let out an excruciating loud scream.
“HALP! IM BEING ATTACKED!”
He sounds of sleepy and bumbling guards erupted from above. The rat Sleth came back down to see what had transpired.
“Wot goin’ ‘ere?”
“The rabbit attacked me!” The good eys of the rat turned to Nigel.
“Yoos comin’ wid me!” with that, he grabbed the pawless arm of he rabbit and dragged him off, too sleepy to notice that he was not chained up! Nigel looked back and have a small smirk to his fellow slaves. Their future depended on him.
   While the rabbit went above, the rest of the slaves moved to the left side of the ship.
When they heard the burning, they were to run up to the top deck and prepare the boat. Suddenly, there was a smell of smoke drifting through the top planks!
“RUN!” called Reuben as he pushed forward the group. When they reached the top, creatures where jumping into the boat moored in the ocean. Suddenly, the crew of the Galspark came rushing out, weapons ready. The squirrel braced himself for attack, when the wood beneath him suddenly disappeared and was replaced by a violent gust of fire and heat. The blast flung Reuben into the cold night ocean, along with half of the ship. Upon hitting the water, planks from above fell and kicked him out cold as the substance in which he lay.
  Reuben came to be that morning. When he awoke, half of his body was suspended on a
single plank of wood, with the other frozen in the water. The ocean around him was filled with burned and charred bodies of the Galspark crew. Among those bodies were many slaves, one of them being Marina Seadunec. Tears filled the eyes of the young, lonely squirrel. He had gotten his own friends killed, and had no clue if any others were alive on the escape boat. Worst of all he was alone. No one was there to rescue him, no one was there to save him, no one was there to take him back home. He had ruined his life and the lives of others trying to save them. He was a monster, and a monster who would die by those he had slain. Reuben Qualster took his last breath and let himself dip below the water.

Woah.

I planned to save this for later, but once I started reading, it was hard to stop. I wanted to see what happened to the slaves! I like your writing, Gonff; I honestly do.

The slaves were in an interesting position, weren't they? I can't understand how the slave drivers could have been so cruel, but then again, that's true for my views of people IRL. Also, the villains fit the style of Redwall.

Interesting characters as well. They also have cool names ;D

Spoilers for story

I was sad when Marina died. You executed that well. The entire ending was unexpected and tragic. Commentary: I think Reuben was too hard on himself, poor mate :-\ IMO, it was also Nigel's fault since he wanted to blow up the ship.

I also like how you reveal that Marina died, but left the fate of the other slaves rather open by saying Reuben saw many of the slaves' bodies. Who knows if, say, Nigel died? I like the air of mystery you leave the reader with.

[close]

I agree that the formatting is a bit weird and it could use some better pacing in the escape scene (I feel it could be improved if you elaborated a little more on the escape plan; it seemed a bit rushed. But that's just my perspective as someone who uses a lot of words). Anyway, DON'T GET ME WRONG!! The one shot itself is great regardless. Stay strong and keep going.

- Skyblade

Quote from: Skyblade on November 14, 2015, 11:15:47 PM
Woah.

This. Not just because of the story itself, but because of how much you've improved. Of the stories of yours that I've read, I think this is easily the best written. Granted, there's still room for improvement (like the stuff Sky said), but you've come a really long way in a short time. Great work, and keep at it :)

It's Heeeeere!

And well worth the wait to, well done PoM. While the overall writing could use some polishing it has a nice feel to it. Not to long, having just enough to bring the story out, but not too much, keeping it short, and sweet. Very well done.

Compliments:

I really liked the way you followed my request, but you added you're own creativity into the mix with the blasting powder. You also took it one step further, and had the main character beginning to drown himself. I can almost imagine something coming along saving him, or inspiring him to keep living. Which is exactly what I wanted.

I don't know if it was on purpose or accidental, but the way the last scene was written emitted the confusion of the current situation. It really showed how it must have been on the ship, and how crazy, and desperate it was.

Constructive criticism:

The one-shot had a rushed feel to it, like you were trying to pump out a sequence of events quickly, and while it kept the story short, and sweet it added a feel of. "Whoa what's happening now." I would suggest keeping a smoother touch, allowing things to flow, giving you're story a more natural feel.

There are a few logic errors, however they really aren't that big of a deal.

Congrats, and Thanks: I'm glad you were finally able to post it, I enjoyed reading, and I'm sure others will too. Good luck on you're next few requests, and thank you once again for posting this.

Oh gosh, three replies! Thank you all so much for reading, and I had a fun time writing it SaLt!

@Sky: I am so glad you felt it interesting enough to read. The villains I hoped were close enough (Even if I only introduced one) to the Redwall feel, and I see that I went down the right path!

Yes, I wanted to keep that feel of mystery in the end, just because with my others stories, they seemed to have a definite ending. With this one, there were a bunch of factors to consider, that Reuben and the others seemed to have forgotten. What if some had gotten killed? What if the guards woke up, what if the powder was just too strong? These were the things I purposely left out. They had such a strong desire to be free, that they just didn't care, and, ultimately, it sealed their fate. That was what I tried to get at, the feel of hopelessness even with a hopeful action.

With the formatting and such, I had to email it to myself, and a bunch of stuff got changed, but I will go back and fix it along with some plot and grammar issues.

@Mhera: Thank you as well! It always makes my day when others say I have improved. It gives a person like me true hope.

@SaLt: So thankful that you enjoyed it.  I am also glad that you saw what I meant to convey in the last part.

Sorry about it feeling rushed. On Wednesday I realized I hadn't started to I wrote it in 2 days and got it up. My plan is to fix it up by adding a little bit more of the deck scene and show how the powder was lit. Then, it should be much less choppy and flow smoothly.

Finally, I would like for you all to vote in the poll I put up on which you think my best short story is so far. The creative writing competition at my school is this week, and I have to enter my story, poems, and essays by Friday. I have already cleaned up all of the stories on my iPad, so what ever I choose I will post. Thank you all again!

- PoM

Uh, when's the deadline for the poll? I'd want to reread all of the short stories, and right now's not the best time :P

Probably Wednesday. That way I can have a good amount of time to re edit things.

"Hope in the Wind" is the most recent one you wrote, correct? That one gets my vote.