Redwall Abbey

This is a book me and Brinty are writing called A Mouse Named Brock.



                                                                                                     Chapter One
It was a beautiful morning. The mourning doves whistled their songs as they flew through the cloudless skies. But Patou did not take in this beauty as  he watched his slaves work. They could not fight against the whips that drove them on for lack of food. The wildcat watched from his fortress wall while his slaves built the compound where they were to stay. As they worked the wildcat spoke to one of his guards
“Why  are only half the slaves down there? I want all the slaves working on the compound!”
“Yes my lord,” said the guard. And went to do his bidding. Patou smiled. Here he was master. Here he was ruler.

On the eastern shores the Batirik raiding party was patrolling the coast of their land, when they stumbled upon a small hedgehog chopping wood. They surrounded the unfortunate hog and began closing in. The hedgehog whimpered when he saw there was no escape. Suddenly a voice called out
“Let him go!” The rats paused.
“Who said that? Come out!” commanded the biggest of the rats. A young mouse stepped into view on a high rock. He had many weapons strapped to him and in his hand he held a double bladed sword.
“Let him go,” he repeated.
“Why should we?” asked the rat leader. “The odds are ten to one in our favor.” The mouse jumped down from the rock and landed next to the hedgehog ,slipping the hog a dagger.
“Two,” he replied, “your favor.” The rats began their second advance.
“Fight for your lives,weaklings,”laughed the rat leader. The mouse charged upon the rats before they knew what was happening. He was among them like a whirlwind. His sword seemed to be everywhere at once. The battle was over in mere seconds, but all of the raiders lay dead and the mouse had only a few small cuts.
“Thanks for saving my life. I’m Jalug,” said the hedgehog.
“My pleasure,” the mouse replied.
“The name’s Brock the blade.”
“And what brings you here?” Asked Jalug
“Nothing, really, I’m just wandering from one place to another,” Brock answered.
“So where might you be staying tonight?” asked Jalug
“I’m not sure of that yet.” Brock replied.
“You could stay at my place.” Jalug said.
“Thank you kindly. I think I’ll take you up on that offer," Brock answered

On a rock nearby a raven watched carefully. He took in everything. Silently he flew away to his master. He told him all he had seen.

Nice work! When does chapter 2 come out?

Soon. I've already written some of it.  :)

I like it!

S'Cool!  :)

Thanks!  :)

Well done!

Here it is!   :)
Chapter two

At Redwall Abby everyone was busy, for tomorrow there was going to be a feast. The dibbens were trying to sneak out the door, but Blasko, skipper of otters, stopped them.
"And just where do you think you are going?" asked Skipper. ,
"We goin out to play,"said a mouse named bead.
"Are you going to make me swim in the pond alone?" replied Blasko.
"Swimmin we come!" cried all the dibbens.
"We're going to have a race, but you won't swim very fast with all that dirt weighing you down. If you wash it off first you'll go faster." skipper commented. The stampede of dibbens ran for the pond shouting.
"We'll clean it all off, skip, don't you worry" Blasko grinned.
"We'll need some soap and a brush as quick as possible."
"I'll send Terco and Termblow down with them. Those two need to get some exercise" Replied friar Bimbo.
"Well, hurry!" called skipper. As he ran to catch up with the dibbens. Bimbo scurried to the gatehouse and knocked on the door. A young mountain hare opened the door a crack and poked his head out.
"Ah, hello friar! I say, what would you want here or did you bring us some scoff wot?" asked Termblow.
"Who is it?" called an otter's voice.
"It's me, Bimbo" The friar said before Termblow could answer. Terco's  head popped out beside Termblow's
"Ah, friar did you bring us tea?" Terco asked.
"No, I have a job for you two. I need you to gather some soap and a brush. Take them to the pond immediately." answered the friar.
"Last one there carries the soap!" called Termblow as he ran off. Terco ran after him, knowing he would be carrying the soap. When they arrived at the pond, Termblow began scrubbing them as Terco was popping up behind the dibbens to soap them. When all the dibbens were cleaned it was time for the race. Terco went a few yards away and stood at the finish line and skipper marked the start.
"Ready, set, go!"yelled Termblow. Blasko ducked under water and started pushing the dibbens along. Then he swam ahead of them and leaped high in the air. Skipper landed behind the dibbens, making a wave that pushed them all on shore.
"Who won?" asked Terco
"Everyone, but I'll beat you to dinner." Termblow answered.
"O no you won't!" shouted Terco racing towards the great hall.
"I'll meet you there." Blasko called as he took the dibbens to be dried off. When skipper arrived at the great hall he saw Termblow an Terco near the end of a table eyeing the food. Abbot Gilef clapped his hands and stood Immediately everyone was silent. Gilef began saying grace.

Now as day comes to an end
Let every soul thank the beasts
Who toiled with their hands
To provide us with many feasts

    When he was finished the noise started up again. Termblow tackled a cheese salad as Terco dove into a deeper than ever pie that the moles had made. Blasko laughed when Terco removed his face from the pie which was half gone by now. Terblow also laughed when he saw his friend's pie covered face. The salad had disappeared. Terbilow grabbed a beaker of strawberry fizz to wash it down. Afterwards, he conquered three pieces of fruit truffle with five scones socked in honey, on the side. By the end of dinner every beast was full and they all drifted off to bed and slept soundly.     

Cool!

It is good, but it would be even better if it was a little more descriptive. Otherwise, quite good!

Thanks! And your right it could be better. This is my first fanfic. BTW: I am making more I just need Brinty to modify and type it up.

Hey, try to make the dialogue lines a little longer; it gets a little hard to read if all a creature says is yes, no, one, none, hamburger ( <-- note exaggeration, and hunger). Don't let me discourage you though!

You're right I need to make some longer dialogue, but I was trying to make him sound mad.

I see being mad as a decent reason, aye. Maybe you could put that in; it would help explain.

I read yours. Its really good.

Thank you :D. When will your next chapter be out?

Hopefully soon.
I have started working on it.

It's sounding pretty good so far! I can't wait to see how the story lines intertwine!

its great, but I wont vote until I have a good feel for the story