I've taken it upon myself to start writing a sort of, "project" fanfic. I'm going to go at my own pace, and will update the thread accordingly. But here's the first installment of my fanfic featuring my character from the M.R.S. Genesis science fiction RP. Hope you enjoy it.
Nyroc Brushdale: The Journey to Genesis
The warm and awakening sun shone above a large, empty field of wheat. Peaceful, tranquil, everything perfect for a quiet morning. The scene was ripped apart by a small craft speeding through the tall grass. Loud, intense, the pilot struggled to control suddenly the craft. A large badger yanked on the controls, trying to get ahold of the machine.
"KEEP IT STEADY, KEEP IT STEADY!" said a voice through the comms. The pilot didn't respond, but continued to try to control the craft. Suddenly, it bucked and the pilot was thrown against the cockpit glass, falling unconscious. "COME IN LIEUTENANT! BRUSHDALE, COME IN!!"
Nyroc Brushdale had grown up a strong willed young badger. One of the heads of his standard classes, he had a bright future. He set up goals while he was young, and did everything to accomplish those goals. One goal was to be accepted into the Mossflower Republic Academy of the Gifted. Only the best and brightest made it into this school, and they had practically their choice of career or assignment.
"Mr. Brushdale, what have you to offer to this academy that the next promising young badger can't offer?" Said Adriana Fog, the head instructor at the Air Fleet Academy. "We only accept the best, and I ask you: Why does that include you?" The question threw Nyroc off. "Well..." He started. The head instructor, a stern looking mouse, stared at him. She was intimidating to say the least, despite her meager size compared to Brushdale. "...I'll be honest, I've worked all my life to be able to have this opportunity. I've worked hard, and long. This has been my goal, and will be my goal. And I'm absolutely determined to get into this academy. My whole life I've dreamt of being somebody great, who can make a difference. I want to be the person who can make a change in the world, and to really change it. I've got the passion. I just need the knowledge." The instructor looked up. "This academy isn't for knowledge. It's not just somewhere you pop into to learn something from time to time. This is a life long commitment. Its not only for you to gain knowledge, but technique. I'm afraid that if you can't realize that, then I can't sponsor your entrance into this academy." "Please ma'am! All I want is the chance to prove myself. Isn't there something I can do?" The mouse looked at him sternly, then faintly softened her face. "There is a contest. In one week. A flying contest, the winner gets a scholarship into this school. But you've only got a week to acquire a ship."
Nyroc rushed home and got to work. Getting a ship would be easy, he thought. He's uncle Kyle had a whole ship yard of those, and he wouldn't mine to spare one. But flying it, now there was the problem. He'd never been into the cockpit of a ship before. He'd never attempted to pilot one. But he'd always played the simulators. It couldn't be too different, could it?
"Look boy, I don't know what you plan for on doing with this craft, but whatever it is, STOP RIGHT NOW!" Nyroc's uncle Kyle looked at him urgently. "You ain't got no business trying to fly this thing. Gonna get yourself killed." "I thank you for the concern Uncle, but I've got to win this contest to get into the Academy. It's my only chance. I've got to try." Uncle Kyle looked at him quietly. Nyroc had climbed into the cockpit of a small shuttle, and settled himself in for a first attempt at flying. "Well," Uncle Kyle said, pointing to the control stick "...if your gonna hold the grip, don't hold it like that. It's not a gun, it's for control. You gotta use it like its part of your hand."
For 5 days, attempt after attempt later, Nyroc had mastered the basics of flying. But he was nowhere near the skill level that his competition would have. He knew there was no chance of him getting into the Academy. But he kept at it, until the day finally arrived.
15 shuttles were lined up, ready to fly. At the end of the line, was a old and damaged shuttle, piloted by none other then Nyroc Brushdale. He sat in the cockpit, getting his gear together. He kept thinking to himself "Why am I even bothering?" and the words that he spoke to that potentially evil mouse at the Academy came back to him: "My whole life I've dreamt of being somebody great, who can make a difference. I want to be the person who can make a change in the world, and to really change it." His thoughts were interrupted by his uncle Kyle. "Look boy, you've got make sure you stay to the inside, and when you hit a straight stretch, keep into an open line." "Yes sir." "And make sure you don't let go of the control stick. It means your life." "Yes sir."
Nyroc leaned back into his seat, looking at the stands. Academy scouts had just shown up. The pressure that Nyroc thought he could handle, was mounting. The starting sounds began to chirp in each of the contestants ears. ?
"One....Two.....three!"
Very well done :) I like the story and the main character already. Please keep writing.
This is awesome Soren!! Please keep writing :D
Hey, this is looking good, dude!
BTW: You had a little error with the BBcode on the second paragraph and you might want to check that out (of course, it is nothing big, just a little distracting) ;)
Quote from: Skyblade on June 10, 2015, 12:45:59 AM
Very well done :) I like the story and the main character already. Please keep writing.
Quote from: Wot, wot! on June 10, 2015, 01:12:59 AM
This is awesome Soren!! Please keep writing :D
Thanks you two! :D
Quote from: TheTaleOfSierra on June 10, 2015, 01:46:36 AM
Hey, this is looking good, dude!
BTW: You had a little error with the BBcode on the second paragraph and you might want to check that out (of course, it is nothing big, just a little distracting) ;)
Thanks man, and I fixed the problem. ;)
Hopefully I'll start work on the next part of the story.
Nice!
Thanks!
I've started on the next installment.
This reminds me of the pod racing scene from Star Wars: Episode I! I love a good race, they always have so much going on. Looking forward to reading the next installment :)
Thanks Tammo. :)
I'm about 2/3 done on the next part, so getting closer!
Ok, so here's part of the story. I'd planned on expanding it, and I'm working on that, but this part is finished. (Don't worry, it will get better soon. ;) )
-----------
"UGHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUH....." Groaned Nyroc as the small ship flew through the fifth checkpoint. Although it was relatively simple to control, the ship had some serious stability issues, causing severe turbulence. Somehow, Nyroc had managed to slip past the last few contestants, and was stuck in 11th place. There didn't seem much hope for him to make it the to front. The course had a lot of turns, that caused it to barely be able to keep the ship from crashing into the ground.
After a few minutes of tedious turns, toward the end of the race, he was in 3rd place. Barely believing he made it this far, he kept trying to overtake the shuttle in front of him. It was simply too fast to get around.As they neared the finish line, the two shuttles in front of Nyroc surged forward, and he knew he was beat. Finishing 3rd place wouldn't win a scholarship. He'd never make it after failing something of this magnitude.
As the losing shuttles slowed to a stop, and the young squirrel piloting the winning craft raised his trophy high, Nyroc's uncle Kyle was looking at the shuttles. Not in admiration, but rather as a man summing up his target. Kyle had to get those shuttles he sold from somewhere, and he couldn't afford to actually buy one. But he noticed something that was out of place compared to the same model he stole last Tuesday. There was a small converter box, right near the fuel intake hose. He wedged his fingers into the mechanism and exposed a compact fusion system. He knew those system were illegal, or else he would have fitted Nyroc's shuttle with one.
Kyle approached the judges of the contest with the illegal device in hand. "HEY! This is a fusion system for fuel conversion! It was attached to that squirrels shuttle!" He said as he pointed at the winning craft. After closer examination, the two winners were both cheating, as they were brothers. Now being disqualified, Nyroc had been named the new winner of the contest.
Cool! (Awww, Uncle Ben! I was gonna head over to Toche Station to pick up some power converters!)
Quote from: Sagetip, the hare on July 03, 2015, 04:19:29 PM
Cool! (Awww, Uncle Ben! I was gonna head over to Toche Station to pick up some power converters!)
Thanks! (And don't you mean "Owen" Lars?)
Right. That was embarrassing.
I re-read this for the contest Soren and it was spectacular! You had me worried near the end there! i agree with Tammo that this has the feel of The Phantom Menace with your character having that Captain Kirk feel. Wonderful, and I wish to read more!
Thanks Gonff, I'm trying to pull the next part together. Eventually.
Dude, I had totally forgotten about this fic (I know, my priorities are a mess) but I have read it in its entirety now and I have nothing less than sheer praising for you. I don't know how you did it, but you somehow managed to write an incredibly addicting story in just a few lines (I'm talking about the latest update). Keep it up!
Wow, thanks man! I had to stop when I went out of town, but hopefully I can get back on it soon.
Here's a tiny bit, I'm still working on the complete next installment though.
_______
After 4 long years of study, Nyroc Brushdale was proudly among a huge crowd of students who had just left the graduation ceremony. It finally seemed like everything was in place for him. It had been a rough few years, and competition in the school was relentless. But he endured. Though not without sacrifice. To be the best in the Academy, you had to be practically locked into your pad, constantly studying. He didn't have much of a social life. So when a group of his closest "friends" asked him to join them to celebrate, he agreed. He needed to "mingle" with other people, or so he was told by his instructors.
The group walked into a crowded room. This was supposed to be one of the Academy's "student hangouts". There was loud music that Nyroc recognized from his roommate's music catalog. Tons of student were piling in, moving to the music apparently and squishing around him. While trying to find a place of refuge among the happy students, he was able to slip into a corner, away from the crowd. He took several deep breaths. "Remember, socialize. Be brave, and say hello. Or dance. Anything." He stood up straight, confidence restored, took a step forward, and promptly ducked out through the nearest exit. He couldn't take that kind of pressure.
"Why can't I handle it?" He asked the apparently homeless hedgehog on the curb. "I mean, I'm good with studying and can work under pressure. But I just can't talk to ... people." He sighed, looking to the hedgehog, (Sir. Stumps he called himself), for advice. Stumps squinted at him, and abruptly asked, "Am I getting paid for this?" "No" replied Nyroc. Stumps simply stood up, grabbed his bag, nodded to Brushdale and walked away. Nyroc watched, not completely surprised. He felt like he didn't have anyone to talk too. He stood, and quietly walked down the lonely street.
Lovely story, Soren!
I think you need to fix the formatting, but I figure you're aware of that ~
Keep writing.
Quote from: Skyblade on August 03, 2015, 04:25:12 PM
Lovely story, Soren!
I think you need to fix the formatting, but I figure you're aware of that ~
Keep writing.
Thanks!
(Wait, what do you mean? It seems ok for me.)
I'm talking about the dialogue :) I'm no expert in writing, but I think in general it needs to be more formatted.
Here's the third paragraph of your story, which is a big block of text. A very well-written block of text, don't get me wrong! But still :D
Quote"Mr. Brushdale, what have you to offer to this academy that the next promising young badger can't offer?" Said Adriana Fog, the head instructor at the Air Fleet Academy. "We only accept the best, and I ask you: Why does that include you?" The question threw Nyroc off. "Well..." He started. The head instructor, a stern looking mouse, stared at him. She was intimidating to say the least, despite her meager size compared to Brushdale. "...I'll be honest, I've worked all my life to be able to have this opportunity. I've worked hard, and long. This has been my goal, and will be my goal. And I'm absolutely determined to get into this academy. My whole life I've dreamt of being somebody great, who can make a difference. I want to be the person who can make a change in the world, and to really change it. I've got the passion. I just need the knowledge." The instructor looked up. "This academy isn't for knowledge. It's not just somewhere you pop into to learn something from time to time. This is a life long commitment. Its not only for you to gain knowledge, but technique. I'm afraid that if you can't realize that, then I can't sponsor your entrance into this academy." "Please ma'am! All I want is the chance to prove myself. Isn't there something I can do?" The mouse looked at him sternly, then faintly softened her face. "There is a contest. In one week. A flying contest, the winner gets a scholarship into this school. But you've only got a week to acquire a ship."
I'm going to re-format it to show you what I mean.
Generally, you want to start a new line when a new character starts talking:
"Mr. Brushdale, what have you to offer to this academy that the next promising young badger can't offer?" Said Adriana Fog, the head instructor at the Air Fleet Academy. "We only accept the best, and I ask you: Why does that include you?"
The question threw Nyroc off. "Well..." He started.Another thing, dialogue tags ("said" and the like) are generally lowercase:
Mr. Brushdale, what have you to offer to this academy that the next promising young badger can't offer?" said Adriana Fog...Third paragraph reformatted
"Mr. Brushdale, what have you to offer to this academy that the next promising young badger can't offer?" said Adriana Fog, the head instructor at the Air Fleet Academy. "We only accept the best, and I ask you: Why does that include you?"
The question threw Nyroc off. "Well..." he started. The head instructor, a stern looking mouse, stared at him. She was intimidating to say the least, despite her meager size compared to Brushdale. "...I'll be honest, I've worked all my life to be able to have this opportunity. I've worked hard, and long. This has been my goal, and will be my goal. And I'm absolutely determined to get into this academy. My whole life I've dreamt of being somebody great, who can make a difference. I want to be the person who can make a change in the world, and to really change it. I've got the passion. I just need the knowledge."
The instructor looked up. "This academy isn't for knowledge. It's not just somewhere you pop into to learn something from time to time. This is a life long commitment. Its not only for you to gain knowledge, but technique. I'm afraid that if you can't realize that, then I can't sponsor your entrance into this academy."
"Please ma'am! All I want is the chance to prove myself. Isn't there something I can do?"
The mouse looked at him sternly, then faintly softened her face. "There is a contest. In one week. A flying contest, the winner gets a scholarship into this school. But you've only got a week to acquire a ship."
I'm not trying to force you into writing like this, but I think it's cleaner and more standard this way. You might want to consider editing the story. Hope it helps, and keep writing ~
Ohhh, ok. Thanks.
It's not a big deal. I write the same way you did, and I personally don't really care one or the other! ;D ;D
*waits for next chapter*
Anyway, I actually have to correct what Sky said...
When you start a new line or paragraph, you do this:
...blah blah blah.
(indent)And then I went to the grocer's and bought some milk for the cat because he needed some different food because he was sick because he ate a really really really old dead mouse which had somehow survived rat poison and had eaten two-month old cheese....
Or....
...blah blah blah
(enter)
(No indent!)And then I had to go out to Petsmart buy some really expensive prescription dog food since my Schnauzer was super dooper sick and needed some quality food. Now I have to go out to Petsmart to get a new dog because our old Schnauzer died from being too obese from eating all that quality dog food.
Whatever, this wasn't really supposed to be an ultra-serious kind of fanfic anyway. I can't go back and make proofreading changes just yet. I've stalled doing this, I've a lot of writing to do with school before I can resume.
Honestly, the story I wrote in my head is much, much more interesting.
Quote from: Soren the Warrior on November 02, 2015, 05:34:55 AM
Honestly, the story I wrote in my head is much, much more interesting.
Story of my life, lol
My apologies if I gave misleading advice.
Are you continuing this, Soren?
I will, when I get caught up on school writing, (and if I get motivated). So it could be a while. I've not given up, just am trying to get my life together. :P
And I'm sure your advice is fine, I just can't go and fix it right now. The whole thing about "Said" being lower case, blame that on my iPad's autocorrect. ::)
I take that back, after a sudden riish of motivation, I have a few paragraphs. ;D
"I've got to be the worst engineer ever, Harry!" A young badger girl sat on a stool in a downtown cafe. It was late, and she had one too many dracktaginos. She stared down into her cup of black, milky thick liquid. The otter bar tender/barista, Harry, shook his head at her. "Just because the Orbital Defense Division didn't accept you onto that station doesn't mean you aren't a good engineer." he said, trying to cheer her up. The girl was a regular at this time of night, and was especially down tonight. He took the cup from her hands. "You won't be able to sleep tonight if you keep downing these things." She glared at him kiddingly. "I'm not paying for that!" she said.
Nyroc was tired, aimlessly walking through the streets. He was exhausted. And hungry. He saw to "Open" sign of a cafe on the corner. "Maybe I can get something to eat." he thought. He walked in, observing the scene. A otter was washing some dishes, and another badger sat at the bar, with 5 empty cups in front of her. Nyroc walked up. He took one look at the girl and could tell she was very beautiful. Just...not fully there at the moment. She seemed to be half dozing, half talking to herself. "Is she ok?" he asked Harry. "Yeah, she's fine. Dracktaginos have a tinge of synthol in them, put her out like a light. She's a regular." Harry looked at Nyroc. "Never seen you before, what will you have?" Brushdale glanced at the sleeping girl again, and said "What ever she's having."
That night, he laid awake, staring at his dorm room ceiling. That girl, he didn't even know her name, fascinated him. Nyroc never knew many other badgers, besides his parents and his weird uncle Kyle. He never seemed to see any while at school. Especially no one like her. He was thankful to have the room for one more night, because the nights ahead for him would be busy and draining. Moving into a new place, finding out he's not the only badger to live in the city, was all a lot to take in.
I'm not one for romantic stories ;D Was this inspired by V, by the way? You could really write some realistic love scenes.
I'm going to keep reading this story; it's interesting. Well, if you keep writing.
Quote from: Skyblade on November 14, 2015, 11:22:52 PM
I'm not one for romantic stories ;D Was this inspired by V, by the way? You could really write some realistic love scenes.
I'm going to keep reading this story; it's interesting. Well, if you keep writing.
Not really. Nyroc, the charicter had a past involving a girl in the Genesis RP, which I made him before I knew V. But it became much easier to form the story with the girl badger (who's yet to be named) after I met V. Basically, the charicter herself was inspired by her, but not her role in the story.
Thank you Sky. :) I kinda had fun writing it, so I'll try to continue when I get the opritunity.
Did you make up drack- dracki- that beverage? :P Anyway, nice chapter :)
Quote from: Mhera on November 15, 2015, 02:58:26 AM
Did you make up drack- dracki- that beverage? :P Anyway, nice chapter :)
Kinda, again. ;D A Dracktagino is a play on the Klingon coffee beverage Racktagino from Star Trek: Deep Space 9.
And thank you, I'm hoping to work on it a bit more soon. :)
Quotet was late, and she had one too many dracktaginos.
I don't know if you meant this to be funny, but it honestly made me laugh :D