This is a thread for reviews, feedback, comments, or questions about the story Recovery (http://redwallabbey.com/forum/index.php?topic=3185.0).
SO NERVOUS! Hope you like it, maybe? *hides forever*
Its so awesome! I want to read more!
Come out of hiding you! The story is great! I'm excited to see what will happen next :D it also helps me think about what we should do for our rp thread.
That was epic! Please write more soon. Don't worry--you are not the only person on this forum who loves the grey area. Proven fact, because I find grey characters awesome. Hope you continue this story--don't let it end up like so many others that have disappeared into the later pages.
Wow, thank you guys so much! That really means so much to me... <3
No idea when the next chapter will be done, but hopefully before too long? Starting it today~ This chapter will introduce Branimir, and the other rat Sage mentioned! :O
Yay,cant wait!
That was awesomely AMAZING!!!! :o I wish I could write (or type) as well as you!
Alright. My first comment is regarding SPAG. (Spelling, Punctuation And Grammar) For some reason, people online consider this a dirty word and will tell you it doesn't matter. In the real world, it does. Don't kid yourself; people judge the quality of your work by SPAG. It is also the fastest way to destroy the world you create in your writings.
That said, congratulations. I couldn't find anything while reading. That means most of my comments will center on the technical and the artistic.
Lose those brackets. They are a distraction. If the information needs to be given, find a way to work it into the story as background information. Best way is to reveal it through dialogue with another character. You want to avoid telling the information and have it shown to the readers. Showing puts your readers in the story while telling leaves people thinking it's a book report.
At this point in your story, we are getting the background to the upcoming tale. Though you have not called it a preface, it does the same thing by setting the tone. At a little under a thousand words, it has a good length for online reading.
What follows are editorials. As the author, you're free to consider or reject all comments. On another writing site, the words of Stephen King are considered religious dogma. Such is the power of a best selling author. I think some of his commandments are ##:1046, however, I will list any "infractions" for your consideration.
1 --- I began hearing rumors -- According to the dictates of Saint Stephen King, the word "began" should never be used except to describe the operations of a machine. Personally, I think the writting world has given this guy too much credit. I see nothing wrong, but would reword - "I heard rumors"
2 --- they'd heard this name before -- Avoid prepositions at the end. It draws readers into the next sentece and can cause confusion. Suggest rewording - "they'd knew this name"
3 --- He did all the questioning at the beginning -- See Item 1. Suggest - "He asked his questions first. He wanted to know ...."
4 --- would care about any of a -- verbose and difficult. Suggest eliminating "any of" for easier reading.
5 --- he began to open up -- Suggest rewording - "he revealed more."
6 --- and heard of -- Redundant, suggest you eliminate this. It will not change the context of your sentence.
7 --- intentions were good! -- Beware of the exclamation point. Use it when it matters, and here it doesn't deserve the emphasis it implies. Use this too often and readers will consider it a fancy period. Limit it to something of life changing importance.
8 --- Consider eliminating every ly-adverb. Their removal doesn't change the syntax of your sentence. Consider this example:
village where he grew up sounded very nice, actually.
village where he grew up sounded very nice.
who quickly had any villagers
who had any villagers
Quote from: cairn destop on December 18, 2012, 03:55:20 AM
First of all, thank you for so much feedback!
I have to say I agree with you, most of those absolutes are ##:1046 when taken as absolutes (like, nothing ever begins? so...nothing ever happens, ever? I'm fairly certain that other than
possibly time and space themselves, everything that has ever happened began at one point. XD still better to use it sparingly if possible, but come on. things totally begin, Stephen), but are mostly still very good things to keep in mind and consider. AKA, weighing each exception for necessity/stylistic license. So while I may not agree with all of your notes, I think they're still valuable, and appreciate them!
That said I think most of your comments apply significantly less to this chapter, because I felt that the character's voice was more important here than most technical stuff--it's not too clear yet, but Sage will be a pretty important character, and this chapter being written in her voice serves as a sort of introduction to her character, with a few hints about what she's like. And Sage is a teenage girl, with a few issues of her own! lol The brackets are mostly her own asides, and personal comments that she probably shouldn't really be interjecting into her records. Same goes for use of the exclamation point--probably choices I wouldn't make if not for it feeling very in-character for her. And while I know I'm a little verbose at times anyway, she's even moreso. Ending sentences with prepositions I can't blame entirely on Sage, though--while I'm aware of this rule and usually follow it even in casual conversation, every now and then I end up faced with a sentence that just REFUSES to flow properly without breaking it...and at that point, I usually just fold like an umbrella. XD
I think my style in general is very much more character-focused than most? So I might go a bit overboard on keeping in-character for first-person things like this, and sacrifice some technical aspects. Honestly I don't know if this qualifies as an actual problem or just a style thing? Most choices I make are what I think will best serve the story, and as my stories tend to be very character-driven, character development details tend to be the priority. lol As an example, sometimes I think a little "telling" rather than "showing" can be necessary within the context of bringing the reader into the character's mind, because it becomes a different kind of showing, in a way? By telling something about their surroundings, you are simultaneously
showing something about your character. If that makes sense? I'm bad at explaining what I mean about stuff like this. XD
On another note, the next chapter should be up before 2013! :O
EDIT: In fact, it should be up tomorrow! ;D
*makes a home under a rock and lives there for forever*
(AKA new chapter's up aaaaaaaaaaugh)
;D C'mon you gotta know that you can't live under stuff and hide away forever. Besides, YOUR BOOK IS AWESOME!!!! :o Can't wait for the rest!
Your writing stands out! i really enjoyed reading it! :o
Thank you guys so much~! <3
Working on the next chapter!
Always kind of discouraging to get like no reviews on fanfiction.net though. D:
Quote from: Something Horrifying on December 31, 2012, 06:40:28 PM
Working on the next chapter!
Always kind of discouraging to get like no reviews on fanfiction.net though. D:
Know that feeling. Just post for your pleasure.
Quote from: cairn destop on January 02, 2013, 01:06:21 PM
Quote from: Something Horrifying on December 31, 2012, 06:40:28 PM
Working on the next chapter!
Always kind of discouraging to get like no reviews on fanfiction.net though. D:
Know that feeling. Just post for your pleasure.
Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do, since I'm really enjoying writing it. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that feels that way! I just have to fight that little voice in my head that tells me everyone must have hated it.