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GARMOR, THE CORSAIR CAPTAIN OF BLOODGULL, LOOKED THROUGH THE WINDOW. He had just attempted a land raid and was sailing away, down south through the Great Southern Sea. Nobeast wanted to see the wrath of Garmor Bloodskillet when he had failed. Three humongous waves splashed against the side of the deck, busting a few barrels of stolen raspberry cordial which he had retrieved on the raid. Bortummbalk, the great isle of sea rats and otter corsairs, came into clear view. Jamurt, a hefty otter corsair, asked the battle-scarred wolverine captain Garmor a question. “Cap’n, ar the barrels o’ me good ol’ cordial there?”
Garmor commanded one of the corsairs to check on the cordial. “Yes, Jamurt, yes.” Garmor hid a sly smile from the otter, and slipped out a whip from behind his back. “Jamurt, you can get your cordial right now...” He pulled his whip from behind his back. “Or then never!” A few lightning-quick cracks of the whip killed Jamurt. By this time, BLOODGULL had harbored. “Drop anchor!” Garmor shouted. Rats on the shore had already put up long planks for their fellow Sea Raiders to get down. Once Garmor was down on the ground and inside the great castle of Fort Morfanger. Garmor was kneeling down to the great corsair warlord King Gormoff Burgrong Mairtspur.
"What are you doing without slaves?! You said you would bring back slaves!" shouted the enraged warlord.
Garmor was stammering. "S - s-s-s-s-s-sir, I w-w-w-was attacked b-b-b-b-b-by otters." Once Gormoff understood this he was enraged. OTTERS! Defeating my corsairs. Impossible! Gormoff was infuriated and the quick-witted Garmor knew to flee, with Gormoff
right on his heels.
QuoteOnce Gormoff understood this he was enraged. OTTERS! Defeating my corsairs. Impossible! the king thought. He chased after Garmor, enraged.
Couple of things, First, italics are the universal symbol for thoughts. You won't have to put the bold=thoughts if the thoughts are in italics.
Second, there's two enraged in there. I suggest taking one off.
Third, you don't need to put 'the king thought' when you're putting the thoughts in bold already.
Fourth, 'he chased after Garmor, enraged.' I would suggest you add in front of that something along the lines of 'Gormoff was bursting with visible rage, and Garmor knew the smart thing to do would be to run, with Garmor hot on his heels.'
Five, proper grammar! When different people are talking, you always press enter. I could barely get myself to ready it. People don't like to read big, solid blocks of text.
Of course, you could dismiss my advice as ramblings of a mad woman as well...
Other than that, I'm liking what I see, and will be following this in the future.
Wonwill is right on the two enraged parts, If you want, theirs always thesaurus.com. The bold is the same, but otherwise, I think your fanfic has a great start.
This will be like BJ's style of writing, with maybe two or three POVs.