Redwall Abbey

This is my first one so I need constructive critiques


      Running. That was all the black furred mouse did anymore. He had tried to fight, more than once. Once with a band of shrews, then with two northlanders that gave him their blades. He felt the dirks in their slots on a chest piece.  Now he was running again. He would run till he could defeat his enemy, Xetill, Emperor Xetill.


      "What are you doing my friend" said Abbot Hiro to his friend Drake cellarhog. Drake was pouring the contents of a barrel into the ditch.
   "Those rascally DAB gang members raided my cellars and that son o' mine, Cordial fell into a barrel of nutbrown ale!" exclaimed Drake "Now I have to empty it out, this one was the best I had!"
   The abbot was trying unsuccessfully to stifle his laughter. "hohohohahaha- that must be agonizing to pour that out-hahaha"
   "Why are you laughing abbot" said Drake in mock seriousness "It is agonizing pouring my beloved nutbrown ale into the ditch so some toad can lick it up"
   "I'm sorry my friend, I could not help it," said the abbot regaining his composure "though I am glad that we are only laughing at misfortune, and not anything more serious"
"You are not alone in thinking that, abbot"
"huh? Oh, hello Sul, eavesdropping again I see"
Smiling, Sul, the abbey warrior shook his head "No, I just overheard as I was going to my daily walk around the walls"
Drake had finished pouring the nutbrown ale and called over his shoulder to the abbot and the warrior "Id love to stay and chat but I have to go back and make sure those dibbuns don't get into anymore drinks, the midsummer feast is coming and I don't want to make it any less great than it should be"
"Good luck to you, Drake" called Sul to the cellarhog, and to the abbot he said "Also, you might want to help in the kitchens, guess-who has been trying to raid it all morning"
"Not Ray, that hare could eat the walls if he got to thinking about it"
" Yes he could, id get there as soon as possible"

   Xetill the black furred stout emperor was currently in his tent waiting for his second-in-command Specter's return. The emperor looked at his blade, the actual blade was made from metal that was from a volcano, but the thorns were steel. Specter, his gray furred battle crazy second in command fox came in without a sound, his small crow, Corvus perched on his shoulder. "There is an abbey half a day's march from here"
   "An abbey?" asked Xetill
   "Yes, Redwall, I believe." said Specter
"Redwall, that would be the fabled abbey that the rat gang spoke of, wouldn't it?" Xetill chuckled as he thought of what he did to them.
"Yes" Specter rubbed his hands gleefully, a red light flared dimly in the gray coated fox's gaze. "I say we conquer it, Midnight and you are mortal enemies right?"
"Yes, so he would have to attack the abbey if we conquer it, that is harder than attacking a vermin camp." Said Xetill, rubbing his chin.
   "I'll give you some background on that abbey, they're a lucky bunch, either getting help at the last minute or a warning from the abbey warrior spirit" said Scepter
   "Well, that makes it hard doesn't it" commented Xetill, "but something tells me you have a plan"
"Of course I do"
"Well, I don't like being kept waiting"
"Neither would I, if I were you"
"I'm still waiting"
"Well, I think that we should come in over the wall, silently" Specter said "I lead a force of 25 of your most silent warriors to take the abbey, we'll need grappling hooks."
"Seems good enough, I'll try to unlatch the west gate, you go for the east" Said Xetill
"I see the cleverness in that" said Specter, smiling evilly "let's hope you will soon have the abbot's chair as your throne in, hmm... 2 days?"
"Half a day's march right?"
"Yes"
"Then in two days it is"

   Midnight was currently captured by a roving vermin gang. They had kept him in an small den. He was taunting the rat who was left to guard him. "One more word and I'll gut ye" the rat said holding his new dirk.
Midnight sniffed disdainfully "You couldn't hit a full grown badger that was standing right in front of you"
"Shut yer gob, mouse" the rat yelled
"Ha, you make me sick, foolish rat" That did it, the rat came and tried to slice him with a downward slash, Midnight suddenly dodged to the blade and it cut one of the ropes binding him. With the newly freed hand he grabbed the rats arm wielding the blade and twisted.
The pain was unbearable, the rat dropped the dirk and it was caught by Midnight who used to quickly slice the other ropes binding him. The rat was sucking at his injured paw when he was roughly kicked down and suddenly had a blade to his throat. "Where is the rest of your lot?"
"They went roving to the west, I swear!" the rat said in panic.
"On what oath?"
"Huh, oh, the oath of all roving vermin." Midnight left him gagged and hanging upside-down from a tree. He retrieved his other dirk and went off in search of the other vermin.


        Graggle the fox was in a good mood, last night he had captured a tired black furred mouse and now he and Drang the stoat were fighting a squirrel "Jump back so I can get a good shot" He was wielding the bow the mouse had carried and Drang had the mouse's blade. Drang did as told, jumping back, but the squirrel jumped forward so Graggle couldn't get the shot.
     He died without a sound, Graggle did, the dirks stabbed in his head. Drang died short after, the squirrel disarming him then running him through.
Specter was with Sitar, the rat captain. They were looking for an ideal place to throw the grapples over the wall top. "Wont somebeast see us?" asked Sitar.
"No you dimwit" Sitar was not popular with Specter "There is no patrols, this is an abbey, not a castle"
They were silent for a moment, and then Specter spotted the abbey warrior walking along the wall top as he did each early morning. "Get into cover" he hissed to Sitar.
Once he had gone, Sitar said "I told you"
"Shut up before I throttle you"
Eventually Specter found the ideal spot for grappling hooks, he marked the area and went to the spot where he and Xetill would meet in the night.

Very nice; it's a little fast-paced (what I mean is telling a great deal in very little words), but still, very nice.

Although I think this should be in the Fan Fiction board, not the Fan Works. ;)
If you want, I'll PM a mod for you.

Thanks, but I don't think I'm ready for a mod to check this yet, as for the story being fast-paced, I'll work on that for later chapters, but I currently have writer's block so they may take a while

Oh, and one more thing, I've seen Dusktail and all I can say is that it is very intriguing, keep writing man ;)

Um. . . that wasn't me who wrote that. :P
The author of that is the user Darkenmal. I really enjoy his story as well.
My story is 'Mossflower Falls'. ;)
Here's a link:  http://redwallabbey.com/forum/index.php?topic=5593.0 (http://redwallabbey.com/forum/index.php?topic=5593.0)

 :-[ well...um

btw can you tell me how to move the fan-fiction to the right category

Yeah; I can PM a mod for you, or you can. Tell them that you think it should be in whatever board (Fan Fiction) and they will be more than happy to help. ;)
I'll PM them.

it was a while ago, but yes I have read it and it was...wow. just wow. Im very interested in how Lord Coalpaw and his allies defeat the massive horde, or if the horde defeats them

You'll see. ;)
It should be uploaded soon.
BTW, I PMed Dawnwing, and she should move this soon.

Thanks  ;D

No prob.

I just edited chapter one if anyone has read it yet

I've lost my writer's block and so here is my next chapter. I tried to make it longer but this is about as far as I got.


   Sul was sleeping peacefully after the Midsummer feast. Suddenly, the slumber was broken by a scream from his son, Duston in the other room. With amazing speed he got his sword and was in his son's room. "What is it?" he said he asked once he realized it was a dream.
"Martin spoke to me, father!" said Duston in-between pants of fear.
"What?" asked Sul with surprise
"He said this:
Then," said Dustin calming down "Martin stepped to the side and showed me Redwall, only it was taken by a vermin army, that's all I can remember except for that he said one more thing: Remember, make haste!"
Sul was deeply troubled by the warning from the abbey spirit. Finally he said "Come my son, we must rouse the rest of the abbey"
"So, your name is Midnight." said the squirrel, whose name was Silven. Silven was  amber furred and carried two sabers. They had just finished disposing the vermin's bodies.
"Yes, it is, you seem to be a traveling warrior."
"Aye, so I am, why do you ask?"
"Well, I need some help defeating a mortal enemy of mine, but be warned; this could cost you your life."
"Ha, count me in, there is a place called Redwall from the way I came, its full of creatures, we should head there to warn them of this emperor." Said Silven, smiling.
Smiling also, Midnight continued talking "That's what I like in warriors"
"I like it too"
Still smiling, they continued trekking through Mossflower Woods. But, their smiles were those of which the hares of Salamandastron would have called perilous.
Soon they came upon a clearing "we should set up camp here" commented Midnight
"Aye" said Silven. Soon they a small fire going and were roasting some oats Silven had found. "So," Silven asked "How did you become mortal enemies with your, uh mortal ememy?"
"Xetill"
"Hmm?"
"His name is Xetill, I used to live as a guard to a massive palace in the far east, but one day I felt that I wanted a different life, one where I would not be a soldier to a tyrannical emperor. So one night I attacked and scarred Xetill over one eye, and he has been after me ever since"
"Well," said Silven "What is this Xetill like?"
"He is a stout with a blade made from a metal that came from a volcano, but it has thorns made from iron on its sides, he calls it the Thornblade"

Xetill met Specter with 50 warriors from the horde, half of which he gave to Specter. "There is no guards, this should be a piece of cake" reported Specter
"Yes there is," Sitar said "me and specter saw him"
Specter glared at him before continuing "that was only a abbeydweller that decided to take a stroll on the-"
"No," Sitar interrupted, "he had the look of a warrior"
"Silence!" shouted Xetill "Specter told me there would be an abbey warrior Sitar, you should learn to trust the mind of your betters" Pyxis, another captain under Xetill, sniggered at Sitar. "Now, let's move, I'll see you on the abbey lawn Specter, that is, if all goes according to plan" The force split and began to go their leaders. And so the invasion of Redwall had begun.

Very nice!
Oh, I also reread the first chapter. ;)

well I just edited chapter 5 as well, im glad you like it  :)

I just noticed that I didn't really describe any of the characters that well, im going to have to work on that too

ok, so I decided to tell you what type of creatures the characters are, considering the fact that I may forget to do so in the story
GOOD:
Midnight:  black furred mouse
Silven: Squirrel, wields two sabers
Abbot Hiro: Mouse
Sul: Squirrel, Abbey warrior
Duston: Squirrel, Sul's son
EVIL:
Xetill: stout, wields thornblade
Specter: Gray furred fox, loves killing creatures of all kinds, has bloodwrath
Sitar: Rat captain of Xetill's army
Pyxis: Rat captain of Xetill's army, fanatic with fire
Graggle: fox, leader of a roving vermin gang
Drang: a stout in Graggle's gang

btw these are only the characters that are in the book so far

Thanks for the character descriptions!  Great story so far, keep 'em coming. 8) 

Quote from: hidenseek on May 14, 2014, 02:07:01 AM
Thanks for the character descriptions!  Great story so far, keep 'em coming. 8) 

thanks and welcome to the forum

Hey i saw your request asking me to give this a read, so i'll cut you a deal: I read yours if you read mine? ;) It's called The Origins of Simon, let me know what you think! The sequel is being released pretty soon so you'll be all caught up!

Now for what i think so far! I think your fanfic is getting better with each chapter, which is really good! However i think there's still more that you could be adding. Sometimes adding content can be tedious and difficult, so add detail instead. For example, what was a certain character wearing? If you just introduced them, what do they look like other than a "ragged otter" or "stout hedgehog" (just as random examples). Tell me what kind of creature they are, what are they doing? What do they normally do? Are they alone? Why? You want to introduce a new character like you're introducing yourself. There's much more to you than being a human! :)

Adding on to that, tell me about yourself! what are you looking to do with this fanfic? do you have a set plan a few chapters in advance? Do you have a certain goal you're trying to achieve? Focusing on these can help us get a feel for where you're coming from with what you write about, and it also gives you something to think about while writing!

Also try adding detail to the setting. for example, what was the weather like? what colors are the characters seeing? what do they smell, touch, taste and hear? what time is it? stuff like that. Pretty soon you'll be finding that you have a much beefier looking chapter than before with the same amount of things happening that you already did (this is a little trick I use, too. Shh, it's a secreat ;) )

I have read the origins of Simon and it is hands down the best fan-fiction I've read  ;D
and thanks for the advice

Keep writing!  I'm enjoying your Fan Fiction!  :D

Thanks  ;D

right now I don't have time to make a new chapter but ill try to as soon as possible

I finally have time


Most of the still sleepy abbey creatures were herded through the abbey gate with
Sul, Duston, Hiro and Skipper urging them along. Dibbuns, who had a fun and wild time the day before, and were almost asleep on their paws. "hurr, why we be'in leavin the h'abby, zurr?"
"We must baby Rocko." said Abbot Hiro said wearily
Sul and Duston were the only two fully awake, with Sul looking at the lawn and into the forest to the north. Duston was caught up in his thoughts mostly. Why had Martin asked them to leave the abbey? Who was this new menace Martin had spoke of? "Duston, Duston!
"hmm?"
"come on, everyobeasts almost out." exclaimed Duston's friend Roland, a squirrel like him.
"oh, we better hurry"
Specter's plan was working efficiently. The grapples went over without a hitch, and Specter was over in an instant, Pyxis and Sitar not far behind.
Specter looked over the lawns at the abbey of Redwall, battle-hardened as he was awed at the stone building. But that didn't last long, he saw movement over by the north wallgate. Looking closer he hissed quietly "Pyxis, you see that over by the north wallgate."
"Yeah."
"Shoot it." Specter hissed again as Pyxis fitted an arrow to his bow.
Duston and Roland were just about out when an arrow just scratched Roland's cheek.
"Run toward the gate!" Duston yelled as he unstrung his bow.
As another arrow whizzed by Duston, he let off his shot and started running to the gate.
Xetill could hear commotion as one of his rats finished unlatching the gate.
The entirety of Xetill's force charged after the fleeing squirrel. but Xetill called off the charge, the gates had just closed, besides he had what he wanted, Redwall abbey.
Xetill met Specter soon after in Great Hall. "So, your plan worked, I've sent Pyxis to go get the rest of the army." said Xetill
"My plans always work."
"So they do Specter."
Just then Sitar entered, "Emperor Xetill, there is no one inside or outside the abbey"
"Of course there isn't dimwit," Xetill said distainfully "I just made you search because I wanted to know how long it would take you to understand that there wouldn't be anybeast"
Specter sniggered. "How did Sitar become a captain?"
"By helping lead my force against a lizard horde, he fought exceptionally well"
"hmph"

Another good chapter!

Just some friendly advice: when you were telling how tired the Dibbuns were, instead of saying: "and were almost asleep standing up", it might sound better if you say: "And were nearly falling asleep on their paws."  ;)

I think I changed, maybe
Anyway thanks...again

Midnight and Silvin had come upon the road when the sun had just made it over the horizon when they were within 30 paces of the Abbey when several arrows came to bring them to the Dark Forest. Midnight, being used to sudden attacks similar to this one easily dodged the arrows, Silvin wasn't as used to the same circumstances and took an arrow to his left flank. Midnight returned fire while urging Silvin to the ditch "How badly are you hurt"
"Just a scratch, wish I had a ranged weapon though"
Midnight hit one archer, causing him to fall to the ground, taking a swift look at his fallen adversary, he saw the traditional, Empiric armor.
he and Silvin made it to the ditch about 20 seconds after the attack started
"What happened, they were supposed to be peaceful?!" Said Silvin, almost shouting
"They weren't those Redwall creatures you told me about, it was Xetill's horde"
" No way"
"Way"
"It just can't-" Silvin said disbelievingly when suddenly an arrow went slightly over the ditch and exploded in a ball of fire.
"Napalm arrows, Pyxis's specialty" Midnight commented dryly as he and Silvin made their way to Mossflower
Pyxis stood on the battlements as he watched the meadow begin to catch alight
"you know Xetill wants him alive right?" asked a soldier also watching the blaze
"He'll live" Pyxis and the soldiers on the ramparts turned to see Xetill looking at the burning meadow as well"Well... you better hope he lives anyway, or you will pay a price worse than death, Pyxis"
"Emperor, you know he will live, that mouse is the luckiest beast on the planet" "And has skills that nearly match yours"
"Well said Pyxis, well said"
Suddenly, a figure was spotted in the ditch "Sir!"
"I know, its Specter"
Midnight and Silvin were almost to the forest when the gray fox caught up with them, Midnight turned to face the fox and said quite calmly despite the situation "Well Specter, a duel I expect.
"Why of course, wasn't it obvious"
"It was" Midnight said drawing his katana, taking a peek at the fire rapidly approaching them
Specter drew his own two katanas' and immediately began pushing Midnight back with rapid, but tactical attacks. Midnight wasn't able to parry without exposing one part of his body to Specter's unrelenting attacks, so he was forced to dodge backward. Midnight then spotted an opportunity and dodging to the side instead of backward was able to get a gash across Specter's face, momentarily stunning him. That was all the time Midnight needed, he ran off just as the fire reached Specter. once in the safety of the forest he looked back at a creepy scene of fire licking at Specter as he stood looking at Midnight. Their eyes connected and Midnight saw the light of insanity glowing in the eyes of Specter. Seeing enemy soldiers approaching the scene of battle he headed into the woods.


A new chapter
YAY

It's a little fast-paced still, but I keep looking forward to what happens next!

I try not to, it just comes out that way
As Sul and Duston were getting their much needed rest, Skipper had a conference with the abbot, "I'm getting that abbey back Abbot, I respect Martin's word and all, but all of these creatures you see before you have grown up in the abbey, t'aint right to make them leave like that"
Abbot Hiro sighed, "I understand your words Skipper, but Martin saved all of the creatures of the abbey with his warning."
"I know it is a risk Abbot, but I need to fight for peace, and im not having Redwall fight alone, im going to send some of my warriors to the Guosim and the Long Patrol."
"Very well, Skipper"
Suddenly, an otter sentry yelled a warning as a squirrel and a mouse with black fur walked calmly into the camp "Halt," the otter said "who are you?"
"don't remember me Sven?"
"Silvin?"
"Aye"
Immediately, the otter's demeanor changed to one of friendliness "What are you doing back here friend"
"Midnight here will explain, right Midnight"
"These are the creatures of Redwall, are they not" Midnight commented
"Aye Midnight, these are the creatures or Redwall"
After some time of greetings and both parties had relayed both of their stories, Skipper, Sul, Midnight, and Silvin had a counsel of war.
"Midnight and I will lead the main force to the West wallgate, to distract the forces as Silvin leads a much smaller force of creatures to the East wallgate, and hopefully all of the enemy forces will be concentrated on us." Skipper said
"Smart plan, but I don't leave hope in my plans, I say only squirrels in the infiltration force, Sul, if it is not to much to ask"
Duston, who had been eavesdropping on the war plans immediately showed himself and practically begged to be part of the infiltration force "Father, may I please go, please father, please!"
Sighing, Sul said with obvious regret "Yes, because there is no point with arguing with a exhilarated young creature, you would probably go whether I said yes or no, just please stay safe and listen more experienced creatures before you rush into the hands of the enemy"
"Thank you father, I wish I could promise you something in return-"
"You could, by not getting yourself killed"
"I wont get myself killed father, I promise on my bow"
Crux, a captain in Xetill's horde watched in awe as Specter was treated to the burns on his left side and scar on his face, a smile was spread across the fox's face. Smidge, the healer was also surprised by such behavior, momentarily the smile vanished as Specter said "Stop staring at me Crux, have you never seen a madbeast before". Crux was out of the infirmary in no time at all.
Smidge wasn't scared by the comment at all though, he knew of Specter's insanity long before anyone else did, though he didn't think it was so bad, the light in his eyes that almost never vanished had told him as much. Xetill came in then to behold his second, "You weren't to chase him, Specter"
The smile now disappeared for good and Specter sat up"I know, but it was too long since my blades tasted blood"
"Good enough reason to stay in command, though if you killed him, I would kill you right here and now, torture wont have its desired effects on you, would it."
"Of course not"

Another chapter where Specter's insanity is shown in full, and the creatures of Redwall plan their first attack.

you're doing a good job writing! This is a story I'm gonna follow to the end for sure!

     Tide walked along the forest to the river, it was his job to find the Guosim shrews, wherever they were, Redwall needed help. The crickets chirped in the night, the only other thing sound being the leaves crunching under his feet.
     It was nearing dawn when he approached the river, but he was not tired, he had slept all last day to keep himself awake now, suddenly a clash of metal on metal alerted him to a nearby battle. After a few more clashes, he pinpointed the sound and hurried off in that direction.
                                                 At about the same time, the infiltration force were watching the east wall as the guards ran off to the west wall gate, Silvin smiled, the plan was working, Duston was feeling slight reluctance at going up though, as the screams of the dead and dying reached his ears from the other side of the Abbey. Silvin called to the 12 squirrels that had joined him, "scale the nearest trees, we have to find one that we can jump from and get back on to if there is any trouble on the wall top."
      The squirrels replied with all manner of words, all meaning yes. Trees were scaled, a few could reach the wall top, but none could allow a squirrel to get back to the trees, until finally, Roland found one right above the wall gate. The other squirrels rushed to the tree. "Nice work friend Duston called to his friend"
  "Thanks"
   Silvin was already on the wall top by the time every one even got on the tree. "come on, we don't have much time, Duston, Roland, keep them in check, im going to open the gate for the rest of them."
  "That's suicide!" exclaimed Roland
  "Still going for it, for Redwall!" The warrior squirrel yelled as he ran along the walltops to the west wall gate
     Midnight watched as another rat fell to his arrow, things were not going well for the attackers, many had fallen to the enemy already. "Quite a force eh" commented the skipper as the he let fly a sling stone, hitting a weasel squarely betwixt the eyes.
     "Look!" Sven called, "The gates are opening!"
     "Charge!" yelled the skipper to his forces. So they did.


The attack has started, and I finally made a chapter after about two months, I like describing battles  :P

Nice chapter! Hope to see more.

     The charging otters took almost no casualties in the assault but when Sven and three other otters reached the gate, an ash colored fox appeared, jumping from the walltop to crush one of the otters underfoot, breaking his spine.
     The other three surrounded Specter as he pulled out both katanas. Deflecting all attacks thrown at him, he stabbed one otter in the chest, pulling it out to deflect an attack from Sven. As he was in a stalemate between Sven and another otter, a brother mouse tried to stab him through, only to be decapitated.
     Skipper watched in anger as friend after friend was slain, until he cancelled the charge and Sven alone remained. As the gates closed, Specter cut off his head and threw it outside to land in the ditch.


  Duston watched as Silvin opened the gate, then be beat down by veritable horde of rats, ferrets and weasels. Several horde beasts had realized the squirrel had had come from somewhere and, having found where, charged at Duston and the squirrels in the infiltration force, at its head was Virgo, a brute that could rival a badger in strength.
     As Roland and Duston put arrow after arrow into the beast of a weasel, the others escaped to the trees, slowly Duston and Roland back to the parapet as the charging creature closed in on them.
     Roland jumped first, turning a putting arrow into the chest of the weasel, Then Duston jumped just as Virgo tried to ram him off the parapet, falling off instead, hitting the ground hard. As Duston got down from the tree, he saw  Roland looking down at corpse of the dead Virgo, "Wow," said Roland "I cant believe its dead, I shot 20 arrows into him but he kept coming"
"Same" commented Duston, he was not the same squirrel that had begged to be part of the infiltration force, he had seen war, and death

      Specter smiled, he had killed so many Redwallers that any bloodlust he had was washed away, Xetill walked up to him, "Good work, you were meant to kill, Sitar, get a crew to clean this up, Specter, with me" as he and Specter walked along the walltops, Xetill described what he wanted his second to do "get Corvus to fly around and find where the Redwallers are hiding."
      As if on queue, the small crow landed on Specter's shoulder, the gray fox whispered the command in Corvus's ear and gave him a piece of the decapitated mouse. Without a word the bird flew off in search of the Rewallers, silhouetted against the moonlight. Xetill continued along the walltop until reached the spot where Virgo fell, he looked down in distain, "dumb brute, what a pity though."


"Slightly" bending the laws of gravity, (like that you don't break your legs after jumping 20 feet or so downward) I have come up with a new chapter.