This is my first fanfiction, and I would love to know how I'm doing. Please feel free to point out any errors or unclear parts, or tell me if I'm doing well...
The Vermin Warrior Ch.1
Stashi sat high in the tree she had climbed, her bright green eyes watching the clouds drifting by. The wind danced playfully through her fur, which was more golden than red. The young fox gazed up at a flock a birds as they flew by, she stretched her paw up and wished dearly that she was flying with them, far away from the vermin camp below.
She continued to watch birds pass by, swooping through the air with born grace and beauty. She was an odd fox, shunned by most of the vermin horde, the Foeslayers. But she was happy with that, for she didn't take to the ways of a vermin. Stashi smiled lightly as the wind ruffled her fur, and imagined she had wings. Big ones, powerful ones, fast ones. Wings that could lift her up into the air and carry her far away from the merciless vermin. She would be a traveler, one who roamed the lands freely without a care in the world. Maybe she would visit different places she had heard of, such as Redwall Abbey. She didn't know if it truly existed, but was fascinated by the stories she had heard. A place full of honest warriors, untouched by the foul, dark ways that vermin always took to.
She was snatched out of her daydreams by a harsh voice drifting up to her from below, "Ey, Stashi! C'mon down 'ere, ye' Foeslayer!" Her ears twitched with annoyance at being called a Foeslayer, and she climbed down the tree with skill and speed. She landed neatly in from of a large rat. It was Bragg, son of Chief Scar Deathtrident, leader of the Foeslayers. Both father and son were former sea rats, leaving the open waters and ships to come inland, where food, slaughter, and power was easy to come by. The big rat leaned on his spear, sneering at the young fox, "Stashi, You're a fool if'n ye' think I'm not on to ye'!" He growled, his voice low menacing. Stashi tilted her head to the side curiously, "And pray, tell, what am I up to?" She questioned. Bragg laughed in a way that sent shivers down her spine, "Don't play stupid, fox! We all know that you don't like it 'ere, it's obvious. But if ye' even think about leaving us, yore dead! A vermin born into the Foeslayers stays for life, the only way out is death. You cannot leave us, you bear the mark of a Foeslayer." He said, pawing the large scar on his right cheek. It was in the shape of an X, a mark that all Foeslayers bore, "Foeslayers must be loyal to their leader, an' that's my father, Scar Deathtrident! If I were to suspect that one of us was disloyal to my beloved father, I would speak up. And Scar doesn't handle rebels too kindly. Just remember what happens to those who break trust or try to run off, haharharhar!" He chuckled evilly, pointing to his left where several dead vermin lay. They were a reminder to all who stood against Scar Deathtrident and His mighty horde of Foeslayers!
This is pretty good, though you should write each quote as a seperate paragraph to make conversation easier to read. Example:
"My name is Bob," said Bob.
"That's nice," said the magical catfish.
Thank you, I'll do that next time. :)
Okay, first the SPAG portion.
1 --- You already know that evertime speakers change, it's a new paragraph for dialogue.
2 --- drifting by. The wind --- Beware of prepositions at the end of a sentence. Readers are drawn into the next sentence and that can confuse your readers.
3 --- Add a blank line between paragraphs. This is for ease of reading. On a short work like this, it isn't too bad, but imagine something over a thousand words.
4 --- Watch out for exclamation points. Used too often and the reader turns them into fancy periods. Make sure they are used to denote something extreme. Otherwise, use dialogue tags.
5 --- yore dead --- Wrong word, should be you're. yore = in the past
I would liken this to a first draft, a general idea written down as a memory jogger. It needs expansion and a focal point. Most important, develop your POV. Most writers go with third person omnipotent, but that can take a lot of suspense out of your story. It also changes your story into one that is told, not shown. Better that you set yourself in one character's POV and stick with that for the duration of the chapter.
Just a hint for multi-chaptered stories. Most authors have a very rigid structure. Describe a scene, introduce a character, bring in another character, some dialogue, end with conflict. Readers learn this and tend to scan down to the initial line of dialogue for the action. Mix it up just to keep your readers alert.
The segment on Stashi is an info-dump. Good to know, but don't tell us everything in the first paragraph. Tease the readers by giving it out little by little, as needed.
As I said, not a bad first draft work. With some effort, you can have a top notch introduction chapter here.
Thank you, that is really helpful. With the whole "yore dead" part, I was just trying to make that sound like a part of his accent... oops :P probably not gonna focus so much on accents, I'm not too good with them.
I can spot errors, and it's a text blob.
This is really awesome! :)
Boy, this sure seems familiar. . . It sounds like my first attempt at writing a "book".
Don't be discouraged, though! Like Cairn said: First draft. The first draft of my previously stated "book" was probably only 300 words long and so fast-paced that I blinked several times reading back. Of course that was many years ago, but still. I have re-written that draft several times, and it is on its way to a more complete work.
This story seems a bit of a cliche of Redwall fanfic writers: good vermin, far different from the "rest of them", but I've seen ideas work like that, so I urge you to keep writing. ;)
New chapter, hope it's good...
The Vermin Warrior Ch. 2
Stashi sat by a small fire, roasting a fish she had caught in the river not far from the camp. More fires were scattered around her, vermin who had caught their own dinner sat around them. A big, tough looking fox came and sat across from Stashi, eyeing her food hungrily.
"Ah, tis a hard life. No food for a hungry guard, I'm dying!" He said. Stashi pulled out her dagger, her other paw holding the stick her fish was impaled on.
"Get your own food, fox." She growled softly. The fox returned her glare, his paw wandering over to the axe slung across his back.
"Don't talk to me like that. It's my food now, or are you gonna fight me for it?" He said, obviously entertained by the idea of a small, young fox fighting him. Stashi held her dagger up, a dangerous light in her eyes.
"I'll fight for what's mine, you lazy coward. Now find your own food or somebeast who might back down to a bully." She said. The fox seemed taken aback, unused to a vermin that didn't do as he ordered. Then he snarled, pulling his axe out and standing up.
"Why you little... come here, I'll show you the color of your insides!" He howled. Stashi lept up, dropping the fish and holding her daggers up in a defensive stance. Just as the big fox held back his axe to swing, a piercing scream sounded out. The scream was followed by wicked laughter.
Several Foeslayers walked into the camp, dragging two little shrews behind them. The shrews struggled, wailing in fright for their mothers. This caused much laughter among the vermin camp. A ferret stepped outside a giant, decorated tent in the middle of the camp, taking a quick peek around before speaking up.
"Wot' s goin' on here?" He called out to the rats who had captures the two young ones. The rats laughed and called back to the ferret.
"We got ourselves some prisoners, two liddle shrew babes. Gonna eat them, maybe." One said. The shrews shrieked and went still with horror. The ferret ducked back inside for a second. Reappearing shortly after.
"Chief Scar Deathtrident would like to talk to the liddle maggots, bring 'em in here!" He yelled over to them. The rats hesitated, disappointed to be robbed of their feast, yet too fearful to disobey. They dragged the shrews into the tent. The fox who had been intent on slaying Stashi earlier lost interest and trotted quickly over to the tent, holding his ear to it and listening.
After a while, the ferret reappeared, calling to all the Foeslayers.
"We take these as prisoners, anybeast who lays a paw on them will get it chopped off. Tie them to a tree and post two guards to watch them overnight. With any luck, they'll tell us where their camp is." He called. The rats who had caught them earlier sat by a fire, muttering among themselves angrily.
Stashi finished off her fish and went to go climb a tree. As she passed by his fire, Bragg stood up and blocked her way.
"Wherever you think you're going, stop. You'll be watching these liddle shrews tonight, and don't let them escape... or else!" He said. Stashi nodded.
"Yes... sir." She said, brushing past him to find the little shrews tied to a tree. They held onto each other fearfully, whimpering and crying. A stoat glanced over at her.
"Right, you take first watch, I'll sleep." He said. Stashi sighed and nodded, glancing down at the shrews. She couldn't help but feel bad for them as they whined, they were little over babes.
As the sun sank, and the moon rose high into the sky, fires began to burn low. The stoat lay snoring at her side, other than Stashi, no one was awake. She shivered, pulling her dark, pine green cloak tighter to herself. The two shrews slept, whimpering in their nightmares as she stared down at them. She pulled off her cloak and covered them with it. No babe should have to be held prisoner to Scar and his vermin horde. She sighed and sat next to them, watching them snuggle closer to the cloak. She could untie them, let them go and blame it on the stoat. But no, they were too little to survive, and waking them would only make them cry and wake the whole camp up.
She shook her head, then used her daggers to cut carefully through the rope. She tucked the cloak around them and gently scooped them up. She would run away with them, find their family and return them. Then she would take to the life of traveling. She started to back away when a cold, metal blade rested itself against the back of her neck.
"Where are you going, vermin?" A low, grating voice asked her. She froze with fear, then started reaching for her dagger.
"Away... forever. Look, don't try stopping me, fool. I'm tired of your murdering ways, I can't stand it any longer. I'm not a coward, like everyone else, ok? Don't make me kill you!" She warned. The voice laughed quietly.
"Turn around." It said. Stashi turned slowly, then stopped and stared at the shrew who stood before her. He had the look of a warrior, yet she could tell he used his skills for good, never killing innocent creatures. She hesitated.
"Who are you?" She asked. The shrew smiled, sheathing his shortsword.
"Call me Log-a-log, Guosim leader. And well spoken, young 'un, you just saved your life. Give me those babes, I'll carry them. Come with me, I'll help you for saving my sons." He said, running through the forest at a quick pace. Stashi followed him, but not without asking questions.
"I'm Stashi, pleased to meet you. What's Guosim? Where are we going? Why did you come? Why are you helping me?" She asked. Log-a-log held up his paw for silence.
"So many questions, Stashi. All will be answered in the morning, just follow me, we've a long way to go." He said. They ran in silence for what seemed to Stashi like eternity. Hours went by as they made their way through the dark forest, not stopping for anything.
Thanks :) I guess I just like foxes and want to make them good characters. I'm planning on having Stashi be more of a grey character once the storyline begins to pick up...
Modify button at the top right of your post.
When you're posting another chapter in a fanfic or new art in a thread it's alright, but usually the mods don't like it when we double post. :)
Nice chapter; I'd like to see where this story brings me. Though, once again, I can see the ideas there, they just need some expanding. :) I do like some grey characters on occasion. Keep it up.
Thank you, I might write some more tomorrow if I have time...
Yes, very nice! Great job!
THIS IS THE BEST STORY EVER! MOOOORE, WRITE MORE!!! ;D
Awww, thanks! ;D I'll write more when I have time. (A little busy at the moment.)
This is great :) I like it and your style is very good!
;D ;D ;DThank you very much! I try my best to write like Brian Jacques...
Well, here's chapter 3...
The Vermin Warrior Ch. 3
Stashi woke sometime during late morning. What had happened the night before was all a blur. She had stumbled into a camp right along side Log-a-log, there were fires. Faces surrounded her, some were mad, some scared, some confused. One face stood out, twisted with anger. Stashi remembered there being a sword, flashing through the air. Then the back of Log-a-log's head. She had heard him yelling something, then everything went black.
Stashi yawned and stretched, not bothering to open her eyes. There was a creaking noise, and she could feel herself rocking back and forth gently. Every now then there was a splash, or a gruff voice muttering something she could not hear. Her eyes opened and she tried standing up only to be pushed back down again by Log-a-log, who was sitting next to her
"Stay where you are, Stashi." He said, then grabbed an oar and began to row again. She looked around her, sitting up slightly. She was on a logboat, many shrews sat on benches and rowed. Two logboats were behind the one she was in, all three of them containing shrews who argued non-stop.
"Where am I?" Stashi asked.
"On a logboat, you're with the Guosim now. But don't try anything funny, vixen, or you'll be sorry. We don't like vermin, they're murderers and thieves. Why
I'm helping you, I don't know. You may have saved my sons, but that doesn't mean we trust you." He said, staring straight ahead of him. Stashi peered over the side of the boat, watching as a fish swam by.
"What's the Guosim? And why are you helping me if you don't trust me?" She asked. The shrew sighed.
"Guosim? That's the Guerrilla Union Of Shrews In Mossflower. Where are you from?" He questioned. Stashi let her paw hang over the side of the boat, letting the cold, clear water run over it.
"Where I'm from is none of your concern, that's my business not yours. Where are we going?" She asked. The shrew shrugged.
"We're on our way to Redwall Abbey, we heard-" he was cut short by Stashi gasping.
"Redwall Abbey? It's real, it really exists?" She said, trying hard to conceal the excitement in her voice. Among the Foeslayers, excitement or joy was considered a sign of weakness. The shrew nodded.
"Aye, it's real. But we heard word of a vermin camp nearby so we went to see for ourselves. That's when my sons went missing. You saved them from that very vermin camp, so I thought I would repay you. I also wanted more information on the vermin, it looked like a mighty horde. We're on our way to Redwall to warn them of a vermin horde not far off. What do you know of these vermin?" He said.
"Ah, they would be the Foeslayers. They are a growing horde, led by Scar Deathtrident. He and His son, Bragg, are both former searats with no mercy. I couldn't let them hurt the babes to get information." Stashi said, absent mindedly tracing the scar on her cheek. The shrew nodded.
"And where are they going?" He asked. Stashi shrugged.
"I could only guess, Scar and Bragg don't tell ordinary horde members information like that. If Redwall is close, then I'm thinking they're heading for the abbey." She said. Log-a-log nodded.
"That's what I was thinking... and how did you become a Foeslayer? You don't seem like a normal vermin." He asked. Stashi sighed, shaking her head.
"I was born into the Foeslayers, I had no choice. Once a vermin becomes one of them, They're a Foeslayer for life, there's no way out. When a vermin joins, they're given a scar so they can always tell each other apart from other vermin who haven't joined the horde. The scar looks like this." She said, turning her face so Log-a-log could see the scar clearly. The shrew chieftain shook his head, a look of disgust on his face.
"They do that to babes? If I ever meet the coward who would do that, I'll make him pay." He said. Stashi shrugged.
"That's a vermin for you, pure evil." She said. The rest of the morning was spent in silence as the river gently swept the logboats away.
**********
Old Abbot Thibb looked around Redwall Abbey one last time, where had those naughty babes gone off to? He had checked everywhere he could think of, and worry was beginning to gnaw at the old abbot. As Sister Fisk passed him, he stopped her.
"Fisk, my friend, any luck with finding those dibbuns?" He asked, looking rather frightened. The poor sister shook her head.
"No such luck, Thibb. Deary me, where could they have gone? I sure hope they've not gotten out into the woodlands, poor things. It makes me sick, the things they do! It's not age greying my whiskers, it's those two dibbuns who always seem to get in trouble!" She said, stomping her paw. The good abbot put a comforting paw around the worried mouse.
"There, there, no need to upset yourself, Fisk. If they don't turn up by tomorrow, I'll send Skipper and his crew to go look for them. It'll be alright, my friend. How about we have some tea up on the walls, it's a lovely view." He smiled at her.
Fisk smiled back, then scurried off to prepare tea. The abbot slowly walked along the abbey grounds taking in the beauty of the day. The sun shone brilliantly against the ancient stones of Redwall Abbey. Birds sang their joyfully songs as flowers bloomed in many magnificent colors. Bees droned lazily through the air and dibbuns ran around sqealing and giggling as they played.
Abbot Thibb smiled as he took his time appreciating the glorious day. He made his way up the stairs of the outer abbey walls. He sat waiting for his friend to arrive with tea. And soon she did, carrying a tray of food up the stairs and setting it down as she explained what she had brought.
"There's the tea, some shortbread, oatfarls, and that cheese you like. The one with the flaked almonds in it. Oh dear, I hope I haven't forgotten anything." She said. The abbot smiled warmly at the kind sister.
"No Fisk, this is perfect the way you made it. No need to go running around the abbey for some tea." He said. The sister sat and they ate the small meal together. Soon, Abbot Thibb began to doze off. As he slept, he saw the figure of a mouse coming towards him and knew it was Martin The Warrior. He smiled and listened as the warrior mouse spoke to him.
Quote from: Eulaliaaa! on January 17, 2015, 06:35:11 AM
;D ;D ;DThank you very much! I try my best to write like Brian Jacques...
My advice is, create your own style and don't be a Brian Jacques clone. Just my two cents.
I'll do chapter three later. Consider that either a threat or promise -- (grin)
Second chapter comments:
1 --- Big improvement on the appearance, much easier reading.
2 --- Good pace to the story, though I'm thinking you in a hurry to get to the action.
3 --- A bit of a logic error with the guard. He is part of the tribe, which means all will be fed, especially somebody performing a valuable service. The guard might go for more via theft.
4 --- Logic error, no guards for the camp? You have one assigned to the prisoners and nobody else? They are in hostile territory and have hostages. At least the chief should have anticipated a rescue attempt. If you did have a trap set for the shrews in chapter three, than well done.
5 --- yet she could tell he used his skills for good --- I don't think so. What makes this visible? At this point, Stashi might recognize the stance of a warrior, she might have an idea regarding his skill, but not his nature.
6 --- As I've warned you before, overuse of the exclamation point is removing its value. Best you either eliminate it or limit its use to once per chapter.
7 --- but not without asking questions --- Redundant, the very next segment is dialogue and it is nothing but the obvious questions.
8 --- Log-a-log held up his paw for silence. --- The dialogue is Stashi's, keep to her. It is also redundant based on the dialogue that follows. If you wish to keep this, modify it to remain in Stashi's POV --- She ceased asking questions when the shrew signalled silence.
SPAG:
1 --- I'm dying!" He said. --- The words "He said," is a dialogue tag. It is part of the prior dialogue and the proper punctuation is always a comma. --- I'm dying, he said.
2 --- fox." She growled softly --- Dialogue tag, should be --- fox," she growled softly
3 --- me for it?" He said --- Dialogue tag punctuation is always a comma. You define the question via the tag ---- me for it," he asked
4 --- lept up -- Spelling, should be leapt up. Use that computer word speller. I admit to turning mine off during first drafts since the story is the main focus. However, always check it before posting.
5 --- shortsword -- Two words, short sword
I'll be the first to admit it took me time learning about dialogue tags. Just remember if the line following the dialogue identifies the speaker or gives a qualifier to the words, such as he shouted, than it is a tag.
Though not a problem here, be aware that pronouns have a way of causing confusion if used too often. Don't be afraid of using the character's name. For example, why isn't the bully identified? He should be known to Stashi since he is a member of her tribe.
Thank you for pointing those things out to me, it's really helpful :)
Top hole, wot wot! This is AWESOME!!!! :)
Thanks wot! ;D
I see you have a preference to the paragraph indent style. Nothing wrong with it. I've seen both it and the more current style, the block, used. It is nothing more than appearance.
1 --- along side -- Compound word, should be alongside. I do admit spell checkers will miss these kind of things. Best suggestion, if you think it is compounded, write it as one word. If the spell checker red lines it, it isn't suppose to be done as a compound.
2 --- logboat -- This time the word isn't a compound word. Should be log boat. Again, this is something even spellcheckers can miss.
3 --- The shrew sighed -- Should be in the next paragraph. Dialogue remains in one character's perspective. This line is from the shrew's POV.
4 --- You have missed so many dialogue tags that all I can do is suggest you read my prior comments. The most common one is (character) said. All will quantify the voice or qualify the speaker. Proper punctuation is always a comma regardless of the sentence. When you do a question, the dialogue tag defines it as a question, such as (character) asked.
5 --- Stashi was born into the horde, she would see the scar not as an evil, but a mark of pride or solidarity. She should have, or had, a tight bond with her tribe. This is a logic error.
6 --- The idea of marking is not unusual in human tribes, so this is an excellent idea in the story. However, you might want to rethink the baby idea. The marking might be done as a sign of adulthood and maturity. This makes it something special, not evil.
7 --- Always remember, no character goes out to be deliberately evil. They always see some reason to justify their actions. She might not like the marking, but would never call it an evil act.
8 --- Nice use of the POV shift. Some sites allow extra space as the POV shift. Many don't and some breaker should be used. The centered dots, dashes, and tides are the most common.
9 --- as she explained what she had brought -- You do this via the following dialogue so don't repeat it here. This is what I sometimes call murder most foul - of your story. It is a killer for whatever the dialogu reveals.
10 --- The abbot smiled warmly at the kind sister -- See item three.
11 --- This last sentence isn't much of a cliffhanger. A cliffhanger is a hook to catch the reader's interest and to draw him into the next chapter. The stronger the hook, the better. A possible suggestion: --- Soon, Abbot Thibb fell asleep. (avoid the preposition at the end of a sentence.) When he dreamed, he had a vision. (You leave out the reference to Martin the Warrior until the next chapter. Readers should be wondering what vision did he have.)
The story is progressing, but there are some holes in it. If Log-a-log doesn't trust the fox, he shouldn't be helping her. He might leave her alive and unharmed, but why does he take her? Why is she antagonistic to her rescuer? Some of this is of course for later chapters, but have a reason behind the character's actions. The idea is to have them act as they should based on your character description. I personally find it helpful interviewing my characters, but be warned. Sometimes you'll find your characters doing something you don't want them doing.
Thank you, I'll try to make things more clear when I'm writing the next chapter. I've been a bit busy lately, so I might not be able to write a whole lot.
Been a while, but here's the next chapter.
Ch. 4 The Vermin Warrior
Abbott Thibb watched as Martin the Warrior came forward through the thick mist, wielding his great sword and looking at him with his bright, shining eyes.
"Listen, good abbott, and your Abbey will survive a great war:
An army is coming to conquer and slay,
A vermin will come, don't turn her away,
Two dibbuns she saves from the bitter cold,
Several hours from now when the night is old,
My sword she shall wield to rescue Redwall,
She'll kill the vermin and save you all.
Martin began to fade back into the mist, and Abbott Thibb wandered through the peaceful land of dreams until he was awakened by a fly landing on his nose. He twitched his whiskers, sending it flying. He sat up, Sister Fisk shaking her head at him.
"Father Abbot, fancy you be sleeping while those two dibbuns are still missing. I've come up here to wake you and tell you that they're nowhere to be found," she said. Abbott Thibb got to his feet slowly.
"Oh dear, that means they must have gotten out into Mossflower Woods. I'll have Skipper gather up his crew and search for them. If only I could find him," the Abbott said. Sister Fisk smiled, shaking her head.
"Down by the Abbey pond, playing with the dibbuns, of course. Silly otter, he's worse than the dibbuns himself," she laughed. Abbott Thibb smiled, slowly making his way down the stairs.
"Yes, he is. But what would we do without him? He's very brave," he called over his shoulder to the mouse. She smiled and watched him go to the Abbey pond, where Skipper of otters was splashing around in the shallows with the dibbuns.
"Aagh, you little villains, you'll drown me. Mercy, mercy I say, spare me you young wretches," he bellowed, as dibbuns climbed onto his shoulders giggling.
"Gimme a piggyback ride, me wanna piggyback ride."
"I wanna swim, lemme go into the deep part, Mista Skipper."
"Toss me, toss me. I wanna fly inna air like a bird."
"Oho, you little ruffian. Leggo my ears. Ahoy maties, come join us." Skipper waved the Abbott over to him.
"No thank you Skipper, I'm afraid that I have a very serious matter to discuss. Would you mind speaking with me for a second or two?" He asked. Skipper nodded, pulling dibbuns off himself as he left the pond.
"You guard the pond without me, maties. Make sure no vermin come running around. Abbott Thibb, what's the matter?" Skipper asked. Abbott Thibb sighed, shaking his head.
"Two dibbuns have gone missing. We've searched everywhere and I think they may have gotten out into the woodlands. Would you gather up your crew and search for them? I'm very concerned," The Abbott said. Skipper nodded.
"Aye, I'll have them searching Mossflower, don't you worry your head about them, I'll find them," he said. Abbott Thibb smiled at the otter.
"You are a good friend, Skipper. I don't know what I'd do without your help," he said. Skipper laughed.
"Hahar, you know I'd do anything to help you, Abbott Thibb, don't go thanking me and all that. I'll be off now, and I'll have your dibbuns back safe and sound before you know it," he chuckled, running off to gather his crew. Abbott Thibb watched him go, then made his way to the kitchens where food could always be found.
*****
Log-a-log and his Guosim landed sometime during late afternoon, pulling their log boats ashore and walking off through the forest. Stashi kept close to Log-a-log, aware of the glares the Guosim were giving her. She wished she had her daggers, which where missing when she had woken up.
"Tell me, why are you helping me if you don't trust me. Your Guosim obviously wish to kill me, and you won't let them," she said. Log-a-log turned to her.
"I've told you several times now, you're not like the other vermin, Stashi. And you have information we need to fight this vermin horde. I'm taking you to Redwall, they'll know what to do with you and the information you give." He said. Stashi shook her head.
"You don't trust me, none of you Guosim trust me. Why am I not tied up? Is this how you treat all your captives? That is not very wise, especially with vermin," she said. Log-a-log sighed with frustration.
"This is not how I treat all my captives, and you have made no move to escape or attack, you are unarmed and not a threat to us. Now be quiet," he said. Stashi opened her mouth to ask more questions, but thought it better to remain silent. They continued to travel towards Redwall, walking through the peaceful woods.
Stashi looked around the forest, listening to birds songs and the soft rustling of leaves in the light breeze that danced through them. She stared at the flowers littering the ground daffodils, snapdragons, and tulips. She watched as a bird took off flying, disturbed by the Guosim's constant arguing.
"Guosim stop, we'll camp here for the night," Log-a-log called out. The Guosim stopped, setting up camp in the dying daylight. Stashi walked around, trying to ignore the looks from the Guosim. Soon, tents were set up and fires were blazing brightly into the night. Stashi huddled by one next to Log-a-log, who eyed her suspiciously.
"How do I know your not gonna run off while we sleep? I don't think I can trust you, no matter how kind you seem," he said. Stashi shrugged.
"And go where? Back to that vermin camp? No, I'm done with them, I'm never going back," she said. Log-a-log narrowed his eyes, then leaned back against the tree trunk he was sitting by.
"Very well. Ruggan, Grubb, first watch tonight. Everyone else get some sleep, we'll reach Redwall tomorrow. Don't try running Stashi, I'll be watching," he said.
Campfires died down, and shrews snores loudly as those who were watching began to fall asleep. That was when Stashi made her move. Creeping quietly through the maze of shrews and tents, she made her way out of the camp and into the forest. There, she took off running. Dashing through Mossflower wildly, those shrews would kill her, she was sure of it. In a vermin camp, looks like the ones she got meant death.
She stumbled over tree roots, panicked and lost. She heard yelling behind her, they knew she was missing. She looked back behind her, then tripped over something. It moved, screaming as she scrambled to her feet. It was a white blanket spread out over the forest floor, rushing towards her as it screamed even louder. She panicked, the Guosim yells getting closer. She cried out in fear as something grabbed hold of her footpaw and tripped her. Confusion broke out everywhere as Log-a-log tripped over her and several of his Guosim tripped over him. Stashi kicked out, looking for a way to escape from the white blanket and the Guosim.
Good work!
As Ash said above, don't worry about writing like Jacques. After all, one of the reasons his books are so popular is because he didn't write like everyone else. He wrote the way he wanted to. This is your story, don't be afraid write the way you're most comfortable with.
Please keep updating, this is a fun read so far.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I do have my own style, I just use his to try improving my writing. I will write whenever I have time. :)
This is really good :) very suspenseful and well written :D :D
One thing though, why would Log a log distrust Stashi and then not tie her up? Logic bomb.
*facepalm* I didn't give that much thought. He posted the two shrews to be on guard so no one attacked in the night and Stashi wouldn't run off. They were supposed to be watching, but fell asleep. It doesn't make a lot of sense, thank you for pointing that out.
Your welcome. And for editing, I find leaving the freshly written chapter as it is and come back to it a few hours later or the next day. You can spot mistakes now. The better thing to do is get a person to look at it and point out all the flaws. These methods help a lot with editing.
There are two small things of bother that i found in chapter four,
There is no indication that skipper lowered his voice when he started talking to the abbot, which means that he either yelled in the abbots face or was for some random reason, still talking to his maties, nitpicking, i know, it just bothered me a bit
No problem, thanks for pointing that out. I've been a little busy lately, I'll see if I can write another chapter soon.
According to my English teacher, some of the advice you have received is incorrect. Now it could be different in America so this is not necessarily true but a comma is not always the right punctuation to use at the end of speech. If it is a question then a question mark should be used, if it is an exclamation then you use an exclamation mark. However you do treat them as commas so you don't end the sentence with it or capitalise the next word after the speech.
Completely random example:
"Where are we going," he asked. - This would be incorrect; the correct punctuation would be:
"Where are we going?" he asked.
So the question mark would normally end a sentence but because it's dialogue you treat it as a comma.
Just something I noticed.
Pretty sure grammar and punctuation is the same here as in the UK, Jet. Standard writing procedures for a standard language, yes?
Oh no. Looks over what I've written and cringes, this story is terrible (good idea, has potential, but poorly written). I may try to re-write this one day, or just start another story and forget this.
Quote from: The Skarzs on June 18, 2015, 05:54:52 PM
Pretty sure grammar and punctuation is the same here as in the UK, Jet. Standard writing procedures for a standard language, yes?
I would presume so but I'm not going to say that that's definitely the case.
Yup. :P
Quote from: Eulaliaaa! on June 18, 2015, 06:03:39 PM
Oh no. Looks over what I've written and cringes, this story is terrible (good idea, has potential, but poorly written). I may try to re-write this one day, or just start another story and forget this.
Don't get discouraged.
Quote from: The Skarzs on June 18, 2015, 06:23:00 PM
Yup. :P
Quote from: Eulaliaaa! on June 18, 2015, 06:03:39 PM
Oh no. Looks over what I've written and cringes, this story is terrible (good idea, has potential, but poorly written). I may try to re-write this one day, or just start another story and forget this.
Don't get discouraged.
Actually, this encourages me to continue writing and improving. Looking back, I can already see the improvements I've made, and I want to keep getting better. :)
I think this is good. Though you've DEFINITELY improved a lot. You're amazing now :)
Thank you ;D