Warriors Call

[Captain Wortshire]

Okay Chaps

Here is the prologue of my first fanfic:

A lone hare walked on the path one winter evening leading to Redwall Abbey. He was tall for his species, wearing a dusty green tunic which had seen better days, a brown cloak which served as protection against rain and snow, a pouch in which he carried his few possessions, and stout ash stick. Pausing for a moment, he stared at the sandstone walls and murmured to himself, "Good ol' Redwall.".

Brother Rimbert the gatehouse keeper was still rubbing sleep from his eyes when he heard the banging at the main gates, after lighting a lantern, donning a cloak and stifling a yawn, he said as he shuffled to the gates, "Alright, alright I'm coming!" He opened the gates and peered out at the hooded figure, "Yes what can I do..." He started, but stopped when the figure said, "Come on, don't tell me you don't recognize me Brother." and removed his hood "Oh you!" Brother Rimbert exclaimed opening the gates wider, "How good it is to see you, quick come inside!"

The two walked across the snowy lawn conversing with each other,
"I'm afraid they you missed supper, we ate several hours ago."
"Ah, that's not bad I'll just ask the cook to make me a light snack and I'll eat in the kitchen, just so I don't bother anyone in their sleep, doncha know."
"You won't have too, this evening everyone is staying up tonight to listen to stories, poems and songs and there will be some refreshments too!"
"Hmm, so I came just the right time, wot!"

Cavern Hole was filled to the brim with every sort of woodland creatures from the surrounding area, mice, squirrels, moles, otters, hedgehogs, voles, shrews and a few hares, were seated all around eating and drinking till satisfied. The dibbuns thought this to be very exciting, they hardly ever stopped moving and an old mouse was trying to keep them in order,
"Buggins! Take your pudding bowl off your head this very instant!"
"But h'ive li'kd et clean so me's don't get durty!"
"Dobin! May you please stop eating from everyone else's bowls.
"I will, but willya pleeze tell Florice to give me back me mug."
"Florice, will you please give Dobin his mug back, here I give you both some more strawberry cordial."
Suddenly a voice boomed out, "What ho, good to be back among friends, I heard that there is going to be stories told, wot wot!" Every one turned to the direction of the voice, and almost every one started speaking at the same time,
"Well strike me rudder, so you have returned again!"
"Golly, I thought that you were long gone to your rest by now!"
"Hurr, oi surpose yurl be wanting sum refreshmurnts."
"Are ya go'in to tell a us story mista!"
The hare looked at the dibbun and said, "Bless my soul, you want a story from me do you?"
After looking around sternly at the silence that followed, he softened, smiled and continued, "Because that is what you'll jolly well have, wot!" The dibbuns cheered and stampeded to their places. The old mouse pushed a chair to him saying, "Here is your place, I'll get some oat scones and October ale for you." He sat on the chair, received his plate of food with a nod of thanks, and after he nibbled a scone and took a sip of October ale, he started,
"Friends, I hope you are very comfortable, for I shall tell you a story that started within these very walls, a tale of friendship, courage, love, fear, joy and sorrow, a story of long ago...

PLZ Review my first bloom'in fanfic (wot, wot)

Signed Captain Wortshire

💀

A

A Clue!!!

V unir orra n

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[Lady Ashenwyte]

Ooh, this fanfic was a delight to read. I liked it, though some of the dialogue tags could have been removed, and maybe some more punctuation. Now, accents may be a quick and easy way to make characters have more character, but I would recommend removing them for a cleaner read and an easier write.

[Wylder Treejumper]

Very good, excellent writing. Captures the style of writing nicely. Also, it's good to see a newbie that writes with proper form (no run on sentences, correct capitalization, etc.). Very polished. Just got a couple of suggestions: add tags to the end of dialogue (not necessarily words like "said", "exclaimed", etc., but action tags), and try refining the accents a bit. The dibbuns' accents come off a bit sharper than normal.

Otherwise, excellent work!

[Hickory]

I agree with Wylder and Ash, with the exception of some puncuation and minor grammar mistakes it's good writing!

I tend to find that short paragraphs detailing a lot of things - like your first paragraph - shove a crapton of information down the reader's throat in a short time. A nice, slow intro would be better; perhaps a paragraph talking about the silence of the white snow-covered land. The second paragraph would have the hare breaking the silence, sprinkling in some detail of things like "the snow crumpled underneath the travelers paw" or sump'n. You'd talk about his clothes first, then perhaps the build of the hare, then to his actual belongings in the bag.

Just some advice. Don't take it to heart like I do.

[Captain Tammo]

Awesome, I always love a new fanfic!

How exactly do you plan do deliver this story? Are you going to try sticking to how the original books were written, write purely in your own style, or maybe a bit of both? This will give us a better idea as to what you're about!

Looking forward to a great story, Captain, Wortshire!

[Captain Wortshire]

To Captain Tammo: If you want to know, my fellow Captain, I feel like I'm doing a mixture of both (wot, wot).
To everyone else: Thanks for all your tips and reviews.

Chapter one needs a little bit more polishing then its done.

Signed Captain Wortshire.

[Captain Wortshire]

Well lads, finally finished chapter 1 (wot, wot).
And without further ado:

Book 1
The Stranger

Chapter 1
Deep in the east of Mossflower wood, Khorvac the stoat warlord stared into his campfire waiting for a wood-pigeon to finish roasting, while around him, his hoard of vermin were doing the same and bickering over it. Khorvac was reputed to be the most savage killer in all the eastern lands, his fur was nearly black, one eye had a horrible purple scar from a battle in his younger seasons, his weapon of choice was a flamberge, his mark, death, and chaos was his pleasure. Whenever he and his loyal, but fearing hoard attacked a village or settlement, they leave nothing but charred homes and dead creatures who had dared to defy him and take away the ones who didn't for slaves. Normally, he was a moody character often falling into berserk rages, but right now, he was in one of his rare good moods. He was thinking of his recent attack on a mouse village, where the inhabitants actually thought that they could stand up to him. Ha, the fools, he thought, did they think they could really defeat him? He had ordered his hoard to slaughter them without mercy, and leave no prisoners. After gathering all valuable (which were few) and edible items, he set fire to the village, then one of his scouts came and reported that they had just captured a mouse-maid, who had probably been on an errand or gathering food. He then called two soldiers, one was a skinny rat named Grovat who had one eye but was still accurate with his throwing knives, the other was a big and buff ferret named Thumscar who used a spear, he then ordered them to tie the mouse to a tree and guard her and he would decide what's to be done with her afterwards. Khorvac smirked with satisfaction as he thought of this as he tested the pigeon with a dagger to see if it was done.

The mouse-maid struggled with the ropes as she attempted to loosen her paws in an attempt to get free. Grovat noticed this and pulling out one of his knifes said, "Hoi! Stop that or you'll find yourself skewered." "Don't lay your paws on her Grovat." Growled Thumscar, "His lordship is to decide what is to be done with her." Muttering to himself, Grovat turned to face the fire. The mouse knew she must escape, but how?
"How's that wood-pigeon going Thumscar?"
"Mind yer own business Grovat, it ain't done yet!"
"Oh yah? Lemmie just test it out."
Grovat tried an attempt at the bird with his knife, Thumbscar whacked the rat's paw with his spear, "I already told you its not done yet!" "Really?" Sneered Grovat, "Well we'll see about that!" As quick as lighting, the knife left Grovat's paw. Thumscar kept his wits and managed to dodge as the knife whizzed past clattering off a foot from the tree where the mouse-maid was tied. He immediately got into action "Ho, ho tried to murder me? Well take that!" He threw his spear, missed, then jumped at Grovat. Seeing this was probably her only chance, the mouse tried to reach the knife with her foot-paw. In the meantime the two vermin were rolling about stabbing, slashing and swearing at each other. Knowing the fight wouldn't last long, she managed to reach the knife with her tail, and slowly but cautiously she raised the knife till she could grasp it and tried to cut the ropes.

Grovat had just finished the fight by knocking Thumscar on the head with the end of one of his knives, knocking him out. Breathing heavily he turned around and noticed that they fight caused them to go a bit too far from the tree. Cursing silently, he rushed back. The mouse heard him coming, she had just managed cut one paw free and was starting on the other. She had just finished what Grovat came rushing in, he then stopped and seeing what she did, cried, "Hoi what are you trying to do?" Before the mouse-maid knew what she was doing, she had thrown the knife. Grovat made a gurgling noise, then fell, with the knife in his throat. At first, she stood horrified at what she had done, "But if I didn't, I would probably have been dead by now." She thought to herself. Realizing that other vermin may come, she was about to run, when she thought of a plan to divert them for a while.

Khorvac and his most trusted generals were coming up to the tree, and before they got there, they noticed Grovat was apparently sleeping in front of the fire, Letting a rage boil up inside him, Khorvac snarled at huddled form of Grovat, "Imbecile, Buffoon, is this how you keep guard? Where is the other one? Wake up!" Then gave the rat a kick, but nothing happened. One of the generals, a weasel name Bartail, after staring intently, whispered, "Your lordship, Grovat is dead." Dead! Thought Khorvac, it couldn't be possible! He turned the corpse over and saw the stab mark. Before he could say anything, Thumscar came running up screaming, "The mouse is gone! She escaped, she..." "Will you stop blabbering," Roared Khorvac, "Now, tell me clearly and truthfully what happened, or else." Here he drew his flamberge. The ferret took his point and immediately blurted out," Well it happened like this your lordship. Grovat and I got into an argument, then he threw one of his knives at me, I managed to dodge it, then we started fighting until..." Khorvac stopped him with the wave of his paw, and went immediately to the tree, and after inspecting around, he picked up a severed rope then turned to Thumscar, "So Gorvat threw his knife at you, eh? Then were is it now?" Thumscar scratched his head, "Erm, it landed near the tree and, yaaaaarch." Thumscar crumpled down, dead. Khorvak wiped his blade on the fallen vermin, and turning to his generals snarled, "You see that fool, if you don't want to end up like him, then find that mouse-maid and re-capture her, unless of course you want to argue otherwise." The generals quickly saluted and scampered of to gather the soldiers. Khorvac whispered to himself, "No one escapes the wrath of Khorvac, no one!" Then as he passed the corpse of Grovat, something about it caught his attention, he scanned dead rat carefully and figured out what was wrong. All of his throwing knives were gone!

Now let the reviewing commence!

Signed, Captain Wortshire

Note: Revised rats into vermin 10/05/2015

[shisteer of nothing much]

Interesting...
I like the interaction between Brother Rimbert and the hare at the gate. It seems the gatekeepers are always sleeping when guests arrive, though it's unusual for them to do so during a feast.
One thing that would make the story easier to follow, especially the part about the bad guys, would be to have more spacing. For example, when different beasts are talking, you could have different lines and such.
On the whole, it's a very intriguing story and I thank you sincerely for sharing it with us.
God bless!