Scraps

[James Gryphon]

Post all your little bits of writing that you made for fun here.

Here's one of my favorites. It's best when read by the computer (specifically, Mac OS' "Princess").

lull well businessz r cool, n can make money

teh main advantage to owning a busnez is that you have freedoms lull AND independents from teh big business

the main con is tath u cant make money running a business...only big companies make money. small  business usually fail, or dont bring in any money.

and make money is what it is all about!

and u need money to do anythin...so rly u hav no freedom as  a small bizness. they cant do anythin and u will die broke, hungry, and unclothed.

[Izeroth]

teh spelling leeves mush 2 be desired. but I not get teh main point R u rgoing with urself. or r u just not understand??!!!!111

While the broader economic implications of your paper are intriguing, I see several flaws in the general facilitation of your argument. I give it two stars.

[James Gryphon]

If I remember right, I originally made it to test a computer essay-grader. I think it gave it a 1.

Here's another one I made, based on what was at the time a name of a real company. I'm sure they weren't nearly as interesting as this would imply, though.

Our patented Eyemasters™ system is optimized to provide the best possible care for you and your eyes. We have found that most eyes, rather than being physically malformed, are simply recalcitrant and/or refractory. We use special minuscule whips to chastise and correct the eye's faults: to master your unruly eye.

As you may have noticed, our doctors and crew are very small by human standards, standing about one and a half inches tall. The whips they use are smaller than a human hair, but nonetheless very effective. There is usually a stinging sensation that accompanies an Eyemasters™ treatment. This is simply the whip doing its job. The eye will usually itch for some time after the treatment, but vision is almost always immediately restored.

The Eyemasters™ system is the most cost-affordable one on the planet. Each treatment costs only about $2, with discounts available for bulk orders.

How long does the treatment work? The short answer is that it depends on the eye. Some people's eyes, having been properly subdued, are permanently fixed, and require no more treatments after our first session. Other eyes may be particularly difficult to subdue, and require more than one treatment per week to adequately master. Most peoples' eyes require a treatment every one to two weeks.

At one treatment per week, this adds up to a cost of only $104 a year; clearly more affordable than buying expensive glasses. This treatment also works throughout an entire lifetime -- rather than weakening in effect as others do. Seniors have responded very positively to our treatment, calling it "almost miraculous". The norm after proper treatment is a return to near-perfect vision! Not even LASIK can claim this rate or degree of success.

Don't let your eyes slack off. Join the Eyemasters™ team in taking control of your vision.

[Jetthebinturong]

Since I do all of my writing for fun, does that mean that I could post anything here, within reason?

[James Gryphon]

Sure, although it'd be best if it had an emphasis on humor or parody.

Here's another one I made, a few months after the others.

teh only thang to singing muzak is tath u r suppost to butcher teh grammar an teh spelling!

teh guy's taht make teh muzak r cald "muzakshuns". they r not real good.

muzak is palayed wit hammers, stringses, keys, and boes. teh main thing tat teh muzakshuns need to b worreed about is tat teh audience may shoot tehm wit their own arrows.

a person who puts teh muzak on the internets is called a "producer". they make all teh money's and don't have to be creative. this is teh way to make moneys from teh muzak. if u like money, don't try to sing! they never make money's from singing, only teh producers make money's.

teh best way to publicize muzak is on eyetunes. it is the best way to get muzak for your I's. u will need to give most of your money's to Apple, but it still will make u more money's than u would make on your own.

teh purpose of making teh muzak is normallee to make money's for teh producers. u can make muzak for others, but u will be considered weird! to be a star, u need to give money's to producers and to game sho hosts! they will promote u so tat u can get started taking money from other singars and muzakshuns.

eventually, if u keep this up, u will be teh big muzakshun, like frank sinaytra, maria car-ey, and elvis. tin u should buy a mansion, get a new sports car, and waste teh effort of teh muzakshuns u took money's from. it is teh tradition! if u do this, u will protect teh status quo.

[Jukka the Sling]

So, I just started writing this (rather weird) parody of The Tale of Beren and Lúthien that takes place in a quasi-modern (but post-apocalyptic) setting and pokes fun at some aspects of their story. I changed all the Elves to humans. Also, I renamed most of the characters. Plus, I have no idea if I'll finish it.

The Tale of Brian and Lucia

There once lived a girl named Lucia. She was twenty-five years old and ravishingly beautiful. Dark as the twilight and as glossy as the raven's wing was her hair; her eyes were a piercing grey that bespoke the stars in the heavens, and her skin was like flawless ivory. (She didn't spend a lot of time in the sun.) Generally she wore flowing white or dark blue dresses, but sometimes she went for jeans instead.

Lucia lived on a large and beautiful estate (situated in the middle of a post-apocalyptic wasteland) with her parents, Ellis and Melinda, and a multitude of servants. Her father was stern and often stubborn, while her mother was almost as beautiful as Lucia herself was. Melinda also possessed extraordinary powers, and nightingales followed her wherever she went. Since there happened to be a Dark Lord named Morgue in the far north who frequently sent Orcs into the area to ravage it, Melinda had one day decided to put up a force field around their estate, and had promptly done so just by thinking about it.

Lucia had never left her home in all her life, but she didn't care. She had her iPod, computer, countless books, and her flute-playing friend Damien. In addition, she had inherited some of her mother's magical powers and was the most beautiful person who had ever existed (and she took secret pride in that). What more could she possibly want?

* * *

Before dawn one night in late winter, Lucia was dancing with wild abandon in the woods, as was her wont. She had her earbuds in with her iPod playing some classical music, since her friend Damien wasn't there to play his flute. As she danced around gracefully, singing some made-up lyrics at the same time, the frozen stream nearby instantly melted, and flowers popped up where her bare feet had passed.

It was at this moment that a voice behind her yelled, "Nightingale! Nightingale!"

Lucia whirled around, yanking her earbuds out. That was when she saw him.

A young and handsome man, about twenty or so, was walking towards her. Lovestruck, Lucia bounded towards him.

* * *

Brian was a young warrior who, for no other reason than that it was fated to be so, had managed to get past Melinda's force field about six months before. He had actually seen Lucia for the first time shortly after his arrival, dancing merrily in the woods, and had tried hopelessly ever since to get another glimpse of her. Now he had finally succeeded.

The two approached each other, staring deeply into the other's eyes. Then Lucia threw her arms around him. She just knew they were meant to be together.

Brian returned the hug, feeling deliriously happy.

Suddenly the sun rose.

Lucia suddenly slipped free and ran off, knowing she should get back home. And Brian watched the girl he loved vanish into the distance, iPod in hand.

[close]

Comments appreciated.

[Banya]

I like your writing style, Jukka.  I really like short, factual sentences, but that's just my preference.  A big part of what made your parody so amusing was that some of the sentences were of information that weren't central to the story, like "(She didn't spend a lot of time in the sun.)"  Your way of poking fun at the suddenness of fictional romance is on point.  And that iPod.  Couldn't have the story without that iPod.

This is what I wanted to write in a scholarship application.  Try not to read this in a whiny tone:

You should give me money because I really really need it.  I go to an outrageously expensive school and I don't get much financial aid because my parents save all their money.  I've never been to Disney World or on a cruise or left the country except for that week in Canada to see Niagara Falls when I was 6 but that shouldn't count because I don't really remember it.  My parents are saving for retirement so they can't pay for all of my school for me.  I work two jobs while I go to school and I have been doing that for years and it barely makes a dent in my tuition.  I also gave up my summer last year to work in a factory and even that counts for almost nothing since I didn't even get a tan.  I need this money because I need to further my education because I do.  What I want to do with my education is really none of your business, I just want your money.

[Jukka the Sling]

Thank you! Russa actually came up with the iPod idea. In fact, most of the ideas for this parody came up the other day when Amber, Russa, and I were just talking and suggesting crazy ideas for a parody. So, THANKS, AMBER AND RUSSA!

Oh, and I think yours is pretty funny.

[Lady Ashenwyte]

Here's just an idea on paper which has been in my mind for a while and I was toying around with recently.

The sergeant grunted as he slew the enemy general, whose face was still in shock as he witnessed the rout of his forces. He looked up and saw the surviving Marlfox troops inspect the battlefield and bury the dead. A private walked over to him in a rather sloppy way, not fitting the elite Marlfox brigade, or what was left of it. For the battlefield was littered with the dead and not even the crow and vulture brigades came out of the city, for the stench was too much even for them. He then went into the Citadel formerly held by the Empire of Ash, and watched some anime on his Ipad.