The Joke Thread

[James Gryphon]

Did a quick search and it didn't look like we had a thread quite like this.



The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.

"The bad news is, your blood ?is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."

"What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is 130."

[Amarith Waterspring]

  Great idea!

_______________________________________________________________________________

"My boss told me to have a good day...

So I went home."
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Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in our family."

Doctor: "No, the problem is that no one runs in your family."
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[Jukka the Sling]

What do you call a fake enemy?



A faux.

[LT Sandpaw]

A pirate captain and his crew were sailing the seven seas when the lookout shouted down.

"Captain, an enemy vessel is approaching!"

The bold captain was undeterred and he simply shouted, "cabin boy, fetch my red shirt!"

After the battle they were sailing along again when the lookout shouted.

"Captain, two enemy vessels are approaching!"

As before the captain looked undeterred and simply shouted, "cabin boy, fetch my red shirt!"

After the battle was over the cabin boy decided to ask his captain why he wanted his red shirt before each battle. The captain boldly replied.
"To hide the truth if I get injured in battle, so the crew doesn't panic."

The next day the lookout shouted once more.

"Captain! Six enemy vessels approaching!"

The captain, looking pale face shouted, "cabin boy, fetch my brown pants!"





A man dies and goes to heaven where he is met by Saint Peter at the golden gates. There before him was a massive wall covered in clocks. The man looked at the clocks for a moment and then asked Saint Peter.

"What are all these clocks?"

The saint replied. "These are lie clocks, the hands move every time you tell a lie. You can see your clock there, the hands have moved one hundred times showing you have told only a hundred lies throughout your life."

The man was impressed and he pointed to a few of the clocks on the wall and asked. "Whose clocks are those?"

"That is Abraham Lincolns' clock," The saint explained. "As you can see the hands have only moved twice showing he has lied only twice in his life. And that one there is the Pope's clock, as you can see the hands have never moved showing the Pope has never told a lie."

"Cool," the man said, looking at the wall curiously. "So where is Obama's clock?"

"Oh, that one is in Jesus' office, he uses it as a ceiling fan."





How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!"




Two cannibals captured a comedian who crash landed on their island. After cooking and eating him on cannibal looked at the other and said, "this tastes funny."

[Jukka the Sling]

LOL!!!  I've seen the one about the clocks before, and it's too funny.

[LT Sandpaw]

Haha, thanks. I got it off a youtube video I watched some time ago.

I know a lot of political jokes, but I don't want to post them just incase. 

[Ashleg]

Why does it take more than one squirrel to screw in a lightbulb?

Because they're so darn stupid!

Props to you if you get what this is from.
Oh, er, ahah, sorry Jukka.

[DanielofRedwall]

I have two jokes that are seriously stupid but make me laugh every time.

Have you heard that beekeepers have famously gorgeous eyes? You know what they say, beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

long joke

A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, looking into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?"
The bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."
So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?"
"Sure, if you don't mind," the man says.
The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out! "The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'"
The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.' "The genie said, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!
"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish, I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'
"The genie said, 'Your wish is granted.' The ocean parted, and out walked this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she took my hand and we fell in love and the genie married us right there. It was incredible. "The genie boomed, 'You have one wish remaining.'"
The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head."

[close]

[Amarith Waterspring]

Stupid jokes are always funny. 

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Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of liters per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of liters per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!

Farmer: Because the black one's mine.

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?

Farmer: It's also mine.

*Facepalm*

[Ashleg]

*giggle*