Tinar's Birthday Present

[Jarky Thistlebrush]

Happy birthday, @Tinar. Hope you like my your story! I can't think of a name, sooooo...
Also, feel free to comment everybeast!

[Jarky Thistlebrush]

Jared Tinarandel's day was not going exactly to plan.

Narwhal, the squirrel's pet Doomghoul, snarled softly. Her infinite left mandible brushed his furry leg.

"What's your name, friend?" came a jolly voice from behind him. He turned, ears drooping.

The speaker was a huge, golden wolf, clad in only a faded green vest, a pair of worn brown shorts and a hat. Well, the hat was more a large pile of dead grass than something that should be worn as a hat, but the wolf wasn't giving it much of a choice. "Your name?" he repeated.

"Tinarandel."

The wolf laughed. "Your first name is what I wanted, friend."

"Tinar, if you like. Call me Tinar."

Seemingly satisfied, the wolf turned. "So, Tinar Tinarandel. This your house?"

Tinar turned to the melted pile of ashes on the street in front of him. Charred mementos and glowing embers littered the cobbles as a haze of smoke rose from the ruins.
"Yes. Well, it was my house."

The wolf smiled. "I'm Jove. An' I think I may be able to help you out a little here. Give you a little leg up after this tragedy, you know?"

Tinar smiled hesitantly. "That's very kind of you, Jove."

The wolf held out a large paw. Narwhal brushed her ominous tentacle against Tinar's ear. Trust him.

"Last time I trusted somebody you told me to, we were captured by the Sun Knights and almost eaten by proboscis monkeys, remember?" But never the less, Tinar shook the proffered paw. He met Jove's sparkling green eyes, both nodding minutely in mutual trust.


Two hours later, Tinar was beginning to regret his decision.

Jove apparently lived in a prison cell, which Tinar would normally have accepted as a perfectly legitimate lifestyle choice. But Jove was renting it from the king.

Granted, it wasn't as bad as most prison cells. There was no slime on the floor. There was plenty on the grey stone walls, but without that, it wouldn't be a prison cell. It was quite large. There was a small, rickety bed in one corner, and even a decent sized window at the top of one wall. The sound of prisoners screaming for help and pleading with the stoic guards did not detract from the atmosphere as much as Tinar would have thought.

Tinar had already been introduced to Renax, a tall red-black otter, and Mortius, a strange, gallant vole. Renax sat on the bed polishing her sword while Mortius slouched in a corner and fiddled with Narwhal's vacuum producer.

Mortius was the most undernourished vole Tinar had ever seen. His eyes were sunken, his ribs showing through his thin grey robe. Sandals did not disguise his bony, clawed feet.

Renax, on the other hand, had fur as sleek and smooth as a peach. She wore a black tunic and pants and had a glare like a thousand owls, which she was using on Tinar now. He jerked his gaze away.

Jove had wheeled a large blackboard into the cell and was scribbling furiously. Tinar, a little confused, tapped him on the shoulder. "What's going on?"

Jove dropped the chalk on Renax's foot. "Oh, yeah! We haven't explained anythin' to you!"
"I'll say you haven't."

"Oh, well, sorry." Jove looked imploringly at Tinar, who laughed and patted him on the back. Reassured, Jove launched into his explanation.
"Us, well, we're bounty hunters for the king! He heard that there was a couple of will-o'-the-wisps hanging around by the border, eatin' travellers an' that, and he hired us. Nasty things, will-o'-the-wisps," he added as an afterthought, "always killin' you with their eyes and suchlike."

"I think that's basilisks," Tinar commented. Jove nodded distractedly.

"This here's our team. Me, I'm the muscle, an' Renax here's the speed and sword skills, plus the malevolent glares. Useful things, malevolent glares."

"What shall I be?"

"You? You're the maiden in distress! Just kidding! You're the recorder. You just write everythin' down and makes us famous, and you'll get your fair share of the pay. An' your pet, Narwhal or whatever she's called, can be the... Ahhh... pure terror."

"What does Mortius do?"

They all turned to look at the figure in the corner.


"Erm, what were we saying?" Jove scratched his head, causing a large clump of hat to fall off. Renax snorted and nudged it with her foot.

"I think it was something to do with basilisks?"

"Probably. Well, as I think I was sayin', we're bounty hunters for the king!"

In the corner, Mortius smiled.


Frost fringed the roads on the borders of the kingdom. A thin mist swirled amongst the tall, dark pines and leathery, tough ferns, their tattered fronds only letting a fragment of early morning light to the forest floor. It was almost pitch black in the swampy space below the trees.

Tinar clung on tight to Jove's back as the tall wolf, knee-deep in mud, navigated a course that would hopefully not plunge them to their muddy deaths. Renax paddled through the more watery parts of the swamp with Mortius balancing on her back. The vole was getting a bit overexcited.

"Giddy up, otter! Faster! Mush! Mush!"

Renax glared at him and spat a mouthful of mud into his face. "Show some respect, vole."

Tinar could barely see a thing. Shadowy tree trunks flitted past as Jove jolted from side to side. The swamp echoed with the sounds of wild creatures on the hunt and smelt like the rotting corpses they left behind.

Tinar could no longer hear the somewhat comforting sound of Renax and Mortius sloshing along behind them. The sound of predators also seemed to be fading, leaving only a prickly, uncomfortable emptiness. Tinar squeezed his eyes tightly shut.

He shook Jove's shoulder. "We need to wait for the others. Jove. Jove! Listen to me!"

The wolf staggered forward. "But, look Tinar. It's so beautiful. How could we hunt it? It's... so... beautiful..." he repeated, smiling dazedly.

Tinar opened his eyes and gasped. "How did I know this would happen?"

It came as no surprise. Hovering in front of them was an eerie blue light, twisting and swirling mysteriously. It seemed to consider him for a moment, then moved on.

Jove staggered forward, paw reaching. He fell into the mud, but continued onward on his paws and knees. "Got to follow it... Beautiful..." he whispered.

Tinar clung on helplessly. So this was how he was going to die? Led into a sinkhole by a will-o'-the-wisp his friend was madly in love with? He chuckled crazily. "We can't die. Hear me, Jove? We're too good to die. I mean, look at you, you big old wolf, doing your service for the king? Too good! And me? Ha! The world can't go on without me! I'm never going to die. Too good for that! We're NOT going to die!"

"Crazy squirrel," Renax muttered. She and Mortius watched from behind a nearby tree. "Never should have taken him on."

Mortius fondled Narwhal's ping-pong ball blaster. "I like his pet."

Narwhal looked pleadingly at Jove and Tinar.

"All right, all right. Consider this a favour to you, my dear Narwhal." Mortius grabbed Narwhal's tentacle and leapt at the will-o'-the-wisp.

"MORTIUS!" came Renax's cry of rage.

Tinar looked up.

A flash of blinding light cleansed the clearing, throwing Jove and Tinar backwards. Tinar caught a glimpse of Narwhal and Mortius embracing in the centre of the vortex before he blacked out.


A year later, Tinar sat in Jove's cell. The wolf had refused to move out even when the king offered him a castle of his very own.

"So, Tinar Tinarandel. What's us going to do next?" Jove slapped Tinar on the back, almost knocking him to the floor.

Tinar laughed. "Go to Narwhal and Mortius's wedding, I expect."

"I though Mortius were jokin' 'bout that."

"Apparently not."

Jove roared with laughter. "The king wants us to slay a dragon up north somewhere."

"A dragon? Really?"

"Yup! Them things that are always burnin' an' bein' reborn from the ashes, right?"

"No, those are phoenixes."

Jove smiled. "I'll call Renax and Mortius. We got us a mission."

[Ebantu the Kararehe]

That's so cool! I really like it. (Just one question: what is a Doomghoul, exactly?)

[Jarky Thistlebrush]

A... thing. A creepy, weird  thing.

[shisteer of nothing much]

I love it, Jarky! It's completely random and wonderful and just generally the delightful sort of thing you'd write!

[Tinarandel]

This random and nonsensical and silly fanfiction is a work of art, Jarky! Thank you so much! 

[Cornflower MM]

I read this through last night before putting it in the directory and had to hop off before commenting, but it's such a fun little story! I love all the fun little twists you put in and the details that got slipped in that really make it all come together. It's delightful!