Unknown Lands.

[Lady Ashenwyte]

Hello! This is my first fanfiction on this forum(and everywhere else for that matter). So, please leave a comment and constructive criticism is always welcome. So, sit back and enjoy this tale of lands and gold, villains and heroes, and, of Unknown Lands.

Prologue

The otter stood on the deck of the ship, staring at the waves. As he stood,he thought about the events in his past. As a kit, he was always excited by the prospect of new lands, hidden in the shadows of the unknown. He winced as he remembered his father and his crew sailed away to search for new and unknown lands. Too bad all of that was ruined when his father and his crew were captured by vermin slavers and probably killed or sold to some warlord in a godforsaken fort. His father was called a madbeast by the people of Blacksaw Isle, his mother was taken away to the prisons of Lord Gasharm, for insulting a stuck up lord, and he and his sister were forced to beg for their she was smashed to pieces by a cart. Then, he escaped Blacksaw Isle to go to Redwall Abbey, which sheltered him and fed him. With the Abbey's help, he gathered a small crew to assault some pirate raiders. They were crushed and he was later awarded a badge from the Abbot. He later rose to become a famous pirate slayer. He then decided to search for new lands.

"Kerlon, Kerlon, I need your help now!" a shout disturbed his thoughts as the gulls who were following them, frightened by the shout, scattered. He smiled as went below deck to help " Silly Samantha, that squirrel always got into trouble" he thought as he went below deck to help Samantha. He, Captain Kerlon The Wave, would not stop at anything to achieve his goal and prove to the non believers that there were truly lands beyond the seas.

So yes, did you enjoy it? I hope so. Please comment and as always, constructive criticism is always welcome.

[Captain Tammo]

A new fanfiction!
I love redwall tales of the sea (That's what my first fanfiction was based on)! They have a certain factor of mystery that you can play around with. I'm looking forward to what you come up with next!

As for constructive criticism, there was a typo ("forced to beg for their she was smashed to pieces by a cart."), so I'd just suggest proof-reading as closely as possible. Of course, this won't get rid of every typo and a few will slip through the cracks sometimes.

When it comes to things we could add, what I'd like to learn more about in this section is what exactly Captain Kerlon's ship is like and where his crew came from, and a bit more as to who this "stuck up lord" was that you were talking about. Where are Blacksaw Isle and the prisons of lord Gasharm?

I love the big idea you have, though, and I'd definitely stick with that. You could find some really, really creative ways of making this goal of Kerlon's the Wave's a challenging one!

[Lady Ashenwyte]

Thanks Captain Tammo! I'll try to change as many errors as I can since this story was already written by me on fanfiction. net and the next two chapters will be copied and pasted from my account. So yes, please do enjoy the story.

Chapter 1: Land Ho!

As Kerlon went below deck to help Samantha, he saw her quarreling with Jane, a hare who was a veteran at sailing, over a large piece of cheese.

"The cheese is mine, stomach on legs!" yelled Samantha.

"No way you are taking my bloody cheese, wot wot!" Jane yelled back.

"Now, what's happening here, Jonas?" Kerlon asked a mouse who was watching the quarrel.

"Well, Samantha and Jane both want that piece of cheese. Somebeast left it on a stool, when Jane and Samantha saw it" replied Jonas.

Suddenly, "Hey! What are you two doing with my cheese!" a loud voice rang out.

Samantha and Jane looked up to find themselves staring at the face of Kerlon's first mate, an otter called Streamtail.

Suddenly, a grim looking otter entered the room. "Cap'n, I need to tell you something" said the otter. Kerlon was sure it was bad news as the otter, who was called Riverrunner, was always quite cheerful. "Cap'n, we are running low on fresh water and supplies" said the otter. The whole room fell silent. Many beasts gaped in shock while some were beginning to the confusion, Jane took the cheese and stuffed it into her mouth.

Suddenly a shout broke the silence. "Land! I see land!" someone cried out.

Captain Kerlon was the first to recover from the shock and ran up to the deck and climbed to the crow's nest.

The mouse who was on watch duty was practically jumping up and down in happiness. "Sir, you must see this!" cried out the mouse, who was called Lethwin.

"Cut my tail off! It is really land" cried out Kerlon.

He saw a large beach, near a jungle, Kerlon could see many exotic trees and plants.

He climbed down and went below deck.

"Good news! We have seen land and we can resupply!" shouted Kerlon.

"Hooray!'" cried out the crew.

"Samantha, Jane, Jonas ,Michael come with me!" Kerlon issued orders.

"Alright, get the boarding boats!" said Kerlon to the crew.

"Do I have to come Kerlon?" groaned Samantha.

Yes you do, Miss Lazy!" replied Kerlon, as he pushed Samantha towards the landing boats.

~~O~~

A pair of curious eyes watched the ship. They stared at the ship which was full of activity.

They looked as the boarding boats sailed towards the coast.

"Strangers! The chief must be informed!" said the owner of the eyes, as he ran to inform his chief

~~O~~

So there it is, so if you liked it, please comment. As always, constructive criticism is always welcome.

[Captain Tammo]

This reminds me of learning about the first settlers of America back in middle school! It'll be neat to see if Kerlon has found someplace completely new to the world, or if these "unknown lands" are actually part of the land mass they had just sailed from!

[Lady Ashenwyte]

This reminds me of learning about the first settlers of America back in middle school! It'll be neat to see if Kerlon has found someplace completely new to the world, or if these "unknown lands" are actually part of the land mass they had just sailed from!

The story does grow a little bit more exciting, I'll post a new chapter as soon as possible, once I find a way to transfer the story from fanfiction.net to here.

[Lady Ashenwyte]

New chapter!

Disclaimer: When I wrote the first four chapters, I wasn't as good and you WILL see spelling errors, logic bombs, and some mistakes for this chapter and the next. Please do enjoy it! And as always, constructive criticism is always welcome.

~~O~~
It was a hot day and Amar and his father just returned to the fields after a satisfying lunch. "Oh, how I hate ploughing in this summer season" said Amar."Well, To satisfy our stomachs, we need to plough this land" replied his father. They were just about to start when "Hey, look 't you see some dust on the horizon?" said his father. "Well, yes , I can. I also hear horses in the distance." replied Amar. The horsebeasts grew closer and they saw a tiger in full battle armour riding a jet black horse. Behind him rode a hundred thousand jackals, hyenas, foxes and rats wielding all types of dreadful weapons used for maiming,wounding and butchering their enemies.

Amar's father's eyes grew wide and he shouted "Amar! Take your mother and sister and flee to the capital!". "Why should we, father?" replied Amar." "Remember the stories your grandmother told you about Shamat Khan?!" said his father. "Yes , I do, but he doesn't exist, does he?" replied Amar. "He does!Now run!" shouted his father. By now the horsemen had almost reached the farm. Amar ran and gave a last look at their farm and father which he would never see again.

~~O~~

"Did we get all of them?" roared the tiger to a cowering jackal.

"No sir. The younger one ran away. But we got the older one though" replied the jackal who was almost going to faint as Shamat had a habit of killing people at random

moments.

"Well then, bring the older one then" roared the tiger.(This is a shouty tiger though, keep that in mind).

The prisoner was escorted by a heavily armed rat who was spitting everywhere.

"Now prisoner, what do you think I should do with you, eh? said the tiger.

"Give me a weapon and i'll gut you and all of yer horde" said the old mouse.

"Now do you think I will let you do that, are you? Because if you are i'll make sure the last thing you see is a trident!" roared the tiger.

Undaunted, the mouse continued " Yer invasion willrde crushed like ants under the feet of an elephant, and you, who talks of tridents, will be pierced by a thousand tridents!."

"You... Fetch me my sword,rat!" roared Shamat.

The rat brought the sword and Shamat looked at it for a moment before swiftly beheading the mouse.

As the rat stared at the headless corpse, " Bring me the crow,rat" said Shamat in a low growl.

The rat quickly complied and a crow came in front of Shamat.

"Cradalyu, I need you to talk to the king of the crows and ask him to come to our camp here" he said.

"Yes, Shamat" said the crow in a rasping voice before taking off.

The tiger watched the black spot going higher and higher before it finally disappeared. He looked at the corpse and in his mind " Soon, I will be Raja Sher Shamat Khan!".

~~O~~

[Lady Ashenwyte]

~~O~~
Chapter 3: The Black Dawn

A pair of two eyes were the only thing that broke the blackness of the cave.

A voice was heard , most likely that of a squirrel. It echoed through the dark cave.

"Ah, another fool who comes to my domain, presumably to 'slay" me, hmm, let's see what happens"

He closed his eyes as soon as he heard the squirrel approach. "Show yourself, vile creature! Hiding in the darkness of this musty cave!" saying so, the squirrel spat on the ground. Receiving no reply, he rummaged through his bag and found a lantern and some flint. As he was about to light the lantern, a voice broke the stillness, the coldest voice the squirrel had ever heard, "You have asked me to show myself, haven't you? Well, here I am!" spoke the voice.

Two yellow eyes opened and a loud hiss was heard.

The squirrel drew his sword. The voice continued "Ha! Swords and spears do not even prick me! You are ill-prepared for this fight"

"We'll see who wins, monster!" said the squirrel.

"We'll see, won't we? Minions!" spoke the voice. In an instant a hundred yellow eyes opened and there was the most terrifying creature the squirrel had ever seen, a massive cobra, surrounded by a hundred smaller cobra, without any warning, lunged at the poor squirrel who was too shocked to react. In the squirrel's last breaths, "The army of Queen Alsta will kill you and your followers in minutes!" he said, and died.

The cobra, after swallowing the squirrel, reared up his massive head, breaking through the stone roof of the cavern and letting sunlight in, roared to his followers " Serpents of Naglok! , your master, command you to kill every single beast you see!To war!"

As the light touched the snakes, they began to writhe in pain and discomfort, shedding their skin, and growing arms. They armed themselves, and they rushed out of the opening. " Those poor fools will soon be ruled by Sslabar! Ha ha ha ha ha!" thought the massive snake.( That giant cobra didn't sprout arms, thankfully.)

~~O~~

As Kerlon and the exploring party reached the shore, he saw no beasts on the shore.

"A welcome sign, I suppose." thought Kerlon. By now the boat had reached the shore and all the beasts but two sturdy otters climbed out of the boat.

Samantha, as usual, had fallen on her face and was spitting out sand.

"By Jove Samantha, you look a fine sight, wot wot!" chuckled Jane. Even Kerlon, who was quite serious most of the time, started chuckling.

"Fine sight you look yourself, floppy ears!" retorted Samantha.

"Dust tail"

"Stomach on legs"

The quarrel turned into a sand throwing fight and sand was flying everywhere.

"Alright, stop the fighting, we need to make camp here you know, don't ya?"

A moment later, an arrow flew out of a bush and landed a few feet near Samantha.

The startled woodlanders drew their weapons and braced themselves.

Suddenly, a large group of vermin ran out of the bushes and charged at the group.

Kerlon, stabbed a large rat while Samantha shot a fox.

Suddenly, a large rat attacked Kerlon and swung his massive axe at him but he dodged the blow and stabbed at the rat's footpaws.

The rat roared in pain and slashed at Kerlon and severed the tip of his ear.

The rat was about to deliver the killing blow when a spear came through the rat's body.

The rat fell over, and Kerlon saw Jane with a bloodied spear in her paws.

"Thanks Jane, you saved my life." said Kerlon.

"Think nothing of it, wot wot!"

A horn blew and as suddenly as they came, the vermin retreated to the forest.

"Is everyone okay, Andrew?" Kerlon asked to a healer mouse/

"Just some wounds, no beast dead" replied the mouse.

Kerlon sighed a sigh of relief and went back to help

~~O~~

And as always, constructive criticism is always welcome.

[Skyblade]

Very good, Ash

If you want constructive criticism, I am honestly not the most qualified but I'll try to help. I would suggest using more pronouns. For example, in the part in which Kerlon is fighting a rat, perhaps try using "him" or "her" or "it" for the rat in subsequent sentences after you say "the rat".

Also, I noticed that you start new lines very often. You could condense these lines into paragraphs - as far as I know, remember, and believe, new lines aren't necessary unless you're introducing dialogue between characters or a change of scene or ideas. But this may just be your style (As I said earlier, I don't know much).

Anyway, very engaging story; it's got action pouring out of its words.

[Lady Ashenwyte]

Note, I'm rewriting this story. Mods, please lock this thread as it is no longer needed.