Invaders of Redwall --- Comments Here Please

[cairn destop]

This is a stand alone story in the Vermin Badger Series.  No prior knowledge of the events or personalities from the other stories is needed.  Characters will all be introduced as they appear.  For those who have read earlier works in the series, many of the names will be familiar.  Some are new.

Let this be a warning.  My story does not adhere to the canons of the series.  All ages are in human terms.  I found the aging process in the books confusing.  Some could go from nappies to elder in one season.  Others had several seasons as a youth.  The use of human terms will allow all to relate to the ages of the characters.

Unlike the original series, my stories are not obsessed with food.  I also suck at poetry, so don't expect such things.  I've also eliminated accented speech.  I usually skimmed accented dialogue as it took too much effort translating.  Now put a mole, hare, and dibbun in a conversation and it becomes a writing and reading nightmare.

Last thing about the tale.  Many complained about my use of a woodchuck.  They called it non-traditional and outside the usual life forms native to Great Brittan.  Until Triss, the same could be said about hamsters, which are also a non native species.  So call this my contribution to the diversity of the Redwall universe.

Last.  For the reading enjoyment of all, please refrain from posting comments in the story.  If you post any questions regarding either the artistic or technical merits of the story, I will respond.  Prefer to keep it private?  PM me and I'll give you a personal reply and will post both question and answer here without revealing who sent it.

Until June 30, 2014.

[Captain Tammo]

I like the unique situation that is presented at the start of the story. You also have a generally strong use of vocab words (I saw you mixed up abbot and abbess once or twice but that didn't affect the story).
I like how you really develop the characters in such a short time as well and am looking forward to learning more about them

[cairn destop]

I do use the term "Mother Abbot" and "Abbess" interchangeably since the current leader of Redwall at this time is female.  Were it a male leader, I would use "Father Abbot" and "Abbot."


If I have intermixed my male and female titles, I need to do some edits.

[cairn destop]

For those following the story, this chapter received the most comments on that other writing site where one pays to post.  Each review called today's chapter the best G-Rated love scene they've read.  Your thoughts?

[The Skarzs]

I'm sorry I have failed to read this, as it looks interesting and, from what little I have read, will prove to be one of the better/best fan fictions I've read. My full support on writing more and finishing this.

[cairn destop]

My thanks for the encouragement.  As I've said, each story is independent of the others.  You can also read them in any order, though you'll be getting some spoilers if read out of order, but nothing that affects the story you're reading.

The last novel of the series is undergoing final edits and will answer any outstanding questions regarding the central character.  That should be posted here sometime in November 2014.

[cairn destop]

Here is one reason why reading and research is so important.  At the time I was planning this book, I got an opportunity to visit the Imperial War Museum in London.  Spent a day there researching siege techniques.  You'll be seeing some in this story on both sides of the conflict.

[The Skarzs]

This story is impressively extensive; good job on writing something so long!
Now, I haven't read the entire thing (nearly done with the first page), and I would just like to mention a couple things before I forget them:
The chapter where Sgt. Serenity (not quite the name for someone so ruthless, methinks) fights Threadfoot, the entire chapter repeats itself thrice. It may want to be edited.
I notice that everything in this story is extremely harsh- please take what I say with a grain of salt, as it is my own opinion. I'm not sure exactly what time period you wish this placed in, but the amount of physical harm that Sgt. Serenity alone does to her trainees would be unacceptable in many armies. In truth, she seems little more than a glorified bully, and doesn't seem like she would get much respect by her hares by the time she's done with them, except the respect that you would give an angry hornet. Of course, this may be intentional. As to killing slaves for meat, it's brutal, but I have no more comments on it.
You appear to really enjoy females as main characters or characters who are stronger than others. Personally, I really dislike this. It's not that I think all females should be sitting down knitting or making food all day; rather, I think that it's not natural for them to be tougher than males or having several female characters being so acting. It's not unheard of for an occasional female to be like that, but I look down on how frequent they are in this. (You said that reading and research was important; if so, then it is easy to notice how few female people were ever actually at the head of battle or beating up people- or, for that matter, be in the army at all)
Now, I didn't come here to completely bash your story into the dirt; I came here to give an honest review if the story so far. The objects that I have found to my dislike or worth mentioning for whatever reason I already have. Now I shall move on to what I like about your story. This is an interesting and pretty well thought out piece of writing. The different sections and major areas of Mossflower give it a feel of a country who is held together by string, which was indeed what you were trying for; this is important. I also really enjoy the vermin army; in fact, I like them better than the creatures at Redwall. They are an oiled machine of war, prepared, organized, and dangerous.

If you think this review was a little harsh, then feel free to do so on one of my writings as payback.

[cairn destop]

1 --- The chapter where Sgt. Serenity (not quite the name for someone so ruthless, methinks) fights Threadfoot, the entire chapter repeats itself thrice. It may want to be edited.

2 --- I notice that everything in this story is extremely harsh- please take what I say with a grain of salt, as it is my own opinion. I'm not sure exactly what time period you wish this placed in, but the amount of physical harm that Sgt. Serenity alone does to her trainees would be unacceptable in many armies. In truth, she seems little more than a glorified bully, and doesn't seem like she would get much respect by her hares by the time she's done with them, except the respect that you would give an angry hornet. Of course, this may be intentional. As to killing slaves for meat, it's brutal, but I have no more comments on it.

3 --- You appear to really enjoy females as main characters or characters who are stronger than others. Personally, I really dislike this. It's not that I think all females should be sitting down knitting or making food all day; rather, I think that it's not natural for them to be tougher than males or having several female characters being so acting. It's not unheard of for an occasional female to be like that, but I look down on how frequent they are in this. (You said that reading and research was important; if so, then it is easy to notice how few female people were ever actually at the head of battle or beating up people- or, for that matter, be in the army at all)

4 --- Now, I didn't come here to completely bash your story into the dirt; I came here to give an honest review if the story so far. The objects that I have found to my dislike or worth mentioning for whatever reason I already have. Now I shall move on to what I like about your story. This is an interesting and pretty well thought out piece of writing. The different sections and major areas of Mossflower give it a feel of a country who is held together by string, which was indeed what you were trying for; this is important. I also really enjoy the vermin army; in fact, I like them better than the creatures at Redwall. They are an oiled machine of war, prepared, organized, and dangerous.

5 --- If you think this review was a little harsh, then feel free to do so on one of my writings as payback.

Let me answer these in order.

1 --- I'll admit I had a bit of a problem uploading that particular chapter.  Seemed my system kept crashing when I hit the upload button.  I'll check for the duplications and will remove them.

Serenity wasn't expected to become a warrior by her parents.  If anything, they expected her to be something else.  You can find out the reason behind her name in "The New Arrivals"

2 --- I'm thinking an army in feudal times where combat is primarily close quarters would be harsh.  Perhaps a bit over the top I do admit.  The reason for the extra brutality was to emphasize the cheat the Drill Instructor used.

And the comment regarding the source of meat did get similar comments.  It may have gone too far I do admit.

3 --- I attribute the number of strong female characters in my story to Brian Jaque's use of strong females.  Some of them are by necessity, such as the hare trainees.  Though females will dominate much of my story, I do see and agree with your historical perspective.  If this were more closely following history, there would never be an Abbess at Redwall.

4 --- I value your honesty. 

Creating the reality took a lot of non-writing work.  My art would make even the most inept artist here look like Picasso, but it gave me the feel for the various locations.  If you have ever been to Westminster Abbey, you might have noted a similarity in the room where Serenity meets the king.

5 --- LOL!!!  Seriously, I've been the recipient of so much poison pen notes in Questor Bold Two that I'm immune.  If I even repeated the wording here, it would have me banned.  The language is that insulting.

I'm not into revenge reviews.  When I was on another writing site where one pays money to post material, I had the reputation of being a SPAG Nazi and a bit harsh.  That doesn't mean I went out with a hammer, but if the writing was inept, I never pulled punches.  You don't learn what does and doesn't work without somebody saying it.

[cairn destop]

The duplication has been corrected.  Like I said, computer problems that day.  Also my ineptness for not verifying.

[The Skarzs]

Cheers.

[cairn destop]

I believe my last reply might have given some the impression that this story was not a stand-alone.  So let me explain the inconsistency.


Serenity and Tassel are at odds over her choice to become a soldier.  This is stated in the very first chapter.  In a chapter yet to be released, per today's date, there is the following line:

We (Redwall) always expected her (Serenity) to become our next badgermom, but she is too much a warrior.

So there is something of an explanation, it was just unfortunate timing regarding my need to reply.

[cairn destop]

And with today's installment, the story ends.

On another writing site where one paid real money to post their stories and for the reviews they received, I had about eight fans who read every part of my series.  Some of their questions regarding the main character's past inspired the final installment of the series.  That story will soon be released here. 

The final chapter, and the true beginnings of the vermin badger, will soon be available.