Jokes

[Vulpin]

The fastest thing in the world, by Wayne Bail

Four are talking inside a bar. They talk and talk and talk. They talk about everything and anything. One day, one of the guys suggests that he considered a jet plane to be the fastest thing in the world. The man next to him nodded in agreement but objected. "I think the fastest thing in the world is lightning." The man next to him nodded and took back his suggestion of the plane. Across from them, one more objects. "No the fastest thing is a thought." For about half an hour the 3 talk about it. But the fourth guy eventually comes and gets into the conversation.

"I think the fastest thing in the world is a bowl movement." The other 3 had questionable faces. "A bowl movement?"

"Yeah. I was in one of those jets, and it got struck by lightning and faster then i could think, i crapped my self."

[rakkety tam]

ok i got one here goes

in the exam room, a patient was waiting nervously for a renowned medical specialist.
so who did you see before coming to me asked the doctor.
my family practitioner.
your GP? what a waste of time the docter said incredulously. what useless advice did he give you?
he told me to come see you

[Redwall Musician]

What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off.

[Tiria Wildlough]

I did number one.

Why did the girl nextdoor go outside with her purse open?
Because she was looking for some change in the weather. 

[rakkety tam]

what do u get when u mix poisen ivy and a four leaf clover................ a rash of good luck lol

why should u never iron a four leaf clover.................... u dont wanna press your luck lol



i know those r good i got them out of a joke book

[Lutra]

^ Hahaha.  Press Your Luck.  All I remember is that one guy winning about $100,000 on that show in two tapings because he knew the pattern.

[HeadInAnotherGalaxy]

Why did the turkey nay crozz the road?
Becauze the chiucken beat him tae it.

[Tiria Wildlough]

What does the hare say when he meets people?
Hare do you do?

[White One6193]

Here's some weird laws:

No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
California State Law

A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
New York state law

weird Montana Laws

If you are being chased by five or more indians on horseback, you can consider it a war party and shoot to kill without fear of indictment

If a man trespasses on your land, you may hang him legally...

morbid, but interesting

[Matthias720]

Wrong topic, White One.

[gorath]

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens? Because they only said "Bach Bach"

[Tiria Wildlough]

Hahaha! ^^

There was once a Chinese man, and his wife. The man would go out all day watching the ducks, and when he got back home, there would be a roast duck waiting for him, to eat. But it only had one leg. So the man asked his wife, 'Why is it that all the roast ducks only have one leg?'
'Oh,' she answered. 'All the ducks you raise only have one leg. I'll show you.'
She took him outside, to where all the ducks were sleeping on one leg. The other one was tucked underneath them.
'But that's always how they sleep.' said the man. He clapped, and the ducks woke up, and put down their other foot.
'Exactly,' replied his wife. 'But you never clap at mealtimes.'

^^Tell me if you get it.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.

[Shinella]

Thoroughbred: I changed it an hour ago. C'mon you
Guys – catch up!
* Arabian: Who ME?? Do WHAT? I'm scared of light
Bulbs! I'm outta here!
* Quarter Horse: Put all the bulbs in a pen and
Tell me which one you want.
* Standardbred: Oh for Pete's Sake, give me the
Darn bulb and let's be done with it.
* Shetland: Give it to me. I'll kill it and we
Won't have to worry about it anymore.
* Friesian: I would, but I can't see where I'm
Going from behind all this mane.
* Belgian: Put the Shetland on my back, maybe he can
Reach it then.
* Warmblood: Is the 2nd Level Instruction Packet in English?
Doesn't anyone realize that I was sold for
$75K as a yearling, but only because my hocks are
Bad, otherwise I would be worth $100K? I am NOT
Changing light bulbs. Make the TB get back here and do it.
* Morgan: Me! Me! Me! Pleeease let me! I wanna do
It! I'm gonna do it! I know how, really I do! Just watch! I'll rewire the
Barn after, too.
* Appaloosa: Ya'll are a bunch of losers. We don't
Need to change the light bulb; I ain't scared of the dark. And someone make
That darn Morgan stop jumping up and down before I double barrel him.
* Haflinger: That thing I ate was a light bulb?
* Mustang: Light bulb? Let's go on a trail ride,
Instead. And camp. Out in the open like REAL horses.
* Lipizzaner: Hah, amateurs. I will change the light
Bulb. Not only that, but I will do it while standing on my hind legs and
Balancing it on my nose, after which I will perform seven flying lead changes
In a row and a capriole. Can you do that? Huh? Huh? Didn't think so.
* Miniature: I bet you think I can't do it just
Cause I'm small. You know what that is? It's sizeism!
* Akhal Te ke: I will only change it if it's my
Owner's light bulb and no one else has ever touched it.
* Andalusian: I will delegate the changing of the
Light bulb to my personal
Groom after he finishes shampooing my mane and
Cleaning my saddle, but only
On the condition that it is changed for a soft blue
Or pink bulb, which
Reflects better off my coat while I exhibit my
Astonishing gaits.
* Cleveland Bay: I'm busy. Make the whipper-in and
The hounds do it.
* Saddlebred: My ears are up already, please, please
Get the &#/~..# light bulb away from me! I'm ready to show, really, I
Promise I'll win!
* Paint: Put all the light bulbs in a pen, tell me
Which one you want, and my owner will bet you twenty bucks I can get it
Before the quarter horse.
* POA: I'm not changing it. I'm the one who kicked
The old one and broke it in the first place, remember?
Now, excuse me, I have a grain room to break into.
* Grade Horse: Guys? Um, guys? I hope you don't
Mind, but I went ahead and
Changed it while you were all arguing

[Mad Maudie]

A blond was speeding down the highway a blond cop poled her over and said
"Can i have your drivers license"
the driver looks through her purse "What does it look like?"
The cop "you dummy it's small and has a picture of you"
Driver looks though her purse again and pulls out a mirror and looks at it then hands it to the cop.
the blond cop looks at it for a time then hands it back to the lady
"you're good to go if i had known you were a cop this would have been taken care of a while ago  

i'm a blond but i love blond jokes hahahhhahah LOL.

[HeadInAnotherGalaxy]

What'z the difference between a pig and a human?

One's often fat, lasy, likez trufflez, an' the other iz a pig!