Jokes

[Mattio]

You do the spoiler thing by doing this with no spaces, [ spoiler ] you out what you want to hide here [/ spoiler ]

[Norham Waterpaw]

So, a guy walked into a bar... *pang* Ouch!

[W0NWILL]

Two men walked into a bar. You would think at least one of them would have ducked.


A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort.
The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."
The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."
He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."
"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"
"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?'
The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'
"Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either.
Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.' But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure."
"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."
"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?"
"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground."

[Ungatt Trunn]

Two men walked into a bar. You would think at least one of them would have ducked.


A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort.
The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."
The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."
He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."
"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"
"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?'
The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'
"Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either.
Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.' But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure."
"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."
"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?"
"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground."

LOL !

[Tiria Wildlough]

That would have been frustrating. Lol.

[KitrallStreamrippler]

You do the spoiler thing by doing this with no spaces, [ spoiler ] you out what you want to hide here [/ spoiler ]

Thank you!

[Romsca]

Two men walked into a bar. You would think at least one of them would have ducked.


A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort.
The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."
The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."
He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."
"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"
"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?'
The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'
"Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either.
Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.' But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure."
"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."
"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?"
"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

[Norham Waterpaw]

Romsca, you still haven't answered, how was my joke rude?

[Romsca]

Making fun of handicapped people

[Norham Waterpaw]

Ohhhh, woops, never thought of it like that..... I hope I didn't offend anybody.

[Redwaller]

Two men walked into a bar. You would think at least one of them would have ducked.


A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort.
The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."
The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."
He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."
"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"
"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?'
The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'
"Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either.
Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.' But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure."
"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."
"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?"
"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground."

LOL!

[Redwaller]

Why did Sally fall off the swing?
'Cause she had no arms.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Not Sally.

Geddit?

Sorry, but I don't get it. 

[W0NWILL]

Bob and Phil run into each other in a supermarket. They are old enemies, and Bob takes the chance to insult Phil.
"Hey Phil, you're momma's so dumb she can't read pictures!"
Phil looks at Bob strangely, "She's blind."
Bob pauses, then says, "...Oh, yeah."
They awkwardly stand together for a few moments before Phil speaks.
"And it's your momma, not you're momma."
Bob looks at Phil, confused, "You can see the words I'm speaking?"
"I eat a lot of carrots."

[Leatho Shellhound]

Bob and Phil run into each other in a supermarket. They are old enemies, and Bob takes the chance to insult Phil.
"Hey Phil, you're momma's so dumb she can't read pictures!"
Phil looks at Bob strangely, "She's blind."
Bob pauses, then says, "...Oh, yeah."
They awkwardly stand together for a few moments before Phil speaks.
"And it's your momma, not you're momma."
Bob looks at Phil, confused, "You can see the words I'm speaking?"
"I eat a lot of carrots."

I don't under stand the carrot part?

[W0NWILL]

Carrots help with eyesight.