Corrupt-a-Wish

[Banya]

Granted.  The private island you own sits near a bay lined with factories.  The water around your island is polluted, and no vegetation grows on your island, nor do animals reside upon it.  The air always smells like gasoline, and the rocky shores make boating to your island difficult and dangerous.  The rising sea levels are covering low-lying land with water, and the rumour that it is haunted by the ghost of a girl who drowned there in the 1910s makes it impossible to sell.

I wish my family only wanted to watch the movies that I want to watch.

[James Gryphon]

Granted. You don't watch any movies, much to your family's disgust. You suggest doing other things, but they're not interested in any of that, and constantly ask you what movie you want to watch.

I wish that I could read and type ten times more quickly.

[Banya]

Granted.  The speed at which you type causes severe arthritis to set in your fingers, even at your young age, making future typing, video game playing, and even simple printing impossible.  The incredibly speedy reading you complete strains your eyes and causes blindness.  Sightless, and with eternally aching fingers, you resign yourself to static-filled audio books.

I wish my puppy could go back to being puppy-sized.

[James Gryphon]

Granted; it does, temporarily, as your dog has a bizarre disorder that causes it to shrink as it grows older. But it gets tinier and tinier yet, and you are eventually forced to buy a hamster cage to put it in whenever you're not around, so that it doesn't hurt itself. Eventually, it gets small enough that it can get through the bars, and it escapes. You never see it again, but nevertheless spend the next ten years walking very carefully whenever you're at home, for fear that you will crush it underfoot.

I wish that my hardest punch possessed all the force of a great typhoon.

[Banya]

Granted.  You are eager to impress and fight for a particular lovely girl, but one punch lands your opponent in the hospital and you behind bars.  You are given a jail sentence of one year plus several years' probation.  The ladies are not impressed.

Sounds like you saw your bribe...

I wish my every movement were as swift as a coursing river.

[James Gryphon]

Granted; your swiftest hand movement is as fast as St. John's, a blazing 0.3 miles per hour. Your family and friends get annoyed with you, and eventually just carry you around places and feed you instead of waiting for you to do things on your own.

I wish that I was indefatigable.

[Hickory]

Granted. You devote endless amounts of time and energy to promoting Vladimir Putin's takeover of the Ukraine, and you lose all your American friends.

Why does this thread quietly advance three pages after my last post?

I wish to succeed at my ERB tests.

[Dibbun Against Bedtime]

Granted. You get tested for the "Epic Rap Battles of History" YouTube channel, succeed, and since it was just a BuzzFeed quiz, you get nothing out of it. The end.

I wish I was a jail whale who hits monkeys with pails in the kingdom of Dale.

[Izeroth]

 Granted. Sadly, you arrive in that kingdom just before Smaug destroys it.

I wish all the problems in the world would disappear.

[Dibbun Against Bedtime]

Granted. All problems are now invisible, making it harder to correct them.

I wish that I could spew spewing materials better than anyone in the world.

[Hickory]

Granted! You spew S.P.E.W. badges all over the floor, making all your friends hate you.

I wish Harry Potter was possible.

[Jetthebinturong]

Granted! The world is now exactly the same. Harry Potter is possible, just highly unlikely.

I wish I was a published author.

[Eulaliaaa!]

Granted, but no one reads your books. After a while, your publishers decide that it's not going to sell, and they take it off the shelves. You become incredibly depressed and give up on writing, throwing your life away by watching cat videos on YouTube and eating cheetos all day long. 

I wish that I was super fast.

[Banya]

Granted.  You are super fast, but you tire super fast, too.  Though you can cover a mile in a matter of seconds, not minutes, you can barely run a mile before you're completely fatigued and have an ache in your side.  Your reflexes are astoundingly quick, but you do not have complete control of them, and people assume you're extraordinarily clumsy and dislike you for it.  Your thought processes, too, are incredibly fast, allowing you to read books and take tests rapidly.  You manage to skip a grade, but your classmates are intimidated by you and avoid you.

I wish I had all my favourite foods, cooked to perfection, served to me right now.

[Izeroth]

 Granted. Unfortunately, because they all look great, you can't decide which one to eat first.

I wish I had an army of magical, invincible gnomes.