Corrupt-a-Wish

[Matthias720]

Granted! You sleep as though you are resting on clouds of feather, but when you wake up, you realize that you overslept and your day is ruined.

I wish for a plastic bag with holes in it.

[Groddil]

Granted! A plastic bag appears out of nowhere. As you stare at it, a hole appears. Then another one. Then another one. Your eyes well up with tears of joy as more and more plastic disappears from the bag. After two minutes, all that remains of the bag is 1mm² of material. You wave a tearful goodbye at it as it flutters into the sky and dissolves into nothingness.

Three days later, driven mad by urges to rejoin your plastic bag, you launch yourself into space using nothing but a garbage bag as a balloon, where you promptly die of suffocation.

Thank you for calling 1800-GroddilGenie, we hope to see you again soon!

...

I wish for my Evil Plant Army to take over this topic.

[James Gryphon]

Granted, but knowing they're at peril of death from deletion, they swarm off of the topic and into your computer. Then, they overload your computer's power supply, blowing it up. With your computer destroyed, you focus more on your studies and become a scientist, with an emphasis on plant biology. You become so well renowned in your studies that you're able to go on the first manned mission to Mars to discover life in the caverns below the surface, where you are summarily eaten by a giant plant.

I wish that it was always Christmas but never winter.

[Groddil]

Granted. You move to Australia, where Christmas is in summer, and suddenly, every day becomes Christmas. The heat of the Aussie outback, combined with the torrential rainstorms that tend to happen around Christmas, means that you are now up to your chin in water, yet still feeling like you just got shoved into an EasyBake oven.

Thank you for calling 1800-GroddilGenie.



I wish that I could own a ferret without the government murdering me.

[James Gryphon]

Granted. The ferret gets you first!

I wish that the forum had the advantages of the shoutbox, without any of its disadvantages.

[Groddil]

Granted. But all the boards have to be deleted in order for this to happen. The angry forumites band together to join Anonymous, where they hack the forum, take control, and restore both the boards AND the shoutbox, then lock you out and take your webmaster powers.

I wish that people would post more instead of lurking.

[James Gryphon]

Granted, but it's all spam.

I wish that I had somebody I could play Chess variants with, in real time.

[LT Sandpaw]

Granted! You get an online chess game with a rival whose skill is expert. However no matter what you do she bests you in less then ten moves every time ya'll play. She's also Russian, and extremely bad winner, and wont stop bragging about her successes, and how terrible you are. After a while you quit the game to try and find a match with someone else but realize that you only get to play this one person forever. So you try to close the program except some strange virus keeps that from happening, forcing the chess program to remain open forever.

In desperation you destroy your computer from frustration and go to Best Buy to get a new one, only to realize that the program has been installed on every computer ever, and everyone is getting their virtual butt whipped by this mysterious Russian chess wiz. The only way to close the program is to beat her in a game.

You promptly quit chess and anything computer related for the rest of your life.


I wish I could do a space walk, and live through it.

[Groddil]

Why is she Russian...

Granted! You successfully space walk, and survive doing so. Unfortunately, I neglected to mention that your spacecraft ran out of fuel, and you slowly suffocate with no way to get back to Earth.

I wish that I had a better computer.

[Søren]

Yeah Sand, why is that? ()
Granted. It's your least favorite color and smells of eggs.
I wish I wasn't washing dishes.

[James Gryphon]

Granted. You simply put all the dishes, whether dirty, soapy, or clean, into the cupboard. Later, upon finding out what you did, your parents scream at you and ground you for the next six months.

I wish that I never tired.

[Groddil]

Granted. Because you never get tired, you can never fall asleep, no matter how hard you try. You die of exhaustion and sleep deprivation.

I wish that my iPhone "keyboard" wasn't so hard to use.

[James Gryphon]

Err, "tired" and "exhausted" are synonymous.

Whatever.

Anyway, granted. Now, instead of having a tiny on-screen keyboard, every iPhone comes with a full-sized mechanical keyboard built-in. Unfortunately, that means it's impossible to put it in your pocket or many backpacks, and the iPhone's tiny little screen looks ridiculous next to the huge keyboard.

I wish that I always did my work on time.

[Kitsune]

Granted. However, it's always sloppily done and gets you bad grades.

I wish that I could speak every language in the world well.

[Delthion]

Granted you study hard for forty years learning to speak every language that existed when you started well. You lock yourself in your room and only come out for meals. After exiting your room you find that all of your family has been killed by gophers, and the world now speaks one language that is impossible to learn unless you cannot speak any other language well. You feel as though you just wasted all of your life, which is true and you lock yourself in your room for the rest of it.

I wish that I could just be awesomely awesome.