Dannflor's book

[Dannflor]

 This is the book I am writing hope it works

Prouloge

[Dannflor]

I am SOOOOOOO sorry for double posting but I messed up here it is


                                               Prouloge
                          It is Mine By right

       '' Luckan you are back finally''Said a woman clad in riches with a crown on top of her head it was a curious thing with a big star shaped diamond in its center.
   ''Yes your Highness it appears that a boy about 12 has it he is a small boy with re..... ''Stop I did not ask what he looked like what is his name''said the queen with distaste for her magician?''His name is Rehden son of Rodenth who died just last week''Said Luckan sounding Happy.
   ''Rodenth Dead she cried leaping out of her seat she was the one who had my magic stone the whole time and gave it to her son right''said the Queen loudly.''Right as rain but her son has it and same blood means same fate that is what I say''said Luckan ''He will be a bit of trouble I just knows it''He said spitting out the words.
   ''You do what you will with him as long as I have my stone ''Said the queen.'' But you're highness he is in another world and cannot come quite easily without me chopping my own toe off''said Luckan.''Well if you do not chop you're toe off then I will right down you're gizzard''Said the Queen. Luckan gulped ok ok if you say so you're Highness''Said Luckan walking away knowing what a close call he just had

                        ............................................

   ''What is that moanin and Jabbering about''Sighed a captain who banged his tankard of wine on the table spilling some all over himself.''Shut you're gob Cap'n or I will have to shut it for you''said a soldier with a scar running down his cheek ''it is Luckan moaning his spell so Be quite''. I heard said if we see a boy with red eyes report right away to her Royalness the Queen''said a soldier.''Aye because he is the one she wants and why''said the Captain.'' Who knows but stop Jabbering will ya''said the soldier who had the scar.
   They all tried to sleep with the spell Luckan was weaving
             To wadenth to wadenth
               A boy with eyes a sparkling red
               Who we all hope for im to be dead
               But bring him on on I say
               homa foma doma day
                  ''Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeek screamed Luckan as he choped his toe off. 

[MatthiasMan]

Ooh. Can't wait fer' more matey. ( I love to read people's fan fictions )

[Ceteruler]

Would you like advice/critique? Or are ou just posting it for our enjoyment?

[Dannflor]

 Do you really think it is good cause I can write the first chapter anytime I already planned it out

[Ceteruler]

Oh, I'm intersted; I was just wondering if you were hoping to make it better through here or just wanted to show it off.

[Dannflor]

 No not to show off I wanted to see if it was good

[Ceteruler]

Okay.
I think you've got a good idea, but there's a couple things that I can see that I would change.
1) fix up the punctuation. Make sure you don't have fused sentences, use capitals when necessary and don't when they aren't, and put proper spaces in between the quotation marks.
2) Add some description. I love writing, and the one thing I want to do most is make sure that the reader can tell what their surroundings and characters look like. So far I don't even know what any of your characters look like or where they are. They could have been in a palace, in the woods, or on a ship for all I know.

I apologize if you feel like I'm completely breaking you down, but that's just what I think. I'm looking forward to see more of the story!

[MatthiasMan]

Lovely story!

[Dannflor]

 Well I am really not good at punctuation but I will try here is the next chapter


                Chapter one
                  Rheden


   Rheden was a small boy for his age with dark brown hair and with much surprise his eyes were just like his mothers red red as the sun.He was crying for his mother had just been buried in a cemetery near the St Christopher's church backyard .He missed his mother it had almost been a week since she died but it was really hard on him no Mother and no Father.
   ''Rheden'' said a voice. Rheden jumped up surprised that someone found him. he turned around and saw his mother standing in the doorway. ''Mama'' he cried and ran toward her .He stopped dead in his tracks knowing this was just a ghost.
   Rheden I am gone and cannot help you but somehow I got a blessing and was able to see you Beware Rheden my son Beware of Wadenth it has an evil you cannot triumph over go to Peter he will be a good guide now I must go go go go.
   ''Rheden''? Rheden blinked ''What''. ''Dozing again Rheden'' said Rose his nurse until he was supposed to be old enough to go off on himself.''Uh no not really''said Rheden .Well go and play now I know your mom is dead but at least try to make friends''Said Rose as Rheden ran out the door.
   Rheden ran and ran until he came at the footstep of the sword smith Peter son of Patrick .He knocked at the door. A man in his twenty's came out  he was big and tough because of all the weapons he made in his apartment as he called it.''Oh Rheden how are you why do you come here come sit down and explain''Said Peter in a rough baritone voice.
   As Rhenden explained his dream He sat there thinking why his mother chose a sword smith to be his guide and why did he need a guide and what on earth was Wadenth.
   Peter sat there scratching his beard thoughtfully.''Well if your mother say's for me to be with you well then I guess I have to listen''said Peter.
   Rheden sunk into his chair questions showing up in his brain like a whirlwind barely hearing Peter as he spoke.He grabbed for his milk but he missed on accident knocking a vase down the other way it crashed in Peters wine.
   Rheden stood up and helped Peter pick up the vase saying his apologies over and over again until Peter said ''It is all right now stop blabbering like a drunken fool I only have waten '' said Peter Rheden laughed at the joke about water mixed with wine.Peter went and grabbed two swords they were deadly Rheden gulped thinking of people dying by the cruel pointed piece of steel.
   ''Here'' said Peter and handed him a sword ''this was the lightest one I could find ''. Rheden laughed he heard that swords weighed a lot of pounds but this one was as if he were carrying a spoon.
   ''But here'' said Peter handing Rheden his sword.Rheden laughed but not for long he picked up the sword and it fell with a loud bang. He tried again straining his muscles but to no avail he could not budge the thing.
   Peter laughed as Rheden gave back his sword dragging it along Peter picked it up without a single muscle straining .Then that was when Rheden noticed it on his sword a hole right in the middle of the sword it was shaped like the weird rock in his pocket maybe could he put the rock in there he put the rock in it and it fit. Peter was looking down at his feet as Rheden put the stone in it was then the room was getting dimmer and dimmer he saw Peter grab his sword and grab him on the arm and then darkness.           

[Ceteruler]

Ooo! It was much easier to picture the scene this time.

[Dannflor]

Thanks I have BIG plans for chapter two if you have any ideas then say um please

[Dannflor]

Ooo! It was much easier to picture the scene this time.

Good here is chapter two sorry AGAIN for double posting






               Chapter two
                Where am I

   Rheden was back in time.He was lying in his bed as his mother sang a song in the kitchen with the delicious smell of pancakes drifting through the air.Rheden never understood the song but it was nice to hear it he lay there lost in the song.
   Come all and enjoy
      This long and joyful toy
      Wadenth oh lasting glory
      Come and here my story
   
   ''Rheden wake up''said a voice.Rheden jumped up scared.''It is just me''said Peter calmly. Rheden stood up shaking the sleep off himself as Peter explained.''We were in the apartment remember'' Rheden nodded all of the things coming back to him.''Well''said Peter ''All of a sudden you began to disappear slowly at first then like a tornado I grabbed our swords and grabbed you I was right on time because I blanked out right when I touched you then I was here''Said Peter in a low tone.
   Rheden sat staring at his surroundings it was a forest with a small cave to his left.''Where are we'' he said still a bit queasy from the sleep.''I have been here before said Peter sadly it is Wadenth an earth with a cruel heartless Queen I tried to destroy her but all of the men surrounding me died because the queen had a new magician Luckan was his name''. Rheden sat there a question nagging his brain ''Who was the queen before this Tyrant ''. ''That is a question best asked later but see that stone in your sword well that is a magic stone it is shaped like a star it is the queen's possession and she won't stop at nothing to get it back so this world is a place of danger you do not know who is evil or who is good''said Peter in a quite a serious tone
   ''But why did my mother have this stone and I don't understand why are we in a new world that is just impossible '' said Rheden.
   ''Enough jabbering and we best get a movin before the Queen knows where we are''said Peter rising calmly.
   As Rheden and Peter walked along they heard a movement in the forest in a bush and weird voices in the bushes ''Stay there nosepickers I found them first they are mine''said a small voice to there left but to there right a small and elderly voice said ''Aye and get them killed blabbermouth who needs a small young sadcs as a little master ey ''. Peter said calmly ''We better get out of here they are the Sadcs a fierce tribe of small men ''.
   As they ran away they heard voices yelling ''You Idiot they escaped '' ''Aye and who did all the talking ey it was you'' ''Waaaaaaahh now they are gone and we don't get any slaves waaaaaaaahhhh''


                    .......................................
   As Luckan climbed the stairs sadly and went straight to the Queen's office. As he walked in he saw the Queen standing at the window she turned around her cold blue eyes stared down at Luckan as she said ''Luckan where is the boy''. Luckan stood straight as he said ''Your Highness the spell went wrong and he is in the Forest of Dangre with a man who tried to conquer you a long time ago remember Peter''Said Luckan in a sad tone.
   ''You directly disobeyed me I said bring the boy here now where is he''said the Queen ''Your Highness as I told you''...... ''I know what you told me now you listen to me get a small army and go seek him out '' said the Queen danger flashing in her eyes .Luckan stared dumbly at his foot now with only four toes ''Yes your Royalness said Luckan as he walked away to call together an army but why did he a magician need an army he would make an army with Magic and the stone will be the Queens forever .   

[Sleetfleet the Squirrel]

 It is OK

[Dannflor]

here is chapter three and four


         



                 Chapter Three
    
   Rheden sighed it had been a long and tiresome track threw the hot and mucky wood's he was tired was Peter he looked at Peter who was blabbering on about what Wardenth was and is.
   Rheden was just about to tell him that he was sick of this place when Peter mentioned the fist sized stone that he had Rheden threw himself down as Peter explained ''Rheden that stone you carry is not a stone it is a Dragon no THE Dragon son of Rblord the Dragon king he will hatch when it is passed by bloodline Rheden it should hatch for you soon if the Queen does not get it first '' said Peter calmly
   Rheden scoffed ''Peter be serious I am surprised enough that Wardenth is real but certainly not Dragon's said Rheden. Peter put his hand to his mouth and gestured for him to be quite as he drew his sword.
   Rheden tried to sit up but he could not he thought wildly if he could not move at least he should grab his sword he drew it out of his scabbard but dropped it as soon as he drew it.
   His sword was glowing red like it was on fire the stone popped from the scabbard with a small pop and landed at Rheden's feet .
   Rheden was as stiff as a carcass being buried he could not move a muscle he screamed in pain he looked down at his right leg four claw mark's ran down his leg the mark's changed color every second from red to green to purple to blue.
   Peter was surrounded by monster's they had head's like a wolf leg's and feet like a cheetah and a body like a lion but Peter fought bravely monster's going down like a whirlwind.
   A tine red claw no green wait purple no blue a ton of color's poked out of the egg than it burst egg shell's sprayed everywhere as the colorful Dragon popped out of the shell it licked itself than looked at Rheden and purred happily.
   Rheden reached out to stroke his scales but it hissed and snapped at Rheden's finger's. Rheden tried again going slowly the Dragon let him stroke him for a few seconds then turned to the battle it made a small growl and hissed at the monster's than turned back to Rheden
   Rheden winced when a pair of sharp claws started climbing up his shoulder. He noticed he could move he stood up raising his sword that was still Blazing red he laughed as courage seeped in him like poison in a snake he struck with lightning speed he felt new .He fought madly with the dragon clinging on his shoulder biting any monster that tried to get Rheden from behind.
   A Black monster that was taller than all the other's abviously thier leader turned and ran toward Rheden arm's astrech as it tried to reach and grab the Dragon .
   Rheden was thinking wildly to try to avoid the Big Beast but there was no way to escape. He was planning to strike when a small man ran ahead of him and slew the cheftain with two blow's from the small axe he had as he cried ''SADCSS''
   Two score of the little men came scurring into the fray shoughting at the top of their lung's ''SADCSS SADCSS SADCS''. Rheden and Peter were lost for word's but kept fighting Rheden kicked one monster in the head knoking him flat as he dwelt another monster a slash with is sword and silenced him for good.
   Rheden turned and saw a little man swinging a cutlass singing a war song.
                     The Sadcs are little men
                     but they have big heart's
                     they will go into a den
                     with only darts
                     ann only good enemy is
                     Dead Dead Dead

           Sadcs can fight all day
                     with out a care
                     until all of the enemy lay
                     dead in their lair
                     soo kill them all untill the river is covered with
                     Blood Blood Blood
   That gave the Sadc tribe new energy they slayed all of them exept a coward that escaped without any one seeing.
   The leader of the tribe spat on a carcass of a huge monster and turned to Rheden and Peter and said ''What in Blooming Blazes are you tw.. a three doing on Sadc territory eh'' said The man looking nerviously at the Dragon that Rheden named Warblood because he was born when a battle begun.
   Peter explained the whole story to the man who's name was Ian.
   Ian scoffed at Rheden ''He is just a little un how could he be the son of the old Queen Rodenth I know he has red eyes but that is impossible.
   Rheden stared at Peter open mouthed ''You knew all the time didn't you '' Said Rheden still in shock at what he just learned.
   Peter glanced at Ian and said ''You should not have said that friend I was waiting for a better time than this he will learn who and what he is fast enough want to join are party Ian''.
   Before Ian could awnser a Sadc about 15 years old came running he stopped at Ian and panted out ''Dad Golper after me again '' Another Sadc about 16 came running in and stopped at Ian's other side and said ''Dad Jolfer's calling me names again'' ''Who me that is a right fib you are the one who likes to beat me up '' Huh that is a bold face lie snoberchop's'' '' Bantynose'' Nosepicker's.
   Ian stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs Rheden covered his ears but that did not stop the outburst ''Jolfer sit down. Golper go over to help build a fire. NOW''.They did what there Dad said with no hesitation Jolfer turned to Peter and said ''Hello nosepicker's Ouch''
   Ian pulled Jolfer up by the nose and said ''Say Nosepicker's again and I will pull it off and make you eat it Git me'' said Ian gruffly. With tears streaming down his face Jolfer managed to say ''Righg Dot ing wit.















                    Chapter four
                     I will Redden the land with Rheden's blood
   

   Luckan sat and looked at the magic mirror he saw the battle and was happy he knew Peter would die sooner or later. He decided to look at Rheden who was probably asleep near the tree still.He looked at the tree and tore his hair when four mark's ran down Rheden's leg. He yelled at the top of his lung's ''NO'' that did no good, the Dragon came out of the shell. He bit his lip in torment for he knew what the Queen would do.
   The Queen came in the room and sat down on a chair next to Luckan she said ''Luckan what do you see. Luckan jumped and turned to the Queen and said loudly and with a frightened voice ''It hatched''.
   The Queen stood from her chair and went out of the room and yelled to Luckan ''Stay right there idiot stay and wait for you're penalty you are uhh why did you let him ARGG''.
   Luckan sat there in horror as the Queen came in with a sword he knew what was going to happen he cried to the Queen ''Your Highness NO please I am begging you I tried bu.. AAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHH''.
      The Queen wiped her sword with disgust on the carpet Luckan was moaning on the ground holding is left arm with now no hand .
   The Queen walked out the door and laughed as she spoke to the man that was rolling around in pain on the carpet blood trailing everywhere '' Oh pore Luckan wait'' she walked back and picked him up by the hair and said soothingly ''Luckan you tried to get that Dragon stone for me but that did no good so stop crying and'' her voice became dark ''Pick up that hand and EAT it bones and all''.
   She walked out of the room. When Luckan had finished eating his hand she laughed and said ''Next time it will be your head''.
   Luckan started to moan a spell he had his right hand, over the stump on his left and moaned
                            Blood blood stop oozing
                            let me do some snoozing   
   Immediately it stopped bleeding and healed up. Luckan walked over to a desk and took a small bottle of powder and threw some on the mirror.
   Luckan saw all of his army slain with small men tending to a gash on Peter's shoulder.
   Luckan went to the window and screamed ''Sadc's I curse you may your tribe fall apart once we win''
   The    Queen came in and said ''Luckan stop that jabbering and get over here and tell me something.
   Luckan went over and sat in a chair with the Queen in the diamond chair she said in a low tone ''Luckan you will not fail me again will you''. Luckan sighed ''No Royalness I will not''.
   The QUeen stood up and walked to the window and turned to Luckan and said coldly ''Then kill Rheden ''. Luckan ran to the desk and pulled out a container with a small toy cougar inside he looked at it as he spoke with his left stump ''Aye your Highness my little friend Sdeath just one second.
                         cougar why are you not in the tree
                         get in that tree with the bee
                         and kill Rheden for me
                         and for food for that bee
   Immediately the cougar was gone.The Queen said silently ''is he dead''.
   Luckan threw some more powder on the mirror he watched as he saw the cougar on a branch right above Rheden. Rheden was letting the Sadc Jolfer see his sword. The cougar pounced right when Jolfer swung the sword. Luckan screamed in rage as the head was knocked from the body of the cougar.
   Luckan went to the window and yelled ''I will redden the land with Rheden's blood''.