~A Rat with a Heart~

[Gabe The Warrior]

UPDATES (AS OF 5/26/13):
-Finished Chapter 2
-Changed the title of Chapter 2 w/ minor edits and addition of sentences.
-Minor edits in Chapter 1

@Blazemane,
With that said, WOW what a lengthy comment..! ^^;

Thanks, I really happy you're interested in my story. I can feel the excitement welling up inside of you, eager with anticipation about the story. You did provide some interesting ideas that I forgotten to consider about. Thanks I'm really glad!

Anyways, I'm over my depression. It's fine, I guess it was something momentarily and trivial. But now I feel good. Thanks for keeping a watch over me. Hope you enjoy Chapter 2.

[Blazemane]

@Blazemane,
With that said, WOW what a lengthy comment..! ^^;

Thanks, I really happy you're interested in my story.

You're very welcome!

Anyways, I'm over my depression. It's fine, I guess it was something momentarily and trivial. But now I feel good. Thanks for keeping a watch over me.

I'm glad to hear it! And you're welcome, again. And the offer still stands--should you ever need it, like I said, we are available to listen.

As for the story...

I am glad that Squeak didn't get have his "insubordination" reported to his father, but he hardly defied Rargo, anyways. He was still trying to figure out why it should be his turn to go into the lower levels.

With that said, I'm kindof glad he's in there now. I get the feeling that, having just spent time dreading going into the heat, he may suddenly realize (or remember) that he feels badly for the slaves.

By the way, your depiction of Rargo--the bread bouncing off his jowls and the sweat reaching to his whiskers--is a really good example of using sensory details to enter the reader's mind. Somehow, in combination with his belligerent, bullying attitude, he just really seems like an unpleasant fellow to be around.

[Gabe The Warrior]

I am glad that Squeak didn't get have his "insubordination" reported to his father, but he hardly defied Rargo, anyways. He was still trying to figure out why it should be his turn to go into the lower levels.

Ah!! That was it! I knew something was bothering me, but I didn't know what or I had forgotten! Thanks for pointing that out to me, I'll have to add more to that part.

With that said, I'm kind of glad he's in there now. I get the feeling that, having just spent time dreading going into the heat, he may suddenly realize (or remember) that he feels badly for the slaves.

By the way, your depiction of Rargo--the bread bouncing off his jowls and the sweat reaching to his whiskers--is a really good example of using sensory details to enter the reader's mind. Somehow, in combination with his belligerent, bullying attitude, he just really seems like an unpleasant fellow to be around.

Hmm, thanks for noticing those details! I was hoping to make him seem like a rotten dirty kind of character. I'm glad it was a success, hopefully.

[rachel25]

I really like this your metaphors are very good and it does make you want to read more  If it was possible to favourite stories on here I'd favourite this one OH and thanks for your comment for my story ~Finding You~