The Eastern Warrior

[Feles]

I just noticed that I didn't really describe any of the characters that well, im going to have to work on that too

[Feles]

ok, so I decided to tell you what type of creatures the characters are, considering the fact that I may forget to do so in the story
GOOD:
Midnight:  black furred mouse
Silven: Squirrel, wields two sabers
Abbot Hiro: Mouse
Sul: Squirrel, Abbey warrior
Duston: Squirrel, Sul's son
EVIL:
Xetill: stout, wields thornblade
Specter: Gray furred fox, loves killing creatures of all kinds, has bloodwrath
Sitar: Rat captain of Xetill's army
Pyxis: Rat captain of Xetill's army, fanatic with fire
Graggle: fox, leader of a roving vermin gang
Drang: a stout in Graggle's gang

btw these are only the characters that are in the book so far

[hidenseek]

Thanks for the character descriptions!  Great story so far, keep 'em coming.  

[Feles]

Thanks for the character descriptions!  Great story so far, keep 'em coming.  

thanks and welcome to the forum

[Captain Tammo]

Hey i saw your request asking me to give this a read, so i'll cut you a deal: I read yours if you read mine? It's called The Origins of Simon, let me know what you think! The sequel is being released pretty soon so you'll be all caught up!

Now for what i think so far! I think your fanfic is getting better with each chapter, which is really good! However i think there's still more that you could be adding. Sometimes adding content can be tedious and difficult, so add detail instead. For example, what was a certain character wearing? If you just introduced them, what do they look like other than a "ragged otter" or "stout hedgehog" (just as random examples). Tell me what kind of creature they are, what are they doing? What do they normally do? Are they alone? Why? You want to introduce a new character like you're introducing yourself. There's much more to you than being a human!

Adding on to that, tell me about yourself! what are you looking to do with this fanfic? do you have a set plan a few chapters in advance? Do you have a certain goal you're trying to achieve? Focusing on these can help us get a feel for where you're coming from with what you write about, and it also gives you something to think about while writing!

Also try adding detail to the setting. for example, what was the weather like? what colors are the characters seeing? what do they smell, touch, taste and hear? what time is it? stuff like that. Pretty soon you'll be finding that you have a much beefier looking chapter than before with the same amount of things happening that you already did (this is a little trick I use, too. Shh, it's a secreat )

[Feles]

I have read the origins of Simon and it is hands down the best fan-fiction I've read 
and thanks for the advice

[Mibety]

Keep writing!  I'm enjoying your Fan Fiction! 

[Feles]

Thanks 

[Feles]

right now I don't have time to make a new chapter but ill try to as soon as possible

[Feles]

I finally have time

Chapter 6

Most of the still sleepy abbey creatures were herded through the abbey gate with
Sul, Duston, Hiro and Skipper urging them along. Dibbuns, who had a fun and wild time the day before, and were almost asleep on their paws. "hurr, why we be'in leavin the h'abby, zurr?"
"We must baby Rocko." said Abbot Hiro said wearily
Sul and Duston were the only two fully awake, with Sul looking at the lawn and into the forest to the north. Duston was caught up in his thoughts mostly. Why had Martin asked them to leave the abbey? Who was this new menace Martin had spoke of? "Duston, Duston!
"hmm?"
"come on, everyobeasts almost out." exclaimed Duston's friend Roland, a squirrel like him.
"oh, we better hurry"

0000000000

Specter's plan was working efficiently. The grapples went over without a hitch, and Specter was over in an instant, Pyxis and Sitar not far behind.
Specter looked over the lawns at the abbey of Redwall, battle-hardened as he was awed at the stone building. But that didn't last long, he saw movement over by the north wallgate. Looking closer he hissed quietly "Pyxis, you see that over by the north wallgate."
"Yeah."
"Shoot it." Specter hissed again as Pyxis fitted an arrow to his bow.

00000000

Duston and Roland were just about out when an arrow just scratched Roland's cheek.
"Run toward the gate!" Duston yelled as he unstrung his bow.
As another arrow whizzed by Duston, he let off his shot and started running to the gate.

00000000

Xetill could hear commotion as one of his rats finished unlatching the gate.
The entirety of Xetill's force charged after the fleeing squirrel. but Xetill called off the charge, the gates had just closed, besides he had what he wanted, Redwall abbey.
Xetill met Specter soon after in Great Hall. "So, your plan worked, I've sent Pyxis to go get the rest of the army." said Xetill
"My plans always work."
"So they do Specter."
Just then Sitar entered, "Emperor Xetill, there is no one inside or outside the abbey"
"Of course there isn't dimwit," Xetill said distainfully "I just made you search because I wanted to know how long it would take you to understand that there wouldn't be anybeast"
Specter sniggered. "How did Sitar become a captain?"
"By helping lead my force against a lizard horde, he fought exceptionally well"
"hmph"

[The Skarzs]

Another good chapter!

Just some friendly advice: when you were telling how tired the Dibbuns were, instead of saying: "and were almost asleep standing up", it might sound better if you say: "And were nearly falling asleep on their paws." 

[Feles]

I think I changed, maybe
Anyway thanks...again

[Feles]

Chapter 7

Midnight and Silvin had come upon the road when the sun had just made it over the horizon when they were within 30 paces of the Abbey when several arrows came to bring them to the Dark Forest. Midnight, being used to sudden attacks similar to this one easily dodged the arrows, Silvin wasn't as used to the same circumstances and took an arrow to his left flank. Midnight returned fire while urging Silvin to the ditch "How badly are you hurt"
"Just a scratch, wish I had a ranged weapon though"
Midnight hit one archer, causing him to fall to the ground, taking a swift look at his fallen adversary, he saw the traditional, Empiric armor.
he and Silvin made it to the ditch about 20 seconds after the attack started
"What happened, they were supposed to be peaceful?!" Said Silvin, almost shouting
"They weren't those Redwall creatures you told me about, it was Xetill's horde"
" No way"
"Way"
"It just can't-" Silvin said disbelievingly when suddenly an arrow went slightly over the ditch and exploded in a ball of fire.
"Napalm arrows, Pyxis's specialty" Midnight commented dryly as he and Silvin made their way to Mossflower

0000000000

Pyxis stood on the battlements as he watched the meadow begin to catch alight
"you know Xetill wants him alive right?" asked a soldier also watching the blaze
"He'll live" Pyxis and the soldiers on the ramparts turned to see Xetill looking at the burning meadow as well"Well... you better hope he lives anyway, or you will pay a price worse than death, Pyxis"
"Emperor, you know he will live, that mouse is the luckiest beast on the planet" "And has skills that nearly match yours"
"Well said Pyxis, well said"
Suddenly, a figure was spotted in the ditch "Sir!"
"I know, its Specter"

0000000000

Midnight and Silvin were almost to the forest when the gray fox caught up with them, Midnight turned to face the fox and said quite calmly despite the situation "Well Specter, a duel I expect.
"Why of course, wasn't it obvious"
"It was" Midnight said drawing his katana, taking a peek at the fire rapidly approaching them
Specter drew his own two katanas' and immediately began pushing Midnight back with rapid, but tactical attacks. Midnight wasn't able to parry without exposing one part of his body to Specter's unrelenting attacks, so he was forced to dodge backward. Midnight then spotted an opportunity and dodging to the side instead of backward was able to get a gash across Specter's face, momentarily stunning him. That was all the time Midnight needed, he ran off just as the fire reached Specter. once in the safety of the forest he looked back at a creepy scene of fire licking at Specter as he stood looking at Midnight. Their eyes connected and Midnight saw the light of insanity glowing in the eyes of Specter. Seeing enemy soldiers approaching the scene of battle he headed into the woods.


A new chapter
YAY

[The Skarzs]

It's a little fast-paced still, but I keep looking forward to what happens next!

[Feles]

I try not to, it just comes out that way

Chapter 8

As Sul and Duston were getting their much needed rest, Skipper had a conference with the abbot, "I'm getting that abbey back Abbot, I respect Martin's word and all, but all of these creatures you see before you have grown up in the abbey, t'aint right to make them leave like that"
Abbot Hiro sighed, "I understand your words Skipper, but Martin saved all of the creatures of the abbey with his warning."
"I know it is a risk Abbot, but I need to fight for peace, and im not having Redwall fight alone, im going to send some of my warriors to the Guosim and the Long Patrol."
"Very well, Skipper"
Suddenly, an otter sentry yelled a warning as a squirrel and a mouse with black fur walked calmly into the camp "Halt," the otter said "who are you?"
"don't remember me Sven?"
"Silvin?"
"Aye"
Immediately, the otter's demeanor changed to one of friendliness "What are you doing back here friend"
"Midnight here will explain, right Midnight"
"These are the creatures of Redwall, are they not" Midnight commented
"Aye Midnight, these are the creatures or Redwall"
After some time of greetings and both parties had relayed both of their stories, Skipper, Sul, Midnight, and Silvin had a counsel of war.
"Midnight and I will lead the main force to the West wallgate, to distract the forces as Silvin leads a much smaller force of creatures to the East wallgate, and hopefully all of the enemy forces will be concentrated on us." Skipper said
"Smart plan, but I don't leave hope in my plans, I say only squirrels in the infiltration force, Sul, if it is not to much to ask"
Duston, who had been eavesdropping on the war plans immediately showed himself and practically begged to be part of the infiltration force "Father, may I please go, please father, please!"
Sighing, Sul said with obvious regret "Yes, because there is no point with arguing with a exhilarated young creature, you would probably go whether I said yes or no, just please stay safe and listen more experienced creatures before you rush into the hands of the enemy"
"Thank you father, I wish I could promise you something in return-"
"You could, by not getting yourself killed"
"I wont get myself killed father, I promise on my bow"

000000000000

Crux, a captain in Xetill's horde watched in awe as Specter was treated to the burns on his left side and scar on his face, a smile was spread across the fox's face. Smidge, the healer was also surprised by such behavior, momentarily the smile vanished as Specter said "Stop staring at me Crux, have you never seen a madbeast before". Crux was out of the infirmary in no time at all.
Smidge wasn't scared by the comment at all though, he knew of Specter's insanity long before anyone else did, though he didn't think it was so bad, the light in his eyes that almost never vanished had told him as much. Xetill came in then to behold his second, "You weren't to chase him, Specter"
The smile now disappeared for good and Specter sat up"I know, but it was too long since my blades tasted blood"
"Good enough reason to stay in command, though if you killed him, I would kill you right here and now, torture wont have its desired effects on you, would it."
"Of course not"

Another chapter where Specter's insanity is shown in full, and the creatures of Redwall plan their first attack.