Strangers at Redwall (crackfic) - Winner of the RAFF Atypical Award!

[Maudie]

Ah, this makes my life...

[Jukka the Sling]

I'm so glad you like it!

[Russa Nodrey]

Awesome!!! I especially liked this part:

"They crossed the sun-splashed lawns in the open since the skies were officially free of arrows, and Lilianna started singing merrily.  She apparently thought it was really melodious, but in actuality her voice was so shrill it caused the forumers to wince and ruptured the innocent eardrums of a passing crow. The crow fluttered to earth and collapsed in pain, and that is the last we shall hear of it in this story."

[Lady Amber]

This is awesome! I'm really looking forward to the next chapter. Seeing what happens to Maska, Masko, Ash, and Soren should be interesting.

[rachel25]

Loving it so much so far. This Lilianna is my ultimate worst nightmare as a person, I love it.

[Jukka the Sling]

Worst nightmare?  Really?  Apparently I did something right...

Thank you all!

[Delthion]

This is quite good! All that I ask is for more crows or such creatures to be harmed in the making of this fan-fic! And the next chapter to be written sometime before next June.

[Jukka the Sling]

Here are all the previously-posted chapters of my crackfic!  The newest chapter will be up in just a second, because I had a 50,000 character limit.

@Lord Ashenwyte @Russa Nodrey @Lady Amber @Søren @Peony @Delthion @Skarzs @Faiyloe @rachel25 @Rainshadow @Mask @Tam and Martin

Oh, and @James, as requested, you have the smallest of cameos.

Chapters 1-8

Chapter One

Somewhere in Mossflower...

Faiy came to with a jerk, staring up at the trees around her. Where am I? I was just sitting at the computer posting in an RP...

She sat up, taking in her surroundings... and immediately realized something shocking. She covered her mouth and screamed, "I'M A SQUIRREL!!!"


* * *
A short distance away, a cougar, two squirrels, a wildcat, a hare, a mouse, and two otters were sitting around discussing what had just happened to them. (They'd all woken up in the forest as animals with a single piece of paper in each of their pockets that read simply: Rach, Rain, Oracle, Jukka, Amber, Russa, Faiy, Corny, Tam, and Skarzs.)

As they were talking, the oldest of the group, Skarzs the cougar, suddenly felt in his other tunic pocket and pulled out a small piece of paper. While the others talked, he skimmed it and then said:

"Hey, I just found this in my pocket. And guys... I'm pretty sure we're in Mossflower!"

"Well, it makes sense," the hare Tam said. "After all, we're animals..."

"But how'd we get here?" the wildcat Rain broke in.

Skarzs sighed. "Give me a chance to read it to you guys.

'Through love of a series,
Here you have been transported.
Seek Redwall,
Before you are thwarted
By vermin.

From over the plains come the foe.
If you wish to return,
On a quest you must go.
Find the sword of matchless worth,
Then use it to find your destiny.
Follow where it may lead.
The greenstone is the key.'"

"That didn't explain how we got here," the mouse Amber pointed out.

"And it barely rhymed," her sister Russa (who happened to be an otter) chimed in.

At that moment they heard someone crashing around a distance away calling out, "Hello? Anyone there?"

The squirrel Oracle stood up and walked over to the source of the noise, peering into the translucent green depths of the woods. "It's a squirrelmaid... maybe it's... Faiyloe?"

"That's my username on a forum..." said the squirrelmaid as she walked into the little clearing where the group was gathered.

Rachel, an otter, suddenly yelled out, "Faiy! It's me, Rach, from the forum!"

"Really?" Faiy asked, a weird look on her face. "How...?"

Corny, a squirrelmaid, grabbed the paper off of Skarzs and ran over. "Read this!"

Rach attempted to explain, but then gave up since Faiy was already reading the paper.

Just then they heard someone else calling out, "Hey! Is anyone there?"

"Look!" Tam shouted. "A ferret!"

Everyone looked alarmed.

"I'm not evil!" the ferretmaid shouted back. "Um... this is a weird question, but are you guys members on a Redwall forum? 'Cause I'm Jukka."

Skarzs glanced at the list of names. "Alright, that's all of us. I suggest we get going now."

"Where?" Jukka asked.

"Redwall, of course!" Corny put in.

Jukka suddenly grinned. "Awesome! Let's go!"

* * *
After some calculations of which direction they should head, the group set off, making good time.

Chapter Two

Earlier that morning...

"Wow. Just wow," said Abbot Riphley, gazing out at the western flatlands. He had come up on the wall to enjoy the beautiful morning along with his cup of hot mint-and-comfrey tea, when, to the mouse's utter surprise, he saw a horde of weasels and rats amassed on the plain. Reflecting on the fact that that was a run-on sentence, the mouse ducked below the battlements and continued sipping his tea. Redwall had been attacked so many times, and they always won. There was plenty of time to warn everybeast else.

Just then, Skipper Keena came up on the wall. Keena was the first-ever female river otter Skipper, and was also an adamant feminist. Abbot Riphley was about the only male she respected.

"Mornin', Riphley."

The Abbot put down his now-empty cup. "Keena, you always call me by my first name. Can't you call me 'Abbot'? It makes me feel awesome."

The Skipper rolled her eyes and shoved the Abbot good-naturedly in the shoulder. "You're -" She broke off, her gray-green eyes fixed on the horde assembled on the plain. "Um, Riphley?"

Riphley stood up. "Yeah, I know. Vermin. Let's go tell the others."

* * *
Within just ten seconds, the entire Abbey was roused from their slumbers and gathered in Great Hall. They'd always been exceptionally exceptional at everything they did. Riphley simply called out, "Vermin are outside!" and the crowd began to disperse, heading out to the walltops. "What else is new?" some random dormouse yelled above the general hubbub. "We'll soon sort 'em out!"

Riphley and Keena walked outside again, when they were approached by the Abbey Warrior. Lilianna Crystalline Nightflash was her name, and she was an impossibly beautiful squirrelmaid of seventeen, with a backstory filled with such woe it would make you weep to hear it. She had dark brown, almost black fur, with a lovely sheen to it, and her headfur was a delicious honey-gold, braided in a long rope that nearly reached her footpaws. She wore a turquoise tunic which complemented her ocean-blue eyes, and her sandals were of the type worn by Redwallers, albeit with golden thread woven into the straps.

Lilianna, despite her previously-referred-to backstory, had perfect manners and loved helping with the Dibbuns. She frequently had spasms of melancholy, but since everybeast simply adored her, someone always cheered her up.

The squirrelmaid had shown up outside Redwall's gates one fateful morning, bloody and half dead. Once she was safely inside the Abbey, she told Abbot Riphley that she'd just slain her family's killer in the woods nearby, and as proof showed the astonished mouse her silver dagger, literally dripping with blood. Then she passed out. Skipper Keena said something about how females always handled quests for revenge far more efficiently than did males, and she whisked the squirrelmaid away. With some mystical healing skills the otter had acquired goodness knows where, Lilianna recovered the next day, and was instantly made Abbey Warrior. She was just fourteen.

Now, as Riphley and Keena walked outside, Lilianna approached them, looking mournful. "Father Abbot, Skipper, I'm worried by these vermin."

"Why?" Keena inquired, looking at the squirrelmaid fondly. Ever since the otter leader had mystically healed Lilianna, she'd loved her as a daughter.

"I just have a feeling," Lilianna replied, her hair glinting beautifully in the morning sun.

Riphley looked frightened. Lilianna had had feelings twice before, and both times something dreadful had happened. "Ohmygoodnesseverybeastweneedtoworry'causeLilianna'sgotafeeling!" he screamed.

Every Redwaller shrieked and ran back inside the Abbey building. "We'll all be slain in our beds!" yelled some random dormouse.

Chapter Three

Unbeknownst to the Redwallers, the group of forum members had reached the Abbey a short time before. After about ten minutes of shouting for somebeast to let them in, Oracle had the brilliant idea of picking the lock. It took a while, but eventually they made it in, just in time to see the episode with the Abbot, Skipper, and Lilianna.

* * *
"Murder! Mayhem! Help!!!" the random dormouse screamed, dashing around the corner of the Abbey building. He collided with Rach, who happened to be in the front of the group, and stumbled back in shock at the sight of a cougar, wildcat, and ferret with a bunch of woodlanders. The shock was too great, and he passed out.

"Well, that was interesting," Rach said, stooping over the random dormouse and slapping his cheeks. After a second, she straightened up. "He's definitely out, anyway."

"What now?" Corny asked, gazing around at the Abbey (which she was thrilled to finally be visiting). "Should we go talk to that screaming Abbot and that otter and squirrel?"

Rach suddenly grinned. "Sounds like a good idea."

* * *
Abbot Riphley was still screaming about how they were all going to die, when without warning he heard a voice behind him.

"We are not going to die," declared a figure that suddenly stepped out of the shadows near the stupefied Abbot, Skipper, and Abbey Warrior. Lilianna was startled, but still managed to look epic despite her own surprise at the figure's sudden appearance.

"Who are you?" the squirrelmaid inquired, drawing her silver dagger (which happened to have a pearl-studded hilt).

The figure threw back its hood, revealing a teenage ottermaid with dark brown fur and sky-blue eyes. Lilianna eyed her with a somewhat superior air, unusual for her. Though she and the unknown otter shared the same basic fur and eye colors, she saw at once that the younger girl only had sky-blue eyes. Not many could boast ocean-blue eyes.

"I'm Rachel of - of Gadna," replied the ottermaid. "Seems you need a bit of assistance with those vermin."

Abbot Riphley finally found his voice. "And what gave you that idea?"

At that moment, a random squirrel ran by screaming his head off. "We're doomed! Doomed, I tell you!"

"That answer your question?"

Keena spoke up. "How'd you get in?!"

"That's for me to know and you to find out," Rachel answered mysteriously. "Now, enough of this. Guy-ys!" she sang out, smiling for some strange reason.

Out of the shadows appeared the other teenage creatures. Lilianna sighed dramatically. "If you're thinking all of you are going to help us defeat the vermin or something, I'm sorry, dear, but it won't work." She sighed again and turned away, shaking her head.

Keena and Riphley looked at each other and said together, "Agreed."

The Abbot added, "If you young'uns will excuse us, we're going to go and hide in Cavern Hole." They sped off, Lilianna following.

"Wait!" one of the teenagers yelled. "Lilianna, you do know you're a Mary Sue, right?"

Lilianna spun around. "What was that?"

The speaker, who happened to be Jukka, grinned at her. "Yeah, a Mary Sue. Someone who's impossibly beautiful, perfect, epic, good at everything. Fanfiction authors hate them."

Lilianna had no idea what a fanfiction author was, but she burst into tears and ran off, sobbing.

The ferretmaid's companions glared at her. "Um, Jukka? That was unnecessary," Corny said.

Jukka laughed. "You've got to admit she was asking for it. She's SO Mary-Sueish."

Skarzs pulled the piece of paper out of his tunic pocket. "Yeah, but we need the Redwallers on our side if we're ever going to get out of this." He examined the paper for the millionth time, and everyone looked over his shoulder at the weird message written on it.

After a minute, several wandered away from the group and gazed around, enraptured with the whole idea of being in Redwall Abbey.

Rain turned towards them. "Guys, get back here! I know it's awesome being in Redwall and all, but we have to plan our next move!"

"Our next move should probably be finding Martin's sword," the squirrel Oracle put in, twirling his bushy tail (which he was still getting used to). "But is it in Great Hall, or..?"

Skarzs turned and set off for the Abbey. "Let's ask the Redwallers."

Tam sprinted ahead just for fun. "I can't believe I'm actually in Redwall! And I always thought I'd probably be a hare, and I am!"

Thunk!

An arrow buried itself in the ground two inches from Tam's footpaw.

Chapter Four

He gaped in alarm as the arrow scrabbled in the dirt, burying itself deeper and deeper.

The rest of the group saw what had happened and ran toward the hare. Faiyloe reached him first and stared at the arrow. "What just happened?"

Rain also stared at the mostly-buried arrow. "Um, it looks like the arrow buried itself."

Faiy smacked her forehead. "Brian Jacques used the expression 'buried itself' a lot! Remember?"

"Yeah, but why did the arrow literally do that?" Corny asked.

For a second, Faiy looked on the verge of an explanation, but she wasn't. "I... don't know."

Russa blinked owlishly.

Everyone stood there for a moment longer, staring at the now-entirely-buried arrow, then walked towards the Abbey.



* * *
Out in Mossflower, a teenage badger stumbled along through the undergrowth as though he wasn't used to his own paws. Which was, in fact, the truth. For this badger was actually Soren, and he had found himself transported to an unknown forest (which he quickly deduced to be Mossflower) about half an hour after the others had.

Unlike Faiy, however, he had found the scrap of paper in his pocket (which didn't have his name), and so was a little better informed than he might have been. And as he walked along, yelling random names on the list, he wondered when he'd meet up with the other forum members.



* * *
Somewhere fairly nearby, another badger was also ambling along, looking for people on his list. He was Lord Ashenwyte, whom we will refer to as Ash.

Suddenly, he heard voices nearby. Ash's ears perked up automatically, and he crept forward, concerned that they could be vermin.



* * *
Mask (the girl - whom we will call Maska for easy identification) was also walking along a short distance away in the form of an otter. Next to her was Mask (the boy - whom we will call Masko) in the form of a fox. They were alternately chatting about stuff and calling out for the forum members on their list. Suddenly, Masko stopped and listened intently.

"Did you hear that?" he asked.

Maska looked around. "No."

"It was someone yelling," he answered.

Just then, a badger ambled into view on their left. Surprised, Maska looked up at him. "Um, hi," she said. "Uh, this is random, but are you some guy off a Redwall forum?"

"Uh, yeah... I'm Soren on there," the badger replied.

Suddenly Maska squealed. "This is so AWESOME!!! We're all animals, and we're actually getting to MEET each other!"

Masko looked at her oddly, but then added, "Yeah, it is!"

"And who are you two on the forum?" Soren asked, grinning about the whole situation.

"I'm THE Mask," Masko answered.

"And I'm Mask," Maska said.

A sound interrupted them, and all three turned, looking a little apprehensive. Soren wished vaguely that whoever had sent them there had provided them with weapons. But their fears were allayed when another young badger entered the clearing.

"You wouldn't by any chance be a forum member too?" Masko inquired, sure he was right.

"Uh, yeah. I'm Lord Ashenwyte."



* * *
After introductions were made, Maska looked at the three males and asked brightly, "Now what?"

"We all seemed to be heading west," Masko remarked thoughtfully. "Probably not a coincidence."

"Then let's keep heading that way," Ash said. He suddenly broke into a grin. "I wonder when we'll meet the other members."

Soren quickly set off. "C'mon, then. I can't wait."

The fox, otter, and two badgers disappeared into the trees.

Chapter Five

Back at the Abbey, the forum members were in trouble. They'd just reached the locked Abbey door when a hail of arrows, some of them flaming, descended upon the front lawns. One of the lit ones singed Skarzs' tail, and another missed Tam's head by a quarter of an inch. (The poor guy had now had two near misses in the space of two minutes.) Needless to say, everyone turned and fled.

Ducking around the north side of the Abbey building, the group pressed themselves against the wall just behind a chimney.

"Well," Rain said calmly, "guess we'll have to find another way to get in."

Tam and Amber, who were furthest back, suddenly turned at the sound of a crash coming from a ground-floor window a few feet away.

"What was that?" Amber asked curiously, edging towards the window with her back to the wall.

"Don't know," Tam responded, following the mousemaid. The rest of the group slowly followed.

Reaching the window, Amber stared in surprise. The window looked into a storeroom, in which the Abbot and Lilianna were currently standing, covered in honey and flour. A half-empty flour sack lay on the floor next to the squirrelmaid, next to shards of what had once been a large jar.

Amber and Tam (who'd just gotten to the window) exchanged a glance and nearly burst out laughing.

Riphley and Lilianna suddenly looked up and saw the forumers assembling at the window. Just as quickly, they looked away and busied themselves with grabbing food items off of the shelves, pretending the forumers hadn't seen them in their predicament.

Corny reached out and tapped on the window. "Hey, couldja let us in?"

Riphley turned, feigning surprise. "Oh, hello again, young'uns," he called, coming to the window. He looked anxious, and it actually wasn't because of his appearance. "Lilianna and I are just taking some supplies to Cavern Hole in case - they - decide to besiege us instead of killing us outright." He opened the window a crack and whispered, "Have they gotten in yet?"

"Uh... no," Oracle answered, rather annoyed at the middle-aged mouse who for some inexplicable reason reminded him of Denethor.

Riphley heaved a long shuddering sigh. "G-good," he said, wringing his floury paws like one on the verge of a panic attack. "Oh... do you want to come in?"

"Yeah... that'd be nice," Corny said, and several others nodded.

Riphley, his embarrassment forgotten, opened the window wide. "Hurry up, then!" he squealed, terror written on his face.

Amber went through first, Tam following. As soon as the mousemaid's footpaws hit the floor, she let out a screech and jumped to the side. "Oh, I forgot for a minute that there was broken ceramic," she said, wincing in pain.

Of course, Tam was careful to watch where he put his footpaws after that. So was everyone else.

Once they were all through, the group headed for the storeroom door.

"Where are you going?" Lilianna asked, speaking for the first time.

Russa answered. "We, uh, are on this mission. Quest. Thing." She grinned. "For the..." she trailed off, realizing it was probably unwise to tell them that they were trying to find the sword.

A few of the group chuckled at her first sentence, but others rolled their eyes. Rachel turned to the ottermaid. "Hey, be careful," she whispered as quietly as possible, "or they might think we're gonna steal it!"

Russa nodded, glad she had stopped herself.

"What sort of mission quest thing?" Lilianna inquired sweetly.

Skarzs laughed lightly. "Oh, uh, it's nothing, really. C'mon, guys."

"But we need help here," the squirrelmaid said, suddenly forgetting the mission quest thing. "Who knows how long we'll be besieged?" She glanced at Skarzs and lowered her lashes coyly.

"Sorry," Skarzs said shortly. "We don't have time to waste." He left the room and the others filed out behind him.

Lilianna looked mournful for the second time that day. She had harbored a crush on the cougar ever since she had first seen him, ten minutes before. He was not going to get away from her.

Skarzs was a little creeped out by the squirrelmaid's lash-lowering, but he had no idea of the danger he was in. When Lilianna Crystalline Nightflash wanted something, she'd get it - and remain sweet and gorgeous the whole time.

Faiy had seen the whole thing, and... thought it was hilarious.



* * *
After getting lost a few times in the vast Abbey, the forumers made it to Great Hall. They then split up, looking on every wall for the sword of Martin the Warrior.

Great Hall was great - bigger than any of them had pictured. Columns towered above them, reaching up to the ceiling. Looking at it, Russa realized just how frightening it must have been for Matthias to climb all that way - and with a rebel sparrow in tow.

Oracle and Jukka happened to be searching the same area together, and several forumers started whispering and giggling. Oracle turned at the same time Jukka did, and they both yelled at about the same time, "Oh, stop it!"

Jukka added, "We're not together, so stop saying it." Then she added with a mischievous grin, "You'd be better off teasing Faiy and Skarzs."

"Yeah," Oracle said. "There's far more reason to ship them than us."

"Oh, come on," Faiy said, crossing her arms. Skarzs kept a straight face.

Oracle and Jukka grinned and didn't press the matter further.

The group continued searching. After a short time, however, it became clear that the sword was nowhere to be found.

"Now what?" Rachel asked.

Chapter Six

Warm sunshine caused the four creatures to squint and shade their eyes as they emerged from the forest south of the Abbey. Upon seeing the redstone building in the distance, they stared in delight.

"Redwall!" Soren exclaimed, excitement evident in his tone. He turned and faced slightly northwest. "And, there's a bunch of vermin... shooting arrows at it," he added, hastily stepping back into the shelter of the trees.

The others stared. Then: "Guess we'll have to backtrack through the woods and come around from the east," Masko said resignedly, turning around.

"Wait," Maska said, peering out from the trees. She looked slightly mischievous. "Why don't we go and spy out the enemy?" Inspiration struck. "And set fire to their camp."

Her three companions gave her a look that plainly said, Wut?

"No, really," Maska said, grinning. "You're a fox" - indicating Masko - "so we'll have a better chance of, well, not being killed." She paused. "Wonder if we can even be killed here," she mused, half to herself.

"But why?" Ash demanded. "The Abbey's right over there!"

"But don't you think this'd be fun?" Maska inquired, shrugging slightly.

"Well, maybe," Soren said slowly, "but Ash and I are badgers... although small for our 'species'," - he made air quotes - "and we couldn't exactly blend in very well, if that's what you're thinking of doing."

Masko (yes, the guy), suddenly grinned wildly. "Actually, this could be fun."

"It's crazy!" Ash said.

Maska (the girl) turned to the badger. "Why? Y'know, this plan is practically foolproof. Since Masko's a fox, he can pretend he captured us or something, we'll get into the camp, and then one or all of us can slip away and set fire to a tent or whatever's handy." Seeing Ash's skeptical look, she added, "Come on. What's the worst that could possibly happen?"

"I can think of a lot of things," Ash said, rolling his eyes, "but yeah, that does sound fun." He thrust his paws into the pockets of his simple tan tunic.

"Yeah, I think so too," Soren said, grinning in a slightly maniacal way. "Vermin are really clueless, so it just might work. Plus, it'll help the Redwallers, 'cause the archers over by the Abbey will probably stop shooting and run back to save their stuff."

Maska smiled cheerily. "Okay, then! Let's go!"

And they bravely set off across the open ground towards the vermin camp, which was set back quite a ways from the Abbey.



* * *
"Take me to your leader," Masko (the boy) said commandingly to the three weasels who confronted them as soon as they drew within five meters of the camp.

The main weasel, a skinny, timid creature called Dumbluck, pointed his spear at the foursome in what he fondly imagined was a threatening manner. In actuality, he looked like a homeschooler fencing for the first time.

"'Oo are yer?" he asked.

"I am the Mask, and I have captured these insolent woodlanders you see behind me." (Here Soren, Ash, and Maska did their best to look insolent, yet downtrodden.) "I wish to speak to your leader, 'cause I have a proposition for him."

Dumbluck was not very bright, even for a vermin. (It was a wonder to his family how he had survived to adulthood. He had earned his name at the age of six after surviving walking into pike-infested waters, falling off a small cliff, and taking a bath.) And thus it was that the weasel didn't even question how a young fox could have single-pawedly captured two badgers and an ottermaid and led them there unchained.

"Er... um, follow me, Yer Lordship," he said, lowering his spear and turning around. His buddies did the same.

Masko turned and mouthed, "That was so easy!" to his companions, then followed, head and brush held high. The ottermaid and two badgers followed, biting back laughter at the humor of the whole situation.

They walked past ragged tents crowded close together and occupied by smelly vermin, some of whom looked at them curiously as they passed. Ash was tempted to hold his nose, but thought that might not go over well.

Suddenly, Maska (the girl) elbowed Soren in the ribs from her place behind him. "Okay, Soren, go set fire to something!"

"Me?" he asked. She hadn't told them who would go first.

"Yeah, you! Oh, and once you've done that, hurry back here!"

Soren shrugged. "Okay then." As they passed a tent that was particularly close, he quickly slipped behind it. The nearby vermin were so clueless they failed to notice the badger's disappearance.

Heart pounding with excitement, Soren looked around for the nearest source of fire. He found it almost immediately. Behind him was a group of three rats gathered around a small blaze, cooking some unidentified frying object. The badger thought for a second, then picked up a rock and threw it hard at the nearest rat, ducking quickly behind the nearest tent as soon as the missile left his paw. The beast dropped instantly. However, he fell into the fire, which was something Soren hadn't anticipated. He covered his mouth in shock. Fortunately for the rat, however, his buddies yanked him out and then ran for help.

Soren approached the fire, feeling awesome. He cast about for a long stick and soon found one. It caught instantly, and he grinned and turned to the tents round about him. Setting them ablaze was easy... and fun. After the third tent was torched, Soren realized he was always meant to be a pyromaniac.



* * *
While Soren was enjoying himself, Masko, Maska, and Ash were outside the leader's tent (which was set a little apart from the others), waiting for Dumbluck to finish informing the warlord about them. Maska figured they had a moment to slip away and wreak some havoc.

"Okay, let's go!" she hissed.

"But what if they come back while we're gone?" Ash pointed out.

"They won't," Masko (the guy) said.

"Yeah, we'll hurry," Maska said gleefully.

Ash acquiesced and they hurried away, slipping between the closely-packed tents.

They spotted a couple of weasels sitting by a campfire with their backs to them and tippawed closer. Masko held up a paw, signalling that he'd take care of it. He grabbed a heavy pole that happened to be handy and said loudly, "Hey, you!"

Both vermin turned. Masko dealt them both a heavy blow between the eyes and they went as limp as boned fish. No, a more accurate description would be that they were boned fish. As the vermin hit the ground, the forum members suddenly found themselves staring at a pair of filleted fish.

They were too stunned to say anything for a moment. Then:

"Well," Ash said, eyes bulging, "that... was weird."

Maska (yeah, the girl) edged away from the gruesome scene. "Er... yeah."

"Well," Ash said again, "I... what? Just, what was that?"

"I have no idea," said Masko, inspecting his pole as though he expected it to be the cause.

"Um, let's, uh, get to that fire now," Maska said, grabbing her internet twin's pole and sticking it in the flames. Ash and Masko quickly found sticks and lit them, and then they all set fire to the surrounding tents.

From the other side of the camp, thick smoke spiraled into the afternoon sky. Shouts could be heard from that direction.

"Soren must have gotten started," Ash commented, then started coughing as smoke from the tents near them entered his lungs and stung his eyes.

"Well, I think we're done here," Maska said, coughing. "We'd better get back to the leader's tent before they realize we started this."

They turned and took a different route to the leader's tent. It had only been about five minutes, but when they got there they knew they were in trouble - the evil warlord himself was standing there. He was a large pine marten, with sable fur, green eyes, and a lightning-shaped scar on his cheek. As soon as he saw them, he signalled for four burly weasels who had lain in wait to seize them. Soren was nowhere to be seen.

The fox, badger, and ottermaid resisted bravely, but to no avail. The weasels dragged them before the evil warlord and he glanced at them evilly.

"Burn them in the fire they started!"

Chapter Seven

"I think we should try the Gatehouse," Del said. "It has to be there."

They were all standing in the shadow of a small doorway that faced south.

Amber poked her head out so she could see, her auburn headfur falling around her face. "Yeah, but there could be more arrows," she said, and pulled back again.

Several sighed.

"Well, there haven't been any arrows for a while," Rain said, peering out past Skarzs's shoulder at the sun-dappled lawns outside. It was late afternoon, on one of those gorgeous days in late summer when it has rained the day before and the wind wildly tosses the treetops every few minutes. Cottony clouds scudded across the sky and cast fickle shadows on the ground.

"I think we should make a dash for the, uh, south wall," Tam said, pointing, "and then follow it to the west wall and the Gatehouse."

They looked. The south wall was a distance away, and the Abbey orchard and part of the pond lay between it and them.

Skarzs, the de facto leader of the gang, turned to his friends. "Well, what do you guys think?"

"Maybe. If we hurry," Russa said, flipping her wild, unbrushed red hair out of her face.

The others nodded, though a few looked a little unsure.

"Okay..." Skarzs said, and suddenly broke cover and ran. The others followed, dashing through the orchard (where Tam and Del somehow managed to score a pear each), and within a minute the forumers reached the south wall, panting. Being careful to stay under the overhang of the battlements, they turned west and kept walking, single file. Del and Tam were at the back, taking huge bites of pear.

Corny, third from the back, stared at the hare and other squirrel with undisguised confusion. "Seriously? We have a mission here, y'know!"

"We haven't eaten in ages!" Tam protested.

Del grinned and, just to spite the squirrelmaid, took another huge bite of fruit. Juice dribbled down his furry chin and squirted out in a stream that hit Corny in the eye. (He hadn't planned that, of course, but man, was it funny now!)

"Sorry!" he giggled as Corny spluttered in annoyance and rubbed at her juicy eye.

"Ew! Gross!" she exclaimed. But seeing Tam and Del's mirth, she broke down laughing too, rolled her eyes, and walked on.

They reached the Gatehouse a few minutes later. By now everyone had realized that Redwall was more vast than any had imagined. And they still couldn't get over the fact that they were actually there! Russa looked like she was going to melt into a happy little puddle, she was grinning so much, and Faiy kept giving impulsive little shudders of excitement. Which, you may imagine, alarmed everyone around her.

As was just said, they reached the Gatehouse. Rach broke ranks and dashed inside before anyone could stop her. Three seconds later, they heard a shriek of "I FOUND IT!" and Rach emerged, carrying the sword of legend and grinning like she was demented.

"Oh my word, I can't believe I'm actually seeing this!" Jukka gushed, running toward the ottermaid with the others. "Seriously, all of this is so unbelievable, anyway, and you know, I think this is just the perfect day for this, with all this wind and stuff, it makes everything epic..."

Her sisters knew what she was talking about, but she doubted anyone else did, so she dropped the subject and backed away as the others surged forward, almost as epicized as she was.

"Okay," Skarzs said after the sword had been touched and gawked at for about half a minute, "I think we should get out of the open, because, you know, if a Redwaller saw us with that, they would probably think the wrong thing. In here." He beckoned with his large cougar paw, and the rest followed him into the Gatehouse. Tam shut the door and bolted it after them.

The Gatehouse was bigger than they had expected, and in surprise they looked around at the main room. It was clear that whatever strangeness was affecting the Abbey's inhabitants (and vermin arrows), it hadn't messed with any of Redwall's signature places or things. Everything in the main room seemed to be as it should from the books' descriptions. There was an empty fireplace, a table, a large, overstuffed chair, a tall bookshelf against one wall, and right next to that wall brackets for the Sword of Martin. Then Corny and Jukka ran to the next room, smiling uncontrollably. The others followed, full of the thrill of finally being in the world that they'd read so much about. That room was full of books - they were even piled on the huge bed! Jukka pulled a volume from a shelf and thumbed through the first few pages, and then the ferretmaid practically screamed in excitement.

"LOOK, IT'S A BOOK THAT MY RP CHARACTER ABBESS FERN MADE A COPY OF! YOU KNOW, FROM 'HIDDEN WITHIN THE WALLS'! AND KAYLAN IN 'WILDCAT ATTACK' READ IT!!!" She was going crazy and breathing hard.

"Wait, what?" Rain asked. "So your RP character copied this book in an RP, but now it ended up here?"

"Yeah!" Jukka said, flipping through the book, her blue eyes intense. "Yeah, it's definitely Fern. She signed it and everything! See?" She pointed to a page. "How on earth could this be here?!"?

Catching some of Jukka's excitement, Corny turned to the others. "You know, this might mean that there's an Abbey record here of all of our characters!"?

Instantly there was a general grab at the tomes on the shelves. Books were dropped, creatures were jostled, and a general hilarity prevailed. After a moment, more cries began ringing out.

"OH. MY. CRACKERS. LOOK!" Corny shrieked. "It's a book about A Winter to Freeze Your Heart! Our characters are all in here!"?

"WHERE?!" Rachel and Faiyloe yelled wildly together, crowding around the squirrelmaid. They examined the book for a moment, then Faiy said rather thoughtfully, "This isn't exactly the same as our RP posts."?

Rachel flipped to the title page. "This record was compiled from many accounts by Sister Briar, Recorder of Redwall Abbey in Mossflower country," the ottermaid read aloud. Del backed into her, yelling excitedly about how he'd just found an account of Wildcat Attack, and Rachel nearly dropped the book. "Hey, watch it!"?

"So... does that mean that all of our RP's - and maybe fanfics - affect this place or something?" Rain was looking over their shoulder, and her eyes were wide with the implications.

"I guess..." Faiy breathed.

Rachel suddenly looked terribly upset. "So when I killed off any of my characters, like my otter Zanga... it really happened in this world.... And I was rather upset about Zanga at the time, but now it's ten times worse."?

Tam suddenly broke in. "Wait, what about fanfics? We haven't actually found any proof of that." The hare rummaged around in different shelves until he came up suddenly with a book called 'The Origins of Simon'. "Hey, I found Captain Tammo's fanfic!"?

"Oh, man," Skarzs said.
---------------------------------
After another ten minutes of shrieking and general craziness, Skarzs suddenly yelled, "Alright, guys, we have a riddle to solve." He put a couple of books back.

Somewhat reluctantly, the younger forumers also put their books back and filed out into the main room, seating themselves on a large braided rug.

"So, how does the poem go again?" Rain asked, crouching on the floor in a catlike fashion. Her black tail swished back and forth as if it had a life of its own.

Skarzs pulled it out of his pocket once again.

'Through love of a series,
Here you have been transported.
Seek Redwall,
Before you are thwarted
By vermin.

From over the plains come the foe.
If you wish to return,
On a quest you must go.
Find the sword of matchless worth,
Then use it to find your destiny.
Follow where it may lead.
The greenstone is the key.'"

The others looked thoughtful, and then suggestions and questions filled the air.

"'Use it to find your destiny'," Del mused aloud, tossing his pear core in what looked to be the Gatehouse trash can.

"What destiny?" Russa asked. "Us getting out of here?"?

"You're forgetting the 'follow where it may lead' part," Rachel said. "How do you follow a sword?" Her brow wrinkled in confusion, and she leaned against the wall.

"And 'the greenstone is the key'..." Tam said, trailing off as he looked around.

Amber suddenly spoke up. "Didn't Redwallers often spin the sword when they weren't sure which way to go?"?

"Hmm, maybe you're right," Skarzs said. "Anyone else? No? Okay, we're trying Amber's idea."

Placing the sword on a bare patch of floor, he spun it. It whirled and then slowed, finally stopping with its blade pointing southeast.

"Maybe we should test it again, just to make sure it isn't a coincidence," Faiy said.

Skarzs obligingly spun it again, and for the second time it stopped, pointing southeast.

"Well, we know which way to go, but what about the greenstone thing?" Corny asked, hugging her knees to herself and resting her chin on them. "Songbreeze's stick-thing? It had a green stone in the end."?

"Maybe..." Rain said doubtfully, looking around her.

"I dunno," Del said. "Doesn't the riddle say to 'follow where it may lead' before mentioning the greenstone? I think that means we should follow where the sword may lead, and we'll find the greenstone there."?

There was a sudden tap on the window. The forumers looked up to see the eerily beautiful face of Lilianna Crystalline Nightflash staring down at them...

Chapter Eight

"Burn them in the fire they started!"

The words seemed to hover in the air. The three forumers froze in horror as the vermin grabbed them tightly by the arms and prepared to drag them away towards the flames.

"HEY!" someone shouted.

Ash whirled. "It's Soren!"

"Let them go or you're gonna regret it!" Soren yelled. He was standing between the tents, breathing heavily, a dangerous glint in his eyes.

Maska blinked, then elbowed Masko. "Hey," she whispered, "if Soren can distract them, maybe we can all make a break for it!"

"Got it," Masko hissed back, and relayed it to Ash.

The pine marten leader stared and then began to laugh mockingly. "And what could a young beast like you hope to do for your friends?"

Too late he realized that one should never enrage a badger, even one who has only been a badger for approximately an hour and a half. With a feral shriek, Soren charged, his eyes glazed with red.

"This is seriously not good!" Masko gritted out, before he yanked out of the shocked vermin's grip and ran for it, his internet twin and Ash close on his heels.

Behind them, Soren bashed two ferrets' heads together and flung them into a tent, before rushing blindly at the marten leader. Unfortunately, the pine marten actually had a good head on his shoulders (which was why he was the leader), and moving swiftly, he grabbed a heavy pole and slammed it down on Soren's head. The hapless teen crumpled to the ground, unconscious.

"Get the others, you imbeciles!" the pine marten (whose name was Randy) screamed at his minions.

Ash, Masko, and Maska suddenly found themselves cornered by a score of vermin as they ran down an avenue of tents. Kicking and muttering angrily, they were dragged back to Randy. He glared at them balefully.

"Don't think you're all so smart now, do ya?" Thoughtfully he stroked his chin, and then his green eyes lit up wickedly. "I know!" He gave a cackle. "I'm gonna send you to an old pal o' mine north o' here who runs the... games."

"G-games?" Ash asked, torn between amusement at the ridiculousness of his situation and horror at the danger it potentially held.

"Yeah, games. Gladiator fights." He leered wickedly. "I'll escort you there myself." He looked up. "Bodyguards, assemble!"

Masko felt his heart drop into his stomach. Fortunately, that was just a metaphor, otherwise he would be dead. "What now?" he asked Maska.

"I don't know. We'll just have to try to get away, but we can't leave Soren while he's knocked out and in danger, so..." She bit her lip.

And then, about ten minutes later, they were dragged away again. Well, technically they were walking, but about two vermin were on either side pulling them along if they stumbled even slightly. Maska would have rolled her eyes if she hadn't been concentrated on thinking hard. Her two friends were also thinking, and behind them, the limp body of Soren was being dragged by several vermin on a piece of tent canvas.

~oOo~

As soon as the forumers at the Abbey saw Lilianna through the window, Skarzs shoved the sword under the rug. But he knew it was too late. The creepy squirrelmaid had undoubtedly seen them, and that couldn't mean anything good.

A second later her face disappeared from the glass, and there was a knock on the door.

"Um, what should I do?" Russa asked, since she was nearest the door. "Should we let her in?"

"I don't know!" Rachel hissed helplessly.

Everyone whispered together for a moment, and then decided that there wasn't really a choice. Russa opened the door. "Um, hi!"

Lilianna walked in. "Hello, all." She looked around. Everyone was smiling stiffly and quietly preparing to run. "Did... I see the sword of Martin on the floor?"

"No," Skarzs said, grinning unnaturally with his sharp cougar teeth set together. Tam privately thought he looked like a very ticked-off shark.

Lilianna walked right over to Skarzs and stopped in front of him. "I know you have it. But why?" She stomped her footpaw down on a rather conspicuous lump under the braided rug.

Skarzs let out an exasperated sigh. "Fine. Yes, we do have it." He looked over her shoulder and met Corny's eyes, jerking from her to the Mary Sue and trying to indicate to his friend that she was supposed to tackle Lilianna before she could escape and tell the rest of the Redwallers. Corny looked a bit puzzled, but then elbowed Rachel and indicated what they had to do. Several others got the memo as well and subtly tightened the circle around the two in the gloom of the Gatehouse.

Lilianna seemed totally oblivious. "What are you doing with it?"

"Um... we have a quest," Skarzs explained. Come on, guys... Sudden inspiration hit him. Before Lilianna could respond, he added, "Oh, by the way, have you heard of anything around Mossflower called a greenstone or anything like that?"

The Mary Sue didn't bat an eye once she'd heard about their quest. "I'm coming with you. You need someone as powerful as I on this mission, whatever it may be. And yes, I have indeed heard of the greenstone. In fact, I've been to it myself. It is a large rock out in eastern Mossflower."

"Wait- you're coming with us?!" Del practically screeched, and then broke down laughing. And then that turned into a cough as dust from the multitudes of ancient books swirled into his lungs. Tam pounded him on the back. There was an awkward silence before Lilianna answered.

"Why, yes," she said smoothly.

Skarzs would have told her that no, she couldn't, but some weird force stopped him. Almost as if... there was a strange magic about this squirrel. "Alright," he said, and then wondered why he had. Everyone stared at him with their mouths open, and Faiy looked oddly disappointed or mad or jealous or something.

"Um, why are we taking her?" Jukka burst out.

"Yeah, she's with the Redwallers!" Amber exclaimed.

"We need her help," Skarzs said, which was true, because she apparently knew her way around Mossflower, but surely they could've accomplished this without the aid of a saccharine-sweet squirrelmaid. Why had he even said that? Oh well. What was said was said. He pulled the sword out from under the rug, stuck it in its sheath, and belted it around his waist. "So, are we leaving?"

Lilianna smiled. "Yes. Let's go. Come on, everyone."

"Who put her in charge all of a sudden?" Corny muttered under her breath, shooting glares in Skarzs's direction. Something was not right here, and she knew it.

So did everyone else. But they followed Skarzs and Lilianna out the Gatehouse door anyway. They crossed the sun-splashed lawns in the open since the skies were officially free of arrows, and Lilianna started singing merrily. She apparently thought it was really melodious, but in actuality her voice was so shrill it caused the forumers to wince and ruptured the innocent eardrums of a passing crow. The crow fluttered to earth and collapsed in pain, and that is the last we shall hear of it in this story.

As soon as they stepped outside of the Abbey walls, Lilianna looked around cautiously and then plunged into the woods, the forumers in tow.

[close]

[Cornflower MM]

YAAAAAAAAYYY!

[Jukka the Sling]

@Corny:

Chapter Nine

The forest was pretty. Really, really pretty. Jukka discovered this all over again, and, despite the slowly-increasing worry that she might never get home, she looked around at the verdant growth, soaking it all in. Strange but beautiful trees shot up into the air, and several varieties of berries grew here and there. Moss-covered stones surrounded a stream that bubbled and chuckled as it tumbled over a gradual staircase of rock. If only she had some Celtic music to listen to! The forest felt so right for it.

Lilianna led the gang confidently eastward, a little more north than true. Skarzs was pinching the bridge of his nose, feeling somewhat faint after the strange effect Lilianna had worked on him. Corny and Faiy were eyeing him dubiously.

"You okay, Torte?" Faiy asked, sidling over to him, their arms almost touching.

"Yeah? Maybe? I don't know." His gaze slid toward Lilianna.

Faiy caught the look and frowned disapprovingly. "There's something wrong with that squirrel girl."

"I know!" Skarzs whisper-yelled. "I didn't want her to come with us, but I think she has some sort of weird magic that made me say the opposite!"

"I kinda noticed you were acting weird," Corny put in. "Think we should take her out? That's what you were hinting we should do back at the Gatehouse, right?"

Skarzs let out a breath between his teeth. "She says she knows where the greenstone is. Without her, we're lost. And I'm actually serious about this one - she's not influencing me with her powers." (It was true.)

Faiy shrugged. "True. Alright." She made as if to walk over to Rachel, then turned. "And by the way, Skarzsles - you're my troll. Cougar, whatever. Don't forget it." She punched him on the arm, then walked away, snickering at his weird expression.

"How much farther to the greenstone thingy?" Tam called up to Lilianna. The hare looked winded from all the running and walking they'd been doing that day.

"Yeah, how much?" Russa echoed.

"A couple miles, give or take," Lilianna called back flatly.

A few people groaned. They weren't used to that much exercise at once.

"So, how do you guys actually think we got here?" Del inquired perkily, drastically changing the subject. He didn't much care if Lilianna was listening.

"Magic portal?" Corny suggested, rolling her eyes.

"Time travel?" Rain said.

"Forward or backward in time?" Jukka asked, arching her right eyebrow (which was the only one she could arch).

Rain shrugged. "Maybe in the future technology regresses and everyone turns into animals," she deadpanned.

"Or maybe we're in a parallel dimension!" Amber said half-jokingly, holding up a finger like she had made a great discovery.

Del looked from one forumite to the other, walking backwards to face them all. "What were you guys all doing before you appeared here? I was on the forum, starting a wedding topic."

Jukka raised her eyebrow at those words. "Uh, I was finishing up a bit of schoolwork."

"I had just gotten home from ballet," Corny said.

Tam looked anxious. "I was in the middle of a job. Hope I don't lose it."

"I was reading this really good book," Rachel put in. "Then... the room and my book just vanished."

Amber looked at the others. "How bad did you guys freak out? It was pretty scary for me at first."

"It was traumatizing," Rachel admitted. "I was at a cliffhanger. I think I screamed."

Several other answers poured in, all of them perplexing. The forumites had been doing just normal, everyday things, when suddenly they vanished.

"This place is so weird," Rain commented, leaping gracefully over a log. "The arrows and everything... it's like a really bad fanfic or something."

"What if we never get home?" Amber asked, voicing everyone's concerns. "Our families must be panicking!"

"We'll find a way," Skarzs said sappily.

Lilianna suddenly stopped, holding up a paw and staring intently as her ears flicked back and forth.

"What?" the clueless Russa asked.

"Hush. There's a trail up ahead, see? There are beasts moving along it."

"Vermin?" Skarzs asked, suddenly alert. He reached for the sword around his waist.

Lilianna nodded. "Yes, but they aren't from the horde outside Redwall. I think they're some local tribe of ferrets. Quietly, now. After me. We're going to attack before they expect us."

"But we don't have any weapons!" Jukka wailed. "Well, except for Skarzs."

"You have your claws and teeth, don't you?" Lilianna said somewhat disdainfully. "There's enough for each of us. I'll take the ten on the right, you guys take the one on the left. Go!" She sprang into a tree and leaped from branch to branch; they saw the foliage of further trees shake around as she zipped toward the path.

"Oh, wow. I do have claws, don't I?" Rain said, a disturbed expression on her face as she stared at them. "This is so freaky."

Skarzs extended his claws with a metallic ching! worthy of Wolverine, studying their wicked tips. "Awesome, you mean."

They ran after Lilianna, tripping through thick undergrowth.

"Are we actually supposed to kill anyone?" Amber yelled to the others. "Because... I'd rather not."

"Maybe?" Skarzs said, far too cheerfully. "Oh, by the way, who wants my sword? I'm a cougar, so maybe one of you needs it more."

"I'll take it!" Del volunteered. Skarzs unbelted the whole thing and threw the sheathed sword and belt at the squirrel. Del reached out as if to catch it, but missed and tripped over the cumbersome object, somersaulting twice with his momentum before faceplanting in an inconvenient mud patch.

"Are you okay?" Jukka called, skidding to a stop and running over to the squirrel. Truth be told, she was rather glad of the excuse to fall back from the potential battle.

Del's head popped up, smeared with tarry mud. Jukka couldn't help laughing.

"Aww, look at them!" Russa called as she passed by towards the back of the pack.

"Shut it," Jukka said, rolling her eyes. She turned back to Del. "C'mon, let's go." She jogged away from him before anyone else could say anything stupid.

Skarzs, Rachel, and Faiy were the first to make it to the trail, which was reasonably wide and open to the sky. Lilianna was in her element, leaping and kicking with wild abandon, often stabbing as well. True to her word, she had left the ferret on the left for the ten of them. The poor creature was standing terrified, his knees knocking together as he gazed in horror at the vengeful squirrel slaying so ruthlessly.

The three forumites just stood for a moment, rather surprised and disgusted. Any excitement they might have been feeling vanished.

"Um, okay. What now?" Rachel asked, gesturing towards the hapless ferret.

Lilianna dropped a ferret and bounded over as the other forumites straggled into the cleared area. "They're all incapacitated," she announced.

"Are they... dead?" Faiy asked, not particularly wanting to hear the answer.

Lilianna shrugged. "Yes." She squinted at the forumers. "They are vermin, you know."

"Well, technically, some of us are vermin too! Or didn't you notice?" Rain yelled. Being an animal had influenced her perceptions to the point where it might as well have been humans lying there.

"You're a rare exception," Lilianna said, which didn't clear up matters much. "Anyway, are you going to take that one out or should I?"

"Don't do anything yet," Skarzs said, glancing at the ferret.

Meanwhile, the lone ferret, whose name was Ethelred, took one look at the huge cougar and black wildcat standing nearby and fainted dead away.

The forumites carefully picked their way over to the syncopatic ferret. Del thoughtfully kicked him in the ribs to ensure he was still alive. "He's out cold."

Tam bit his lip anxiously, which looked kind of disturbing with his bucked hare teeth. "What do we do now?"

Lilianna looked at the sun's position. "If we hurry, we can make it to the greenstone before nightfall."

"Should we just leave the dude like this?" Russa wondered.

-----

Twenty minutes later, Ethelred awoke, seeing the still forms of his ferret captors lying all around. He grinned. He was finally free of his tormentors! And the mad squirrel and her companions were gone!

A piece of paper rustled next to him as he sat up. Being an academically-minded ferret, he produced his glasses from a hidden pocket, picked up the paper, and read the following:

"Sorry for killing your friends. We didn't really mean it. Sincerely, the Forumers."

~oOo~

Soren awoke.

He was lying on a length of canvas, trussed up with all manner of ropes. Weights dangled from some of them, limiting his movement. His head throbbed unmercifully, pounding with every jolt in the trail.

Where was he? He craned his head, his eyes cracked half open, and found himself staring straight up the ugly nose of a random henchweasel. It all came back in a rush. He was in Mossflower, at the mercy of a generic pine marten warlord, being dragged along on a piece of canvas to a gladiator fight with three forum friends. Oh, and he was a badger to boot.

A badger with bloodwrath. Which, to tell the truth, was actually kind of cool. Sort of. Not really. It had been kinda scary, feeling so out of control. He was glad it was over.

Trying not to call attention to himself, Soren looked around, moving just his eyes. Vermin surrounded him. Just behind him plodded Ash, Masko, and Maska, their eyes downcast.

"Psst," he hissed. Luckily, the vermin weren't very skilled at the art of hearing, so they didn't notice him. "Hey. Guys."

Ash looked up, then nudged his friends. They looked at Soren, who tried desperately to communicate with a series of rapid blinks that they should be quiet and not give away the fact that he was awake. Whatever he was doing apparently worked, because they all gave him a nod.

Maska looked around, smiling fakely and plotting revenge. Maybe they'd be able to distract the foolish vermin again and escape. But no - there were so many, and they were all hulking types, the pine marten's elite bodyguards. She sighed.

Up ahead, a flat expanse of land came into view. Masko (the boy) stared. Beyond the initial flat area, the land seemed scooped out in several places. Wait... could it be the old sandstone quarry, the former lair of Asmodeus?

At this moment, a shadow passed over the group, and as one their heads snapped up to see an eagle far above, flying off into the wild blue yonder.  They didn't know it, but it was their fearless forum leader, James Gryphon.  Unfortunately, James was preoccupied with escaping Mossflower and didn't notice his hapless subjects, so they naturally weren't rescued.

Randy, at the head of the group, turned around as they drew closer to the mines. "Soon you will prove your bravery in the gladiator pits!"

The four of them gulped. Soren gave up on faking unconsciousness and leaped to his feet, nearly tripping over the hobbles that bound him. The startled vermin took an initial step back.

Soren tried to give a grin, but it came out looking tired and feeble. "'Sup?"

The vermin lunged at him, and he took a step back. "Whoa, stop right there. I'm not gonna try anything, okay? How can I, tied up like this? Let me just walk a bit."

"Lord Randy?" a henchweasel asked uncertainly.

Randy gave a casual flip of his paw. "Eh, let him."

Eyeing the henchweasels, Soren fell in step with the other three forumites. "Anything happen while I was out?"

"Nothing," Maska said, her face not betraying the sick worry she felt in the pit of her stomach. It had sort of been her idea to attack the vermin in the first place, and look where that had gotten them.

Masko glanced at her and seemed to understand.  "Hey, don't worry.  We'll get out of this.  And besides, it was fun setting their camp on fire."  He grinned.

They had basically reached the edge of the quarry.  A good portion of it was screened by scruffy bushes, rendering it hidden on all but the side from which they were approaching.  Ash gasped as he took in the vast area.

A figure suddenly materialized, standing on the edge of the cliff.  All but his eyes were swathed in a multi-hued cloak of eye-burning colors.  It instantly reminded Ash of an especially horrible 70's Halloween costume he'd once seen and had tried in vain to forget.

"Hi, Joe!" Randy called cheerily to the weird figure.  "Are we in time for tonight's round?"

Joe gave a sharp nod.

"Well, then!" Randy cried.  "Let's get this party started!"

Maska winced at how cheesy that sounded.  If Randy kept it up, it probably wouldn't be gladiator fighting that killed her in the end.

Joe led them toward a winding trail cut into the side of the cliff.  Just before they descended down it, Maska saw sudden movement where the forest crept up near the quarry.  Squinting, she made out a group of several creatures making their way through the trees.  Was that an otter or two among them?

Any hope was better than none.  "Hey!  Over here!" she yelled defiantly.  "Help!"

"Shaddup!" Randy screeched.  The weasel guards menaced her with their spears, and her forum friends looked confused.

Maybe the woodlanders had heard her, maybe not.  There was nothing left for her to do but play along with Randy for now.  Maska made eye contact with the marten, held her head high, and marched down the cliff trail.

[Lady Amber]

Awesome!

[Rosie Willowwater]

he looked like a homeschooler fencing for the first time.

*friendlyly (I'm going to pretend that's a word) glares at Jukka*

[Gonff the Mousethief]

Jukka this is great! Especially the part about James 

[Delthion]

Drastically changing the subject...exactly what I would do. Also, don't forget that Masthion is my new ship.

[Lady Ashenwyte]

DELKA IS THE ONE TRUE SHIP SOJVChn gvb hcg biujhb yqMDH kbjg qruyjck

*Clears throat*

It was great. The part about James made me crack up.