Strangers at Redwall (crackfic) - Winner of the RAFF Atypical Award!

[Delthion]

MUST READ MORE OF THIS HILARITY!!!!!

[Russa Nodrey]

TAMBER!!!!!!!

[Lady Amber]

TAMBER!!!!!!!

Why?

[Jukka the Sling]

Here's the new chapter! It's entirely from Ash, Soren, Masko, and Maska's POV. If anything's unclear, just ask and I'll clarify.

Also, special thanks to Faiy for her pic of Lilianna!

Lilianna

[close]

Chapter Six

Warm sunshine caused the four creatures to squint and shade their eyes as they emerged from the forest south of the Abbey. Upon seeing the redstone building in the distance, they stared in delight.

"Redwall!" Soren exclaimed, excitement evident in his tone. He turned and faced slightly northwest. "And, there's a bunch of vermin... shooting arrows at it," he added, hastily stepping back into the shelter of the trees.

The others stared. Then: "Guess we'll have to backtrack through the woods and come around from the east," Masko said resignedly, turning around.

"Wait," Maska said, peering out from the trees. She looked slightly mischievous. "Why don't we go and spy out the enemy?" Inspiration struck. "And set fire to their camp."

Her three companions gave her a look that plainly said, Wut?

"No, really," Maska said, grinning. "You're a fox" - indicating Masko - "so we'll have a better chance of, well, not being killed." She paused. "Wonder if we can even be killed here," she mused, half to herself.

"But why?" Ash demanded. "The Abbey's right over there!"

"But don't you think this'd be fun?" Maska inquired, shrugging slightly.

"Well, maybe," Soren said slowly, "but Ash and I are badgers... although small for our 'species'," - he made air quotes - "and we couldn't exactly blend in very well, if that's what you're thinking of doing."

Masko (yes, the guy), suddenly grinned wildly. "Actually, this could be fun."

"It's crazy!" Ash said.

Maska (the girl) turned to the badger. "Why? Y'know, this plan is practically foolproof. Since Masko's a fox, he can pretend he captured us or something, we'll get into the camp, and then one or all of us can slip away and set fire to a tent or whatever's handy." Seeing Ash's skeptical look, she added, "Come on. What's the worst that could possibly happen?"

"I can think of a lot of things," Ash said, rolling his eyes, "but yeah, that does sound fun." He thrust his paws into the pockets of his simple tan tunic.

"Yeah, I think so too," Soren said, grinning in a slightly maniacal way. "Vermin are really clueless, so it just might work. Plus, it'll help the Redwallers, 'cause the archers over by the Abbey will probably stop shooting and run back to save their stuff."

Maska smiled cheerily. "Okay, then! Let's go!"

And they bravely set off across the open ground towards the vermin camp, which was set back quite a ways from the Abbey.

* * *

"Take me to your leader," Masko (the boy) said commandingly to the three weasels who confronted them as soon as they drew within five meters of the camp.

The main weasel, a skinny, timid creature called Dumbluck, pointed his spear at the foursome in what he fondly imagined was a threatening manner. In actuality, he looked like a homeschooler fencing for the first time.

"'Oo are yer?" he asked.

"I am the Mask, and I have captured these insolent woodlanders you see behind me." (Here Soren, Ash, and Maska did their best to look insolent, yet downtrodden.) "I wish to speak to your leader, 'cause I have a proposition for him."

Dumbluck was not very bright, even for a vermin. (It was a wonder to his family how he had survived to adulthood. He had earned his name at the age of six after surviving walking into pike-infested waters, falling off a small cliff, and taking a bath.) And thus it was that the weasel didn't even question how a young fox could have single-pawedly captured two badgers and an ottermaid and led them there unchained.

"Er... um, follow me, Yer Lordship," he said, lowering his spear and turning around. His buddies did the same.

Masko turned and mouthed, "That was so easy!" to his companions, then followed, head and brush held high. The ottermaid and two badgers followed, biting back laughter at the humor of the whole situation.

They walked past ragged tents crowded close together and occupied by smelly vermin, some of whom looked at them curiously as they passed. Ash was tempted to hold his nose, but thought that might not go over well.

Suddenly, Maska (the girl) elbowed Soren in the ribs from her place behind him. "Okay, Soren, go set fire to something!"

"Me?" he asked. She hadn't told them who would go first.

"Yeah, you! Oh, and once you've done that, hurry back here!"

Soren shrugged. "Okay then." As they passed a tent that was particularly close, he quickly slipped behind it. The nearby vermin were so clueless they failed to notice the badger's disappearance.

Heart pounding with excitement, Soren looked around for the nearest source of fire. He found it almost immediately. Behind him was a group of three rats gathered around a small blaze, cooking some unidentified frying object. The badger thought for a second, then picked up a rock and threw it hard at the nearest rat, ducking quickly behind the nearest tent as soon as the missile left his paw. The beast dropped instantly. However, he fell into the fire, which was something Soren hadn't anticipated. He covered his mouth in shock. Fortunately for the rat, however, his buddies yanked him out and then ran for help.

Soren approached the fire, feeling awesome. He cast about for a long stick and soon found one. It caught instantly, and he grinned and turned to the tents round about him. Setting them ablaze was easy... and fun. After the third tent was torched, Soren realized he was always meant to be a pyromaniac.

* * *

While Soren was enjoying himself, Masko, Maska, and Ash were outside the leader's tent (which was set a little apart from the others), waiting for Dumbluck to finish informing the warlord about them. Maska figured they had a moment to slip away and wreak some havoc.

"Okay, let's go!" she hissed.

"But what if they come back while we're gone?" Ash pointed out.

"They won't," Masko (the guy) said.

"Yeah, we'll hurry," Maska said gleefully.

Ash acquiesced and they hurried away, slipping between the closely-packed tents.

They spotted a couple of weasels sitting by a campfire with their backs to them and tippawed closer. Masko held up a paw, signalling that he'd take care of it. He grabbed a heavy pole that happened to be handy and said loudly, "Hey, you!"

Both vermin turned. Masko dealt them both a heavy blow between the eyes and they went as limp as boned fish. No, a more accurate description would be that they were boned fish. As the vermin hit the ground, the forum members suddenly found themselves staring at a pair of filleted fish.

They were too stunned to say anything for a moment. Then:

"Well," Ash said, eyes bulging, "that... was weird."

Maska (yeah, the girl) edged away from the gruesome scene. "Er... yeah."

"Well," Ash said again, "I... what? Just, what was that?"

"I have no idea," said Masko, inspecting his pole as though he expected it to be the cause.

"Um, let's, uh, get to that fire now," Maska said, grabbing her internet twin's pole and sticking it in the flames. Ash and Masko quickly found sticks and lit them, and then they all set fire to the surrounding tents.

From the other side of the camp, thick smoke spiraled into the afternoon sky. Shouts could be heard from that direction.

"Soren must have gotten started," Ash commented, then started coughing as smoke from the tents near them entered his lungs and stung his eyes.

"Well, I think we're done here," Maska said, coughing. "We'd better get back to the leader's tent before they realize we started this."

They turned and took a different route to the leader's tent. It had only been about five minutes, but when they got there they knew they were in trouble - the evil warlord himself was standing there. He was a large pine marten, with sable fur, green eyes, and a lightning-shaped scar on his cheek. As soon as he saw them, he signalled for four burly weasels who had lain in wait to seize them. Soren was nowhere to be seen.

The fox, badger, and ottermaid resisted bravely, but to no avail. The weasels dragged them before the evil warlord and he glanced at them evilly.

"Burn them in the fire they started!"

[The Skarzs]

Oh noes! Another great chapter; write more!

[Søren]

I was always ment to be a pyromaniac.
Good job Jukka!!!!
@Liliana pic
That's Skarzs possible girlfriend?
OHe could do a lot worse...o

[The Mask]

HAHAHAH! That's amazing! I liked Dumbluck.I think he survived through DUMB LUCK!
Okay, I'm going to go draw myself now.

[Jukka the Sling]

Thank you so much, guys!!!

[Lady Ashenwyte]

OH NOES I'M GOING TO DIE!!!

[Maudie]

I so funny!
Correction: Jukka so funny!

Aaaaand I'm gonna die. Oh well.

[Lady Amber]

This is hilarious and awesome!

[Delthion]

THIS IS THE EMBODIMENT OF COMEDIC BRILLIANCE!!!!

Soren approached the fire, feeling awesome.

This was hilarious!

[Jukka the Sling]

Thanks, guys! (I'll take the "oh noes I'm going to die!!!" as a compliment. )

[Delthion]

It was especially funny how you made it sound like taking a bath was the most arduous thing to survive as a vermin.

[Mhera]

For some reason a pyromaniacal Soren is extremely funny. Another great chapter!