Strangers at Redwall (crackfic) - Winner of the RAFF Atypical Award!

[Jukka the Sling]

So, here's the crackfic that some of you already know about. It's not my best writing, but I hope you find it funny.

The plot revolves around ten of us forum members (Rach, Rain, Oracle, Amber, Russa, Faiy, Corny, Tam, Skarzs, and myself) who suddenly find themselves teleported into a Redwall universe where not everything's as it seems. I'm sorry if you weren't included - it wasn't anything personal. I just wanted to keep the number of forum members to a manageable level.

I've started the fourth chapter, but I won't post it until it's finished.

Constructive criticism is appreciated. Also, if you have a better idea for the title, please say so.

Anyway, here goes.

Chapter One

Somewhere in Mossflower...

Faiy came to with a jerk, staring up at the trees around her. Where am I? I was just sitting at the computer posting in an RP...

She sat up, taking in her surroundings... and immediately realized something shocking. She covered her mouth and screamed, "I'M A SQUIRREL!!!"

* * *

A short distance away, a cougar, two squirrels, a wildcat, a hare, a mouse, and two otters were sitting around discussing what had just happened to them. (They'd all woken up in the forest as animals with a single piece of paper in each of their pockets that read simply: Rach, Rain, Oracle, Jukka, Amber, Russa, Faiy, Corny, Tam, and Skarzs.)

As they were talking, the oldest of the group, Skarzs the cougar, suddenly felt in his other tunic pocket and pulled out a small piece of paper. While the others talked, he skimmed it and then said:

"Hey, I just found this in my pocket. And guys... I'm pretty sure we're in Mossflower!"

"Well, it makes sense," the hare Tam said. "After all, we're animals..."

"But how'd we get here?" the wildcat Rain broke in.

Skarzs sighed. "Give me a chance to read it to you guys.

'Through love of a series,
Here you have been transported.
Seek Redwall,
Before you are thwarted
By vermin.

From over the plains come the foe.
If you wish to return,
On a quest you must go.
Find the sword of matchless worth,
Then use it to find your destiny.
Follow where it may lead.
The greenstone is the key.'"

"That didn't explain how we got here," the mouse Amber pointed out.

"And it barely rhymed," her sister Russa (who happened to be an otter) chimed in.

At that moment they heard someone crashing around a distance away calling out, "Hello? Anyone there?"

The squirrel Oracle stood up and walked over to the source of the noise, peering into the translucent green depths of the woods. "It's a squirrelmaid... maybe it's... Faiyloe?"

"That's my username on a forum..." said the squirrelmaid as she walked into the little clearing where the group was gathered.

Rachel, an otter, suddenly yelled out, "Faiy! It's me, Rach, from the forum!"

"Really?" Faiy asked, a weird look on her face. "How...?"

Corny, a squirrelmaid, grabbed the paper off of Skarzs and ran over. "Read this!"

Rach attempted to explain, but then gave up since Faiy was already reading the paper.

Just then they heard someone else calling out, "Hey! Is anyone there?"

"Look!" Tam shouted. "A ferret!"

Everyone looked alarmed.

"I'm not evil!" the ferretmaid shouted back. "Um... this is a weird question, but are you guys members on a Redwall forum? 'Cause I'm Jukka."

Skarzs glanced at the list of names. "Alright, that's all of us. I suggest we get going now."

"Where?" Jukka asked.

"Redwall, of course!" Corny put in.

Jukka suddenly grinned. "Awesome! Let's go!"

* * *

After some calculations of which direction they should head, the group set off, making good time.

Chapter Two

Earlier that morning...

"Wow. Just wow," said Abbot Riphley, gazing out at the western flatlands. He had come up on the wall to enjoy the beautiful morning along with his cup of hot mint-and-comfrey tea, when, to the mouse's utter surprise, he saw a horde of weasels and rats amassed on the plain. Reflecting on the fact that that was a run-on sentence, the mouse ducked below the battlements and continued sipping his tea. Redwall had been attacked so many times, and they always won. There was plenty of time to warn everybeast else.

Just then, Skipper Keena came up on the wall. Keena was the first-ever female river otter Skipper, and was also an adamant feminist. Abbot Riphley was about the only male she respected.

"Mornin', Riphley."

The Abbot put down his now-empty cup. "Keena, you always call me by my first name. Can't you call me 'Abbot'? It makes me feel awesome."

The Skipper rolled her eyes and shoved the Abbot good-naturedly in the shoulder. "You're -" She broke off, her gray-green eyes fixed on the horde assembled on the plain. "Um, Riphley?"

Riphley stood up. "Yeah, I know. Vermin. Let's go tell the others."

* * *

Within just ten seconds, the entire Abbey was roused from their slumbers and gathered in Great Hall. They'd always been exceptionally exceptional at everything they did. Riphley simply called out, "Vermin are outside!" and the crowd began to disperse, heading out to the walltops. "What else is new?" some random dormouse yelled above the general hubbub. "We'll soon sort 'em out!"

Riphley and Keena walked outside again, when they were approached by the Abbey Warrior. Lilianna Crystalline Nightflash was her name, and she was an impossibly beautiful squirrelmaid of seventeen, with a backstory filled with such woe it would make you weep to hear it. She had dark brown, almost black fur, with a lovely sheen to it, and her headfur was a delicious honey-gold, braided in a long rope that nearly reached her footpaws. She wore a turquoise tunic which complemented her ocean-blue eyes, and her sandals were of the type worn by Redwallers, albeit with golden thread woven into the straps.

Lilianna, despite her previously-referred-to backstory, had perfect manners and loved helping with the Dibbuns. She frequently had spasms of melancholy, but since everybeast simply adored her, someone always cheered her up.

The squirrelmaid had shown up outside Redwall's gates one fateful morning, bloody and half dead. Once she was safely inside the Abbey, she told Abbot Riphley that she'd just slain her family's killer in the woods nearby, and as proof showed the astonished mouse her silver dagger, literally dripping with blood. Then she passed out. Skipper Keena said something about how females always handled quests for revenge far more efficiently than did males, and she whisked the squirrelmaid away. With some mystical healing skills the otter had acquired goodness knows where, Lilianna recovered the next day, and was instantly made Abbey Warrior. She was just fourteen.

Now, as Riphley and Keena walked outside, Lilianna approached them, looking mournful. "Father Abbot, Skipper, I'm worried by these vermin."

"Why?" Keena inquired, looking at the squirrelmaid fondly. Ever since the otter leader had mystically healed Lilianna, she'd loved her as a daughter.

"I just have a feeling," Lilianna replied, her hair glinting beautifully in the morning sun.

Riphley looked frightened. Lilianna had had feelings twice before, and both times something dreadful had happened. "Ohmygoodnesseverybeastweneedtoworry'causeLilianna'sgotafeeling!" he screamed.

Every Redwaller shrieked and ran back inside the Abbey building. "We'll all be slain in our beds!" yelled some random dormouse.

Chapter Three

Unbeknownst to the Redwallers, the group of forum members had reached the Abbey a short time before. After about ten minutes of shouting for somebeast to let them in, Oracle had the brilliant idea of picking the lock. It took a while, but eventually they made it in, just in time to see the episode with the Abbot, Skipper, and Lilianna.

* * *

"Murder! Mayhem! Help!!!" the random dormouse screamed, dashing around the corner of the Abbey building. He collided with Rach, who happened to be in the front of the group, and stumbled back in shock at the sight of a cougar, wildcat, and ferret with a bunch of woodlanders. The shock was too great, and he passed out.

"Well, that was interesting," Rach said, stooping over the random dormouse and slapping his cheeks. After a second, she straightened up. "He's definitely out, anyway."

"What now?" Corny asked, gazing around at the Abbey (which she was thrilled to finally be visiting). "Should we go talk to that screaming Abbot and that otter and squirrel?"

Rach suddenly grinned. "Sounds like a good idea."

* * *

Abbot Riphley was still screaming about how they were all going to die, when without warning he heard a voice behind him.

"We are not going to die," declared a figure that suddenly stepped out of the shadows near the stupefied Abbot, Skipper, and Abbey Warrior. Lilianna was startled, but still managed to look epic despite her own surprise at the figure's sudden appearance.

"Who are you?" the squirrelmaid inquired, drawing her silver dagger (which happened to have a pearl-studded hilt).

The figure threw back its hood, revealing a teenage ottermaid with dark brown fur and sky-blue eyes. Lilianna eyed her with a somewhat superior air, unusual for her. Though she and the unknown otter shared the same basic fur and eye colors, she saw at once that the younger girl only had sky-blue eyes. Not many could boast ocean-blue eyes.

"I'm Rachel of - of Gadna," replied the ottermaid. "Seems you need a bit of assistance with those vermin."

Abbot Riphley finally found his voice. "And what gave you that idea?"

At that moment, a random squirrel ran by screaming his head off. "We're doomed! Doomed, I tell you!"

"That answer your question?"

Keena spoke up. "How'd you get in?!"

"That's for me to know and you to find out," Rachel answered mysteriously. "Now, enough of this. Guy-ys!" she sang out, smiling for some strange reason.

Out of the shadows appeared the other teenage creatures. Lilianna sighed dramatically. "If you're thinking all of you are going to help us defeat the vermin or something, I'm sorry, dear, but it won't work." She sighed again and turned away, shaking her head.

Keena and Riphley looked at each other and said together, "Agreed."

The Abbot added, "If you young'uns will excuse us, we're going to go and hide in Cavern Hole." They sped off, Lilianna following.

"Wait!" one of the teenagers yelled. "Lilianna, you do know you're a Mary Sue, right?"

Lilianna spun around. "What was that?"

The speaker, who happened to be Jukka, grinned at her. "Yeah, a Mary Sue. Someone who's impossibly beautiful, perfect, epic, good at everything. Fanfiction authors hate them."

Lilianna had no idea what a fanfiction author was, but she burst into tears and ran off, sobbing.

The ferretmaid's companions glared at her. "Um, Jukka? That was unnecessary," Corny said.

Jukka laughed. "You've got to admit she was asking for it. She's SO Mary-Sueish."

Skarzs pulled the piece of paper out of his tunic pocket. "Yeah, but we need the Redwallers on our side if we're ever going to get out of this." He examined the paper for the millionth time, and everyone looked over his shoulder at the weird message written on it.

After a minute, several wandered away from the group and gazed around, enraptured with the whole idea of being in Redwall Abbey.

Rain turned towards them. "Guys, get back here! I know it's awesome being in Redwall and all, but we have to plan our next move!"

"Our next move should probably be finding Martin's sword," the squirrel Oracle put in, twirling his bushy tail (which he was still getting used to). "But is it in Great Hall, or..?"

Skarzs turned and set off for the Abbey. "Let's ask the Redwallers."

Tam sprinted ahead just for fun. "I can't believe I'm actually in Redwall! And I always thought I'd probably be a hare, and I am!"

Thunk!

An arrow buried itself in the ground two inches from Tam's footpaw.

[Rainshadow]

  Oh.  My.  GOODNESS!  This is quite possibly the most awesome Redwall fic I've ever read, simply because it's so hilarious.  I mean, the abbot saying that it sounded awesome being called abbot, Lilianna being pointed out as a Mary Sue (and pretty much just Lilianna in general), and just all of this fic is awesome! 

[Jukka the Sling]

I'm so glad you like it!

[Faiyloe]

Oh I love it, I fell so flattered at getting to open the story and when you made Rach say "Rachel of- of Gadna" I Loved that bit. I also like How you pointed out that Lilianna was a Marry Sue. 
There was just one little teeny bitty thing wrong, I do not crash . I really love it thought keep it up.   

[Jukka the Sling]

Thank you so much!

[The Skarzs]

This is epic!!! Oh my gosh, keep going, PLEASE! (Is it weird to see me this happy? Because it's weird for me. ((AKA, Ungatt has returned, I'm back from working my butt off at dad's work, and this is the best thing I have seen for a long time.)))

[Delthion]

THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!! I like that mine and The Skarzs characters seem to be the wisest!

[Søren]

I'm afraid I must admit: I popped into this topic to see if I was one of the charicters, and then promptly left. However, I did come back to read it anyway and it's very good! The Lillianna thing was funny (also "delicious honey-gold"? Interesting choice of words.)
I liked it a lot!

[Maudie]

Bahahahaha! This is great! I love the whole Mary Sue thing! Genius!
(It appears your little brother's talent runs in the family.)

[Jukka the Sling]

Thanks, guys! Thought I should mention, though, that Lilianna was heavily inspired by some parodies by Kelaiah on ff.net. XD

@Skarzs: Um, yeah, I don't think I've ever seen you like that. Thanks!

@Oracle: Thank you!

@Soren: I'm sorry you aren't in it, Soren. (Although, I now have an idea!) Thank you for the comment!

@Mask: Thanks!

[Lady Amber]

Awesome story, Jukka! I really like it!

[SilentSam]

Well, I'm not in it. So... I'll just watch the movie. *eats popcorn* Want some Soren?

[The Skarzs]

@Skarzs: Um, yeah, I don't think I've ever seen you like that. Thanks!

Nope. And probably never again.

[Cornflower MM]

HAHAHAHAHAHA! It's perfect! I love it!

Am I really that optimistic and cheery?

[Jukka the Sling]

I dunno. XD You just seem like a rather exuberant, excitable, maybe slightly bossy at times (like when I made you grab the paper off of Skarzs) sort of person.