The Vermin Warrior

[Skyblade]

This is great I like it and your style is very good!

[Eulaliaaa!]

  ;DThank you very much! I try my best to write like Brian Jacques...

[Eulaliaaa!]

Well, here's chapter 3...

The Vermin Warrior Ch. 3

   Stashi woke sometime during late morning. What had happened the night before was all a blur. She had stumbled into a camp right along side Log-a-log, there were fires. Faces surrounded her, some were mad, some scared, some confused. One face stood out, twisted with anger. Stashi remembered there being a sword, flashing through the air. Then the back of Log-a-log's head. She had heard him yelling something, then everything went black.

   Stashi yawned and stretched, not bothering to open her eyes. There was a creaking noise, and she could feel herself rocking back and forth gently. Every now  then there was a splash, or a gruff voice muttering something she could not hear. Her eyes opened and she tried standing up only to be pushed back down again by Log-a-log, who was sitting next to her

"Stay where you are, Stashi." He said, then grabbed an oar and began to row again. She looked around her, sitting up slightly. She was on a logboat, many shrews sat on benches and rowed. Two logboats were behind the one she was in, all three of them containing shrews who argued non-stop.

"Where am I?" Stashi asked.

"On a logboat, you're with the Guosim now. But don't try anything funny, vixen, or you'll be sorry. We don't like vermin, they're murderers and thieves. Why
I'm helping you, I don't know. You may have saved my sons, but that doesn't mean we trust you." He said, staring straight ahead of him. Stashi peered over the side of the boat, watching as a fish swam by.

"What's the Guosim? And why are you helping me if you don't trust me?" She asked. The shrew sighed.

"Guosim? That's the Guerrilla Union Of Shrews In Mossflower. Where are you from?" He questioned. Stashi let her paw hang over the side of the boat, letting the cold, clear water run over it.

"Where I'm from is none of your concern, that's my business not yours. Where are we going?" She asked. The shrew shrugged.

"We're on our way to Redwall Abbey, we heard-" he was cut short by Stashi gasping.

"Redwall Abbey? It's real, it really exists?" She said, trying hard to conceal the excitement in her voice. Among the Foeslayers, excitement or joy was considered a sign of weakness. The shrew nodded.

"Aye, it's real. But we heard word of a vermin camp nearby so we went to see for ourselves. That's when my sons went missing. You saved them from that very vermin camp, so I thought I would repay you. I also wanted more information on the vermin, it looked like a mighty horde. We're on our way to Redwall to warn them of a vermin horde not far off. What do you know of these vermin?" He said.

"Ah, they would be the Foeslayers. They are a growing horde, led by Scar Deathtrident. He and His son, Bragg, are both former searats with no mercy. I couldn't let them hurt the babes to get information." Stashi said, absent mindedly tracing the scar on her cheek. The shrew nodded.

"And where are they going?" He asked. Stashi shrugged.

"I could only guess, Scar and Bragg don't tell ordinary horde members information like that. If Redwall is close, then I'm thinking they're heading for the abbey." She said. Log-a-log nodded.

"That's what I was thinking... and how did you become a Foeslayer? You don't seem like a normal vermin." He asked. Stashi sighed, shaking her head.

"I was born into the Foeslayers, I had no choice. Once a vermin becomes one of them, They're a Foeslayer for life, there's no way out. When a vermin joins, they're given a scar so they can always tell each other apart from other vermin who haven't joined the horde. The scar looks like this." She said, turning her face so Log-a-log could see the scar clearly. The shrew chieftain shook his head, a look of disgust on his face.

"They do that to babes? If I ever meet the coward who would do that, I'll make him pay." He said. Stashi shrugged.

"That's a vermin for you, pure evil." She said. The rest of the morning was spent in silence as the river gently swept the logboats away.

                                             **********

    Old Abbot Thibb looked around Redwall Abbey one last time, where had those naughty babes gone off to? He had checked everywhere he could think of, and worry was beginning to gnaw at the old abbot. As Sister Fisk passed him, he stopped her.

"Fisk, my friend, any luck with finding those dibbuns?" He asked, looking rather frightened. The poor sister shook her head.

"No such luck, Thibb. Deary me, where could they have gone? I sure hope they've not gotten out into the woodlands, poor things. It makes me sick, the things they do! It's not age greying my whiskers, it's those two dibbuns who always seem to get in trouble!" She said, stomping her paw. The good abbot put a comforting paw around the worried mouse.

"There, there, no need to upset yourself, Fisk. If they don't turn up by tomorrow, I'll send Skipper and his crew to go look for them. It'll be alright, my friend. How about we have some tea up on the walls, it's a lovely view." He smiled at her.

   Fisk smiled back, then scurried off to prepare tea. The abbot slowly walked along the abbey grounds taking in the beauty of the day. The sun shone brilliantly against the ancient stones of Redwall Abbey. Birds sang their joyfully songs as flowers bloomed in many magnificent colors. Bees droned lazily through the air and dibbuns ran around sqealing and giggling as they played.

Abbot Thibb smiled as he took his time appreciating the glorious day. He made his way up the stairs of the outer abbey walls. He sat waiting for his friend to arrive with tea. And soon she did, carrying a tray of food up the stairs and setting it down as she explained what she had brought.

"There's the tea, some shortbread, oatfarls, and that cheese you like. The one with the flaked almonds in it. Oh dear, I hope I haven't forgotten anything." She said. The abbot smiled warmly at the kind sister.

"No Fisk, this is perfect the way you made it. No need to go running around the abbey for some tea." He said. The sister sat and they ate the small meal together. Soon, Abbot Thibb began to doze off. As he slept, he saw the figure of a mouse coming towards him and knew it was Martin The Warrior. He smiled and listened as the warrior mouse spoke to him.

[Lady Ashenwyte]

;DThank you very much! I try my best to write like Brian Jacques...

My advice is, create your own style and don't be a Brian Jacques clone. Just my two cents.

[cairn destop]

I'll do chapter three later.  Consider that either a threat or promise -- (grin)

Second chapter comments:

1 --- Big improvement on the appearance, much easier reading.

2 --- Good pace to the story, though I'm thinking you in a hurry to get to the action.

3 --- A bit of a logic error with the guard.  He is part of the tribe, which means all will be fed, especially somebody performing a valuable service.  The guard might go for more via theft.   

4 --- Logic error, no guards for the camp?  You have one assigned to the prisoners and nobody else?  They are in hostile territory and have hostages.  At least the chief should have anticipated a rescue attempt.  If you did have a trap set for the shrews in chapter three, than well done. 

5 --- yet she could tell he used his skills for good --- I don't think so.  What makes this visible?  At this point, Stashi might recognize the stance of a warrior, she might have an idea regarding his skill, but not his nature.

6 --- As I've warned you before, overuse of the exclamation point is removing its value.  Best you either eliminate it or limit its use to once per chapter.

7 --- but not without asking questions --- Redundant, the very next segment is dialogue and it is nothing but the obvious questions.

8 --- Log-a-log held up his paw for silence. --- The dialogue is Stashi's, keep to her.  It is also redundant based on the dialogue that follows.  If you wish to keep this, modify it to remain in Stashi's POV ---  She ceased asking questions when the shrew signalled silence.

SPAG:

1 --- I'm dying!" He said. --- The words "He said," is a dialogue tag.  It is part of the prior dialogue and the proper punctuation is always a comma. --- I'm dying, he said.

2 --- fox." She growled softly --- Dialogue tag, should be --- fox," she growled softly

3 --- me for it?" He said --- Dialogue tag punctuation is always a comma.  You define the question via the tag ---- me for it," he asked

4 --- lept up -- Spelling, should be leapt up.  Use that computer word speller.  I admit to turning mine off during first drafts since the story is the main focus.  However, always check it before posting.

5 --- shortsword -- Two words, short sword


I'll be the first to admit it took me time learning about dialogue tags.  Just remember if the line following the dialogue identifies the speaker or gives a qualifier to the words, such as he shouted, than it is a tag. 

Though not a problem here, be aware that pronouns have a way of causing confusion if used too often.  Don't be afraid of using the character's name.  For example, why isn't the bully identified?  He should be known to Stashi since he is a member of her tribe.

[Eulaliaaa!]

Thank you for pointing those things out to me, it's really helpful 

[Wot, wot!]

Top hole, wot wot! This is AWESOME!!!! 

[Eulaliaaa!]

Thanks wot! 

[cairn destop]

I see you have a preference to the paragraph indent style.  Nothing wrong with it.  I've seen both it and the more current style, the block, used.  It is nothing more than appearance.

1 --- along side -- Compound word, should be alongside.  I do admit spell checkers will miss these kind of things.  Best suggestion, if you think it is compounded, write it as one word.  If the spell checker red lines it, it isn't suppose to be done as a compound.

2 --- logboat -- This time the word isn't a compound word.  Should be log boat.  Again, this is something even spellcheckers can miss.

3 --- The shrew sighed -- Should be in the next paragraph.  Dialogue remains in one character's perspective.  This line is from the shrew's POV.

4 --- You have missed so many dialogue tags that all I can do is suggest you read my prior comments.  The most common one is (character) said.  All will quantify the voice or qualify the speaker.  Proper punctuation is always a comma regardless of the sentence.  When you do a question, the dialogue tag defines it as a question, such as (character) asked.

5 --- Stashi was born into the horde, she would see the scar not as an evil, but a mark of pride or solidarity.  She should have, or had, a tight bond with her tribe.  This is a logic error.

6 --- The idea of marking is not unusual in human tribes, so this is an excellent idea in the story.  However, you might want to rethink the baby idea.  The marking might be done as a sign of adulthood and maturity.  This makes it something special, not evil.

7 --- Always remember, no character goes out to be deliberately evil.  They always see some reason to justify their actions.  She might not like the marking, but would never call it an evil act.

8 --- Nice use of the POV shift.  Some sites allow extra space as the POV shift.  Many don't and some breaker should be used.  The centered dots, dashes, and tides are the most common.

9 --- as she explained what she had brought -- You do this via the following dialogue so don't repeat it here.  This is what I sometimes call murder most foul - of your story.  It is a killer for whatever the dialogu reveals.

10 --- The abbot smiled warmly at the kind sister -- See item three.

11 --- This last sentence isn't much of a cliffhanger.  A cliffhanger is a hook to catch the reader's interest and to draw him into the next chapter.  The stronger the hook, the better.  A possible suggestion: --- Soon, Abbot Thibb fell asleep. (avoid the preposition at the end of a sentence.)  When he dreamed, he had a vision.  (You leave out the reference to Martin the Warrior until the next chapter.  Readers should be wondering what vision did he have.)



The story is progressing, but there are some holes in it.  If Log-a-log doesn't trust the fox, he shouldn't be helping her.  He might leave her alive and unharmed, but why does he take her?  Why is she antagonistic to her rescuer?  Some of this is of course for later chapters, but have a reason behind the character's actions.  The idea is to have them act as they should based on your character description.  I personally find it helpful interviewing my characters, but be warned.  Sometimes you'll find your characters doing something you don't want them doing.

[Eulaliaaa!]

Thank you, I'll try to make things more clear when I'm writing the next chapter. I've been a bit busy lately, so I might not be able to write a whole lot.

[Eulaliaaa!]

Been a while, but here's the next chapter.

Ch. 4 The Vermin Warrior

Abbott Thibb watched as Martin the Warrior came forward through the thick mist, wielding his great sword and looking at him with his bright, shining eyes.

"Listen, good abbott, and your Abbey will survive a great war:

An army is coming to conquer and slay,
A vermin will come, don't turn her away,
Two dibbuns she saves from the bitter cold,
Several hours from now when the night is old,
My sword she shall wield to rescue Redwall,
She'll kill the vermin and save you all.

Martin began to fade back into the mist, and Abbott Thibb wandered through the peaceful land of dreams until he was awakened by a fly landing on his nose. He twitched his whiskers, sending it flying. He sat up, Sister Fisk shaking her head at him.

"Father Abbot, fancy you be sleeping while those two dibbuns are still missing. I've come up here to wake you and tell you that they're nowhere to be found," she said. Abbott Thibb got to his feet slowly.

"Oh dear, that means they must have gotten out into Mossflower Woods. I'll have Skipper gather up his crew and search for them. If only I could find him," the Abbott said. Sister Fisk smiled, shaking her head.

"Down by the Abbey pond, playing with the dibbuns, of course. Silly otter, he's worse than the dibbuns himself," she laughed. Abbott Thibb smiled, slowly making his way down the stairs.

"Yes, he is. But what would we do without him? He's very brave," he called over his shoulder to the mouse. She smiled and watched him go to the Abbey pond, where Skipper of otters was splashing around in the shallows with the dibbuns.

"Aagh, you little villains, you'll drown me. Mercy, mercy I say, spare me you young wretches," he bellowed, as dibbuns climbed onto his shoulders giggling.

"Gimme a piggyback ride, me wanna piggyback ride."

"I wanna swim, lemme go into the deep part, Mista Skipper."

"Toss me, toss me. I wanna fly inna air like a bird."

"Oho, you little ruffian. Leggo my ears. Ahoy maties, come join us." Skipper waved the Abbott over to him.

"No thank you Skipper, I'm afraid that I have a very serious matter to discuss. Would you mind speaking with me for a second or two?" He asked. Skipper nodded, pulling dibbuns off himself as he left the pond.

"You guard the pond without me, maties. Make sure no vermin come running around. Abbott Thibb, what's the matter?" Skipper asked. Abbott Thibb sighed, shaking his head.

"Two dibbuns have gone missing. We've searched everywhere and I think they may have gotten out into the woodlands. Would you gather up your crew and search for them? I'm very concerned," The Abbott said. Skipper nodded.

"Aye, I'll have them searching Mossflower, don't you worry your head about them, I'll find them," he said. Abbott Thibb smiled at the otter.

"You are a good friend, Skipper. I don't know what I'd do without your help," he said. Skipper laughed.

"Hahar, you know I'd do anything to help you, Abbott Thibb, don't go thanking me and all that. I'll be off now, and I'll have your dibbuns back safe and sound before you know it," he chuckled, running off to gather his crew. Abbott Thibb watched him go, then made his way to the kitchens where food could always be found.

                                                     *****

Log-a-log and his Guosim landed sometime during late afternoon, pulling their log boats ashore and walking off through the forest. Stashi kept close to Log-a-log, aware of the glares the Guosim were giving her. She wished she had her daggers, which where missing when she had woken up.

"Tell me, why are you helping me if you don't trust me. Your Guosim obviously wish to kill me, and you won't let them," she said. Log-a-log turned to her.

"I've told you several times now, you're not like the other vermin, Stashi. And you have information we need to fight this vermin horde. I'm taking you to Redwall, they'll know what to do with you and the information you give." He said. Stashi shook her head.

"You don't trust me, none of you Guosim trust me. Why am I not tied up? Is this how you treat all your captives? That is not very wise, especially with vermin," she said. Log-a-log sighed with frustration.

"This is not how I treat all my captives, and you have made no move to escape or attack, you are unarmed and not a threat to us. Now be quiet," he said. Stashi opened her mouth to ask more questions, but thought it better to remain silent. They continued to travel towards Redwall, walking through the peaceful woods.

Stashi looked around the forest, listening to birds songs and the soft rustling of leaves in the light breeze that danced through them. She stared at the flowers littering the ground daffodils, snapdragons, and tulips. She watched as a bird took off flying, disturbed by the Guosim's constant arguing.

"Guosim stop, we'll camp here for the night," Log-a-log called out. The Guosim stopped, setting up camp in the dying daylight. Stashi walked around, trying to ignore the looks from the Guosim. Soon, tents were set up and fires were blazing brightly into the night. Stashi huddled by one next to Log-a-log, who eyed her suspiciously.

"How do I know your not gonna run off while we sleep? I don't think I can trust you, no matter how kind you seem," he said. Stashi shrugged.

"And go where? Back to that vermin camp? No, I'm done with them, I'm never going back," she said. Log-a-log narrowed his eyes, then leaned back against the tree trunk he was sitting by.

"Very well. Ruggan, Grubb, first watch tonight. Everyone else get some sleep, we'll reach Redwall tomorrow. Don't try running Stashi, I'll be watching," he said.

Campfires died down, and shrews snores loudly as those who were watching began to fall asleep. That was when Stashi made her move. Creeping quietly through the maze of shrews and tents, she made her way out of the camp and into the forest. There, she took off running. Dashing through Mossflower wildly, those shrews would kill her, she was sure of it. In a vermin camp, looks like the ones she got meant death.

She stumbled over tree roots, panicked and lost. She heard yelling behind her, they knew she was missing. She looked back behind her, then tripped over something. It moved, screaming as she scrambled to her feet. It was a white blanket spread out over the forest floor, rushing towards her as it screamed even louder. She panicked, the Guosim yells getting closer. She cried out in fear as something grabbed hold of her footpaw and tripped her. Confusion broke out everywhere as Log-a-log tripped over her and several of his Guosim tripped over him. Stashi kicked out, looking for a way to escape from the white blanket and the Guosim.

[Mhera]

Good work!

As Ash said above, don't worry about writing like Jacques. After all, one of the reasons his books are so popular is because he didn't write like everyone else. He wrote the way he wanted to. This is your story, don't be afraid write the way you're most comfortable with.

Please keep updating, this is a fun read so far.

[Eulaliaaa!]

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I do have my own style, I just use his to try improving my writing. I will write whenever I have time. 

[Wot, wot!]

This is really good  very suspenseful and well written   

[Lady Ashenwyte]

One thing though,  why would Log a log distrust Stashi and then not tie her up? Logic bomb.