When the Bells of Danger Toll

[The Skarzs]

  The story continues!

 However, it still has its bumps, edges, and corners.
 Through the chapter it looked like you were trying to add too much description, which led to confusing yourself, it seemed. In the first paragraph, you said "sat heating in the rough sun of the Summer heat". You said heat twice, something that sounds sloppy. That's not the only thing, though; say it out loud. Rough sun of the summer heat? Switching it to "rough heat from the summer sun" would work better, but I feel that it would only be necessary to say "sat heating in the rough summer sun". Sometimes trying to add more description isn't always desirable.
 There were a couple occasions where you used improper usage of words, as well as misspellings. "Whci","theior", "pored" rather than "poured", "the tall assortment of trees", and some others. Also, when Jerard was yelling, he said: "I'll CRUSH YOU SPINE AND YOU FOR LUNCH RAT!"    ??    Perhaps you were trying to have him say that he would crush his spine and eat him for lunch, but with those grammar issues it's not certain.
 I understand that Jerard has anger issues and that little things can set him off, but it hardly seems possibly unless he has a serious mental condition that he would want to kill a young mouse just for eating some food. In addition to that, I don't understand how a little mouse could eat food enough for two meals for the entire group.
 Other personality-related issues were when you switched views. At first it seemed like there was no point of view, then you went to Poneight, Bersailles, Mecshan, back to Poneight, and so on. How did you do this? Well, you wanted to tell us that Bersailles was confused, so the only way it seemed that could be done would be by switching to his point of view for a moment. Show, don't tell. "With a confused look on his face, Bersailled pointed back at Mecshan, who didn't even notice as he poured out the sack with a face like stone." Trying to tell us what you want the characters to feel may seem so easy to just do, but it's sloppy writing. Other characters can notice expressions without you telling us what he's feeling, so the point of view character can notice things like that. Try to keep to the same viewpoint for half a chapter straight, if not a full one or two chapters.
 Last minor thing was that unless the crate was soaked in petroleum or oil it wouldn't catch fire as quickly as you said it did.


Hope my criticism doesn't harm your continuation.

[Gonff the Mousethief]

Thank you very much Sky! I'll go and fix those things. Oh, and I have been meaning to go read yours, so be on a look out for my complements!

[Skyblade]

Thanks Gonff Yeah, my fanfic is rather long and needs so much improvement. By I really appreciate your interest!

[Gonff the Mousethief]

Oops, Sorry Skarzs, didn't see your post.

The whole sun and heat thing was a mistake. I misplaced the words int eh wrong order. I didn't see that Ii forgot the word eat, so that was also corrected.
With Jerard. He is still angered by Derand as they didn't get off on the right foot. Plus, if you noticed that they had been traveling through tough terrain for three hours which made the strong and healthy Jerard tired. No telling how the others felt. It would make sense that the small mouse ate the food, for when they start back up, he is put in the front, signifying that he was either last or far in the back. He is also still very small and the size of a child, meaning he would be growing needing food. To add to it all, Jerad's backstory said that he was raised as a Bloodwrath machine by Sea Rats, so he is easily angered, especially by the small mouse who he is into friends with. Even in the end he booted him off to get back at him. I wish not to explain it all in the text, but for the reader to read in between the lines. Its a style. Something you can't learn in a class.

Finally, on the point of view. I tend to change it from none to a character, for they are all important, and none should be left out. They all see things, some when the plot needs them to, sometimes not.

I know I probably have all of this backwards, but it is the way I write, and it is far different from others such as yourself.  So many things I do are not the "Right way" or "Politically Correct". Odd I may be, its just the way I do things, and writing is one of them.

Sorry if that came off mean, derogatory, or rude. I am just saying my point.

[The Skarzs]

  Right, well I'm just going to give you a warning: It's sloppy writing, and even if you want to write that way, it degrades the quality of the story. Editors won't like it, and chances are they would say similar things as I.

[Skyblade]

How is it sloppy? You mean the formatting?

Obviously everyone needs improvement (definitely myself), but I personally can say that I really like Gonff's story.

[The Skarzs]

See my points at the top of the page that he said were his style.

[Gonff the Mousethief]

No Skarzs, I see the errors and corrected them. If you read, I am stating that I give subtle hints as to why things happened, and why I change my PoV. Your "Points" are not what I am calling my style, but the way I write and do things, which some of the things you criticized touched on. Also, seeing that many other authors do this, and they have made good money off if it, I would say it is not sloppy. Now Good Day!

Oh, and thank you Sky. At least someone can see past errors and appreciate what I spent time writing. Makes me all fuzzy inside.

[The Skarzs]

I didn't mean to upset you, but it looks like there's no getting past that now.

And I'm sorry that I seem to only have criticism; I never said the story wasn't good, never said I couldn't see past mistakes, but just as you have your style, I have my own personality, and that personality is blunt and ofttimes heartless.


I hope to see more chapters in the future, in any case.

[James Gryphon]

Besides the spelling errors and the like that's already been mentioned, there's one thing that keeps bugging me... all of the Yodaspeak.

"Wacked out is he!"
The poor thing, young he was.
"Sickly in the head he is though!"
Red turned the eyes of the Badger

If it happened just once or twice, it wouldn't have been that big of a deal, but this sticks out as a major characteristic of your writing, and I felt it's something you ought to know about.

Here's a few other awkwardly-worded moments:

Standing next to a old bench on the side of the ship was a badger whose name was Jerard.
(This doesn't exactly roll off of the tongue. I think part of the trouble is that it attempts to describe the ship and the badger at the same time.)
Dotting the sand were multiple foot prints (The structure "Multiple foot prints dotted the sand" seems more natural)
An Arrow covered in fire shot through the brush of the woods and landed in the shoulder of Mitt, knocking him off of the cliff! ("Landed in Mitt's shoulder")

Other than that and the issues described before, I guess it's an okay start.

[Skyblade]

Oh, and thank you Sky. At least someone can see past errors and appreciate what I spent time writing. Makes me all fuzzy inside.

They are small errors, at least in my opinion. It's still very good, Gonff, and we want to see more. Besides, everyone has room for editing. And of course I appreciate it; how can I not? How can I not?

I personally like your style.

If it makes you feel better, Gonff, Skarzs had plenty of criticism to say about my fanfic, too. I'm not trying to point him out; I appreciate the much needed advice, and sometimes I need a reality check. He is only trying to help us all get better

But the point is that we all can improve. And that's definitely me, okay?

At least people read your work. I feel ignored most of the time with my writing and that's the solid truth. I'm sure there's a valid reason for that, though. Nevertheless, I will continue to write because I enjoy it. Sure, I'm discouraged, but not enough to give up a passion of mine.

[Gonff the Mousethief]

@Skarzs: Thank you for saying that. Gives me a little peace knowing that you actually look forward to more.

@James: I was trying to not sound repetitive, and didn't see how much I was doing it.  As for the other mistakes, it seems like I tried to combine a things which should have been separate/ worded differently. Thank you for giving you two cents. I will be more careful next chapter.

@Sky: I completely see what you are saying, and guess I can be blunt at times such as these. With a story like this one, it will need some major improvements. Thank you for what you said. I am honored by it.

Your writing is far better than mine and is amazing, especially your new fanfition. Don't worry though. Once people open there eyes, the floodgates will open  .

[Skyblade]

Major improvement...sounds like something I very much need! But I really appreciate your compliment, Gonff, even though it's all hard for me to believe. Thank you.

[Captain Tammo]

A good entry in an entertaining story! Hope those fire arrows don't set the whole forest on fire!
Looking forward to what you've got next!

[Skyblade]

I'm a Grammar Nazi, but I don't want to annoy people. Nevertheless, this is on your title, so you might want to fix it. I think you changed the title; it should be When the Bells of Danger Toll instead of "Tolls" at the end.

Just wanted to let you know. You are truly talented, Gonff!