ASHLEG'S HORDE

[Ashleg]

There's many different flavors!

* Ashleg locks Lord Ashenwyte in a cage.

[Groddil]

* Groddil munches on a slice of double-pepperoni meat-lovers with a bacon and cheese stuffed crust, garnished with Anti-Ashenwyte, Anti-DDB, Anti-Anyone-who-isn't-part-of-the-horde poison-powder.

"Mmm, delicious..."

[Ashleg]

* Ashleg kicks Groddil down and steals his pizza.

HAHARR, MATEY! I BE A PIRATE PLUNDERIN' GRODDIL'S PIZZA

[Groddil]

"Oh no you don't!"

* Groddil traps Ashleg in sticky melted cheese and takes the pizza back.

* Groddil eats the pizza.

"Sorry 'bout that, boss, but I was hungry."

[Ashleg]

* Ashleg eats his way out of the cheese

"Come here, Addlebrain!"

* Ashleg whacks Groddil with a spork

[Groddil]

* Groddil dodges the spork.

"I wrote this thing..."

Spoiler

Groddil presents...An Ashleg Entertainment Storybook...

FOR THE HORDE! (A Choose Your Own Adventure)

Your name...is Xx_360Noscoped_xX Jimmy. You have just created an account on the Redwall Abbey Forum. You look around. Hmm, where to go?

General Redwall Discussion

You decided to go to the Redwall Discussion board. Unfortunately, all there is to talk about has been burned out long ago. Why don't you go somewhere else?

[close]

The Roleplay Board

Roleplaying sounds fun. You go to the RP board, and begin to post. Unfortunately, all the active RPs were closed, so the owners chase you away. Why don't you go somewhere else?

[close]

The Cellars

You enter...the cellars. What could possibly go wrong? So many topics, Adventure to Gadna, that sounds interesting. Or how about that Consult the Bird-Lion thread? You begin making your way over to something interesting, when a pine marten attacks you. To your surprise, it begins to speak!
"Whadda you doin' here? Ooh, fresh meat... >:3 Come join my horde!"
You are whisked away to a strange place, where upon the pine marten greets you again.
"I'm Ashleg, who are you?"

Say "My name's Jimmy"

"My names J-"
"THAT'S GREAT! YOU CAN BE 'FAITHFUL HORDEBEAST.' THAT'S A GREAT NAME, HUH FAITHFUL HORDEBEAST?"

Say "Yeah, I guess so..."

"Yeah, I guess so..."
"EXCELLENT! Now, FAITHFUL HORDEBEAST, we exist for one reason! To bring the wonderfullness of HOT COCOA AND JIGSAW PUZZLES to the rest of the forum. Take these leaflets and deliver them across all the boards!"

Try to escape

You ignore the leaflets and run for it. You see a whale nearby, and jump onto it. The whale spouts hot cocoa from its blowhole and flies into the sky. You stick your tongue out at Ashleg down below, who is throwing stuff at you, but no avail.
"Hahahahaha!"
You laugh in joy, time to get out of here. Maybe you'd be more sane in Cavern Hole...Unfortunately, a passing helicopter pilotted by LT Sandpaw kills your whale, and you splat on the ground. Ashleg laughs at you and pours hot cocoa over your corpse. You have died, try again.

[close]

Take the leaflets

You take the leaflets from Ashleg's paw. He cackles at you and points towards the exit.
"Alrighty, there are 3 places that need leaflets delivered to. Adventure to Gadna, War in 1700, and The Most Random Thread Ever!"

Take leaflets to Adventure to Gadna

You decide to head to Adventure to Gadna first. As soon as you enter, you see rachel23 and Faiyloe stuck in conversation with each other. Nobody else is there. You try to pin up a leaflet, but a giant "CLOSED" sign appears, preventing you from doing so.

Hack rachel23's account

After some effort, you eventually manage to hack rachel23's account. You use her account to pin up the leaflets. Unfortunately, you are perma-banned from the forum. Despite this, Ashleg manages to track you down in real life. You are initially shocked at his real appearance, but then he drags you back into the internet. You are never seen again. You're probably dead, so try again.

[close]

Post anyway

You decide to ignore the "CLOSED" sign and post anyway. James Gryphon appears out of nowhere, chews you out, gaqs you, and deletes your post. You reappear in the cellars, and Adventure to Gadna seems to have disappeared. Oh well, there must be a different way to put up the leaflets.

Put the leaflets up in "Grande Forum Masquerade"

You attempt to put the leaflets up in "Grande Forum Masquerade." Unfortunately, all of the normal people from the forum don't like that, so they kick you out. Your leaflets never broke the rules; however, so they're still there. That should do!

*1 SET OF LEAFLETS PUT UP*

[close]

Put the leaflets up in "Christmas 2K15

Nice work, fool. You posted in a dead topic. In minutes, Christmas 2K15 is quickly bumped down to the bottom of the board by popular threads you could have chosen from. Try again.

[close]

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Take leaflets to War in 1700

Upon entering the War in 1700 thread, you quickly notice that there appears to be a war going on (duh). You see two armies, one Russian and one Swedish, duking it out. Maybe if you help one, they'll accept your leaflets! Hmm, but which one...

Support the Swedish

WHY DIDN'T YOU READ THE NEXT COUPLE PAGES? If you did, you would know that Sweden loses the war. Typical, too lazy to read through all the pages, it wouldn't take you THAT long, maybe only about 2 hours. Nonetheless, you are executed by the Russians for your poor choices.

[close]

Support the Russians

The Russian army utterly reks the Swedish army. You approach the Tsar and mention that for your loyalty, you should be allowed to put up some leaflets. Unfortunately, you are not allowed to, instead, you are stuck governing the Russian-occupied Sweden.

Return to Ashleg and tell him of your failure

"Err...sorry, Ashleg, but..."
"Yes, FAITHFUL HORDEBEAST? Did you get the leaflets? What is it? TELL ME!"
"I...kinda, sorta failed to put leaflets up in War in 1700..."
Ashleg shakes his head.
"Tsk, tsk. I would suggest that you put them up in my RP instead, but you aren't a part. What a shame...Well, I guess I'll have to turn your intestines into a jigsaw puzzle...

Beg for forgiveness

"Wait, please Ashleg, don't do this!"
Ashleg cocks his head to one side.
"Sorry, FAITHFUL HORDEBEAST, but I don't tolerate failure any more than I tolerate people not posting enough in my RP. Don't worry, you'll be much more useful to the horde as a fun, entertaining jigsaw puzzle! HeheeheaeeeaaaA!"
You have died, and your intestines made into a jigsaw puzzle. Try again.

[close]

Stick a leaflet on Ashleg

Not thinking straight, you lash out to defend yourself, sticking a leaflet in the middle of Ashleg's forehead. After realizing what you've done, you cringe and await punishment.
"Hey...that's a good idea, FAITHFUL HORDEBEAST! Now, wherever I go, they'll see the leaflet. Congratulations!

*1 SET OF LEAFLETS PUT UP*

[close]

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Govern Sweden until you are allowed to put up leaflets

You decide to stay in your position. Eventually; however, Sweden is invaded, and Russia goes off to fight Spain. You're on your own, you need to fight them off.

PowerPlay the enemy out of existence

You break the rules, defeating the opposition in an instant. You are once again kicked out of the thread, but you manage to put up your leaflets before you go. SUCCESS!

*1 SET OF LEAFLETS PUT UP*

[close]

Surrender, and hope Russia comes back to help you

Yeah, shame that Lord Daskar takes no prisoners. Your surrender is practically inviting him to stab you. So he does. You lose, and there's no way to put up your leaflets. Try again.

[close]

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Take leaflets to The Most Random Thread Ever!

You successfully put leaflets up in The Most Random Thread Ever! Unfortunately, the thread is, as the title suggests, random. Your leaflets are quickly forgotten amongst the many subject changes and spam posts. There has to be another way to do this...

Associate the leaflets with the topic of discussion

You make several long, thought-out posts about how the leaflets actually relate to the topic of discussion. Unfortunately, the thread is, as the title suggests, random. The moment the topic changes, your leaflets are forgotten.

[close]

Spam the thread with leaflet posts.

This is da cellars, we do wut we want! You spam the thread with leaflet posts, but because you make sure to not double post or make unnecessarily long walls of text, you TECHNICALLY aren't doing anything that bad. The thread is, as the title suggests, random. In time, people begin to notice your leaflets. SUCCESS!

*1 SET OF LEAFLETS PUT UP*

[close]

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Click here once you finish delivering the leaflets.

"Nice work, FAITHFUL HORDEBEAST! I think it's about time I organized a pizza party for the horde, don't you?"
"Umm..."
"GREAT IDEA, FAITHFUL HORDEBEAST! We'll need to make sure that non-hordebeasts don't invade, so YOU can stand guard. Don't worry, you're missing out on pizza for the good of the horde! Run along now..."

Protest

"Hang on, why can't someone else do it? I mean, I just delivered all the le-"
"ARE YOU BEING DISOBEDIENT, FAITHFUL HORDEBEAST? >:O"
"No, I just..."
Ashleg pours hot cocoa down your throat until it burns away your insides. You have died. Try again.

[close]

Comply

"Fine. I'll keep watch."
"Excellent, FAITHFUL HORDEBEAST!"
You trudge off wearily towards the border with the cellar.s After some time of uneventful watch, a mysterious figure approaches.
"I AM KINGMAKER, PREPARE TO BE DESTROYED!"

Attack Kingmaker

"Oh, yeah! Maybe I should destroy you! FALCON...PUNCH!!!"
You throw a tiny punch at Kingmaker. Only Captain Falcon is capable of the Falcon Punch, so it fizzles out harmlessly. Kingmaker cackles evilly, then turns you inside out and inflates your spleen. Your inside-out body floats away into the sky. Try again.

[close]

Tell Ashleg

You run off back to Ashleg as soon as Kingmaker appears.
"Ashleg! Kingmaker is attacking!"
Ashleg's eyes go wide, and he runs around flapping his arms like a bird.
"FAITHFUL HORDEBEAST! Go get a weapon from Groddil's Ye Olde Magicks Shoppe and Cafe!

Grab the Whale Cannon

"EAT THIS, KINGMAKER!"
You pull the trigger of the Whale Cannon, shooting a high-speed whale at Kingmaker. The whale smashes him into a wall,  trapping him. You line up a second shot and pull the trigger. If only whales weren't so slippery...The second whale shoots towards Kingmaker, bounces off of the first one, and shoots back towards you. You are squished by the whale's immense bulk. Try again.

[close]

Grab the Squeaky Hammer

"EAT THIS, KINGMAKER!"
You swing the squeaky hammer at Kingmaker, aiming to take his head off in one shot. Shame you forgot to inflate it. The squeaky hammer bounces harmlessly off Kingmaker, who steps on you. You died. Try again.

[close]

Grab the Piece of Cheese.

"EAT THIS, KINGMAKER!"
You throw the cheese at Kingmaker, who eats it in one bite.
"Mmm, tasty."
Kingmaker burps and turns around. Muttering strangely about finding more cheese, he leaves the horde alone. Ashleg comes up to you and throws an arm around you shoulder.
"Congratulations, FAITHFUL HORDEBEAST! You saved the horde! I think you deserve a reward..."

Request pizza

"Could I...have some pizza?"
"WHAT? Hey, I'm still hungry, FAITHFUL HORDEBEAST! Maybe I should just eat you, I am a cannibal, after all!"
You begin to feel hair sprouting all over your body. You look at your hands, which have become paws. You look into a nearby mirror, and to your horror, you have become a pine marten. You look over your shoulder, and see Ashleg approaching with a knife and spork. You're probably gonna die. Try again.

[close]

Decline a reward

"I...really don't need a reward, Ashleg."
"WHAT?! If I say you get a reward, THEN YOU GET A REWARD! If you're just going to be ungrateful, FINE! YOU DON'T GET A REWARD! In fact, I may just have to punish you. GEEEEEEEET OOOOOOOUUUUUTTTT!"
Ashleg kicks you roughly in the backside, sending you sprawling out of the horde thread.
"Wait...Did I...WHOOOOOO!"
You relish in your new-found freedom. It's just a pity that without the horde, you don't fit into any groups. So, like many before you, you are doomed to live the life of a lurker. Try again to get back in Ashleg's good books.

[close]

Request a jigsaw puzzle

"Hmm...You seem to have a lot of...Jigsaw puzzles lying around..."
"Great idea, FAITHFUL HORDEBEAST! Here's a jigsaw puzzle of my second-in-command, Groddil. Why don't you go off to some dark corner and try to put it together. Shouldn't take you very long..."

CONGRATULATIONS!!! You...won, I guess? There's a part 2 coming, starring yours truly as Ashleg's (slightly less) insane 2IC.

[close]

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Say "Your 'Caps Lock' key is stuck.

"Your 'Caps Lock' key is stuck."
"What's a 'Caps Lock' key? I think there's something wrong with you, FAITHFUL HORDEBEAST! You need to be cleansed in the fiery brilliance of boiling hot cocoa!"
Before you can reply, Ashleg grabs you and throws you into a massive vat of boiling cocoa. Suffice to say, you die. Try again.

[close]

[close]

Say "Hi Ashleg"

"Hi Ashley!"
Oops. No you've done it! You said the wrong thing!
"Who are you calling Ashley, Jimmy, ya Crazyhead?"
Ashleg attacks you with a spork, and you die. Try again.

[close]

[close]

Forum Games

You go to Forum Games. So...addicting! You spend so long stuck in Guys VS Girls that you begin to lose your sanity. Go to rehab, then choose a different place.

[close]

[close]

[Ashleg]

And everybeast died! The end. Heh heh heh.
*dips a pine marten cookie in hot cocoa and takes a bite*

[Hickory]

*Argulor swoops down and eats Ashleg the pine marten*

[Ashleg]

Oh, look, it's that stupid bird again? Uh, uhh... *runs* *trips because of peg leg* *gets eaten*

*reappears*
Ashleg's nine hundred lives. You gotta love 'em.

[Lord Daskar]

Invincible is better.

* Lord Daskar grabs some double-pepperoni meat-lovers with a bacon and cheese stuffed crust.

[Groddil]

Invinvible? Yes. Impervious to an eternity of paralyzing pain? No, cause you just ate pizza that had Anti-Anyone-Who-Isn't-Part-of-the-Horde Poison-Powder on it. Enjoy your never ending torture.

[LT Sandpaw]

Typical Daskar, there is little room left for creativity when the most creative thing you can do is make yourself invincible. I enjoy the challenge of being the underdog, but still besting the one who try to make themselves all powerful, it makes things interesting.

Anyway.

This shall be the new meeting place for the Horde Party. I Sandpaw 'Lieutenant in the horde, and Ambassador of Elestra' shall be campaign manager during the election while Emperor Senator Ashleg is running Cellar president. Do all find this acceptable? If not too bad you don't get a say, only Ashleg does!

Ahem, Mr. Ashleg if you would please say a few words.

[Ashleg]

*clears throat*
A few words.

[LT Sandpaw]

*The Crowd erupts into applause.*

[Lord Daskar]

Invinvible? Yes. Impervious to an eternity of paralyzing pain? No, cause you just ate pizza that had Anti-Anyone-Who-Isn't-Part-of-the-Horde Poison-Powder on it. Enjoy your never ending torture.

I happen to be immune to Anti-Anyone-Who-Isn't-Part-of-the-Horde Poison-Powder. And Ashleg's also running for President, now we will see who Groddil is loyal to, me or Ashleg.