The Eastern Warrior

[Feles]

This is my first one so I need constructive critiques

Prologue

      Running. That was all the black furred mouse did anymore. He had tried to fight, more than once. Once with a band of shrews, then with two northlanders that gave him their blades. He felt the dirks in their slots on a chest piece.  Now he was running again. He would run till he could defeat his enemy, Xetill, Emperor Xetill.

Chapter 1

      "What are you doing my friend" said Abbot Hiro to his friend Drake cellarhog. Drake was pouring the contents of a barrel into the ditch.
   "Those rascally DAB gang members raided my cellars and that son o' mine, Cordial fell into a barrel of nutbrown ale!" exclaimed Drake "Now I have to empty it out, this one was the best I had!"
   The abbot was trying unsuccessfully to stifle his laughter. "hohohohahaha- that must be agonizing to pour that out-hahaha"
   "Why are you laughing abbot" said Drake in mock seriousness "It is agonizing pouring my beloved nutbrown ale into the ditch so some toad can lick it up"
   "I'm sorry my friend, I could not help it," said the abbot regaining his composure "though I am glad that we are only laughing at misfortune, and not anything more serious"
"You are not alone in thinking that, abbot"
"huh? Oh, hello Sul, eavesdropping again I see"
Smiling, Sul, the abbey warrior shook his head "No, I just overheard as I was going to my daily walk around the walls"
Drake had finished pouring the nutbrown ale and called over his shoulder to the abbot and the warrior "Id love to stay and chat but I have to go back and make sure those dibbuns don't get into anymore drinks, the midsummer feast is coming and I don't want to make it any less great than it should be"
"Good luck to you, Drake" called Sul to the cellarhog, and to the abbot he said "Also, you might want to help in the kitchens, guess-who has been trying to raid it all morning"
"Not Ray, that hare could eat the walls if he got to thinking about it"
" Yes he could, id get there as soon as possible"

Chapter 2

   Xetill the black furred stout emperor was currently in his tent waiting for his second-in-command Specter's return. The emperor looked at his blade, the actual blade was made from metal that was from a volcano, but the thorns were steel. Specter, his gray furred battle crazy second in command fox came in without a sound, his small crow, Corvus perched on his shoulder. "There is an abbey half a day's march from here"
   "An abbey?" asked Xetill
   "Yes, Redwall, I believe." said Specter
"Redwall, that would be the fabled abbey that the rat gang spoke of, wouldn't it?" Xetill chuckled as he thought of what he did to them.
"Yes" Specter rubbed his hands gleefully, a red light flared dimly in the gray coated fox's gaze. "I say we conquer it, Midnight and you are mortal enemies right?"
"Yes, so he would have to attack the abbey if we conquer it, that is harder than attacking a vermin camp." Said Xetill, rubbing his chin.
   "I'll give you some background on that abbey, they're a lucky bunch, either getting help at the last minute or a warning from the abbey warrior spirit" said Scepter
   "Well, that makes it hard doesn't it" commented Xetill, "but something tells me you have a plan"
"Of course I do"
"Well, I don't like being kept waiting"
"Neither would I, if I were you"
"I'm still waiting"
"Well, I think that we should come in over the wall, silently" Specter said "I lead a force of 25 of your most silent warriors to take the abbey, we'll need grappling hooks."
"Seems good enough, I'll try to unlatch the west gate, you go for the east" Said Xetill
"I see the cleverness in that" said Specter, smiling evilly "let's hope you will soon have the abbot's chair as your throne in, hmm... 2 days?"
"Half a day's march right?"
"Yes"
"Then in two days it is"

Chapter 3

   Midnight was currently captured by a roving vermin gang. They had kept him in an small den. He was taunting the rat who was left to guard him. "One more word and I'll gut ye" the rat said holding his new dirk.
Midnight sniffed disdainfully "You couldn't hit a full grown badger that was standing right in front of you"
"Shut yer gob, mouse" the rat yelled
"Ha, you make me sick, foolish rat" That did it, the rat came and tried to slice him with a downward slash, Midnight suddenly dodged to the blade and it cut one of the ropes binding him. With the newly freed hand he grabbed the rats arm wielding the blade and twisted.
The pain was unbearable, the rat dropped the dirk and it was caught by Midnight who used to quickly slice the other ropes binding him. The rat was sucking at his injured paw when he was roughly kicked down and suddenly had a blade to his throat. "Where is the rest of your lot?"
"They went roving to the west, I swear!" the rat said in panic.
"On what oath?"
"Huh, oh, the oath of all roving vermin." Midnight left him gagged and hanging upside-down from a tree. He retrieved his other dirk and went off in search of the other vermin.

Chapter 4

        Graggle the fox was in a good mood, last night he had captured a tired black furred mouse and now he and Drang the stoat were fighting a squirrel "Jump back so I can get a good shot" He was wielding the bow the mouse had carried and Drang had the mouse's blade. Drang did as told, jumping back, but the squirrel jumped forward so Graggle couldn't get the shot.
     He died without a sound, Graggle did, the dirks stabbed in his head. Drang died short after, the squirrel disarming him then running him through.

0000000000000

Specter was with Sitar, the rat captain. They were looking for an ideal place to throw the grapples over the wall top. "Wont somebeast see us?" asked Sitar.
"No you dimwit" Sitar was not popular with Specter "There is no patrols, this is an abbey, not a castle"
They were silent for a moment, and then Specter spotted the abbey warrior walking along the wall top as he did each early morning. "Get into cover" he hissed to Sitar.
Once he had gone, Sitar said "I told you"
"Shut up before I throttle you"
Eventually Specter found the ideal spot for grappling hooks, he marked the area and went to the spot where he and Xetill would meet in the night.

[The Skarzs]

Very nice; it's a little fast-paced (what I mean is telling a great deal in very little words), but still, very nice.

Although I think this should be in the Fan Fiction board, not the Fan Works.
If you want, I'll PM a mod for you.

[Feles]

Thanks, but I don't think I'm ready for a mod to check this yet, as for the story being fast-paced, I'll work on that for later chapters, but I currently have writer's block so they may take a while

[Feles]

Oh, and one more thing, I've seen Dusktail and all I can say is that it is very intriguing, keep writing man

[The Skarzs]

Um. . . that wasn't me who wrote that.
The author of that is the user Darkenmal. I really enjoy his story as well.
My story is 'Mossflower Falls'.
Here's a link:  http://redwallabbey.com/forum/index.php?topic=5593.0

[Feles]

  well...um

btw can you tell me how to move the fan-fiction to the right category

[The Skarzs]

Yeah; I can PM a mod for you, or you can. Tell them that you think it should be in whatever board (Fan Fiction) and they will be more than happy to help.
I'll PM them.

[Feles]

it was a while ago, but yes I have read it and it was...wow. just wow. Im very interested in how Lord Coalpaw and his allies defeat the massive horde, or if the horde defeats them

[The Skarzs]

You'll see.
It should be uploaded soon.
BTW, I PMed Dawnwing, and she should move this soon.

[Feles]

Thanks 

[The Skarzs]

No prob.

[Feles]

I just edited chapter one if anyone has read it yet

[Feles]

I've lost my writer's block and so here is my next chapter. I tried to make it longer but this is about as far as I got.

Chapter 5

   Sul was sleeping peacefully after the Midsummer feast. Suddenly, the slumber was broken by a scream from his son, Duston in the other room. With amazing speed he got his sword and was in his son's room. "What is it?" he said he asked once he realized it was a dream.
"Martin spoke to me, father!" said Duston in-between pants of fear.
"What?" asked Sul with surprise
"He said this:

Escape to the north and find a safe place
You must make haste, for the foe is near
Find the warrior from the east, and help him defeat his foe
Find all the help you can, for this is no normal force.

Then," said Dustin calming down "Martin stepped to the side and showed me Redwall, only it was taken by a vermin army, that's all I can remember except for that he said one more thing: Remember, make haste!"
Sul was deeply troubled by the warning from the abbey spirit. Finally he said "Come my son, we must rouse the rest of the abbey"

000000000000

"So, your name is Midnight." said the squirrel, whose name was Silven. Silven was  amber furred and carried two sabers. They had just finished disposing the vermin's bodies.
"Yes, it is, you seem to be a traveling warrior."
"Aye, so I am, why do you ask?"
"Well, I need some help defeating a mortal enemy of mine, but be warned; this could cost you your life."
"Ha, count me in, there is a place called Redwall from the way I came, its full of creatures, we should head there to warn them of this emperor." Said Silven, smiling.
Smiling also, Midnight continued talking "That's what I like in warriors"
"I like it too"
Still smiling, they continued trekking through Mossflower Woods. But, their smiles were those of which the hares of Salamandastron would have called perilous.
Soon they came upon a clearing "we should set up camp here" commented Midnight
"Aye" said Silven. Soon they a small fire going and were roasting some oats Silven had found. "So," Silven asked "How did you become mortal enemies with your, uh mortal ememy?"
"Xetill"
"Hmm?"
"His name is Xetill, I used to live as a guard to a massive palace in the far east, but one day I felt that I wanted a different life, one where I would not be a soldier to a tyrannical emperor. So one night I attacked and scarred Xetill over one eye, and he has been after me ever since"
"Well," said Silven "What is this Xetill like?"
"He is a stout with a blade made from a metal that came from a volcano, but it has thorns made from iron on its sides, he calls it the Thornblade"

00000000000

Xetill met Specter with 50 warriors from the horde, half of which he gave to Specter. "There is no guards, this should be a piece of cake" reported Specter
"Yes there is," Sitar said "me and specter saw him"
Specter glared at him before continuing "that was only a abbeydweller that decided to take a stroll on the-"
"No," Sitar interrupted, "he had the look of a warrior"
"Silence!" shouted Xetill "Specter told me there would be an abbey warrior Sitar, you should learn to trust the mind of your betters" Pyxis, another captain under Xetill, sniggered at Sitar. "Now, let's move, I'll see you on the abbey lawn Specter, that is, if all goes according to plan" The force split and began to go their leaders. And so the invasion of Redwall had begun.

[The Skarzs]

Very nice!
Oh, I also reread the first chapter.

[Feles]

well I just edited chapter 5 as well, im glad you like it