The Vermin Warrior

[Eulaliaaa!]

This is my first fanfiction, and I would love to know how I'm doing. Please feel free to point out any errors or unclear parts, or tell me if I'm doing well...

The Vermin Warrior Ch.1

   Stashi sat high in the tree she had climbed, her bright green eyes watching the clouds drifting by. The wind danced playfully through her fur, which was more golden than red. The young fox gazed up at a flock a birds as they flew by, she stretched her paw up and wished dearly that she was flying with them, far away from the vermin camp below.
She continued to watch birds pass by, swooping through the air with born grace and beauty. She was an odd fox, shunned by most of the vermin horde, the Foeslayers. But she was happy with that, for she didn't take to the ways of a vermin. Stashi smiled lightly as the wind ruffled her fur, and imagined she had wings. Big ones, powerful ones, fast ones. Wings that could lift her up into the air and carry her far away from the merciless vermin. She would be a traveler, one who roamed the lands freely without a care in the world. Maybe she would visit different places she had heard of, such as Redwall Abbey. She didn't know if it truly existed, but was fascinated by the stories she had heard. A place full of honest warriors, untouched by the foul, dark ways that vermin always took to.
She was snatched out of her daydreams by a harsh voice drifting up to her from below, "Ey, Stashi! C'mon down 'ere, ye' Foeslayer!" Her ears twitched with annoyance at being called a Foeslayer, and she climbed down the tree with skill and speed. She landed neatly in from of a large rat. It was Bragg, son of Chief Scar Deathtrident, leader of the Foeslayers. Both father and son were former sea rats, leaving the open waters and ships to come inland, where food, slaughter, and power was easy to come by. The big rat leaned on his spear, sneering at the young fox, "Stashi, You're a fool if'n ye' think I'm not on to ye'!" He growled, his voice low  menacing. Stashi tilted her head to the side curiously, "And pray, tell, what am I up to?" She questioned. Bragg laughed in a way that sent shivers down her spine, "Don't play stupid, fox! We all know that you don't like it 'ere, it's obvious. But if ye' even think about leaving us, yore dead! A vermin born into the Foeslayers stays for life, the only way out is death. You cannot leave us, you bear the mark of a Foeslayer." He said, pawing the large scar on his right cheek. It was in the shape of an X, a mark that all Foeslayers bore, "Foeslayers must be loyal to their leader, an' that's my father, Scar Deathtrident! If I were to suspect that one of us was disloyal to my beloved father, I would speak up. And Scar doesn't handle rebels too kindly. Just remember what happens to those who break trust or try to run off, haharharhar!" He chuckled evilly, pointing to his left where several dead vermin lay. They were a reminder to all who stood against Scar Deathtrident and His mighty horde of Foeslayers!

[Izeroth]

 This is pretty good, though you should write each quote as a seperate paragraph to make conversation easier to read. Example:

"My name is Bob," said Bob.
"That's nice," said the magical catfish.

[Eulaliaaa!]

Thank you, I'll do that next time. 

[cairn destop]

Okay, first the SPAG portion.

1 --- You already know that evertime speakers change, it's a new paragraph for dialogue.

2 --- drifting by. The wind --- Beware of prepositions at the end of a sentence.  Readers are drawn into the next sentence and that can confuse your readers.

3 --- Add a blank line between paragraphs.  This is for ease of reading.  On a short work like this, it isn't too bad, but imagine something over a thousand words.

4 --- Watch out for exclamation points.  Used too often and the reader turns them into fancy periods.  Make sure they are used to denote something extreme.  Otherwise, use dialogue tags.

5 --- yore dead --- Wrong word, should be you're.  yore = in the past



I would liken this to a first draft, a general idea written down as a memory jogger.  It needs expansion and a focal point.  Most important, develop your POV.  Most writers go with third person omnipotent, but that can take a lot of suspense out of your story.  It also changes your story into one that is told, not shown.  Better that you set yourself in one character's POV and stick with that for the duration of the chapter.

Just a hint for multi-chaptered stories.  Most authors have a very rigid structure.  Describe a scene, introduce a character, bring in another character, some dialogue, end with conflict.  Readers learn this and tend to scan down to the initial line of dialogue for the action.  Mix it up just to keep your readers alert.

The segment on Stashi is an info-dump.  Good to know, but don't tell us everything in the first paragraph.  Tease the readers by giving it out little by little, as needed.

As I said, not a bad first draft work.  With some effort, you can have a top notch introduction chapter here.

[Eulaliaaa!]

Thank you, that is really helpful. With the whole "yore dead" part, I was just trying to make that sound like a part of his accent... oops probably not gonna focus so much on accents, I'm not too good with them.

[Lady Ashenwyte]

I can spot errors, and it's a text blob.

[Wot, wot!]

This is really awesome!

[The Skarzs]

Boy, this sure seems familiar. . . It sounds like my first attempt at writing a "book".
Don't be discouraged, though! Like Cairn said: First draft. The first draft of my previously stated "book" was probably only 300 words long and so fast-paced that I blinked several times reading back. Of course that was many years ago, but still. I have re-written that draft several times, and it is on its way to a more complete work.
This story seems a bit of a cliche of Redwall fanfic writers: good vermin, far different from the "rest of them", but I've seen ideas work like that, so I urge you to keep writing.

[Eulaliaaa!]

New chapter, hope it's good...

The Vermin Warrior Ch. 2

  Stashi sat by a small fire, roasting a fish she had caught in the river not far from the camp. More fires were scattered around her, vermin who had caught their own dinner sat around them. A big, tough looking fox came and sat across from Stashi, eyeing her food hungrily.

"Ah, tis a hard life. No food for a hungry guard, I'm dying!" He said. Stashi pulled out her dagger, her other paw holding the stick her fish was impaled on.

"Get your own food, fox." She growled softly. The fox returned her glare, his paw wandering over to the axe slung across his back.

"Don't talk to me like that. It's my food now, or are you gonna fight me for it?" He said, obviously entertained by the idea of a small, young fox fighting him. Stashi held her dagger up, a dangerous light in her eyes.

"I'll fight for what's mine, you lazy coward. Now find your own food or somebeast who might back down to a bully." She said. The fox seemed taken aback, unused to a vermin that didn't do as he ordered. Then he snarled, pulling his axe out and standing up.

"Why you little... come here, I'll show you the color of your insides!" He howled. Stashi lept up, dropping the fish and holding her daggers up in a defensive stance. Just as the big fox held back his axe to swing, a piercing scream sounded out. The scream was followed by wicked laughter.

  Several Foeslayers walked into the camp, dragging two little shrews behind them. The shrews struggled, wailing in fright for their mothers. This caused much laughter among the vermin camp. A ferret stepped outside a giant, decorated tent in the middle of the camp, taking a quick peek around before speaking up.

"Wot' s goin' on here?" He called out to the rats who had captures the two young ones. The rats laughed and called back to the ferret.

"We got ourselves some prisoners, two liddle shrew babes. Gonna eat them, maybe." One said. The shrews shrieked and went still with horror. The ferret ducked back inside for a second. Reappearing shortly after.

"Chief Scar Deathtrident would like to talk to the liddle maggots, bring 'em in here!" He yelled over to them. The rats hesitated, disappointed to be robbed of their feast, yet too fearful to disobey. They dragged the shrews into the tent. The fox who had been intent on slaying Stashi earlier lost interest and trotted quickly over to the tent, holding his ear to it and listening.

  After a while, the ferret reappeared, calling to all the Foeslayers.

"We take these as prisoners, anybeast who lays a paw on them will get it chopped off. Tie them to a tree and post two guards to watch them overnight. With any luck, they'll tell us where their camp is." He called. The rats who had caught them earlier sat by a fire, muttering among themselves angrily.

  Stashi finished off her fish and went to go climb a tree. As she passed by his fire, Bragg stood up and blocked her way.

"Wherever you think you're going, stop. You'll be watching these liddle shrews tonight, and don't let them escape... or else!" He said. Stashi nodded.

"Yes... sir." She said, brushing past him to find the little shrews tied to a tree. They held onto each other fearfully, whimpering and crying. A stoat glanced over at her.

"Right, you take first watch, I'll sleep." He said. Stashi sighed and nodded, glancing down at the shrews. She couldn't help but feel bad for them as they whined, they were little over babes.

As the sun sank, and the moon rose high into the sky, fires began to burn low. The stoat lay snoring at her side, other than Stashi, no one was awake. She shivered, pulling her dark, pine green cloak tighter to herself. The two shrews slept, whimpering in their nightmares as she stared down at them. She pulled off her cloak and covered them with it. No babe should have to be held prisoner to Scar and his vermin horde. She sighed and sat next to them, watching them snuggle closer to the cloak. She could untie them, let them go and blame it on the stoat. But no, they were too little to survive, and waking them would only make them cry and wake the whole camp up.

  She shook her head, then used her daggers to cut carefully through the rope. She tucked the cloak around them and gently scooped them up. She would run away with them, find their family and return them. Then she would take to the life of traveling. She started to back away when a cold, metal blade rested itself against the back of her neck.

"Where are you going, vermin?" A low, grating voice asked her. She froze with fear, then started reaching for her dagger.

"Away... forever. Look, don't try stopping me, fool. I'm tired of your murdering ways, I can't stand it any longer. I'm not a coward, like everyone else, ok? Don't make me kill you!" She warned. The voice laughed quietly.

"Turn around." It said. Stashi turned slowly, then stopped and stared at the shrew who stood before her. He had the look of a warrior, yet she could tell he used his skills for good, never killing innocent creatures. She hesitated.

"Who are you?" She asked. The shrew smiled, sheathing his shortsword.

"Call me Log-a-log, Guosim leader. And well spoken, young 'un, you just saved your life. Give me those babes, I'll carry them. Come with me, I'll help you for saving my sons." He said, running through the forest at a quick pace. Stashi followed him, but not without asking questions.

"I'm Stashi, pleased to meet you. What's Guosim? Where are we going? Why did you come? Why are you helping me?" She asked. Log-a-log held up his paw for silence.

"So many questions, Stashi. All will be answered in the morning, just follow me, we've a long way to go." He said. They ran in silence for what seemed to Stashi like eternity. Hours went by as they made their way through the dark forest, not stopping for anything.

[Eulaliaaa!]

Thanks  I guess I just like foxes and want to make them good characters. I'm planning on having Stashi be more of a grey character once the storyline begins to pick up...

[The Skarzs]

Modify button at the top right of your post.
When you're posting another chapter in a fanfic or new art in a thread it's alright, but usually the mods don't like it when we double post.

Nice chapter; I'd like to see where this story brings me. Though, once again, I can see the ideas there, they just need some expanding. I do like some grey characters on occasion. Keep it up.

[Eulaliaaa!]

Thank you, I might write some more tomorrow if I have time...

[Søren]

Yes, very nice! Great job!

[Wot, wot!]

THIS IS THE BEST STORY EVER! MOOOORE, WRITE MORE!!! 

[Eulaliaaa!]

Awww, thanks! I'll write more when I have time. (A little busy at the moment.)