rollo the power hungery

[W0NWILL]

Just let me be blunt. I've been watching it, and don't be offended, but it's terrible right now. As Rake said, check your grammar, re-read it, make your chapters longer... However, everything can be fixed and improved. I suggest planning out the entire plot in your head, have some character development, think of ways to flesh your story out. Where does Moon live? How did Howl come to Redwall? Was he accepted at first? There's so many questions. Don't just write a bit, add details. The author part of me is slowly dying as I read. However, it seems a good story idea, and with a lot of work, you could make this work. I'll be watching while giving blunt and honest advice.

[phoenixfoden]

thanks for telling the truth and not faking it.i will get someone to help me with my grammar.this is what happens when you dont listen to the teacher in english!

[W0NWILL]

Huh. Just ask my co-writer. She's a worse grammr nazi than me.

[phoenixfoden]

i will spend a bit more time on my storys in the future. but do you think it has potentail?

[gorath]

wow nice story mate

[phoenixfoden]

thank you very much!

[Rainshadow]

  It's a very good story, but like W0NWILL and Rake, it could use with a bit of capitalization and proper grammar.  Sorry if I'm being harsh, but it was just very hard for me to read it.  Very interesting, though!  You should continue!  But, in the future, just keep in mind that it does become hard for others to read when there's not a lot of capitalization or proper grammar.

[phoenixfoden]

why is nobody voting?

[Rainshadow]

  I voted.  The attics would be an interesting area to have a battle.  It's a very small space and rather old, so it's prone to falling apart.

[phoenixfoden]

does october ale explode.if so i want an explosive ending to my story!

[Rainshadow]

  I'm not sure if it does or not.  It might explode if the kegs were rolling around, shaking up the ale.  That's how soda explodes lol.  But yeah, that would be a fun way to end!

[winifred]

I believe so......you could make October ale explode in your story if you want!
That would be fun!!!
Good story! It captures your attention at once!!! It needs a little work, but yes it has great potential! I find it helpful to re-read my post, then preview it so you know what it looks like when you are done. Then when you post, re-read it again and make any modifications, if nessecary. Also there is a spellcheck button that is bright and shiny!!!

[phoenixfoden]

i love bright and shiny things!

[winifred]

so do I
p.s. I voted kitchens
I'd love to see what would happen if a real fierce battle took place with hot pans, pots and a picky friar screaming at the top o' his lungs

[phoenixfoden]

so do I
p.s. I voted kitchens
I'd love to see what would happen if a real fierce battle took place with hot pans, pots and a picky friar screaming at the top o' his lungs

Lol and rats throwing knives and getting hit on the head with pans!