You know you have been reading too much Redwall when...

[Nightfire]

I did. I found his Email address, and even though he is retired from the site now, I still emailed him. He sent back his usuall list of insults. Here is what I wrote to him:

Dear Slagar the Cruel,
> I have a few questions. Please just give me straight answers.
>
> 1. What do you think of Ranguvar Foeseeker? Beacause she's my great-great-great-great aunt.
> 2. Is there a way to enhance a longbow's strength? Because I want to skewer you with an arrow, but you're too far away.
> 3. Am I allowed to shoot you between the eyes with my poison darts? Because I hate you.
> 4. What happened to the fire lizards that lived in Salamandastron? Because no one ever talks about them anymore.
> 5. Hey, mind if I burn down the Dark Forest? That way you'll be forced to leave so I can resurrect you and then kill you again.
> 6. What the heck is 'Slagar' supposed to mean, anyway? Redflash or Mousedeath sounds much cooler.
> 7. Do you mind if I bury your mother underrgroung in Admodeus' cave? Because I hate her.
> 8. How come you're a male fox, but you're a healer? I thought only vixens could be healers.
> 9. Do you think I should get some more weapons? I have a longbow, dirk, and blowpipe, but I think I'll need a sword.
> 10. Do you mind if I kill Matthias? Not that I need your permission, of course.
>
> That mask of yours makes you look like you belong in a circus.
>
> Sincerely,
> Nightfire, Mercenary Squirrelqueen of the Northlands.

And this is what he responded:

Dear Nightmare,

Wow, you Northlanders sure aren't an observant lot, are you? Probably due to your foolishness. Since you're all fools up there, I mean. My stint in the advice column business ended seasons ago when that "Project Slagar" thing was retired. But, what the hellgates, might as well bang out a list of rote numbered insults for old time's sake:

1. I don't think of her. Nobody else does, either. Crimony, you couldn't pick a better ancestor to latch onto?
2. Yeah, I have an idea: point it at somebeast who isn't already dead.
3. I'm guessing your aim is such that I wouldn't have to worry.
4. It's called a "legend", Nightfire. Legends aren't real - there were no such lizards! Just like there never was a Luke.
5. An admirable goal, but I'm pretty sure they fireproofed the place. At least, I think that's why all of these trees seem to be made of aluminum...
6. It's Ragals backwards, of course.
7. Asmodeus is dead as well, you know. And by all means, defile both of their resting places. Get the rest of my enemies while you're at it.
8. I thought only fools wrote in to defunct advice columns! (NOTE: I was right)
9. I think you should get some psychiatric help.
10. You really enjoy threatening the dead, huh? Alright, tell you what: find a way for the dead to come back to life, and I'll give you the first swing at Matthias. Of course, I'll also return from the dead around that time, which means your own life will be dramatically shortened. But then you could just come back again, so... why am I wasting so much brain power on such a patently worthless query? YOU. YOU'RE A FOOL. THE END.

Heeheehee.

[Tiria Wildlough]

What's his email address? I'd really like to know. PM me it.  Pleeeeassse?

[Nightfire]

Hurrurrurr. I might.  Now, back to the thread topic:

82: When you dive into every single pond you find because you think there is a pearl at the bottom.
83: When you truly believe that you can speak fluent Sparra.

[Icefire]

I've seen a thread like this! Oh, wait. That was the CW forum. Never mind!
#42 is hilarious btw

84. When your reading your science lesson and you read about "electron abbots"....wait a second! "electron orbits!"
And yes, I am guilty of that one! I've done so many of these it's ridiculous...although, I still haven't done the majority of them....obviously I'm too sane

[Tiria Wildlough]

85. When you accidentally type 'Redwall' instead of 'read'.
I did that once actually.  
Nightfire, I BEG you, PLEASE send me the email. 
(Sorry if I am pestering you.)

[Gonff]

OK so these are some of the ones people have listed that I have done...

13. You desire to find a hollow oak tree so you can live in it and call it Brockhall.
15. Your talking to your friends and you just randomly spout out facts or information about Redwall.
I do this all the time!
24. You've spent more than 3 full days of you life on this forum, despite its age being only around 3 months old.
Not quite, over 2 days and 10 hours though.
30. Every time you say, 'Everyone' or 'no one' or 'someone', you think, 'Everybeast' etc
35. You start talking like a hare.
At first I didn't relize I did this, until my sister commented on it.
37. You have a sudden urge to solve riddles and go on quests.
44. Your dream house is made of red sandstone, with a red sandstone wall surrounding it.
52. You decide to name your future kids Matthias and Cornflower.
Not these names, but some other Redwall names.
54. You can refer everything to Redwall
55. When your sad you think of Redwall.
58. You lock yourself in the bathroom so you can read.
59. When your suppose to be doing chores you sneak off to read.
61. you say wot wot a lot
65: You desire to find Loamhedge.
67: You always act like you are RP-ing, even outdoors in everyday life.
72. You start calling your food "vittles", "scoff" etc.
73. When you are walking to somewhere you start singing marching songs.
74. You talk about Redwall for hours on end.
78: You have become a master of stealth in wanting to be 'just like Basil Stag Hare.'
81. You quote from the series as part of your regular schtick.
82. You get others to quote from the series as part of their regular schtick.
83: When you truly believe that you can speak fluent Sparra.

[Nightfire]

I do nearly everything on this list. I've even gone pearl hunting!!!

86: When you do everything possible to learn Slagar the Cruel's email address, despite the fact that the site shut down years ago.
87: When You actually know what a flan is and have made them on a regular basis.
88: You actually insist on using herbs instead of pills to heal yourself when you get sick or injured.
89: Every time you see the color red, then you wish once again that Redwall was real so you could visit it.
90 You beg your parents to expand your kitchen so you can bake still more Redwall delicacies.

[Matthias720]

91. You plan to vacation at Redwall

92. When you're at the beach, you make a sand-sculpture of Salamandastron

93. You wonder how many more things we can list in this topic.

[Taggerung_of_Redwall]

I don't doubt the creative genius of some Redwall fans, I imagine this list could grow pretty long.

[rakkety tam]

94 every time u get in a pond a lake ETC u try to swim like a otter

95 every time your at the zoo and see a wolverine u run to the turtles exibite and protect rockbottem

96 you have made or eaten every recipe or just food or drink

[Gonff]

97. You go out in the woods with your bows and shoot at stumps pretending they are various Redwall vermin.

[Nightfire]

98: You have a crush on Martin the Warrior, despite the fact that he is a mouse from a book that is set in a time period well beyond your own.
99: You have given all of your pets Redwall names according to their species. I have a cat, two rats, and four hares, so I named them Tsarmina, Redtooth, Cheesethief, Basil, Flummerty, Felderon, and Flunkworthy.
100: You actually got excited when you saw that this site has reached number 100 in this thing. I did.

[Skalrag of Marshank]

If I had a rat, I would definitely name him Cheesethief.

[Nightfire]

101: You refered this number back to black and white badgers rather than dalmatians.
102: You have a strong desire to skin a wolf.
103: You want to be captain of a ship and become a corsair.
104: You participate and remain active in at least five different Redwall RPs. I have.

[Matthias720]

105. You wish you could be the abbey bell ringer

106. Your nightmares are of being chased by the Painted Ones

107. Your bedroom has all the Redwall posters on the walls