Overlord's Orders XI

[Delthion]

Most gracious and esteemed Overlord. It is true that we failed you in your mission but it was LT that handed the driver an envelope, not Tagg. It contained some sort of hypnotic jewel, I know this because as soon as the driver opened it, he looked as if he had no control over his body. I thought originally that he was trying to help the driver have no knowledge of us, but then he told me and a DDB to find something for him and that he would stay right there, unfortunately this was a lie. When I questioned him about where I could find such a thing he shoved me and the DDB out of the van and ordered the driver to drive off, leaving me and the DDB in a cloud of smoke. Thankfully there was a working over-sized hamster wheel, that the DDB had borrowed from Ham the hamster. We then followed the van as fast as possible to watch LT whack Soren and drive off again, we didn't have time to stop and pick him up and followed them at top speed, eventually the DDB called in a battle saucer and beamed up and started firing at the van but his aim was terrible. 

[LT Sandpaw]

OOC: Who's DDB isn't that a Death Defying Beaver?

BIC: Milord I can understand your anger but I have an explanation, After the bus driver knocked out Soren and dragged him on board the bus I chased after him, when I climbed aboard after Tim and Soren, the bus driver demanded a ransom for Soren's life, I handed him my personal hypnotic gem to try and trick him into handing over Soren for nothing but he caught on and pointed a small deadly plasma gun at me hiding it from the others. he told me quietly that if I didn't do as he said he would kill me and Soren. I had to do something so after I pushed Delthion and the DDB out of the way and knocked out Soren again I summoned a different Beaver to help. I am a friend with a high ranking beaver and he agreed to time jump and help us.
I think something went wrong with their ship and they crashed and had to be teleported out by their ally's, however the other beavers ship was flown by a noob but they covered them with suppressive fire to let my friend escape. Luckily while Tim was distracted by the buildings being blasted I was able to throw Soren off the bus I was unable to get the kidnaped girl off as well though, then when Tim threatened to kill me I told him I would give him five Million for my life and the girl, luckily for me he couldn't count very well and I got away with giving him five thousand instead.

Turns out Tim's a really good driver and he lost the team, they were chasing us. After Tim dropped me off in the most random spot he could find I searched for the team and Soren for some time, meeting up first with Soren and then the team. I had to take the girl with me because I couldn't leave her on the street.

[Jasper]

Mask's fate was hilarious, I can't stop cracking up.

Oh great Overlord, many of these inaccurate accounts likely sound like a jumble of nonsense and excuses. Luckily I saw the whole thing unfold firsthand, and I'm here to clear things up for you. Once again, due undoubtedly to fear of punishment, these servants have frantically covered the main ideas of what happened, but have entirely missed the important details. I'll start from the beginning:

Once we made it to the city we met up with the agent, as Soren has said. Max told us as a side job he runs an enchilada dealership, and had a large shipment due only a mile from the meeting place. He informed us that we could ride along in the back of the van in order to get there quietly. We did so, and finally wound up at a small mexican restaurant full of dancing people in taco suits. They were having a raging fiesta, and they had set up a wild game of bowling in the center of the restaurant. They gave Delthion a try, but he's an awful bowler, and he threw the bowling ball over the entire crowd- straight into the forehead of Soren. The poor fellow seemed to be in terrible shape, and under the advice of LT Sandpaw, we put a towel in his mouth to keep him cool. We were worried he might have broken something, so to prevent him from moving and making it worse, we tied him to a bus seat in the restaurant's "Spicy Salsa" Dance & Party Bus.

Max insisted we spend a little time at the fiesta to fit in. (No one shows up at a party and then immediately leaves!) Despite all our warnings, Delthion tried to bowl again, and he hit a young girl. We had similar worries for her, so we did the same to her as we did Soren, and put her in the party bus. Her friends realized she was gone later, and reported to the police that she was "kidnapped," but we merely were trying to save her.

After all of that, we  packed on the bus and went to meet the beavers. We all unloaded (including Soren), and the meeting went well, but Tim the bus driver received a call that he had been fired while the meeting was taking place. Determining that ransom was the best option to earn some cash to replace his lost income, he grabbed Soren and dragged him onto the bus. Sandpaw managed to get on the bus, and pushed Delthion and a Death-Defying Beaver off the bus in an effort to save them. I assume the "friend he called in to cover us with suppressive fire" is the beaver saucer that exploded half the city. The rest of us did what we could to chase the bus, but Tim got away and apparently dropped Sandpaw and the girl off in a random alley.

After meeting up, we all decided that we couldn't leave the girl on the street, so we kept her with us. I proposed giving the girl back, but the police believed we were responsible for her kidnapping and the missing bus, so we had to just high tail it out of there. I'll let me fellow servants continue from that point.

[Delthion]

It is true my lord that I accidentally knocked both Soren and the girl unconscious but this is only because LT was standing in the kitchen which was hidden from the rest of the guests which were facing me. Anyway, back to LT: He was projecting a hologram right in front of me, it looked like it was from the Exorcist so I was startled each time and swung at it with the bowling ball, of course when I met no resistance since holograms are only light I let go of the bowling ball in surprise, then it thudded into Soren's head, and on the second time it was onto the girl's head.

[LT Sandpaw]

It's true Milord I was projecting the image to motivate him with a cheering figure. The first time I was distracted and didn't see what it was I was projecting The second time I saw it and hurried to reprogram it but Delthion had already knocked out the girl. I had no intention to scare him, I had no idea he was scared by it.
Actually it was supposed to be a positive thing.

[SilentSam]

Overlord, this is all true, but LT chose the hologram also to scare some people of the future. He figured that he could have fun scaring some people of the future, and get away with it.

[Delthion]

But this was only true due to Silent Sam's encouragement, even I being distracted by the roar of the crowd could hear him chanting; "Do it LT do it!" I wasn't going to bring it up unless Sam blamed LT. But he did, so I did, so you heard.

[LT Sandpaw]

It's true I was scaring people during the Fiesta for fun, but it was because several people were encouraging me including Sam, the point is when I was trying to motivate Delthion someone must have switched my motivation tape with my projector but I have no idea who did it.

Anyway when we met up with the team after the whole bus incident I found the others had lost the package we were forced to hide in the woods with the girl because of several hundred police officers were arresting anyone that moved.

[SilentSam]

It is true that I was motivating LT, but I had to because then Delthion would tell everyone I was afraid of... *gulp* well... uh... *whispers* tree nuts. *speaks normally* So, I was forced to. As for the package, I'm not sure where that was. I wasn't the one that got to hold it.

OOC: If something in my post isn't right, tell me and I'll correct it.

[James Gryphon]

"I'm going to get straight to the point. The only redeeming virtue of the failure you've made out of this assignment is that it gives me an opportunity to try out my newest toy. Watch and learn as it demonstrates its amazing power on one of you."

The spotlight shined down on a robotic turret. It swiveled around to face Taggerung_of_Redwall's capsule, and fired a blue beam. The energy moved through the capsule and struck Tagg -- there was a flash of something, then he seemed to disappear. The spotlight shone into the middle of the room, revealing for the first time a desk. A large glass bottle sat on top of it.

"Don't think that I was so kind as to completely vaporize your fellow servant. Instead, I've given him a new perspective on life, one that matches his productivity in the last mission. Look carefully at the bottle."

The servants looked, but from the distance they were at, it wasn't possible to see much of anything. Then a crane arm gently lifted the bottle, and moved it over within arm's reach of the servants (at least, what would have been arm's reach if there weren't impenetrable glass capsules separating each of them from the rest of the world), giving them a better view of what was inside. There were cloud-like patterns of fog through most of the bottle, but at the bottom there was about two inches of dirt. Nothing else seemed remarkable about it, but then --

Something incredibly tiny was pushing its way through the dirt.

"Meet your new and improved little friend. I've always wanted to do this since I first took up Overlording, but I could never get the exact recipe to work right. Some people got broken to bits. Others just disappeared. But after years of trying, I figured it out, and here it is in action: the galaxy's first working shrink ray."

"Don't shed any tears over this... it might drown him. Anyway, he should be able to make out all right. I think I left some tiny plants and food pellets in there. As long as he doesn't get eaten by an earthworm, he has a decent chance of survival. A much better chance than any of you have if this next mission goes south..."

"You can't seem to interact properly with the outside world. So, I'm sending you to do a little errand where you shouldn't have to coexist with anyone but yourselves. You'll be teleported onto an underwater base deep in the Arctic Ocean. I have a library there that contains one of my favorite books, "The Essential Profile of Adequate Minions". It's been ever too long since I read it -- obviously, since I keep picking servants like you. Find it, then hit the transponder button in the center of the base when you're done, and I'll beam you up. Make sure you're holding the book; otherwise it will not teleport with you."

---

A few hours later...

The Overlord sounded weary as he castigated his servants. "I'm not sure how you always manage to mess things up, but you did it again. My data recorder indicates you found the book in ten minutes, so you should have requested to be teleported back right away. Instead, you stuck around and started messing with the controls and defense systems. Then the base was flooded when a submarine attempting to dock struck and penetrated its walls. A submarine whose pilot was apparently distracted by a snorkeling cow. Which one of you was playing with the solid hologram projector, and why? Finally, when you were desperately trying to get beamed out before you drowned, you left my book behind!"

"Frankly, this disaster is inexcusable. Try to convince me that I shouldn't destroy all of you. I'm past fed up with your blundering, but maybe your excuses will amuse me enough to spare some of you."

[LT Sandpaw]

Milord it was a disaster as you said, when we reached the base we found it filled with flesh eating starfish. We managed to find your book and fight our way though the starfish when Sam gets the idea to clean out your underwater base using the defense systems. I admit I thought it was a good idea but while we were clearing out all the starfish I noticed my personal hologram device was missing. While searching for it I held up the group who were impatient to leave. Then Soren admitted to stealing it and hiding it under the main control panel wit the other hologram equipment. When I found it the submarine struck The side of the base, I lost my projector and nearly my life trying to escape. I don't know how we lost the book, it was entrusted to Jasper for safe keeping while we clear the base of flesh eating starfish.

[Delthion]

But before this Milord, Soren had hacked into the musical programs that are set into the walls all around the base, he sometimes thinks he's a cow and programmed it to play cow sounds every time it was pushed. A few seconds later we heard someone playing it incessantly over some old 80's music, then he programmed a hologram to form himself into a cow, he then fell into the water and added a snorkel to the program. That's what happened to the submarine pilot. Once again most esteemed Lordship I beg your forgiveness.

[Søren]

OOC: I'm not sure I understand Del's last post, so I'll just roll with it like I read it. I sent Del a PM for clarification.
BIC:
Your graciousness, it is true that I accessed the sound system in your base, and that I used LT's holographic projector. But it was for good reason.
You see my lord, Sam was the one who was heading the clearing out of starfish from your base. He said it would go quicker if we could scare the starfish away. He said that starfish are afraid of cows. And if we projected an image of a cow then it would scare away the starfish. So I grabbed the holographic projector and used it too project the image of a cow to scare the starfish. However, the targeting sensors were off. LT rarely keeps up with that kind of thing. So I had no idea where it was projecting the image of a cow. Sam said that maybe the audio of cow sounds would work. So sense he didn't know how to do it, I accessed the sound system of the base. I used it to play cow sounds and drive the starfish out faster. So you see your lordship that it was all for the betterment of you and your assets.

[Jasper]

It is true that I was the one entrusted with the book during the other servant's unwarranted assault on the slow and (mostly) harmless starfish - I mean, have you seen how long it takes those things to even move a foot or two? I would be impressed if someone managed to get bitten. That being said, their bites do hurt quite a bit. How do I know that, you ask? Well, that crazy Delthion was mad enough to put one on my back while I was guarding the book! I don't know if it was some sort of bizarre prank, but I had to remove it immediately. While I was doing so, and this may seem crazy, several living shovels (complete with arms and legs) sprinted into the room, bashed me over the head with a fish, (by the bruise on my head I believe it was a flounder) stole the book and ran off in multiple directions. As they ran, they sang at the top of their lungs about their favorite types of exquisite furniture, and swung in all directions with an assorted array of fish. That was about when a submarine smashed into the base, for the reason my fellow servants have described previously. I leave it to my fellow servants to explain the existence of these shovels, and the same to explain the fact that these shovels were alive, as I do not know the reasons myself, and they undoubtedly had something to do with it.

[Delthion]

This may be true Milord, but that was only because Silent Sam had threatened me at gun-point! (He had found one in the wrecked submarine). He forced me to put the carnivorous starfish on Jasper's back, but I saw these Beaver's with some sort of device around his head. This is only an observation Milord, and it is only Sam's fault that the book was lost.