My brother's Hobbit crackfic

[Jukka the Sling]

New chapter!

Chapter Four

Three years earlier...

Tauriel was a lovely Elf. She was not a Mary Sue, which is totally awesome!

But anyway, she was very eager to look better than any other Elf, so when she had spare time she would get her Elvish comb and her Elvish hairbrush and groom her hair.

One day she asked Thranduil if she could get a new hairbrush,

"Oh, king,"  said Tauriel; "can I get a new Elvish comb and an Elvish hairbrush?"

"Um... I don't know," answered Thranduil; "we don't like spending our gold."

"What?!" said Tauriel, "we have tons of gold! I mean, can't we just spend a little of it on a wee little Elvish comb and a wee little Elvish hairbrush?"

"I'll think about it," replied Thranduil.

Poor little Tauriel went out of the room.

A few years later Tauriel came up with an awesome idea!

Her awesome idea would be to go on a quest to find a wee Elvish comb and a wee Elvish hairbrush.

"I shall be free and groom my hair all day!" yelled Tauriel.

Just then Thranduil was awakened by the horrid yell.

"What was that?!" shouted Thranduil.

Just then he saw Tauriel running along. "It's Tauriel!" screamed Thranduil. "Get her!"

So all of the Elves were running after Tauriel. It was pretty odd because it was really early to be chasing after some Elf.

"Help!" yelled Tauriel. (What Tauriel is about to do is somewhat similar to what Legolas Greenleaf did.)

Because Tauriel ran all the way to Lake-town and then went into the Shire.

Tauriel saw that same sign that Legolas saw when he went into the Shire.

Just then, Tauriel heard a sound coming from the bushes. "What's that?" she thought to herself.

Suddenly she saw a wee Elvish comb and a wee Elvish hairbrush!

"Oh yeah!" yelled Tauriel. "Now I can go back!"

Just then she heard some crying in the bushes. The crying was coming from some weird Elf.

And that was how they met.

Back to the present...

As they were running away Tauriel got grabbed by some odd figure!

"Hey! Where's Tauriel?" shouted Legolas. "She was just right here!"

"Don't worry about her! Worry about yourself!" said Gandalf.

"Sorry," replied Legolas. "I have to save my true love."

"Your what?" said Gandalf.

"Goodbye!" said Legolas.

As Legolas was trying to find Tauriel he got grabbed himself! and got knocked out by some rock.

A few hours later after Legolas woke up he found Tauriel lying beside him. She had Elvish cuts on her!

And Legolas had an Elvish bloody nose!

"Help, help, my nose!" screamed Legolas. "What happened to it?!"

Just then Tauriel woke up. "Help, help! My Elvish cuts!" shouted Tauriel.

"Oh shut up!" yelled Legolas. "My Elvish bloody nose is worse!"

"No it isn't!" sobbed Tauriel.

"Oh yes it is!" shouted Legolas.

"No it isn't!" screamed Tauriel.

"Yes it is! Yes it is! Yes it is!" yelled Legolas. "Ha ha, I win!"

"You know what?!" screamed Tauriel, "I'm leaving!"

"Wait, my true love!" yelled Legolas. "Come back!"

"Your what?" said Tauriel.

"Um... never mind," replied Legolas. "But please don't leave!"

Tauriel sighed. "Fine," she said. "Yay," said Legolas.

"Oh, shut up!" screamed Tauriel. "You're making me mad!"

A few days later while they were walking along Legolas heard something.

"What's that?" he said.

"A deluded maniac Orc," said Tauriel. "He's been following us for 3 days."

"Ok, that's just creepy," replied Legolas.

[Mhera]

Just then he saw an awesome-looking Elf. She had epic red hair and a beautiful Elvish face.

"Baby, I like meeting a red-head," Legolas said aloud.

Heh.

Your brother's fanfic held my attention longer than the actual book did. Well done.

[Lady Ashenwyte]

XD. I loved it. Me and your brother might get along very well indeed....

[Lady Amber]

Awesome; I loved it!

[Wylder Treejumper]

This is way better than the Hobbit movies! XD

Speaking of which, why are Legolas and Tauriel even in the movies? Who is Tauriel anyways? And why on earth would more Legolas be good?

[Jukka the Sling]

Tauriel's the captain of the Mirkwood guard. I'm sure there was one in the book; just wasn't mentioned.

Also, Tauriel and Kili's romance is more realistic than Arwen and Aragorn's. According to the LotR appendices, when Arwen saw Aragorn walking towards her in Lórien holding flowers and dressed like an Elf-lord, "her choice was made and her doom appointed." Apparently she instantly chose him right then and there based on his looks, even though she'd only met him once, thirty years before, and therefore couldn't have known much about his current personality. Sure, for the next three months after "her choice was made" they walked and talked together, but the fact is, she had instantly chosen him without all of that.

Aragorn himself seemed to have been instantly smitten with Arwen those thirty years before, but he was, after all, just twenty, and she was supposed to be impossibly gorgeous. No excuse can be made for Arwen, however. Choosing a guy you barely know based on his looks when you know you'll have to give up immortality for him? You'd think someone who was nearly 3,000 years old would have more sense!

Tauriel and Kili, on the other hand, actually talked to each other for an adequate length of time. Kili, of course, was instantly smitten, probably partly due to the fact that she'd saved him from a giant spider. Though TDoS didn't show it all, I think it's quite possible that they talked for a couple of hours, so they got to know each other pretty well. Tauriel is young (for an Elf), rebellious, and reckless. Kili is also young (for a Dwarf), good-looking, rebellious, and reckless. He doesn't seem to hold on to the grudges of his people against the Elves, and Tauriel seems to be the same way towards the Dwarves. See why they were attracted to each other?

(Also, I'd like to point out that Kili's attraction for an Elf didn't just come out of the blue. The Extended Edition of AUJ established that he does consider some Elf-maidens attractive. (There's a clip on YouTube of the EE version of the Rivendell dinner scene.))

And more Legolas is always good.


Wow, that was a long post. Anyway, thanks for all the reviews! My brother's pretty happy when he gets one.

[Izeroth]

Tauriel's the captain of the Mirkwood guard. I'm sure there was one in the book; just wasn't mentioned.

It briefly mentioned a captain, but I think he was male. Honestly, I wouldn't have minded Tauriel if it wasn't for... certain things.

Also, Tauriel and Kili's romance is more realistic than Arwen and Aragorn's. According to the LotR appendices, when Arwen saw Aragorn walking towards her in Lórien holding flowers and dressed like an Elf-lord, "her choice was made and her doom appointed." Apparently she instantly chose him right then and there based on his looks, even though she'd only met him once, thirty years before, and therefore couldn't have known much about his current personality. Sure, for the next three months after "her choice was made" they walked and talked together, but the fact is, she had instantly chosen him without all of that.

You see, the thing is that Aragorn actually had Numenorian blood, which makes him closer to the elves than most men. Kili and Tauriel, on the other hand, are about as closely related as an apple and a lemon.

Aragorn himself seemed to have been instantly smitten with Arwen those thirty years before, but he was, after all, just twenty, and she was supposed to be impossibly gorgeous. No excuse can be made for Arwen, however. Choosing a guy you barely know based on his looks when you know you'll have to give up immortality for him? You'd think someone who was nearly 3,000 years old would have more sense!

As I've mentioned before, Aragorn has Numenorian blood. Not to mention the fact that he's from the Dunedain, who have always been allies of the elves.

Tauriel and Kili, on the other hand, actually talked to each other for an adequate length of time. Kili, of course, was instantly smitten, probably partly due to the fact that she'd saved him from a giant spider. Though TDoS didn't show it all, I think it's quite possible that they talked for a couple of hours, so they got to know each other pretty well. Tauriel is young (for an Elf), rebellious, and reckless. Kili is also young (for a Dwarf), good-looking, rebellious, and reckless. He doesn't seem to hold on to the grudges of his people against the Elves, and Tauriel seems to be the same way towards the Dwarves. See why they were attracted to each other?

If these movies had been made as seperate, independent, movies, I would have no problem with all that romantic elf-dwarf stuff. But these are movies that are supposedly supposed to tell the story of the Hobbit book, and you kind of don't expect then to add pointless, meaningless sub-plots that contribute nothing to the greater story and only serve to confuse people who've read the book. I really can't stress this enough: the Tauriel-Kili thing was not in the book, and never had to be in the movies. Think of it like this: suppose the "Narnia" series added an animal character who fell in love with Susan? Ridiculous, right?

(Also, I'd like to point out that Kili's attraction for an Elf didn't just come out of the blue. The Extended Edition of AUJ established that he does consider some Elf-maidens attractive. (There's a clip on YouTube of the EE version of the Rivendell dinner scene.))

And more Legolas is always good.

I beg to differ. More Legolas is not good when it detracts from the main storyline and adds totally unnecessary things. I'm not saying Legolas is bad, but did they seriously have to use him as much as they did? I know he was there, but I'm quite sure that he didn't meddle with lowly silvan elves and run around lake-town for a nice little vacation.


Wow, that was a long post. Anyway, thanks for all the reviews! My brother's pretty happy when he gets one.

[Jukka the Sling]

Okay, so Aragorn was Numenorean. Still, Arwen was a bit hasty in choosing him, IMHO.

Kili and Tauriel, on the other hand, are about as closely related as an apple and a lemon.

There's no rule that Elves and Dwarves can't marry (though whether or not they could have kids is something to wonder about).

If these movies had been made as seperate, independent, movies, I would have no problem with all that romantic elf-dwarf stuff. But these are movies that are supposedly supposed to tell the story of the Hobbit book, and you kind of don't expect then to add pointless, meaningless sub-plots that contribute nothing to the greater story and only serve to confuse people who've read the book. I really can't stress this enough: the Tauriel-Kili thing was not in the book, and never had to be in the movies. Think of it like this: suppose the "Narnia" series added an animal character who fell in love with Susan? Ridiculous, right?

There's a difference between a Dwarf falling for an Elf and an animal falling for a human... but I get your point. I suppose PJ felt they needed a female character to balance out the male cast.

But most of the Kili/Tauriel romance could've worked within the framework of the original book. Remember that Bilbo is supposed to have been the original author of The Hobbit, and if Kili had fallen for an Elf, Bilbo probably wouldn't have noticed or written about it...

I beg to differ. More Legolas is not good when it detracts from the main storyline and adds totally unnecessary things. I'm not saying Legolas is bad, but did they seriously have to use him as much as they did? I know he was there, but I'm quite sure that he didn't meddle with lowly silvan elves and run around lake-town for a nice little vacation.

I actually did think that it might've been cooler in a way to just have him more in the background with a few lines - basically a cameo that fans could see and yell, "Hey, look, it's Legolas!"

But for your other point, I'm sure he must've crushed on some Elf-maiden at least once in his long life.


Basically, I like the Hobbit movies better than the book. The book just felt childish and like a fairytale.

[Delthion]

Your calling Aragorn and Arwen hasty?! Yes, a little, but on the movies, one crude phrase from Kili and there we go!

[Jukka the Sling]

...Yeah, that's the one thing I didn't like about Kili...

[Delthion]

He was the worst character in the movies! They made him more of a main character than in the book, and changed and mutated his character so much in the movies that he was worse than Tauriel!

[Jukka the Sling]

In what way did they "change and mutate his character"? He had no character in the books! With the exception of Thorin, all of the book-Dwarves were exactly the same!

[Delthion]

Fili and Kili were like twins, as I remember it they were constantly just repeating themselves and finishing each others questions! They were my favorite Dwarves in the books!

[Jukka the Sling]

They weren't twins, though. Fili is five years older than Kili. Also, they were described as being cheerful, young Dwarves, so the filmmakers totally captured that. And I don't remember them finishing each others' sentences.

[Delthion]

Yes, I know they weren't twins, but Kili is in no way cheerful and Fili barely has any lines! They have been RUINED!!!!!!!!