Of Arrows and Pies - A Tale Of Redwall

[Ungatt Trunn]

So some of you people who have been on the forums a good long time may remember a short story that I posted about the Flicheye taking over Redwall. It was meant to be a first chapter in a story that I never got around to writing. Just recently, I have went over it and revised it a little bit, and I even composed chapter 2. So, I've decided to go ahead and post it here.

Now just to note, I have only so far written 2 chapters. If I get enough positive feedback on it, I may go ahead and continue it. So here we go!

P.S: Its a very absurd story.
P.S.S: The first chapter is a little...graphic.

Of Arrows And Pies - A Tale Of Redwall

Chapter 1

It was a hot night at Redwall. It was about midnight, and the only creature that was up was Cornflower, who was in Great Hall, looking up at the tapestry of Martin the Warrior because she couldn't sleep. She had been having bad dreams about a huge attack on Redwall. There were quite disturbing, full of dead creature and thousands and thousands and thousands of arrows. She looked up with tired eyes at the well-woven tapestry of Martin, not knowing what danger was coming up behind her.

A weasel, painted in bright war colours, walked up stealthfully behind Cornflower and raise a long, sharp dagger above her head. Cornflower all of a sudden turned her head around and saw the weasel approaching her. She screamed so hard that all the windows of Great Hall shattered into a million splinters of coloured glass. The weasel quickly dropped his dagger and plugged his ears. Cornflowers screams woke up all the Redwallers, but it woke up Matthias the quickest. He immediately recognized it as Cornflowers voice, and quickly jumped out of his bed, grabbed his sword, and dashed off to Great Hall. By that time, the weasel had regained himself and had picked up his dagger and was about to kill Cornflower when he was confronted with the abbey warrior, Matthias, who proceeded to beat his brains out with the flat of his sword, with each blow, shouting another word. "DON'T! YOU! HURT! MY! CORNFLOWER! OR! ANY! OF! US! EVER!" By the time Matthias had spoken the word "Cornflower" the weasel was already dead.

Matthias all of a sudden felt a sudden rush of pain, causing him to fall to his knees. He turned to see three arrows sticking out of his back. He was put out of his misery by another arrow that thudded in his neck. Cornflower screamed. A huge wave of weasels were in the abbey! And they all had daggers and bow and arrows!

Cornflower started running. She could feel arrows zipping by all around her. An arrow caught her in the footpaw, which, in turn, made her yell "FLICHEYE ATTACK!!!!!"
Constance came running into the room. "What in the name of Martin is going on arou-uggg!"
The big Badger fell , twenty-seven arrows sticking out of her.

All of the commotion brought all the Redwallers out to Great Hall, were all the weasels were. Instantly, a quarter of them fell to the ground, looking like pin cushions due to all the arrows.

A rather tall weasel, who appeared to be the Flicheye leader, stood up and yelled "We Kille 'em all, make 'em alle dead, oof!"
He fell to the ground, silenced by a stunning blow from Basil Stag Hair. But as Basil brought his foot down, he was surprised to find that It was full of arrows. "Why, those bally weasel chaps have ruined by best fooagggg!!!!"
He was instantly silenced by sixteen well-aimed arrows.

The Redwallers fought the Flicheye the best they could, but they were no match to the weasel's great numbers and all there bows and arrows. Abbot Mordalfus was about to yell retreat, but as soon as he opened his mouth, it was filled to the brim with twenty three Flicheye arrows.

The Redwallers tried to get to the front door of the Abbey, but those who didn't pull back in time were each hit with dozens of arrows. They then knew that they would have to fight on and try to take as many Weasels with them.

Cornflower, who looked more like a pin cushion that herself, came up to Sister Blanshaw, who had only been hit six times with arrows, and said "Blan, take all the Dibbuns and take them out of here! We'll distract the Flicheye while your at it. Now go!"

Sister Blanshaw, who had been hit with another three arrows while listening to Cornflower, ran off and collected all the Dibbuns. Thanks to fates, none of them were hurt. They then ran off out the main Abbey gate, but halfway through the lawn, she realized that she was missing a young Otter from the group. "Cresseye!" she yelled as she suddenly remembered the small Otter. "You Dibbuns, stay here!" She yelled, running  back into the Abbey to get the other Dibbuns. She returned a few minutes later, though she had been hit with a lot more arrows when rescuing the little Otter.

She collapsed to the ground, then yelled "You Dibbuns, run into the woods! I'm not going to make it, I've been hit with too many arrows. Now go!"
The Dibbuns ran out the main Abbey gate. Sister Blimshaw watched them until here eyes closed forever.

Back in the Abbey, the Flicheye had done there work. There wasn't one Redwaller alive. The Flicheye leader, as much as he was banged up from the battle, smiled over his work. Redwall was his! Though, it wouldn't be called Redwall anymore; It would be called Flichwall! And to think, he would be high ruler over it!

He turned to see a captain of his horde, a female weasel named Tesseye, come up to him.
"Well", he asked her, "Whatta damages to oura horde?"

"Aw, we hava lost fifty-seven fighers, ah, and another score wounded" Tesseye replied.

"And how many hava we killeye on the Redwalley's side?"

"Abouta three-hundred deady, sire".

"And" the Flicheye leader asked, raising an eyebrow "howa many arrows dida my troups fire?"

Tesseye scratched her chin for a moment, remembering the count of arrows used. "Wea used 245178902 arrows this time. Thata breaks ourey previous recorda of 245178901!"

"Excellent!" Dringe, the Flicheye leader, said with a rather toothless grin. "I wanta you to get alla our troopeyes to move the deada bodies out of Flichwall!"

"Flichwall, sire?" Tesseye asked, rather confused. "Whatta Flichwall?"

Dringe chuckled slyly, glad that Tesseye had asked that question. He spread his arms wide, pointing to either walls on side of him. He replied to Tesseye, "Watta Flichwall? This isa Flichwall! My new Domain! I willa maka de greatest empire that ever existed here, and we shall all be powerfula!"

Tesseye grinned, liking what she heard. "Allrighta, I'll maka sure that de soldiers move da dead bodies now".

Tesseye walked  off, leaving Dringe to take in his new dwelling. "Soona" Dringe said to himself quietly "I shalla rule all de lands of Mossflower. And dera will be nobady to standa in my waya!"

Chapter 2

The Dibbuns of Redwall had marched far in the two days since Redwall Abbey was attack by the Flicheye. They had survived on mostly berries and other roots that dotted the woodland floor. But despite this, there were all sad, and were still hungry.

One of the dibbuns, a small otter named Cresseye, sat down grumpily on a stump. "I'm not going any furthah until I get ah chewie pie".

"But how can you eat a Star Wars character?" asked Telissa, a slightly stupid field mouse. "They don't even exist in this universe!".

"Not chewie!" yelled Cresseye frustratingly, "I said chewie! Like da fruit!"

"Ah!" said Telissa with sudden enlightenment. "But ah though Chewie was a mammal..".

Cresseye was about to make an angry reply, but he was cur short when suddenly a well-aimed cherry pie hit him in the face. He fell backwards off the stump and into a withered bush. Telissa was about to let out a scream, but suddenly her vision was filled with a splattered cherry pie. Suddenly all the Dibbuns were hit with well-thrown cherry pies: not one pie missed its mark.

The Dibbuns were just starting to recover from the pie attack when suddenly a strange voice spoke.

"Yew were all o'wantin' a cherry pie, ya?"

The Dibbuns looked up in surprise at the speaker: it was a tall otter; he was painted in blue and neon brown paints, and he wore a hat made of fish bones. He wore a kilt of pie dough, and he held two cherry pies in each of his hands.

Cresseye, having recovered from the pie to the face, walked up angrily to the bizarrely dressed otter and said in a loud voice "Well, waddya have to say fo yourself? I wanted a chewie pie, but not in the uggh!"

He fell over again, another cherry pie embedded on his face.

The stranger stood grinning at them for a few more seconds before he spoke. "I be Not-a-Dumbell, leader of the Y'weskwachualtlo tribe in Mossflower. And who be you all, ya?"

Telissa stood up, wiping pie from her face. "I'm Telissa, and me and mah fwiends are Dibbuns. We escaped fromma Redwall: bad, naughty, arrow-loving weasles took it ovah".

Suddenly the otter screamed. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?" He immediatly threw his three remaining pie is the air: then he yodled and did a kick dance for about three minutes.

When he finally stopped, he turned to the befuddled Dibbuns and said "You all must come witha me! We will feast upon many pies, then we shall go to Redwall!". He than started to march off into the woods.

The Dibbuns started dumbly at him. Then Cresseye spoke. "C'mon, let's follow him!". With that, they all set out after the questionable otter.


Post down below if you want me to continue this story!

[Lady Ashenwyte]

This is just masterful. *claps*. Hopefully this continues.

[Ungatt Trunn]

This is just masterful. *claps*. Hopefully this continues.

Thanks!  I'll just wait and see what other people think of it as well, then I might write chapter 3.

[The Skarzs]

. . . . . . .
Oooookaaaaayyyy. . . Really not sure what to think of that.
There was one part that I recognize from the topic on how Cornflower died.
Overall I found this very. . . unrealistic; it seems both unnecessarily brutal and ridiculous. In my honest opinion I didn't enjoy this much. I'm pretty sure you meant this to be really bloodthirsty and silly, so I'll give you that.
If you enjoyed writing this, then by all means, keep writing. Some people will like this for sure, but it's not really something I enjoy.

[Ungatt Trunn]

. . . . . . .
Oooookaaaaayyyy. . . Really not sure what to think of that.
There was one part that I recognize from the topic on how Cornflower died.
Overall I found this very. . . unrealistic; it seems both unnecessarily brutal and ridiculous. In my honest opinion I didn't enjoy this much. I'm pretty sure you meant this to be really bloodthirsty and silly, so I'll give you that.
If you enjoyed writing this, then by all means, keep writing. Some people will like this for sure, but it's not really something I enjoy.

That's fine, I just remember getting requests to continue it, so I thought I would in my spare time

[Lady Ashenwyte]

Just one thing though, there were too many arrows used, and why would the Flichtaye take redwall?

[Ungatt Trunn]

Just one thing though, there were too many arrows used, and why would the Flichtaye take redwall?

All I know is that I made that first chapter over a year ago, and I must have had my reasons for it then

I mean, really, it was always ment to be an absurd story: so all the arrows shouldn't be surprising.

[Maudie]

That a whole lot of arrows...

[Rusvul]

Brutal. And nobody uses 245,178,902 two hundred and forty five million one hundred and seventy eight thousand nine hundred and two arrows for anything. And commas in giant numbers are great.

Other than that... 7/10, would not read again. But only because rereading something that is two chapters long is kind of inane.

[Ungatt Trunn]

Just to let everyone know: I specified that the story was absurd from the start. I had originally written it as a joke on another topic very long ago. I just had nothing better to do one day, so I decided to just casually compose chapter 2. Then I posted it on the forum just for fun. I always ment for it to be rediculous and absurd, so please don't tell me that it is "unrealistic" or "bad": that was all done intentionally from the start. This was never ment to be something that was to be judged by the idea that I tried creating a "good" fanfict. So please just don't tell me it's bad because it's just goofy and unrealistic: just to let you guys know.

[James Gryphon]

I thought it was hilarious when I read it on that topic way back when, and the fact that it's up in the fan fiction board doesn't change that. My only questions are 1) are you going to finish it, and 2) is it going to end in a way that allows for Pearls of Lutra?

[Ungatt Trunn]

Pearls of Lutra? Well, I'm really not sure if this story is even really canon: as pretty much all the characters from Redwall are slaughtered ( ), then I'm not so sure if I can directly tie it to that. But I may link it up in some strange way, who knows...

And yes, I think I will finish it: though I might not post a chapter right away: I actually haven't yet composed the story beyond chapter 2 yet: but I'll get to work on it!

BTW, thanks for the positive feedback, James!

[Jukka the Sling]

This is hilarious! Please continue writing!

[Ungatt Trunn]

This is hilarious! Please continue writing!

I think I shall!

[Delthion]

CONTINUE OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!