PoM's One Shot Requests

[LT Sandpaw]

Sorry for the DP Gonff but is the Oneshot coming along good? I'm dying from the suspense.

[Banya]

I'd like to make a request after Sand's is complete.

[rachel25]

I really like your writing style. It has a thoughtful feel to it but you don't take forever to get your point across. I wouldn't mind requesting something when you have the time.

[Gonff the Mousethief]

Sandpaw, I am extremely sorry that I did not get your request! I have written a total of 10 essays and 6 Poems in the last month, so I have had very little time. However, I am free to write so I will finish it up this week, than hopefully get on to Banya's and Rachel's!

@Rachel: Thank you for the complement! It means so much that someone actually sees a unique style in how I write.

[LT Sandpaw]

Of course we see how unique you're writing is PoM Tree, you're certainly talented writer.

And don't worry about it taking so long, I understand life can get hectic.

[Skyblade]

See, Gonff? People do like your writing

[Gonff the Mousethief]

@Sky: You're right again, aren't you Sky? 

Here is the story Sandpaw! It is formatted a little wierd, and tha pacing may be off, but I hope you like it!


Rueben collapsed. His young body could not bear to move the row another time. The
squirrel breathed heavy as a paw patted his gashed and rigid back.
“Mate, I told you y’ could slow down.”
“No. I-I'm not going to. I need to pick up for you.” He looked up and saw the eyes of the rabbit Nigel starting at him. From his eyes he traveled to the stud replacing his friend’s paw on his left arm. When Nigel had first been picked up little over a year ago, he got in a fight with one of the slave drivers. At first they he missed a few licks with a whip, but it didn't work out. The rabbit had meant to hit the deck, but instead did not jump low enough, letting he leather meet his ears. The blow stunned him, leaving him vulnerable. The slaver saw his chance and wrapped the whip around his left paw, and pulled. The force ripped the paw out of socket and tore the muscle to the bone. That night, his paw was amputated and he tips of his ears were cut off, leaving him in a distorted form. Since then, he was paired with the the squirrel Reuben below decks with the job of rowing one of the many oars of the Galspark.
“I told you fur head, I can manage. Plus, you have given me half your rations for seasons now. Lean against the oar and rest, I’ll keep going”
Before the steadfast youngster could continue, on of the slave drivers, a rat named Sleth, creaked the wooden steps coming down to the bottom. With him came a small otter maid, chained in the same rusty attire as the rest of the children. Sleth yanked her over to an empty spot next to an older hedgehog named Brianna, and attached her chains to the bench. She had been placed right across the aisle from Reuben and and Nigel. Once Sleth left, Nigel leaned over and greet the otter.
“Hullo there mate. What’s your name?”
“Marina… Marina Seadunec.”
“Nice to meet you Marina, I’m Nigel Featherwhop, and the squirrel next to me is Reuben Qualster.” After saying this, the rabbit nudged the sleeping squirrel and pointed to Marina. Rueben yawned, then gazed upon the new slave. Both of her legs were in casts made of cloth, and the stub of her tails was covered with a thick bandage stained with red.
“Another one!” he whispered in his friend’s ear. Nigel turned and shook his head and  turned back to Marina.
“So, um, what happened to your..”
“The slave drivers. Me and me Pop where overrun by a pirate ship farther north. They took me and killed him. I've been in the trade for a few years now, and when I was sold, they broke me legs and chopped off me tail to “fit me in”.
“Our slavers!?” bursted out Reuben.
“Yes..” muttered the sorry otter.
The bruised face of the squirrel turned red, and with full force, licked his fingers and stood up, stopping the flame from it’s dance on the candle’s wick. Any chatter below the decks was halted as the squirrel sat back down. That signal was enough to frighten the slaves until the night.

   The Galspark was stopped in the middle of the Ocean, with lantern light beaming out
illuminating the night sky. Above the decks, the crew and captain were fast asleep, but below, the slaves were listening to Rueben speak. The meaning of the candle going out was to have a meeting about a very important issue that night.
“It's gotten worse! Marina Seadunec here has both her legs broken, making her walk with them and got her tail chopped off! The slavers are trying to kill us now! We need to revolt!
“How can we?” questioned a mouse standing in the corner. “We’ve tried before remember? Look at those scars on your back.”
The others there looked upon the scared and torn back of the squirrel. Whip, cane, and blade marks lined the fur less back where his punishment had been set.
“We were unprepared then. But now, they have traded here and there, and gotten the right materials.”
“Such as what? Bread?”
“Blasting powder.” The whole bottom deck went silent once more. “They store it above where me and Nigel sit, so a little has fallen through the cracks. Brianna, hand me your candle.” The hedgehog maiden did as he pleaded and placed the candle in his paw. “Alright everyone, stay back.” At this, he threw a few grains of powder at the candle’s flame. A small ball of fire came from its tip, scaring the babes aboard.
“That is complete madness to use that!” cried out the mouse.
“What other choice do we have? Do you see any weapons!” At this statement, Reuben was able to lift his arms fully with no chain restrictions. The fire had broken through! The group gasped at the scene. They could actually be free! Still skeptical, the mouse piped up once more.
“How are we to get to this powder, and how is that powder supposed to help?”
“We blow up the ship of course!” yelled Nigel who had had enough of the ignorant mouse. “There is a small boat on the top deck. We will get one of us to be taken up here and blow up the powder. The rest of us will be free and ready to hop of the boat and row away,” finished Reuben. The nerves of the slaves were on high as they nodded in agreement.
At about three in the morning, all of the slaves were unchained and ready to go. Reuben
nodded to his friend, Nigel, and let out an excruciating loud scream.
“HALP! IM BEING ATTACKED!”
He sounds of sleepy and bumbling guards erupted from above. The rat Sleth came back down to see what had transpired.
“Wot goin’ ‘ere?”
“The rabbit attacked me!” The good eys of the rat turned to Nigel.
“Yoos comin’ wid me!” with that, he grabbed the pawless arm of he rabbit and dragged him off, too sleepy to notice that he was not chained up! Nigel looked back and have a small smirk to his fellow slaves. Their future depended on him.
   While the rabbit went above, the rest of the slaves moved to the left side of the ship.
When they heard the burning, they were to run up to the top deck and prepare the boat. Suddenly, there was a smell of smoke drifting through the top planks!
“RUN!” called Reuben as he pushed forward the group. When they reached the top, creatures where jumping into the boat moored in the ocean. Suddenly, the crew of the Galspark came rushing out, weapons ready. The squirrel braced himself for attack, when the wood beneath him suddenly disappeared and was replaced by a violent gust of fire and heat. The blast flung Reuben into the cold night ocean, along with half of the ship. Upon hitting the water, planks from above fell and kicked him out cold as the substance in which he lay.
  Reuben came to be that morning. When he awoke, half of his body was suspended on a
single plank of wood, with the other frozen in the water. The ocean around him was filled with burned and charred bodies of the Galspark crew. Among those bodies were many slaves, one of them being Marina Seadunec. Tears filled the eyes of the young, lonely squirrel. He had gotten his own friends killed, and had no clue if any others were alive on the escape boat. Worst of all he was alone. No one was there to rescue him, no one was there to save him, no one was there to take him back home. He had ruined his life and the lives of others trying to save them. He was a monster, and a monster who would die by those he had slain. Reuben Qualster took his last breath and let himself dip below the water.

[Skyblade]

Woah.

I planned to save this for later, but once I started reading, it was hard to stop. I wanted to see what happened to the slaves! I like your writing, Gonff; I honestly do.

The slaves were in an interesting position, weren't they? I can't understand how the slave drivers could have been so cruel, but then again, that's true for my views of people IRL. Also, the villains fit the style of Redwall.

Interesting characters as well. They also have cool names

Spoilers for story

I was sad when Marina died. You executed that well. The entire ending was unexpected and tragic. Commentary: I think Reuben was too hard on himself, poor mate IMO, it was also Nigel's fault since he wanted to blow up the ship.

I also like how you reveal that Marina died, but left the fate of the other slaves rather open by saying Reuben saw many of the slaves' bodies. Who knows if, say, Nigel died? I like the air of mystery you leave the reader with.

[close]

I agree that the formatting is a bit weird and it could use some better pacing in the escape scene (I feel it could be improved if you elaborated a little more on the escape plan; it seemed a bit rushed. But that's just my perspective as someone who uses a lot of words). Anyway, DON'T GET ME WRONG!! The one shot itself is great regardless. Stay strong and keep going.

- Skyblade

[Mhera]

Woah.

This. Not just because of the story itself, but because of how much you've improved. Of the stories of yours that I've read, I think this is easily the best written. Granted, there's still room for improvement (like the stuff Sky said), but you've come a really long way in a short time. Great work, and keep at it

[LT Sandpaw]

It's Heeeeere!

And well worth the wait to, well done PoM. While the overall writing could use some polishing it has a nice feel to it. Not to long, having just enough to bring the story out, but not too much, keeping it short, and sweet. Very well done.

Compliments:

I really liked the way you followed my request, but you added you're own creativity into the mix with the blasting powder. You also took it one step further, and had the main character beginning to drown himself. I can almost imagine something coming along saving him, or inspiring him to keep living. Which is exactly what I wanted.

I don't know if it was on purpose or accidental, but the way the last scene was written emitted the confusion of the current situation. It really showed how it must have been on the ship, and how crazy, and desperate it was.

Constructive criticism:

The one-shot had a rushed feel to it, like you were trying to pump out a sequence of events quickly, and while it kept the story short, and sweet it added a feel of. "Whoa what's happening now." I would suggest keeping a smoother touch, allowing things to flow, giving you're story a more natural feel.

There are a few logic errors, however they really aren't that big of a deal.

Congrats, and Thanks: I'm glad you were finally able to post it, I enjoyed reading, and I'm sure others will too. Good luck on you're next few requests, and thank you once again for posting this.

[Gonff the Mousethief]

Oh gosh, three replies! Thank you all so much for reading, and I had a fun time writing it SaLt!

@Sky: I am so glad you felt it interesting enough to read. The villains I hoped were close enough (Even if I only introduced one) to the Redwall feel, and I see that I went down the right path!

Yes, I wanted to keep that feel of mystery in the end, just because with my others stories, they seemed to have a definite ending. With this one, there were a bunch of factors to consider, that Reuben and the others seemed to have forgotten. What if some had gotten killed? What if the guards woke up, what if the powder was just too strong? These were the things I purposely left out. They had such a strong desire to be free, that they just didn't care, and, ultimately, it sealed their fate. That was what I tried to get at, the feel of hopelessness even with a hopeful action.

With the formatting and such, I had to email it to myself, and a bunch of stuff got changed, but I will go back and fix it along with some plot and grammar issues.

@Mhera: Thank you as well! It always makes my day when others say I have improved. It gives a person like me true hope.

@SaLt: So thankful that you enjoyed it.  I am also glad that you saw what I meant to convey in the last part.

Sorry about it feeling rushed. On Wednesday I realized I hadn't started to I wrote it in 2 days and got it up. My plan is to fix it up by adding a little bit more of the deck scene and show how the powder was lit. Then, it should be much less choppy and flow smoothly.

Finally, I would like for you all to vote in the poll I put up on which you think my best short story is so far. The creative writing competition at my school is this week, and I have to enter my story, poems, and essays by Friday. I have already cleaned up all of the stories on my iPad, so what ever I choose I will post. Thank you all again!

- PoM

[Skyblade]

Uh, when's the deadline for the poll? I'd want to reread all of the short stories, and right now's not the best time

[Gonff the Mousethief]

Probably Wednesday. That way I can have a good amount of time to re edit things.

[Skyblade]

"Hope in the Wind" is the most recent one you wrote, correct? That one gets my vote.