Make the Cellars Great Again- #TJUMP2016

[Wylder Treejumper]

TJUMP
MAKE THE CELLARS GREAT AGAIN

For too long, the Cellars have had nothing but failure. We have been invaded. And what do we do? We lose. We have been helpless against the terrible hordes of The Guests and DDBs. But that is all going to change. When I am elected Cellars President, we won't lose anymore. We are going to take back the Cellars. We are going to beat those Guests and DDBs out of our Cellars. Then, we are going to keep them out! We are going to WIN!

Positions

Guest Reform

Real guest reform puts the needs of members first – not forum politicians. We are the only forum in the world whose guest  system puts the needs of guests ahead of our own. That must change. Here are the three core principles of real guest reform:

1. A forum without borders is not a forum. There must be a wall preventing guests and DDBs. The Cellars must be closed to guest lurking and plotting.

2. A forum without laws is not a forum. Laws passed in accordance with our Constitutional system of government must be enforced. These laws will not be excepted for any special interest groups like moderators.

3. A forum that does not serve its own members is not a forum. Any guest reform plan must serve the needs of all members.

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Fun

The First Rule of the Cellars is clear. The right of the people to have fun shall not be infringed upon. Period.

The First Rule is first for a reason. That's because the Right to Have Fun protects all our other rights. Protecting that freedom is imperative. Here's how we will do that:

1. Promote the establishment of fun topics. Topics judged as FUN by the Commission on Cellars Activity will be given the Cellar Award for Fun Freedom. We will promote our economy of fun through competition, the true capitalist way- the only way- of creating fun.

2. Defend the rights of fun-loving forum members. The Wylder Treejumper Administration will enforce the First Rule of the Cellars. No mods or members will curtail the right of any fun-loving forumer to enjoy themselves.

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Chaos

Chaos, is, of course, a vital part of our Cellars. Our plan to maintain chaos has only one point:

DO NOTHING. Chaos, by definition, cannot be sponsored by the government- it can only be spontaneously generated. A simple deregulation- reduction of mod power- will enable perpetual chaos as long as there is a forum. Chaos is part of the First Rule of the Cellars; chaos generates fun. Therefore, it will enjoy protected status as a right of forum members.

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Hot Chocolate

Wylder Treejumper is by far the richest candidate this election cycle- worth 10 trillion cellarbucks according to 7 different analyses independently paid for by him- so it stands to reason that he will be able to get the most hot chocolate. If you elect TJUMP Cellars President, he promises to inundate the Cellars in hot chocolate wherever it is demanded.

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Bad Jokes

We are great believers in humor. In fact, we have the best humor in the cellars. Other candidates may try to be humurus, but they can no more make members laugh than they can keep the Cellars safe from guests. The Cellars will be better with jokes like these circulating:
-Where do Floridians wash their clothes? In Fort Launderdale!
-What is Jackie Chan's favorite beverage? Kara-tea!
-What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation!
-What's a frog's favorite drink? Croaka Cola!
-Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.

Members have also endorsed us for our humor:

It's hilarious!

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Get Involved!

The Wylder Treejumper campaign is looking for volunteers who want to help make the Cellars great again! Sign up for one of these great positions:

Campaign Strategist: Mhera
Assistant Campaign Strategist: Izeroth
Forum Publicist: Jukka the Sling

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The Cellars are in serious trouble. We don't have victories anymore. We used to have victories, but we don't have them. When was the last time anybody saw us beating, say, the DDBs? They kill us. I beat DDBs all the time. All the time.

When do we beat the guests? They're laughing at us, at our stupidity. And now they're beating us on activity. They are not our friends, believe me. They are killing us on activity.

The cellars has become a dumping ground for everybody's problems.

It's true. These here are the best and the finest. When the guests send their people, they are not sending their best. They are not sending you. They're not sending you. They're sending people that have lots of problems, and they're bringing those problems with them. They are sending lurkers, and spammers, and jerks. And some, I assume are good people.

But I speak to cellar members and they tell us what we're getting. And it only makes common sense. It only makes common sense. They're not sending us the right people.

And so I, Wylder Treejumper, announce my candidacy for President of the Cellars. We are going to build a wall, we are going to stop the guests from getting in, and we are going to make them pay for it. We are going to win, and win, and win, until we're almost tired of winning! Because that's what I do, I win. The cellars don't win now, but if I am elected, that's what we'll do.

LET'S MAKE THE CELLARS GREAT AGAIN!

[Hickory]

I'm Sage Tip for the FNN, and here's a question for the politician himself.

What about unlawful organizations like the Prison and the Insane Asylum, which have been proven in 2015 (via FNN surveys on Reddit) to have a 55% death rate, or 55 out of 100 patients are being killed or otherwise tortured in lethal ways by the owners. I wonder what you plan to do about that?

[Lord Daskar]

I have two problems with you right now Mr. TJump. 1. That big red word thing, that's mine, not yours. 2. That lie about being the richest candidate, how did that enter your mind?

[Tam and Martin]

Wow, you really got into this . . .

[Mhera]

What is wrong with your profile picture?

[Tam and Martin]

Who's? Mine?

[Mhera]

No, Wylder "Donald" Treejumper's.

[Tam and Martin]

He put a picture of Donald Trums hair on top of him I guess 

[Mhera]

It's hilarious.

[Wylder Treejumper]

I have two problems with you right now Mr. TJump. 1. That big red word thing, that's mine, not yours. 2. That lie about being the richest candidate, how did that enter your mind?

1. Don't be stupid- you can't copyright a color. Or maybe you need to read up on copyright laws? Because the guests don't care about those, let me tell you. That's why we need to build a wall to keep them out. They are stealing all of our information- yours, mine, everyones! They are probably selling it to China.
2. It didn't. I am the richest candidate, and I'll prove it to anyone who says otherwise.

[Wylder Treejumper]

I'm Sage Tip for the FNN, and here's a question for the politician himself.

What about unlawful organizations like the Prison and the Insane Asylum, which have been proven in 2015 (via FNN surveys on Reddit) to have a 55% death rate, or 55 out of 100 patients are being killed or otherwise tortured in lethal ways by the owners. I wonder what you plan to do about that?

The Cellars of this forum has no such organizations. I cannot do anything about a topic which doesn't exist.

[Hickory]

I'm Sage Tip for the FNN, and here's a question for the politician himself.

What about unlawful organizations like the Prison and the Insane Asylum, which have been proven in 2015 (via FNN surveys on Reddit) to have a 55% death rate, or 55 out of 100 patients are being killed or otherwise tortured in lethal ways by the owners. I wonder what you plan to do about that?

The Cellars of this forum has no such organizations. I cannot do anything about a topic which doesn't exist.

Ah ha ha ha, very funny. Of course, the creation and continuation of these organizations from previous democratic establishments like the Old Forum is inevitable. Copies of such things will turn up eventually. How would you deal with future and/or current organizations like the one I talked about above?

[Mhera]

Donder J.! That was not an endorsement!

[Wylder Treejumper]

You said that I am hilarious. Therefore, you have endorsed my humor. However, if you prefer, I will remove it.

[Jukka the Sling]

(I'm dying over here about this whole thread. XD)

I'll be your publicist!